Holy cow. It's been a long time since I've had the time and compunction to sit down and write something. I've been spending my writing time on shorter things--e.g. texts, e-mails, posts on Facebook. Here we are, rounding on another flip of the calendar, and I've not written in more than 5 months.
Part of me stopped writing because I was tired of what I had to say. One of the drawbacks of mental illness (at least for me) is that one can get stuck in the same spot for too long. I felt frozen, both with fear and boredom, by the fact that I could only find words to write about my depression.
The monster is still present, I will say that. The holidays are rough not because of loss of person or for sentimental reasons, but because my routine is gone and I flounder. I struggle with this over the summer break, too, but at least then I can send the kids outside for a bit, or sit in the sun, or go running.
I've not been for a run in quite a while. I want to run, don't get me wrong. The trouble has again become an equipment shortage. I have some clothes appropriate for running in cold weather, but not for running in a Chicago winter. I had hoped to join a gym for these long winter months, but that continues to be an elusive dream.
In happier news, I am grateful that Bekah has decided not to have a Pump It Up! party. Phew! I love her and would have made it work, but the thought of sinking $200-300 into a kids' birthday party was tough to consider. She is opting for a small party at home. We recently attended a birthday party at one of her friends' houses. It was a garden party, but not in a My Secret Garden sense. Instead, each attendee painted a terracotta pot and planted a square of grass in it. It was really cute, affordable and simple. The decorations were handmade (something at which I excel), the favors were little watering cans and hair bands with a flower crocheted on them. All manageable, affordable things.
Bekah has also decided she wants to perform in the Nutcracker next December with her dance studio. I am excited for her to perform but overwhelmed at the financial commitment. I am going to be praying that God will provide for her in a tangible, measurable way.
Meanwhile, I take some satisfaction in having accomplished my resolutions for this year. I saved more money than I've ever saved before, I lost weight, I read more. Those will be my goals again for 2015. I have about 45 pounds to go before I am under 200. I feel like I can achieve that. I am going to chat with my trainer and see what her input is, but I feel like that is a manageable goal.
I am also hoping this coming year is the one where I complete the novel I started working on last year. I've not been able to carve out time to write this year--my hope is that I am able to do so in 2015. We shall see what comes of it.
I am grateful for so much this year and wish that would overpower the depression that has crept upon me. I know that once we start school again, the fog in my brain will clear and I will be able to move forward toward achieving my goals.
