The last few days, I have spent the whole day planning what I was going to say. Then, over the course of the day, I feel like I need to take the post in a different direction.
Today is weigh-in day. This used to be a day I would dread. I have been at this for a long time. This particular leg of my journey started six weeks ago. Most people probably wouldn't publish their actual, real live weight on a blog post.
I, of course, am not most people.
I was in Lane Bryant today (exchanging a bra I bought three weeks ago for a smaller size, no big deal). They have done an amazing job of embracing and advancing the idea of beauty at all sizes. The models they have on display are stunning, even if they don't have the typical model physique.
For me, aiming to be smaller is not about rejecting the person I am or the way I look. I think I am more beautiful now than I was at 20. I think that has a lot to do with the fact that I am more at peace with myself now than I was then.
But the fact of the matter is, weighing 278 pounds puts a tremendous strain on my body, both inside and out. It makes my heart and other organs have to work harder. My knees start to object whenever I try strenuous activity. I am winded easily. I am hot all the time. I feel hungry all the time. I am tired after I eat.
I navigated to the BMI calculator on the nih.gov website. My current weight is 248.2 (that's a whopping 30.8 pounds gone after 6 weeks). That means my current BMI is 39, which puts me in the obese range. For fun, I entered a weight of 160 and at that weight, my BMI would be 24.3, which would put me in the normal weight category, albeit at the high end.
Now, I know some of you are screaming and railing against the use of BMI as a calculation for a healthy weight. I am not saying that it's a perfect measure, but again, it's a number. It doesn't define me or negate any accomplishments I've had. It doesn't mean that once I arrive at that weight (and set up camp, I might add) that all of my problems will melt away. That's just not how life works. I accept that. I'm just trying to use a standard measurement so that I know where to aim.
I didn't do as well today as I would've liked. I ate too much at dinner. I feel slightly uncomfortable sitting here writing. It's not the worst I've ever done. In fact, the amount I ate tonight that was too much wouldn't have bothered me six weeks ago. Now, however, I feel overinflated. It is a tough feeling, to fail. I'm not saying I failed at everything, but let's be honest. I am an all-or-nothing kind of gal and so it's easy to say I should just give up.
I am grateful, though, for a fairly functional brain that tells me not to throw in the towel. It tells me I need to work the model on what happened. And I know what happened. I have developed the awful habit of eating in front of the TV. I will admit that by dinnertime, I am just done. I don't want to talk to anyone, I'm done hearing fart and knock knock jokes, I don't care about Minecraft and I don't want to be peppered with inane questions. I just want to sit in front of the TV with my plate of food, my bottle of water and not think too much.
Tonight, it was all of that compounded by a hectic evening. Bekah's dance company has a gala tomorrow. They had dress rehearsal tonight. I didn't plan well and had to run to a nearby dance store to buy her a pair of tan jazz shoes. I was disappointed because I tried Payless and the closest location that had them was in Bloomingdale, which is far away from Crystal Lake. I am not asking for sympathy, I'm just laying out the facts. I didn't plan well and paid dearly for it.
The gala is being held at the SanFilippo estate in nearby Barrington. I had never been there before, on top of the fact that navigation is not my strong suit. There were a lot of country roads with very little streetlights. Once I got onto the estate, I had no idea where I was going. I couldn't find a parking spot. You get the idea--what I thought was going to be a cut and dry thing turned into a whole production.
So by the time I got home, it was almost 8, which is my cutoff time for dinner. Again, I didn't write a specific protocol for this week. Had I sat down and planned, I could have planned to take something with me, or pushed dinner time out to 8:30, just for this one night. The protocol is as much about deciding ahead of time what I'll eat as it is about when I will eat. That way, I am making decisions about what to put in my body long before I start to feel hungry.
Upon arriving at home, I started heating up my meal. Brian had gone to take Brooklyn to bed. The boys were roughhousing with each other. I tried to keep them quiet, to no avail. I was on the edge of hangry and wasn't managing my emotions very well. (And honestly, I probably wasn't on the edge of hangry so much as I was on the edge of bedtime, a time of day that could short even Mother Theresa's fuse.) So instead of heating up my meal, assembling it all on a plate, heading over to the dining room table, taking a deep breath and starting to eat, I stood at the counter, taking bites in between trying to pick Brooklyn up (she wasn't ready to go to sleep) and/or try to stop her from grabbing food off of my plate.
