I had a sobering and convicting revelation today. I considered going live on Facebook about it, but I was afraid I would cry. I have grown to loathe crying in public. Maybe next time I have an epiphany, I will do a live video.
Let me start at the beginning.
I knew, going into today, that the day would be more stressful in general. I sit for my friends' kids in the morning before school, so I have to get up earlier than I normally do. I am so grateful for the opportunity to help my friend, I don't mind. It just adds a dimension of craziness to the morning. I try to be fully prepared for my own kids to leave for school before I leave to be with them. Again, not a big deal but it's a longer than normal day.
Aside from that, I was awake at 3 AM, 5 AM and then for the day at 6:30. I woke up at 3 to Doug being awake. I used the restroom and then realized he was up playing. This has been an ongoing issue. I know we are heading to having him on medication. I think that will solve a lot of his sleep and focus issues. Meanwhile, though, I have to deal with a 6-year-old who is fully awake at 3 AM and who doesn't see the need to go back to sleep. (More on that later.)
I woke up at 5 AM to Jeremy moaning. He started running a fever yesterday. My suspicion is that he has strep, though one of the more frustrating aspects of his personality is that he can't always tell me what hurts. I do my best to rule out emergency issues, like appendicitis. Beyond that, he never has throat pain when he has strep. He almost always throws up and/or has stomach discomfort. This never makes sense to me, but it's how it manifests for him.
In any case, he needed medication to manage his fever and headache. I did what I could to make him more comfortable, then tried to get more sleep.
I scheduled Brooklyn's well-baby check for today. I didn't think I would have a sick kid here at home or that I wouldn't have slept well the night before. I knew she was going to get her immunizations and flu shot today. I knew that would translate to a fussy, clingy baby. I did my best to mentally prepare.
In the win column, I managed to make it through the entire exam and visit without sweating at all. This is huge, because my pediatrician's office is almost always overheated.
Brooklyn has been a fussy mess all week. She has wanted to be picked up and carried around everywhere. I love my daughter and I try to soak up every moment I can. That being said, it is tough to accomplish anything while hefting around a 27 pound baby. I do my best to distract her and just let her fuss, but it's tough to accomplish anything with a whining, crying 18-month-old following you around all the time.
I knew I wouldn't have time to walk today. In addition to all of these things, I had my counseling appointment today. I screwed up last week and missed my appointment, so I knew I had to get it right this week. The saving grace about the appointment was that I sidestepped having to put Brooklyn down for a nap. It gave me a chance to unplug from her, so to speak, and kind of re-center myself.
The day went kind of downhill in the afternoon. We got a call from Doug's school that he was being uncooperative. They weren't even able to get him on the bus, could we come pick him up. I was not surprised, given his 3 AM activity. I sent Brian to get him.
Meanwhile, Bekah came home and as a natural consequence, lost her iPad privilege today. She was not happy about it (I knew this going into it) and threw a fit. Upon arriving home, Doug threw a tantrum about having lost *his* iPad privilege.
It was really when Brooklyn woke up, though, that my already thin patience started unraveling.
Owing to my protocol and other changes, I don't find it necessary to cook every night. Over the past few weeks, I've found that if I cook on 2-3 nights of the week, the rest of the nights we can eat leftovers and have plenty of food. Tonight was a cooking night. Brooklyn was just a mess. She wanted me to pick her up. So after doing most of the food prep work, I handed the reins over to Brian and sat down to snuggle with Brooklyn. She proceeded to walk over and demand that Brian pick her up. I tried to read her a book, she wasn't interested. She didn't want to play, she didn't want to snuggle, she didn't want to eat Veggie Straws. She just was unhappy.
Doug and Bekah calmed down for the most part and the rest of the evening was not eventful, but the constant fussing and whining really started taking a toll. I finally had enough and took Brooklyn upstairs, only to find that Jeremy was awake (he had dozed off) and needed ibuprofen. So while I should have just grabbed Brooklyn and taken her to bed, I worked on helping him.
By the time I got Brooklyn in her room, I was just done. I was tired, cranky and irritable. I spent some time rocking her and really trying to figure out what was going on.
Here's where I had the epiphany.
I don't drink anymore, by choice. I don't gamble, I don't stay out until all hours. I run, but I can't run in the pitch black.
My point is, I was sitting with all of these *feelings* and I wanted desperately to escape. I wanted to not feel anymore. I wanted to do whatever I could to wriggle free of the discomfort.
And it occurred to me that when God says to have no other idols, he's not just talking about golden calves and false gods. He's talking directly to me as I try to scan through the things that would make me feel instantly better. For me, when I try to short-circuit *feeling,* I am not giving those things over to God. I am saying, "here's how I can 'handle' this--I can (fill in the blank)." Then I won't feel it anymore. But nothing that could fit in that blank is going to help me handle how I feel like God is. He wants to be the one I crave, the one whose company I seek.
Like I said, it was a sobering thought. All of this work I'm doing, writing a protocol and modeling my feelings and not buffering, is leading me to Jesus' feet. Kristin says that life is 50% good, 50% not good. Nothing I have done or will ever do will get me around that fact. It just is the way of life. The goal is not to become some automaton that feels nothing--the goal is to feel things but not be derailed by them. This is really the journey I'm on.
Losing weight is fantastic. There is a measurable benefit for my body if I shed the excess pounds. My body will function more optimally, I will be more comfortable, etc. I can tell you, though, based on my past experience, that *just* losing the weight is never going to be enough. I will arrive at the number I have in my head and may have some satisfaction, but to stay at that number through the tribulations of life will be the real acid test.
Ultimately, what I want is peace. I want to be at peace with God's plan for my life. I want to be at peace with the external forces and trials and disappointments that I feel in life. I don't want to use food or gambling or whatever to stop me from feeling it. I want to be able to move through the discomfort.
I weigh in tomorrow morning. I have had 5 weeks in a row of weight loss. This hasn't happened in I can't even remember how long. Any weight loss I have will be fantastic. The bigger victory for me, though, is that though this week has been tough emotionally, I have not allowed myself to be sidetracked. I have locked arms with Kristin and others, squared my shoulders and continued to trudge along.
I hope those who are reading this article have people with whom to lock arms. It's such a huge part of being on this journey.
