I had a setback with my health journey back at the beginning of the year. A snafu with my scale led to a readjustment of goals. For whatever reason, I have struggled to find the same rhythm I had before the snafu.
I started working out more regularly, though because of what I'm doing, exercise is not the punishment it used to be.I have enjoyed lifting weights and running because I'm not doing it to counterbalance the food I've eaten.
At the same time, what has ended up being due to a shifting of my IUD turned into a month (February) where I had three periods. It was an emotional month and I know that contributed to my mental status.
I met with a friend this past Thursday and had an epiphany. I likened losing 50 pounds to someone who is clearing a horde out of their house. It has felt good, but it represents a lot of work. Further, I am finding that clearing out the horde has led to me rediscovering emotions I thought I had buried.
So coming into this year's holy week, I felt drained. I spent the week fighting off a migraine. It culminated on Wednesday night with ocular disturbances, nausea and light sensitivity. It was unpleasant and exhausting. It's been a long time since I've had such a severe migraine and I forgot that it used to take me days to recover.
We had an unexpected tragedy happen at the beginning of the week and this caused a bevy of emotions to be unleashed. (I don't have the energy to get into it on top of the fact that it's not my story to tell. I hate being vague about it, that's not normally my style. I apologize for not being more specific.)
All in all, I arrived at Good Friday feeling beat-up and exhausted. I did my best to practice self-care. I still worked out, I ate according to my protocol, I spent time in church basements. I let a few people in on what was happening and released myself from the obligation to be "Amazing Sue" to everyone else.
My church had several Easter services. Our plan had originally been to split and have Brian, Doug and Jeremy go on Saturday night, when the Special Friends room was to be open. Then the girls and I would have met up on Sunday morning with my parents.
We decided at the last minute to try and all go to the Saturday service. Doug, however, upon learning of our plan, got anxious and balked. We have learned that for us, forcing Doug to do something doesn't end up well for anyone. We tried to coax him with the promise of a treat, but ultimately he decided he would rather stay home with Brian.
I was disappointed. My dad, upon seeing me at church and learning that Doug and Brian were at home declared, "that's called real life." And he was right, but there was still disappointment that my family couldn't have the picture-perfect Easter picture, all of us dressed up. (Well, I was dressed up but wearing sneakers, because I have four kids and Brooklyn needed dress shoes, so she got them but I had sneakers.)
Our family is just not the picture of normal and I understand and mostly accept that. We don't do organized sports--no baseball, soccer, football. We don't go to theme parks, I think it would be a disaster for us. We don't travel very much because just trying to provide for the basics for four kids is equivalent to trying to travel with a family of four.
These are all things that God has helped me to embrace. I love our family and I love our normal. We quote movie lines to each other all day. We are sarcastic. We love to read. We like to joke around.
And the beauty of the message I heard at church yesterday (which was a bit odd because we were celebrating Jesus' resurrection before he would have technically risen from the grave) is that God didn't come into the world to condemn the world. He came to save it. For me, that means he came to save someone like me, who doesn't do devotions with her kids every day, who hasn't colored Easter eggs in years, who used tissue paper instead of grass in the Easter baskets because I did my Easter shopping on Saturday and there was no grass at Jewel.
As a woman, I cling to the fact that Jesus died on the cross for men AND women. He loved (and loves) us all, just as we are. He doesn't require us to get dressed up to come and see him. He wants us to approach him just as we are.
The single thing that speaks the loudest to me about his crucifixion is what happened to the curtain in the temple. There was a heavy curtain in the temple that separated the holy of holies from the rest of the temple. Only certain people were allowed behind the curtain and certainly none of those people were women.
When Jesus died, that curtain (think more a velvet tapestry from the theater) was ripped in two, from top to bottom. In dying, Jesus was saying that he was allowing everyone to approach him. There were no longer the long list of rules and rituals. We were all allowed into that holiest space.
I am also reminded that my feelings are not always the best tellers of truth. My perception is flawed, deeply, and I struggle with comparing myself to others. I have wanted to write this post for two days, but kids. I am exhausted from being at home with them 24/7 for the past week.
But I knew I had to write this.
If you're anything like me, you are scrolling through FB and lamenting that your Easter doesn't look like anyone else's. Our family enjoyed chicken nuggets (Jeremy, Doug and Brooklyn) and salmon, broccoli and sweet potatoes (Me, Brooklyn, Brian and Bekah). We don't have a big extended family and we don't celebrate with them (we haven't for a few years). The Easter bunny put Halloween candy in the baskets because he overbought at Halloween. (The blessing there is that we were able to preserve it and not touch it since October, no small feat, but I attribute that to my new eating plan and Plexus.) We didn't dye eggs.
We had a great Easter, though, because we were able to reflect on the sacrifice that was made on our behalf. I am so humbled by the love God showed us by sending his Son to die on the cross for us. I am humbled because even a day before he was crucified, Jesus asked for the cup to be taken from him. He knew what was going to happen and even so, he struggled with it. He did it anyway, but he struggled with it. That is such a human attribute, to struggle, but with such a divine twist, to do it anyway. That has been the overwhelming theme of my life the past couple of months.
I hope that as the year continues to unfold, God will deal with me and my expectations. They get me every time. I am doing better at scrolling through FB mindlessly. Turning off notifications has changed my life in a dramatic way. I am still on my phone more than I probably should be, but it is much better than it used to be.
I am grateful for my faith, which has buoyed my spirits over the past week. I am also grateful for friends and family, near and far, that continue to demonstrate God's love to me through their words and deeds.