For. Real. It was like I was in a hidden camera show called "How Not to Eat," specifically, the before segment. I managed to drink a lot of water, but rather than skipping the couscous (I was eating a sweet potato), I ate my half of a sweet potato and the couscous. Again, not a heinous amount of extra food, but enough to put me past the point of satiety. Because I've been aiming to stop eating just as I'm starting to feel full, it felt uncomfortable.
However, I didn't just throw up my hands, say "eff it" and dive into a bowl of popcorn. I took Brooklyn to her room and rocked and nursed her to sleep. I've decided I am actually quite happy that lunch is so far away. It will give my body a chance to finish digesting what I've eaten tonight.
I am not going to let myself be derailed because of one bad meal. I have a long way to go, that is for sure. My short-term goal is to be able to wear my wedding ring by the time Christmas rolls around. It might be a bit of a stretch, but I feel up to the challenge.
Speaking of Christmas, I have spent the past couple of days researching recipes for the holidays. I plan to do a test run on a couple of them to see if the family objects. I know if I show up with untested dishes or dishes with too many exotic ingredients, everyone will balk. I already know I do not want to eat foods that don't serve me, even on a holiday.
I feel like I have spent a lot of my life using food to celebrate things. It's part of our culture, right? Jim Gaffigan, one of my all-time favorite comedians, riffs on this idea. He asks, "how should we celebrate our independence day? Well, by eating a brat and a burger. And then some pie." Right? I mean, it's the way we do it, but it doesn't seem to be serving us well as a country.
So I have decided not to do pumpkin pie or pecan pie or Christmas cookies or really, December cookies, because who just bakes and eats Christmas cookies only on Christmas? (Similar to my idea that Halloween candy purchased and/or eaten before Halloween is just single serve candy in a fancy package.)
I am stepping out of the stream of thought that it's okay "just this once" or "hey, you gotta live a little." For me, the new way I'm doing things is serving me really well. I feel amazing. I have energy. I have clarity of mind. I am not in a constant brain fog, or constantly tired, or running around like a chicken with its head cut off. I am able to sleep well and wake up ready to hit the ground running. My skin looks amazing, my hair is shiny, my head doesn't hurt all the time.
In short, I have worked very hard over the past six weeks to heal my body. I have spent time considering what I will eat and drink (water--lots and lots and lots of water), when and how often I will exercise, how much I will sleep, etc. It may seem like a chore, or that I'm not having any fun, but really the opposite is true. I don't spend hours thinking about food. I already know what I'm going to eat for the day, so there's no need to spend time thinking about it. It's already written down. I've already decided when I'm going to have my one serving of dark chocolate, and what's more, if I feel like it won't serve me well, I decide not to have it and I don't feel bummed at all.
Why, then, would I choose to go back? I have nothing to gain back where I was. The only option, then, is to pick myself up, take stock of what went wrong, and aspire to make better choices in the future.
Friday, October 13, 2017
Thursday, October 12, 2017
How to Shop Without Losing Your Mind (well, without losing more of it)
Good evening, faithful readers! I hope all is well on your end of the screen. Today started off in a rough way for me, but the day seems to be ending a bit better.
Doug's sleep problems persist. We had received a recommendation for a psychiatrist in Crystal Lake, so I made an appointment for him...in January. Meanwhile, his neurologist wanted him to get tested...in Park Ridge. It's a lovely town, but far away from Crystal Lake.
This morning, he was awake before 5 AM (for how long no one knows), fiddling with our vacuum cleaner. It's not the ideal way to wake up, especially when it's two hours before I *actually* have to get up.
We went through this same situation with Jeremy. After he was diagnosed with ASD, ADHD and SPD, he was given medication to help regulated the ADHD and also to help him sleep at night. I usually don't sing Big Pharma's praises, but in Jeremy's case it has helped him tremendously. When Jeremy was struggling with sleep, it wasn't affecting as many people. Now when Doug doesn't sleep, it has the potential to negatively impact the entire household.