Thursday, October 5, 2017
Wednesday, October 4, 2017
Growing Pains
Today has been a rollercoaster of a day for me. I don't know that I woke up thinking I would get all the things done, but I had a couple of things I really wanted to do.
One of the hardest things about being a mom is having to change horses midstream. The level of activity I can or can't have is dictated by Brooklyn. Today, for example, she was clingy and whiny and clumsy. She wanted me to carry her everywhere. She wouldn't be redirected and wouldn't take no for an answer.
I have tried to roll with the punches, but there are some days when I am not feeling it. Today was that day. I wasn't expecting to clean the house from top to bottom, but I also didn't want to sit around all day looking at a mess.
Meanwhile, I am still learning and growing every single day. This does not come without some pain. I have been working very hard at stepping out of my comfort zone. God doesn't want me to be comfortable. He never promises me a life free from pain (emotional, physical, or mental).
I am working hard at being humble, which is to say I am seeking guidance and wisdom from Godly women and then asking God for the strength to put that into action in my life. I don't always like people's suggestions. I think about what Brooke Castillo says, that our brain likes to seek pleasure, avoid pain and be efficient (which is to say do nothing). I am fighting strong biology when I try to become more Christlike.
I am also still vulnerable to all-or-nothing thinking. After listening to the whining and complaining for the better part of the morning, a friend suggested that I take Brooklyn for a walk. I knew at that point in the morning, my normal 5 miles would screw up my schedule. I decided to take Scout and do two miles. The way it sounded in my brain, though, was "*just* two miles? really? okay, slacker."
Yeah, so I definitely am not 100% well. I probably ate about 5 bites too many at dinner and though that is far less than I used to eat, I still had to endure mental finger wagging from my inner voice.
All this being said, I feel very fulfilled today. I had one person ask me to be their accountability partner. I feel like that's high praise. I had another I was able to bless in a very tangible way. I don't say these things to toot my own horn, but rather to demonstrate what can happen when I live a life that is others-focused.
I love to encourage people, but I have also been bowled over by the amount of love, support and encouragement I have received. It is incredibly humbling to have people showering me with compliments. I am grateful that God has helped me have a glimpse of the person he's molding me into. Armed with that knowledge, I am able to graciously accept the compliments but pass the glory on to God.
And to the friend who sent me a picture of the ocean today, it was such a small thing but it was so amazing for me. A friend had traveled to L.A. and I texted her to ask her if she would send me a picture of the ocean. She happily obliged and though I felt silly for making the request, I am glad I did.
One of the hardest things about being a mom is having to change horses midstream. The level of activity I can or can't have is dictated by Brooklyn. Today, for example, she was clingy and whiny and clumsy. She wanted me to carry her everywhere. She wouldn't be redirected and wouldn't take no for an answer.
I have tried to roll with the punches, but there are some days when I am not feeling it. Today was that day. I wasn't expecting to clean the house from top to bottom, but I also didn't want to sit around all day looking at a mess.
Meanwhile, I am still learning and growing every single day. This does not come without some pain. I have been working very hard at stepping out of my comfort zone. God doesn't want me to be comfortable. He never promises me a life free from pain (emotional, physical, or mental).
I am working hard at being humble, which is to say I am seeking guidance and wisdom from Godly women and then asking God for the strength to put that into action in my life. I don't always like people's suggestions. I think about what Brooke Castillo says, that our brain likes to seek pleasure, avoid pain and be efficient (which is to say do nothing). I am fighting strong biology when I try to become more Christlike.
I am also still vulnerable to all-or-nothing thinking. After listening to the whining and complaining for the better part of the morning, a friend suggested that I take Brooklyn for a walk. I knew at that point in the morning, my normal 5 miles would screw up my schedule. I decided to take Scout and do two miles. The way it sounded in my brain, though, was "*just* two miles? really? okay, slacker."
Yeah, so I definitely am not 100% well. I probably ate about 5 bites too many at dinner and though that is far less than I used to eat, I still had to endure mental finger wagging from my inner voice.
All this being said, I feel very fulfilled today. I had one person ask me to be their accountability partner. I feel like that's high praise. I had another I was able to bless in a very tangible way. I don't say these things to toot my own horn, but rather to demonstrate what can happen when I live a life that is others-focused.
I love to encourage people, but I have also been bowled over by the amount of love, support and encouragement I have received. It is incredibly humbling to have people showering me with compliments. I am grateful that God has helped me have a glimpse of the person he's molding me into. Armed with that knowledge, I am able to graciously accept the compliments but pass the glory on to God.
And to the friend who sent me a picture of the ocean today, it was such a small thing but it was so amazing for me. A friend had traveled to L.A. and I texted her to ask her if she would send me a picture of the ocean. She happily obliged and though I felt silly for making the request, I am glad I did.
Tuesday, October 3, 2017
An FAQ for Y-O-U
I keep thinking that I want to write about Rascal, but I am not yet ready to do it. I will, before too much time gets away from me, sit down and write a tribute to him. His crate is still up in our dining room. I find myself swept away with grief in the most random moments. The weather has helped because I can be outside. I took Scout for a walk around the block last night and it felt bizarre to just have one dog with me.
I am continuing to have amazing success with my new way of doing things. I thought I would address a couple of questions that people have asked me.
Q: "Are you hungry?"
A: The short answer is no. The longer answer is that I do have days where I am more hungry than others. I write my protocol out for the week on Saturday. I even plan my evenings--some nights I have tea, on a couple of nights I have one serving of dark chocolate. I have been taking regular walks, sometimes up to 5 miles. On those days, I find I will eat almost my entire salad at lunch. Other days, when I'm less active, I get about halfway into it and lose interest.
I have changed the manner in which I eat. I still mostly eat in front of the TV (not the best, but it is what it is for now), but I eat much, much more slowly. I set my fork down between bites. I have a 32 ounce water bottle and I will drink one full water bottle, set my dinner down, go refill it, come back and keep eating. I typically go through two full bottles of water during a meal. If I have finished my plate of food, I sit for a minute or two before I get up for seconds. I typically find that waiting even a few minutes enables my brain to receive the signal that I'm full.
Q: "Is this sustainable?"
