My mentor in a high school, my creative writing teacher, told us that if we are not sure what to write, we should start by writing a sentence that is true.
I do not want to be writing this right now. I am crying and feeling suffocated by my anxiety.
The kids had a snow day (after having been off of school for a week). I needed them to go back to school today so that I could reclaim my house. I love my kids and I love spending time with them, but with Brian working evenings, I don't have many opportunities to get out on my own. I have come to really enjoy the time when they're at school. It gives me a chance to collect my thoughts, get caught up on things and just decompress.
Lately, I have been incredibly popular. This morning, I took a shower. Upon exiting the bathroom, I was greeted by my dog and three of my four children. During the shower, at least one child knocked on the door to see what I was doing. (To my credit, I refrained from lobbing a sarcastic answer through the closed door.)
I can't sit on the couch, or be in bed, or walk around the house, without an entourage following me. It is flattering but also cloying. I constantly want to whisper, "the call is coming from inside the house." It feels overwhelming to have an audience wherever I go.
I know, I know, someday I'm going to look back and miss this. I am sure I will, but I'm also not as sure that I won't need to spend time in a padded room. It is exhausting to be this popular. It is not as fulfilling as I thought it would be.
Meanwhile, I've been reflecting on how I'm doing. The short answer is, not well--with short bursts of "meh." I caught myself thinking, "oh, this is a rough time of year," but then when I think of it, I struggled during this past summer. I freaked out before my birthday (in February). I find myself saying "no" to getting out of the house. At 5 PM, when it is pitch black outside, I am ready to crawl into bed and let my kids fend for themselves.
I do not excel at the concept of self-appraisal. I suffer from a disease of perception, so everything I look at is through what can be a very distorted lens.
For example, I am not losing weight anymore. Like, at all. I'm also not gaining, but I'm not losing. In my mind, I'm a failure because I'm not losing weight. I have not been able to commit to my weight-loss journey like I did last year. Why? I'm not sure, but it probably is because (you guessed it), I'm a failure.
When I am in crisis mode (as I am now, where I feel like an elephant is sitting on my chest), my brain tells me that no one wants to hear it. I shouldn't reach out and ask for prayers and encouragement from my tribe. They are sick of hearing that I am struggling. They are sick of having their days interrupted by my anxiety and (seemingly) unfounded panic.
I am floundering in my business. I have not made it a priority and I find myself saying I'm committed but not actually doing anything. I have convinced myself that people are tired of hearing me commit. They see through me, I'm a fraud, I'll never be successful.
My house smells bad. We have lived here for 13 years and the carpet is trashed. My dogs have peed on the carpet countless times. Food has been spilled. We have tried to clean it, but at this point, I fantasize about the day when I can just rip it all out. I am self-conscious about having people over. I am self-conscious about whatever odors are in the air that I can't smell.
I talk too much. This is actually mostly true. I have gotten better as I've gotten older, but I watch people like hawks when I am talking to them. I am looking for microexpressions, any indication that I have droned on for too long. I internalize the expressions. I spend time later worrying about whether or not I should have said the thing that I said. It is exhausting. Utterly exhausting.
We are going shopping for Christmas on Friday and I am worried. We have planned and talked about it at length, but I am worried. I hate spending money because I worry that I will spend it incorrectly. I worry that I'm not being a good steward of my family's resources. I don't know what I want for Christmas and I tried to compile an Amazon wish list, but I hated to ask for anything I deem too exorbitant. I constantly feel like I can be doing better at money management, but I don't know how to get better.
I signed up to do dog walking through Wag. I love dogs. I have for my entire life. I am excited for the opportunity to meet new people and new dogs. I am excited to get out of the house and walk a dog. At the same time, I'm worried that I will forget to walk the dog. I'm worried that I'll forget to do one of the things I'm supposed to do. I worry that the dog or the owner won't like me.
The thing is, when the sun is out, these things occupy my mind but it's easier to distract myself. I can chat with another adult, I can get outside and walk to the mailbox, I can take a nap. But when the sun is not out, it's like all of these thoughts conspire together. They get louder, they encircle my mind and seem to squelch out any ray of sunshine I may have saved up from the daytime.
Quite frankly, I would love nothing more than to climb into bed at 5 PM. I don't want to have to face the day beyond dinnertime. My kids are needier around bedtime. Bekah has been struggling around bedtime as well. Her anxiety seems to peak, which drains me. I am her safe person and she wants to snuggle with me. I hate to say no because I know how she feels, but to have another anxious person around me when I'm already anxious is draining.
I am worried that people will read this and think I'm complaining about my life. I am not. I am not asking for help, either. This is, more than anything, an expository piece. This is what it's like in my head every day.
Practically speaking, I've reached out to a friend who knows about essential oils. I know there are oils that can help me. I know I need to reorder Vitalbiome. It was more of a help than I realized.
I watched a YouTube video about time blocking today. I am going to make an attempt to block my time this coming week. I need to impose more of a routine and schedule than I already have. I find routines to be comforting. I think trying to set priorities will help reduce my anxiety. I think it will also help if I continue to minimize the amount of stuff in my house. It is not easy to have an organized mind in a disorganized space.
I need to take a quiet time every day. Loathsome as it may be, I think I need to set my alarm and get up earlier in the morning. I don't need to be awake at 5 and meditating for three hours, but even if I could be out of bed a half an hour before I normally am out of bed, I can at the very least read some short devotions and crack open my Bible app. In the end, the best way to drive out this persistent anxiety is to counter it with God's truth.
I am not naive. Anxiety and depression are real things and I really struggle with them. I firmly believe that my brain doesn't produce the chemicals it should. This is not just a matter of not believing my identity in Christ. It's part of my biology, part of who God made me. I can't discount the biological component but I also can't make that the only focus of my intervention.
I have a plan to get out of the house tomorrow night. I almost always laugh like a hyena with this group of women. I am going to go and laugh and see how everyone else is doing. I know I'm not the only one who struggles at this time of year. Even if I did struggle in February and the summer and intermittently, that doesn't have to define me. I am not always going to feel like this. I will continue to try to improve myself, even though it's exhausting and overwhelming. I only fail if I stop trying.A