So I made an appointment at the office where Jeremy and I see (different) psychiatrist(s). I will be taking Doug tomorrow and though it will be a few weeks before we arrive at answers, I'm optimistic that the sleep issue will be resolved before Christmas.
Aside from that, Brooklyn seems to be cutting all the remaining teeth in her mouth at once. She is a snotty, congested mess. It's been tough to adjust my expectations about having "just" Brooklyn at home. I had a vision of getting all the things done, but I'm finding it's almost tougher to complete things when it's just her.
I try to remember that my main job is to be a mom, not a household manager. When I keep my focus there, I have a lot more peace and serenity.
Okay, so now on to shopping.
One of the things I struggle with when someone mentions a new way of eating is how do I shop? I am a creature of habit. I have my pre-determined route through the supermarket hardwired into my brain. God forbid they change the layout of my favorite store! It can take weeks before I re-learn my path. Those weeks' trips involve a lot of circling back and muttering things under my breath.
Then I struggle with the menu. I have two kids (the boys) who have sensory issues. I can't just upend the entire menu or I'm cooking multiple meals a night.
But I am an all-or-nothing person, so I spend the most time fighting against my own brain. That is the beginning of what, in the past, has triggered a shut down. Instead of figuring all this out, I scroll through Pinterest recipes and eat pizza. (This may or may not have happened when I made the ill-advised decision to be a vegetarian.)
So I have to keep it simple. I'd like to make zoodles or whatever, but mostly I'd like it in a world where I have endless time and every major pot and pan from the Williams-Sonoma catalog. The reality for me is four children, a dog, two guinea pigs and a revolving door of characters from the neighborhood. I need my food to be simple.
I also need my food to taste good. Not in a heavily processed, store-bought way, but in a flavorful way. I don't want to eat kale and celery all the time. I don't think that ends up being sustainable (for me, anyway). I would love to try bok choy and fennel and other mysterious veggies, but my husband and kids balk at my ideas to introduce brussel sprouts, which is one of my favorite things (true story, no one else eats them and I can't eat an entire pan of brussel sprouts without severe gastrointestinal consequences).
But I digress.
I am also crazy busy and don't have time to hit more than a few stores. I have tweaked my shopping experience and narrowed it down to two main stores. I do a Target run every other week for diapers and other random bits as needed.
So I shop at two stores, Costco and Aldi. I used to shop for most of my produce at Aldi, but with my recent shift in protocol, I'm finding it more cost effective to get (most) of my produce at Costco.
I hit Costco pretty hard. I buy their organic ground beef, ground turkey (they come in multipacks, where each of the packs is one pound), skirt steak (which we use for fajitas or just for a delicious meal), chicken breasts (they come in a similar multipack and are the thicker kind), then a bag of frozen chicken breasts (these ones are in a 10-lb bag in the freezer section). I also buy a pack of sliced cheese and some lunch meat for Brian.
Then I head over to produce. I grab a bag of lemons (for my daily warm lemon water), a bag of sweet potatoes, a bag of avocados. Then I head into the refrigerator and grab two bags of romaine hearts (this is the most I can fit in my refrigerator. I chop up one romaine heart per day for my salad, so I end up coming back before the 2-week mark to get one more). I also grab a package of the tri-colored peppers, baby portabella mushrooms, cherry tomatoes and the veggie platter. I love the veggie platter because the veggies are chopped up and easy to throw into the microwave in a steam bag (check them out in the food storage section at Target or WalMart--they are major time savers) for dinner. At $9.99, it's an amazing value. We go through two every two weeks. For real, it's a lifesaver.
I usually don't buy fruit at Costco. I don't eat any fruit on my current protocol and Brian only eats a small amount. The kids eat some fruit, but we have never been able to eat through a Costco-sized portion of fruit before some of it goes bad. The only exception to this is apples, which Jeremy eats like most kids eat candy.