A: Yes, *because I am not hungry all the time.* I am eating foods that are incredibly nutrient dense--chickpeas, avocado, eggs, chicken, cheese, tomatoes, etc. There are no "filler" foods or starchy side dishes. The food I am choosing to eat is food that my body can use efficiently. I don't grab a protein bar and then stare at the clock until mealtime. I have trained my body that there are specific times during the day when I eat. If it's not the right time, I drink water or coffee (I have that written on my protocol) and start prepping my salad or meal for the evening.
It's also sustainable because I am making a plan. This helps me be prepared. I'm not arriving at 3 PM worried about what's for dinner. I've already decided what's for dinner, I have all the ingredients, the meat is thawed (or thawing), etc. I am not having to put extra brain power into it. As a byproduct, I have freed up a ton of time and energy! I am able to roll with the punches.
Q: "Do you count calories?"
A: Nope, not even a little bit. I am not worried about caloric intake because again, I am eating foods that are very dense nutritionally. I am only eating until I am full and I am only eating during the hours I've prescribed myself. For me, focusing on the calories would be counterproductive. I don't have time to calculate how many calories are in my salad or in my portions for dinner. I don't sweat it, though, because I know I'm not eating past the point where I *start* to feel full.
Q: "Are you allowed to eat _____?"
A: Listen. I am a grown adult. I am allowed to eat anything within reason. It's not about whether I am being given permission. Kristin made some suggestions for me and I chose to follow them. I evaluate what I eat with the question--'does this food serve me well?' If the answer is no, then it doesn't go into my body. I don't think it does me any good to think of food as being forbidden. Mentally, the minute I think of something as forbidden, it becomes a mental obsession for me. I can't think about anything else. I have the dark chocolate because I can eat one serving and it doesn't trigger anything in my mind that wants me to eat more. There may come a time, though, when eating a single serving of dark chocolate may not serve me. I have decided that if I've written it into my protocol and I'm having a rough day, I will skip it. My goal is not to use food as a buffer. Food is fuel for my body, it should not be used to celebrate, drown my sorrows, etc.
Look, I know the way I'm doing things is not for everyone. I keep thinking of Oprah in the Weight Watchers commercial saying, "I love bread." I recently read in a NY Times article that before Oprah became their spokesperson, the company had been in a bit of a tailspin. They had not seen their typical trend, which is that after the first of the year there is a sharp increase in enrollment. I have done Weight Watchers before and had success on the scale, but I don't think I was making the best choices for myself.
For me, I had to start healing my gut first. I don't think I would be able to dismiss a tray full of sweets if my gut was a mess. There's a lot of emerging science about the brain/gut health connection. It seems to be working for me. The combination of new eating habits and my Plexus products has me down about 25 pounds in a month.
I am continuing to have amazing success with my new way of doing things. I thought I would address a couple of questions that people have asked me.
Q: "Are you hungry?"
A: The short answer is no. The longer answer is that I do have days where I am more hungry than others. I write my protocol out for the week on Saturday. I even plan my evenings--some nights I have tea, on a couple of nights I have one serving of dark chocolate. I have been taking regular walks, sometimes up to 5 miles. On those days, I find I will eat almost my entire salad at lunch. Other days, when I'm less active, I get about halfway into it and lose interest.
I have changed the manner in which I eat. I still mostly eat in front of the TV (not the best, but it is what it is for now), but I eat much, much more slowly. I set my fork down between bites. I have a 32 ounce water bottle and I will drink one full water bottle, set my dinner down, go refill it, come back and keep eating. I typically go through two full bottles of water during a meal. If I have finished my plate of food, I sit for a minute or two before I get up for seconds. I typically find that waiting even a few minutes enables my brain to receive the signal that I'm full.
Q: "Is this sustainable?"
A: Yes, *because I am not hungry all the time.* I am eating foods that are incredibly nutrient dense--chickpeas, avocado, eggs, chicken, cheese, tomatoes, etc. There are no "filler" foods or starchy side dishes. The food I am choosing to eat is food that my body can use efficiently. I don't grab a protein bar and then stare at the clock until mealtime. I have trained my body that there are specific times during the day when I eat. If it's not the right time, I drink water or coffee (I have that written on my protocol) and start prepping my salad or meal for the evening.
It's also sustainable because I am making a plan. This helps me be prepared. I'm not arriving at 3 PM worried about what's for dinner. I've already decided what's for dinner, I have all the ingredients, the meat is thawed (or thawing), etc. I am not having to put extra brain power into it. As a byproduct, I have freed up a ton of time and energy! I am able to roll with the punches.
Q: "Do you count calories?"
A: Nope, not even a little bit. I am not worried about caloric intake because again, I am eating foods that are very dense nutritionally. I am only eating until I am full and I am only eating during the hours I've prescribed myself. For me, focusing on the calories would be counterproductive. I don't have time to calculate how many calories are in my salad or in my portions for dinner. I don't sweat it, though, because I know I'm not eating past the point where I *start* to feel full.
Q: "Are you allowed to eat _____?"
A: Listen. I am a grown adult. I am allowed to eat anything within reason. It's not about whether I am being given permission. Kristin made some suggestions for me and I chose to follow them. I evaluate what I eat with the question--'does this food serve me well?' If the answer is no, then it doesn't go into my body. I don't think it does me any good to think of food as being forbidden. Mentally, the minute I think of something as forbidden, it becomes a mental obsession for me. I can't think about anything else. I have the dark chocolate because I can eat one serving and it doesn't trigger anything in my mind that wants me to eat more. There may come a time, though, when eating a single serving of dark chocolate may not serve me. I have decided that if I've written it into my protocol and I'm having a rough day, I will skip it. My goal is not to use food as a buffer. Food is fuel for my body, it should not be used to celebrate, drown my sorrows, etc.
Look, I know the way I'm doing things is not for everyone. I keep thinking of Oprah in the Weight Watchers commercial saying, "I love bread." I recently read in a NY Times article that before Oprah became their spokesperson, the company had been in a bit of a tailspin. They had not seen their typical trend, which is that after the first of the year there is a sharp increase in enrollment. I have done Weight Watchers before and had success on the scale, but I don't think I was making the best choices for myself.
For me, I had to start healing my gut first. I don't think I would be able to dismiss a tray full of sweets if my gut was a mess. There's a lot of emerging science about the brain/gut health connection. It seems to be working for me. The combination of new eating habits and my Plexus products has me down about 25 pounds in a month.
Thursday, September 28, 2017
Intermittent Fasting: A Primer
I have been so busy lately, but wanted to write a little bit about intermittent fasting. I have been doing it regularly for three weeks. I do not say this lightly, it has TRANSFORMED the arc of my weight loss journey, it has helped me feel better and given me freedom.
Fasting is biblical, for those of you who are into that stuff. It’s something we are admonished to do. People in the Bible did it when they were seeking God’s wisdom about different situations. I have fasted before, but it’s never been with any kind of purpose or focus.
Meanwhile, the stark truth is that in general, humans eat too much. Specifically, we eat too much food that is heavily processed and stripped of important nutrients. When we eat food that our bodies were not designed to eat, it short-circuits the wiring in our brain. It makes it difficult for our brain to receive and interpret signals. Frequently, we *feel* hungry when we are, in fact, thirsty. We eat when we are bored or happy or sad. Food has ceased being what it was designed to be—fuel for our bodies.
So, then, what is intermittent fasting? According to Nerd Fitness, “intermittent fasting is not a diet, but rather an eating pattern.” It’s not about going all day denying yourself all the food. I do not follow a set calorie plan per day. At the beginning of the week, I set a protocol. Big word for eating plan. I decide what I’m going to eat everyday. I include snacks. (Snacks during the fasting period should be 50 calories or fewer.) If I am not hungry, I don’t eat my snack.
The next question is, how much do I eat? I aim to eat when I am kind of hungry, kind of not. I aim to stop eating when my stomach feels comfortable.
I know. Not much of an answer. Honestly, it took me a little time to figure this out. I don’t do it perfectly at every meal. I have had a couple of meals where I have ended up eating too much. I aim for progress, not perfection.
Okay, so then what? I have two meals a day and I eat well at both those meals. Here is what my day typically looks like:
7-8 AM wake up
7:30 AM drink 8-12 ounces of warm lemon water
8:00 AM Slim
11:00-Noon Coffee with 2 tablespoons of whole milk
2:00-2:30 Salad—romaine lettuce, cherry tomatoes, 1/2 an avocado, cheese, red bell peppers, chick peas
3-4 Slim
6-8 Dinner—(as a for example) chicken breast, 1/2 sweet potato, veggies
I can tell you, I do not walk around hungry. I typically have far less food than I used to eat. I have had to downgrade to half a sweet potato because I was throwing most of my potato out.
Now. I sometimes have one serving of dark chocolate, but I plan that as well. I have eliminated sugar and flour from my diet. I honestly don’t miss it.
I do use other Plexus supplements. I haven’t listed them because they don’t add to my caloric load.
I will also say, I haven’t felt tempted to eat sugar, even when I’ve been around it. That has never happened before.
Fasting is biblical, for those of you who are into that stuff. It’s something we are admonished to do. People in the Bible did it when they were seeking God’s wisdom about different situations. I have fasted before, but it’s never been with any kind of purpose or focus.
Meanwhile, the stark truth is that in general, humans eat too much. Specifically, we eat too much food that is heavily processed and stripped of important nutrients. When we eat food that our bodies were not designed to eat, it short-circuits the wiring in our brain. It makes it difficult for our brain to receive and interpret signals. Frequently, we *feel* hungry when we are, in fact, thirsty. We eat when we are bored or happy or sad. Food has ceased being what it was designed to be—fuel for our bodies.
So, then, what is intermittent fasting? According to Nerd Fitness, “intermittent fasting is not a diet, but rather an eating pattern.” It’s not about going all day denying yourself all the food. I do not follow a set calorie plan per day. At the beginning of the week, I set a protocol. Big word for eating plan. I decide what I’m going to eat everyday. I include snacks. (Snacks during the fasting period should be 50 calories or fewer.) If I am not hungry, I don’t eat my snack.
The next question is, how much do I eat? I aim to eat when I am kind of hungry, kind of not. I aim to stop eating when my stomach feels comfortable.
I know. Not much of an answer. Honestly, it took me a little time to figure this out. I don’t do it perfectly at every meal. I have had a couple of meals where I have ended up eating too much. I aim for progress, not perfection.
Okay, so then what? I have two meals a day and I eat well at both those meals. Here is what my day typically looks like:
7-8 AM wake up
7:30 AM drink 8-12 ounces of warm lemon water
8:00 AM Slim
11:00-Noon Coffee with 2 tablespoons of whole milk
2:00-2:30 Salad—romaine lettuce, cherry tomatoes, 1/2 an avocado, cheese, red bell peppers, chick peas
3-4 Slim
6-8 Dinner—(as a for example) chicken breast, 1/2 sweet potato, veggies
I can tell you, I do not walk around hungry. I typically have far less food than I used to eat. I have had to downgrade to half a sweet potato because I was throwing most of my potato out.
Now. I sometimes have one serving of dark chocolate, but I plan that as well. I have eliminated sugar and flour from my diet. I honestly don’t miss it.
I do use other Plexus supplements. I haven’t listed them because they don’t add to my caloric load.
I will also say, I haven’t felt tempted to eat sugar, even when I’ve been around it. That has never happened before.
Monday, September 18, 2017
I'm So Tired.
I feel like I have been going nonstop for two weeks. Saturday was the pinnacle of this busyness--I spent almost all day shuttling one or two or more children from activity to activity. It was stressful but fulfilling.
So one of the things I'm working on right now is not using food to buffer my feelings. (Buffer meaning avoid/escape/postpone dealing with.) It's not a brand-new practice for me, though it's been a long time since I've tried to process my emotions before sticking food in my mouth.
Today was a stressful day for me. I don't know if it was because it was Monday or because it was a busy weekend. I snapped at the kids as I worked to make lunches. I had a good walk with a friend, but then I feel like I had no patience for Brooklyn. All in all, I was just irritable.
This is life. It happens. Even if I'm eating 100% clean and sticking to my protocol, life is going to happen. Part of having a protocol is to make decisions about what to eat before I'm hungry. I am much more inclined to make healthy food choices when I am not starving.