I then head over to the freezer section to buy the aforementioned chicken breasts, popcorn chicken (a necessary evil in my house). Then it's on to string cheese, Mexican shredded cheese, eggs, milk, butter. I just discovered, on my last pass through Costco, hardboiled eggs that are already peeled. For. Real. Gamechanger. I don't care how many articles I read on Pinterest, boiled eggs are my Everest. It may be a little costly, but because I won't be standing over a sink of mangled eggs swearing at the idea of boiling them, it's well worth it.
I do pick up some Veggie Straws and assorted chips, but those are for Brian and the kids.
At Aldi, I buy green bell peppers, spinach (the container at Costco is too big for my refrigerator), grapes, dark chocolate, lunch meat for the kids, oatmeal for Brian, garbanzo beans, couscous and any spices I know I've run out of. I also buy hot dogs (you can clutch your pearls, I get it, they're the worst and I agree with you), tortillas, salsa, or whatever other small cans of things I need. I don't shop for those things at Costco because I have a major storage issue at my house (or lack thereof). I may also buy bacon and sour cream at Aldi. Aside from that, like I said, I buy most of my things at Costco.
Now, when I get home I do not make salads in mason jars or pickling jars or any other kind of jar. Again, I have a side-by-side refrigerator that is original to my house (which was built in the early 90s). I have been informed by multiple repairmen that it will probably last forever. Our precarious financial situation has made replacing a working refrigerator just a pipe dream. I have just enough room to store the bounty from Costco and Aldi. I did just do a major purge of the freezer, where I found artifacts predating Doug's birth (he's 6). After clearing a lot of that out, I am happy to report that the only thing in my freezer is meat, onions, dark chocolate and some baby food trays filled with frozen lemon juice.
Every morning at around 11:00 AM, as I am sipping my coffee, I pull out all the relevant ingredients for my salad, chop them up and throw them in my 2.5 cup Rubbermaid bowl. I stick it back in the refrigerator until about 1:45 (or when I am hungry), pull it out, drizzle some salad dressing, put the lid on, shake it up, voila! Salad!
I have been finding that if I do plan well, I only have to actually cook 3-4 nights a week. I tend to only eat one serving of whatever meal I have (plus 1/2 a sweet potato or some couscous) at a meal. This means that even if everyone else eats one serving, there are typically enough for one or two night's worth of leftovers. The chili recipe I found (which is amazing) will last us almost all week. I can only eat a bowl full of it before I am really full.
Ultimately, I want to cook simply but cook food that is full of flavor. I have had some meals flop while others are wildly successful. I made meatballs today and everyone (boys included) were over the moon for them. I don't take it personally if people don't like what I cook. Typically, my chicken dishes have fallen flat, but then that becomes chicken I add to my salads.
We throw out a very, very small amount of food. We have gotten in a good routine with leftovers. I try to cook on nights that are not chock full of activity, so on the nights we are busy we can just pull things out and heat them up.
I don't think I intended to write this much about shopping, but I hope that it helps! I don't feel like it needs to be fancy or expensive--in fact, I think those two things can make the whole thing unsustainable.
Please drop a comment if you have any questions, I'd love to answer them! Thanks for reading!
Doug's sleep problems persist. We had received a recommendation for a psychiatrist in Crystal Lake, so I made an appointment for him...in January. Meanwhile, his neurologist wanted him to get tested...in Park Ridge. It's a lovely town, but far away from Crystal Lake.
This morning, he was awake before 5 AM (for how long no one knows), fiddling with our vacuum cleaner. It's not the ideal way to wake up, especially when it's two hours before I *actually* have to get up.
We went through this same situation with Jeremy. After he was diagnosed with ASD, ADHD and SPD, he was given medication to help regulated the ADHD and also to help him sleep at night. I usually don't sing Big Pharma's praises, but in Jeremy's case it has helped him tremendously. When Jeremy was struggling with sleep, it wasn't affecting as many people. Now when Doug doesn't sleep, it has the potential to negatively impact the entire household.
So I made an appointment at the office where Jeremy and I see (different) psychiatrist(s). I will be taking Doug tomorrow and though it will be a few weeks before we arrive at answers, I'm optimistic that the sleep issue will be resolved before Christmas.