My goal this week is to go from 270.2 to 265. This is a very manageable goal, but for whatever reason, I'm stuck on the idea that I won't lose any weight this week. I am trying hard to not let that thought manifest negatively in my life. I am praying and doing the things I need to do.
Bekah has caught on to the fact that I'm losing weight, even though I'm fairly certain I didn't even mention that I was trying to lose weight. I work so hard not to disparage myself in front of her, but somehow she knows.
She wanted to take pictures of me, so I let her. It's tough, because I see some definite transformation, but of course not as dramatic as I wanted it.
One way I'm combatting this kind of negative thinking is to list the non-scale goals I've had over the past few days. First, I had nothing sweet at Bunco on Saturday. This was huge. And I didn't get home from Bunco and fill my face with any food, either. I had one plate of food (that I didn't finish, this is starting to be a thing) and plenty of water. Other than that, nothing.
Second, I'm getting to small for my britches. That's kind of scale-related, but separate. I now own no pants that fit me well--either they are way too big or just a smidgen too small. I'm hoping by the end of October to be able to wear a pair of jeans I've not worn since spring of 2015.
Third, I am not angry or resentful about food. I am not silently cursing the plate of sweets for "calling" to me. I didn't feel one bit tempted by the Klondike bars my brother bought for my kiddos.
Lastly, I went shopping in my closet. I wore a shirt that I've not been able to wear for at least two years. This is huge!
My eyes are droopy and I have so much more I want to write, but it will have to wait.
So one of the things I'm working on right now is not using food to buffer my feelings. (Buffer meaning avoid/escape/postpone dealing with.) It's not a brand-new practice for me, though it's been a long time since I've tried to process my emotions before sticking food in my mouth.
Today was a stressful day for me. I don't know if it was because it was Monday or because it was a busy weekend. I snapped at the kids as I worked to make lunches. I had a good walk with a friend, but then I feel like I had no patience for Brooklyn. All in all, I was just irritable.
This is life. It happens. Even if I'm eating 100% clean and sticking to my protocol, life is going to happen. Part of having a protocol is to make decisions about what to eat before I'm hungry. I am much more inclined to make healthy food choices when I am not starving.
My goal this week is to go from 270.2 to 265. This is a very manageable goal, but for whatever reason, I'm stuck on the idea that I won't lose any weight this week. I am trying hard to not let that thought manifest negatively in my life. I am praying and doing the things I need to do.
Bekah has caught on to the fact that I'm losing weight, even though I'm fairly certain I didn't even mention that I was trying to lose weight. I work so hard not to disparage myself in front of her, but somehow she knows.
She wanted to take pictures of me, so I let her. It's tough, because I see some definite transformation, but of course not as dramatic as I wanted it.
One way I'm combatting this kind of negative thinking is to list the non-scale goals I've had over the past few days. First, I had nothing sweet at Bunco on Saturday. This was huge. And I didn't get home from Bunco and fill my face with any food, either. I had one plate of food (that I didn't finish, this is starting to be a thing) and plenty of water. Other than that, nothing.
Second, I'm getting to small for my britches. That's kind of scale-related, but separate. I now own no pants that fit me well--either they are way too big or just a smidgen too small. I'm hoping by the end of October to be able to wear a pair of jeans I've not worn since spring of 2015.
Third, I am not angry or resentful about food. I am not silently cursing the plate of sweets for "calling" to me. I didn't feel one bit tempted by the Klondike bars my brother bought for my kiddos.
Lastly, I went shopping in my closet. I wore a shirt that I've not been able to wear for at least two years. This is huge!
My eyes are droopy and I have so much more I want to write, but it will have to wait.
Wednesday, September 13, 2017
Sue and -ish, A Love Story
Last night I couldn't come up with anything to write. Of course tonight, when I am dying to write something, I can't get to the computer fast enough. Go figure.
I've been talking in broad terms about this new protocol I'm following. I haven't been wanting to label it because it's going well and I don't want anyone to rain on my parade. I don't even really think it has a specific name, but if I were forced to give it a name, I would call it Paleo-ish.
I'm very fond of the -ish because I feel like it's the English language's way of shrugging it's shoulders and throwing up it's hands. It's the equivalent of wiggling your hand back and forth with your palm parallel to the floor.
I'm a very all-or-nothing kind of person, so I tend to struggle with most eating plans. I've never done well giving up food groups or food types. Ultimately, I find myself covered in Ding Dong wrappers with a massive headache.
I like food. I like food that has flavor. I don't want to eat exactly the same thing every day.
My problem with counting calories is I also want to count my exercise and then eat my exercise. As so many trainers and doctors say, it's all about expending more calories than you're eating. Which is true, but has never really translated to a decent amount of weight loss for me. I think there are people for whom it works well, and I am glad for them. It just turns into this game I play about how much I can or can't eat at any given meal. I spend a lot of time angry and hating MyFitnessPal, and really, what did the app ever do to me?
Meanwhile, I've been taught in church basements that goes like this, "There is a principle which is a bar against all information, which is proof against all arguments, and which cannot fail to keep a man in everlasting ignorance--that principle is contempt prior to investigation."
I have been guilty of that in several instances. It has usually not worked out well for me. I have learned that it is best for me to keep an open mind. That's not to say that when people make suggestions I don't internally roll my eyes, but I need to be willing to listen and give people the benefit of the doubt.
So a couple of weeks ago, when my friend Kristin reached out to me and asked if I was willing to follow her suggestions, I said yes. I didn't even know what I was agreeing to, but I had an open mind. I decided that my best thinking has gotten me here. Why don't I, one more time, listen to someone who has more wisdom than I?
As she laid out her suggested plan, I was both excited and skeptical. It seemed sound. I had heard a lot of evidence (before talking to Kristin) that seemed to match what Kristin was saying. I have been trying for years to back away from processed foods and try to eat foods in their natural state.
The skepticism came as she laid out for me *when* and *how* she wanted me to eat.
She suggested that I skip breakfast. The breakfast I had been eating (yogurt and homemade granola) was full of a lot of sugar. She suggested instead that I dine in on my own fat reserves. (Insert eye roll here.)
For lunch, a salad with some protein and lots of veggies. Skip the fruit (except for apples on occasion). This tracked with what the diabetic counselor had told Brian--even the natural sugar will spike blood sugar. Even though I have not been formally diagnosed with Type II diabetes, I'm right on the border, so I'd been following Brian's suggested plan, modified for a woman. (This just means I get fewer carbs at meals.)
For dinner, lean protein, veggies, a sweet potato or couscous.
So it's Paleo-ish. Not really Paleo because they say no dairy. I do a small amount of dairy, but not a lot. The list of things on my protocol is slightly more generous than the list of foods that are Paleo-approved, hence the ish.
I will tell you, for years I have railed (mostly silently) against Paleo. In my mind, for whatever reason, I equated it with Atkins. I didn't think you could have a sustainable eating plan where so many things were not included.
So here's the other component. Emotions. Because let's face it, I am a person with a lot of emotions and I tend to eat when any of those emotions run over. So when I get hangry or down or whatever, I have to stop and write about it. There is a whole model. Kristin's coach, Brooke Castillo, has a book. It's good. I am going to be reading it. But in any case, I am not using food to buffer my emotions. If I am feeling sad, I need to sit with that feeling. If I'm pissed off because I've had a fight with Brian, the solution to the feeling is not food.
For me, the solution is God. And here's where this dovetails nicely with Lysa Terkeurst's book that I mentioned the other day. God wants to be our solution. He wants us to come to him with everything. He promises us that anything we seek to be higher than him, we will find lacking.
As someone who has spent years putting other things above God, I can tell you that's true.
So then the last piece. Once dinner is over, the kitchen is closed. No nighttime snack. I will tell you, I have been finding myself having a single serving of dark chocolate on some evenings. I am not sure yet how I feel about that and how it fits into what I'm trying to do. I will report more on that as it unfolds. But the big thing for me is, once dinner is done, I'm done until lunch the next day.
Here again, I've been having a mid-morning cup of coffee with a very, very small amount of cream in it. I might find in a few weeks that it's no longer serving me. I don't know. For now, it helps a bit.
I weigh in on Friday morning, but as of last Friday, after only 5 days of following Kristin's suggestions, I lost 7 pounds.
Bigger than that, though, is I do not feel like I'm starving. I don't feel deprived. I start eating when my hunger is -2 and I stop when I am at +2. (-10 is I'm ready to start eating my own foot, +10 is I'm so full I'm going to puke.) I feel like I am still learning this scale. I am not used to eating when I start to feel full. It's tricky. It's made me slow down when I eat. I drink a LOT of water. I have a 32 ounce water bottle from Contigo and I drink at least 48 ounces of water during dinner. (Same for lunch.) I drink a lot of water between meals. A lot. No, like a whole bunch.
What's most tremendous for me is that I do not, not one little bit, feel like I'm depriving myself. I don't feel like I'm pining after things. I have started thinking about a piece or two of pumpkin pie for Thanksgiving, but I have time to work through that.
Have I followed my own protocol 100%? Nope. Right now, I have peace about that. I don't feel like this plan is stringent. I don't want to beat myself up for not walking as much as I wanted to in a given day. I want peace. I want peace about food in the worst way, and I can tell you that this plan, so far, is giving me lots of peace.
I've been trying to figure out how to modify recipes to be more Paleo while also not trying to insist that everyone in the house eat like me. What follows is a modification of a recipe I found Googling "ground beef paleo recipes." It was for beef stroganoff, but it called for cubed meat, which I didn't have, and suggested using a cast iron skillet, which I have but can't figure out how to use.
This is the recipe, it's still beef stroganoff, just with ground beef and turkey. I should have taken pictures of it before we ate, but I didn't have the presence of mind.
Ingredients:
1 lb. lean ground beef (I use Costco's grass fed/organic beef)
1 lb. ground turkey (also Costco)
8 oz. mushrooms, sliced
4-5 garlic cloves, minced
1 small onion, chopped
1/4 c. dry white wine
1 c. coconut milk
1 c. beef broth
2-4 tbsp. light sour cream
Directions:
1. Heat a skillet, toss some butter in the skillet (I can't remember how much I used, maybe 2-3 tablespoons). Throw in the mushrooms, let them cook until they start to shrink (not scientific or precise, forgive me, this is the first time I've ever written a recipe. Remove the mushrooms, set aside.
2. Pour some olive oil (just a dollop will do ya) into the skillet. Add the garlic and onion. Cook until the onion is translucent.
3. Add the white wine and let the alcohol cook off.
4. Add the ground beef and turkey. Sprinkle with a fair amount of salt and freshly ground pepper (also Costco). Drain any fat you can.
5. Once the meat is browned evenly, add the coconut milk, beef broth and (if you want) the sour cream. Let it come to a boil, then simmer for about 10 minutes.
I ate this with a sweet potato--I prepared egg noodles for Brian. It's up to you. I know they probably make a Paleo-acceptable egg noodle, but I was happy with just the meat and sweet potato. I finished up my salad from lunch and Brian had some veggies from the veggie platter (also Costco).
From start to finish, the meal took me about 30ish minutes to prepare. It had a great flavor to it and Brian and I enjoyed it--Brooklyn, too, though Bekah was offended that there were mushrooms and the boys don't like their food to be so mixed up.
So there you have it! My first ever (mostly) made-up recipe! I was getting really tired of burgers, tacos and meatloaf, I'm not going to lie. I bought some beans today and am going to bust out the Crock Pot for some chili on Sunday or Monday.
I may be hating all of this in six months, but I'm not going to worry about that. For now, I'm going to get some sleep and be ready to get back at it tomorrow.
I've been talking in broad terms about this new protocol I'm following. I haven't been wanting to label it because it's going well and I don't want anyone to rain on my parade. I don't even really think it has a specific name, but if I were forced to give it a name, I would call it Paleo-ish.
I'm very fond of the -ish because I feel like it's the English language's way of shrugging it's shoulders and throwing up it's hands. It's the equivalent of wiggling your hand back and forth with your palm parallel to the floor.
I'm a very all-or-nothing kind of person, so I tend to struggle with most eating plans. I've never done well giving up food groups or food types. Ultimately, I find myself covered in Ding Dong wrappers with a massive headache.
I like food. I like food that has flavor. I don't want to eat exactly the same thing every day.