Aside from that, Brooklyn seems to be cutting all the remaining teeth in her mouth at once. She is a snotty, congested mess. It's been tough to adjust my expectations about having "just" Brooklyn at home. I had a vision of getting all the things done, but I'm finding it's almost tougher to complete things when it's just her.
I try to remember that my main job is to be a mom, not a household manager. When I keep my focus there, I have a lot more peace and serenity.
Okay, so now on to shopping.
One of the things I struggle with when someone mentions a new way of eating is how do I shop? I am a creature of habit. I have my pre-determined route through the supermarket hardwired into my brain. God forbid they change the layout of my favorite store! It can take weeks before I re-learn my path. Those weeks' trips involve a lot of circling back and muttering things under my breath.
Then I struggle with the menu. I have two kids (the boys) who have sensory issues. I can't just upend the entire menu or I'm cooking multiple meals a night.
But I am an all-or-nothing person, so I spend the most time fighting against my own brain. That is the beginning of what, in the past, has triggered a shut down. Instead of figuring all this out, I scroll through Pinterest recipes and eat pizza. (This may or may not have happened when I made the ill-advised decision to be a vegetarian.)
So I have to keep it simple. I'd like to make zoodles or whatever, but mostly I'd like it in a world where I have endless time and every major pot and pan from the Williams-Sonoma catalog. The reality for me is four children, a dog, two guinea pigs and a revolving door of characters from the neighborhood. I need my food to be simple.
I also need my food to taste good. Not in a heavily processed, store-bought way, but in a flavorful way. I don't want to eat kale and celery all the time. I don't think that ends up being sustainable (for me, anyway). I would love to try bok choy and fennel and other mysterious veggies, but my husband and kids balk at my ideas to introduce brussel sprouts, which is one of my favorite things (true story, no one else eats them and I can't eat an entire pan of brussel sprouts without severe gastrointestinal consequences).
But I digress.
I am also crazy busy and don't have time to hit more than a few stores. I have tweaked my shopping experience and narrowed it down to two main stores. I do a Target run every other week for diapers and other random bits as needed.
So I shop at two stores, Costco and Aldi. I used to shop for most of my produce at Aldi, but with my recent shift in protocol, I'm finding it more cost effective to get (most) of my produce at Costco.
I hit Costco pretty hard. I buy their organic ground beef, ground turkey (they come in multipacks, where each of the packs is one pound), skirt steak (which we use for fajitas or just for a delicious meal), chicken breasts (they come in a similar multipack and are the thicker kind), then a bag of frozen chicken breasts (these ones are in a 10-lb bag in the freezer section). I also buy a pack of sliced cheese and some lunch meat for Brian.
Then I head over to produce. I grab a bag of lemons (for my daily warm lemon water), a bag of sweet potatoes, a bag of avocados. Then I head into the refrigerator and grab two bags of romaine hearts (this is the most I can fit in my refrigerator. I chop up one romaine heart per day for my salad, so I end up coming back before the 2-week mark to get one more). I also grab a package of the tri-colored peppers, baby portabella mushrooms, cherry tomatoes and the veggie platter. I love the veggie platter because the veggies are chopped up and easy to throw into the microwave in a steam bag (check them out in the food storage section at Target or WalMart--they are major time savers) for dinner. At $9.99, it's an amazing value. We go through two every two weeks. For real, it's a lifesaver.
I usually don't buy fruit at Costco. I don't eat any fruit on my current protocol and Brian only eats a small amount. The kids eat some fruit, but we have never been able to eat through a Costco-sized portion of fruit before some of it goes bad. The only exception to this is apples, which Jeremy eats like most kids eat candy.
I then head over to the freezer section to buy the aforementioned chicken breasts, popcorn chicken (a necessary evil in my house). Then it's on to string cheese, Mexican shredded cheese, eggs, milk, butter. I just discovered, on my last pass through Costco, hardboiled eggs that are already peeled. For. Real. Gamechanger. I don't care how many articles I read on Pinterest, boiled eggs are my Everest. It may be a little costly, but because I won't be standing over a sink of mangled eggs swearing at the idea of boiling them, it's well worth it.
I do pick up some Veggie Straws and assorted chips, but those are for Brian and the kids.