My problem with counting calories is I also want to count my exercise and then eat my exercise. As so many trainers and doctors say, it's all about expending more calories than you're eating. Which is true, but has never really translated to a decent amount of weight loss for me. I think there are people for whom it works well, and I am glad for them. It just turns into this game I play about how much I can or can't eat at any given meal. I spend a lot of time angry and hating MyFitnessPal, and really, what did the app ever do to me?
Meanwhile, I've been taught in church basements that goes like this, "There is a principle which is a bar against all information, which is proof against all arguments, and which cannot fail to keep a man in everlasting ignorance--that principle is contempt prior to investigation."
I have been guilty of that in several instances. It has usually not worked out well for me. I have learned that it is best for me to keep an open mind. That's not to say that when people make suggestions I don't internally roll my eyes, but I need to be willing to listen and give people the benefit of the doubt.
So a couple of weeks ago, when my friend Kristin reached out to me and asked if I was willing to follow her suggestions, I said yes. I didn't even know what I was agreeing to, but I had an open mind. I decided that my best thinking has gotten me here. Why don't I, one more time, listen to someone who has more wisdom than I?
As she laid out her suggested plan, I was both excited and skeptical. It seemed sound. I had heard a lot of evidence (before talking to Kristin) that seemed to match what Kristin was saying. I have been trying for years to back away from processed foods and try to eat foods in their natural state.
The skepticism came as she laid out for me *when* and *how* she wanted me to eat.
She suggested that I skip breakfast. The breakfast I had been eating (yogurt and homemade granola) was full of a lot of sugar. She suggested instead that I dine in on my own fat reserves. (Insert eye roll here.)
For lunch, a salad with some protein and lots of veggies. Skip the fruit (except for apples on occasion). This tracked with what the diabetic counselor had told Brian--even the natural sugar will spike blood sugar. Even though I have not been formally diagnosed with Type II diabetes, I'm right on the border, so I'd been following Brian's suggested plan, modified for a woman. (This just means I get fewer carbs at meals.)
For dinner, lean protein, veggies, a sweet potato or couscous.
So it's Paleo-ish. Not really Paleo because they say no dairy. I do a small amount of dairy, but not a lot. The list of things on my protocol is slightly more generous than the list of foods that are Paleo-approved, hence the ish.
I will tell you, for years I have railed (mostly silently) against Paleo. In my mind, for whatever reason, I equated it with Atkins. I didn't think you could have a sustainable eating plan where so many things were not included.
So here's the other component. Emotions. Because let's face it, I am a person with a lot of emotions and I tend to eat when any of those emotions run over. So when I get hangry or down or whatever, I have to stop and write about it. There is a whole model. Kristin's coach, Brooke Castillo, has a book. It's good. I am going to be reading it. But in any case, I am not using food to buffer my emotions. If I am feeling sad, I need to sit with that feeling. If I'm pissed off because I've had a fight with Brian, the solution to the feeling is not food.
For me, the solution is God. And here's where this dovetails nicely with Lysa Terkeurst's book that I mentioned the other day. God wants to be our solution. He wants us to come to him with everything. He promises us that anything we seek to be higher than him, we will find lacking.
As someone who has spent years putting other things above God, I can tell you that's true.
So then the last piece. Once dinner is over, the kitchen is closed. No nighttime snack. I will tell you, I have been finding myself having a single serving of dark chocolate on some evenings. I am not sure yet how I feel about that and how it fits into what I'm trying to do. I will report more on that as it unfolds. But the big thing for me is, once dinner is done, I'm done until lunch the next day.
Here again, I've been having a mid-morning cup of coffee with a very, very small amount of cream in it. I might find in a few weeks that it's no longer serving me. I don't know. For now, it helps a bit.
I weigh in on Friday morning, but as of last Friday, after only 5 days of following Kristin's suggestions, I lost 7 pounds.
Bigger than that, though, is I do not feel like I'm starving. I don't feel deprived. I start eating when my hunger is -2 and I stop when I am at +2. (-10 is I'm ready to start eating my own foot, +10 is I'm so full I'm going to puke.) I feel like I am still learning this scale. I am not used to eating when I start to feel full. It's tricky. It's made me slow down when I eat. I drink a LOT of water. I have a 32 ounce water bottle from Contigo and I drink at least 48 ounces of water during dinner. (Same for lunch.) I drink a lot of water between meals. A lot. No, like a whole bunch.
What's most tremendous for me is that I do not, not one little bit, feel like I'm depriving myself. I don't feel like I'm pining after things. I have started thinking about a piece or two of pumpkin pie for Thanksgiving, but I have time to work through that.
Have I followed my own protocol 100%? Nope. Right now, I have peace about that. I don't feel like this plan is stringent. I don't want to beat myself up for not walking as much as I wanted to in a given day. I want peace. I want peace about food in the worst way, and I can tell you that this plan, so far, is giving me lots of peace.
I've been trying to figure out how to modify recipes to be more Paleo while also not trying to insist that everyone in the house eat like me. What follows is a modification of a recipe I found Googling "ground beef paleo recipes." It was for beef stroganoff, but it called for cubed meat, which I didn't have, and suggested using a cast iron skillet, which I have but can't figure out how to use.
This is the recipe, it's still beef stroganoff, just with ground beef and turkey. I should have taken pictures of it before we ate, but I didn't have the presence of mind.
Ingredients:
1 lb. lean ground beef (I use Costco's grass fed/organic beef)
1 lb. ground turkey (also Costco)
8 oz. mushrooms, sliced
4-5 garlic cloves, minced
1 small onion, chopped
1/4 c. dry white wine
1 c. coconut milk
1 c. beef broth
2-4 tbsp. light sour cream
Directions:
1. Heat a skillet, toss some butter in the skillet (I can't remember how much I used, maybe 2-3 tablespoons). Throw in the mushrooms, let them cook until they start to shrink (not scientific or precise, forgive me, this is the first time I've ever written a recipe. Remove the mushrooms, set aside.
2. Pour some olive oil (just a dollop will do ya) into the skillet. Add the garlic and onion. Cook until the onion is translucent.
3. Add the white wine and let the alcohol cook off.
4. Add the ground beef and turkey. Sprinkle with a fair amount of salt and freshly ground pepper (also Costco). Drain any fat you can.
5. Once the meat is browned evenly, add the coconut milk, beef broth and (if you want) the sour cream. Let it come to a boil, then simmer for about 10 minutes.
I ate this with a sweet potato--I prepared egg noodles for Brian. It's up to you. I know they probably make a Paleo-acceptable egg noodle, but I was happy with just the meat and sweet potato. I finished up my salad from lunch and Brian had some veggies from the veggie platter (also Costco).
From start to finish, the meal took me about 30ish minutes to prepare. It had a great flavor to it and Brian and I enjoyed it--Brooklyn, too, though Bekah was offended that there were mushrooms and the boys don't like their food to be so mixed up.
So there you have it! My first ever (mostly) made-up recipe! I was getting really tired of burgers, tacos and meatloaf, I'm not going to lie. I bought some beans today and am going to bust out the Crock Pot for some chili on Sunday or Monday.
I may be hating all of this in six months, but I'm not going to worry about that. For now, I'm going to get some sleep and be ready to get back at it tomorrow.
Tuesday, September 12, 2017
Just a Little Diddy
I am tired, but am determined to write more regularly, so here I am. I am not even sure what to write about, honestly.
I had another wonderful weekend in Oregon, IL. I walked a lot, talked a lot, laughed A LOT. Cards Against Humanity, while it is R-rated and highly inappropriate, is also really fun to play with friends.
I am reminded after weekends like this one (similar to the reminder I had in June) how important it is for me to have a tribe and to stick with that tribe. I love my friends in my moms groups, I love my friends at church, I love all of the wonderful friends I am privileged to know. There is something special, however, about connecting with people who speak your specific language.
It was great to reconnect with people, some of whom I've not caught up with in a long time. I am disappointed that Bekah's dance recital conflicts with the women's retreat next June. I have managed to get the okay from Brian, though, to have a girl's weekend and possibly travel to AZ to see a close friend of mine.
The other wild thing about this weekend is that I was blessed in physical ways. One of the women I drove home with offered me her TV that she's not used in 4 years. It's an upgrade from our current tube TV and it's in really good shape. A TV! Seriously! Then another friend offered to get me dance items for Bekah on the cheap (she's a dancer and receives a discount). (That offer made me burst into tears. I love Bekah and we make sacrifices for her to be able to pursue her passion. It's so humbling to have someone see the sacrifices and hard work we are making/doing and want to help out.)
Then, as I went to finish unpacking today (which, actually, is a record for me), I found $60 in my bag that I'd never seen before.
Meanwhile, I still have all of my hands and feet. I have managed to stick to the protocol Kristin laid out for me. I didn't die from the cold I had (it was touch-and-go there for a while).
As of last Friday, the end of the first 5 days of the protocol, I lost 7 pounds! I am very close to being under 270 and that hasn't happened for a while. I am not feeling deprived or hungry or anything like that. I have lots of energy, get plenty to eat and aside from drinking a bit less coffee, haven't had to make huge adjustments.
Doug fought getting on the bus yesterday. Today he did a lot better. The kids were driving me nuts after dinner, but I was glad they were doing their best to play together.
Had a good counseling session today. I am reminded that I need to work every day at my faith. I am not working to secure my salvation, but I am training my mind and my body to be more like Christ. It takes an effort to pray, read, meditate, etc. I don't do a perfect job every day, but I do my best to practice these principles in all my affairs.
I am doing my best to combat negative self-talk, which seems to crop up at random times. Like, for example, the current lie being told in my head, that if I don't get up tomorrow at the butt crack of dawn and run/walk before Doug's therapy appointment, I'm a failure. I know that's not true, but it's one of a hundred little blurbs I fight mentally on a daily basis.
I'm hoping to be able to sit down and write more this week, but I'm not sure time will permit me.
I had another wonderful weekend in Oregon, IL. I walked a lot, talked a lot, laughed A LOT. Cards Against Humanity, while it is R-rated and highly inappropriate, is also really fun to play with friends.
I am reminded after weekends like this one (similar to the reminder I had in June) how important it is for me to have a tribe and to stick with that tribe. I love my friends in my moms groups, I love my friends at church, I love all of the wonderful friends I am privileged to know. There is something special, however, about connecting with people who speak your specific language.
It was great to reconnect with people, some of whom I've not caught up with in a long time. I am disappointed that Bekah's dance recital conflicts with the women's retreat next June. I have managed to get the okay from Brian, though, to have a girl's weekend and possibly travel to AZ to see a close friend of mine.
The other wild thing about this weekend is that I was blessed in physical ways. One of the women I drove home with offered me her TV that she's not used in 4 years. It's an upgrade from our current tube TV and it's in really good shape. A TV! Seriously! Then another friend offered to get me dance items for Bekah on the cheap (she's a dancer and receives a discount). (That offer made me burst into tears. I love Bekah and we make sacrifices for her to be able to pursue her passion. It's so humbling to have someone see the sacrifices and hard work we are making/doing and want to help out.)
Then, as I went to finish unpacking today (which, actually, is a record for me), I found $60 in my bag that I'd never seen before.
Meanwhile, I still have all of my hands and feet. I have managed to stick to the protocol Kristin laid out for me. I didn't die from the cold I had (it was touch-and-go there for a while).
As of last Friday, the end of the first 5 days of the protocol, I lost 7 pounds! I am very close to being under 270 and that hasn't happened for a while. I am not feeling deprived or hungry or anything like that. I have lots of energy, get plenty to eat and aside from drinking a bit less coffee, haven't had to make huge adjustments.
Doug fought getting on the bus yesterday. Today he did a lot better. The kids were driving me nuts after dinner, but I was glad they were doing their best to play together.
Had a good counseling session today. I am reminded that I need to work every day at my faith. I am not working to secure my salvation, but I am training my mind and my body to be more like Christ. It takes an effort to pray, read, meditate, etc. I don't do a perfect job every day, but I do my best to practice these principles in all my affairs.
I am doing my best to combat negative self-talk, which seems to crop up at random times. Like, for example, the current lie being told in my head, that if I don't get up tomorrow at the butt crack of dawn and run/walk before Doug's therapy appointment, I'm a failure. I know that's not true, but it's one of a hundred little blurbs I fight mentally on a daily basis.
I'm hoping to be able to sit down and write more this week, but I'm not sure time will permit me.
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)