At Aldi, I buy green bell peppers, spinach (the container at Costco is too big for my refrigerator), grapes, dark chocolate, lunch meat for the kids, oatmeal for Brian, garbanzo beans, couscous and any spices I know I've run out of. I also buy hot dogs (you can clutch your pearls, I get it, they're the worst and I agree with you), tortillas, salsa, or whatever other small cans of things I need. I don't shop for those things at Costco because I have a major storage issue at my house (or lack thereof). I may also buy bacon and sour cream at Aldi. Aside from that, like I said, I buy most of my things at Costco.
Now, when I get home I do not make salads in mason jars or pickling jars or any other kind of jar. Again, I have a side-by-side refrigerator that is original to my house (which was built in the early 90s). I have been informed by multiple repairmen that it will probably last forever. Our precarious financial situation has made replacing a working refrigerator just a pipe dream. I have just enough room to store the bounty from Costco and Aldi. I did just do a major purge of the freezer, where I found artifacts predating Doug's birth (he's 6). After clearing a lot of that out, I am happy to report that the only thing in my freezer is meat, onions, dark chocolate and some baby food trays filled with frozen lemon juice.
Every morning at around 11:00 AM, as I am sipping my coffee, I pull out all the relevant ingredients for my salad, chop them up and throw them in my 2.5 cup Rubbermaid bowl. I stick it back in the refrigerator until about 1:45 (or when I am hungry), pull it out, drizzle some salad dressing, put the lid on, shake it up, voila! Salad!
I have been finding that if I do plan well, I only have to actually cook 3-4 nights a week. I tend to only eat one serving of whatever meal I have (plus 1/2 a sweet potato or some couscous) at a meal. This means that even if everyone else eats one serving, there are typically enough for one or two night's worth of leftovers. The chili recipe I found (which is amazing) will last us almost all week. I can only eat a bowl full of it before I am really full.
Ultimately, I want to cook simply but cook food that is full of flavor. I have had some meals flop while others are wildly successful. I made meatballs today and everyone (boys included) were over the moon for them. I don't take it personally if people don't like what I cook. Typically, my chicken dishes have fallen flat, but then that becomes chicken I add to my salads.
We throw out a very, very small amount of food. We have gotten in a good routine with leftovers. I try to cook on nights that are not chock full of activity, so on the nights we are busy we can just pull things out and heat them up.
I don't think I intended to write this much about shopping, but I hope that it helps! I don't feel like it needs to be fancy or expensive--in fact, I think those two things can make the whole thing unsustainable.
Please drop a comment if you have any questions, I'd love to answer them! Thanks for reading!
Wednesday, October 11, 2017
Feelings (What are They Good For?)
It has been a long day. I am looking forward to putting my head on the pillow tonight. I feel like I earned rest today.
I want to try and tackle two things today. The first is feelings. It's a huge topic, I know, but I will narrow the scope to feelings as it pertains to weight loss and lifestyle changes.
I have talked before about how I grew up learning to eat my emotions. I quite excelled at it, actually. I have had periods of time in adulthood where I've done better than others.
I cringe sometimes when I flip through TimeHop and see some of the things I posted about over the years. I have aired a lot of grievances, frustrations and disappointments. I don't think there's anything wrong with that, per se, but I think it speaks to my emotional health at the time. There also seems to be some correlation between how well I was doing emotionally and how successful I was at losing weight.
I have been spending a lot of time recently listening to Brooke Castillo's podcasts. I really enjoy her. She has a lot of wisdom and the way she communicates resonates with me. I find myself nodding along a lot with her as I walk or work in the yard.
One of the repeating themes in her podcasts is that feelings are vibrations. I like this idea because it takes the value out of feelings. They are not inherently good or bad, they just are. Most feelings are temporary and not all feelings can be trusted.
I am fortunate now to have some very close friends who are good at helping me interpret my feelings. In any given day, I can be feeling highly motivated, like a failure or like a dragon momma. It has served me well to go to my friends and have them help me see the truth. I need objective people in my life because I don't perceive reality correctly. I have a warped sense of how things are and it colors everything I do. Some people are better than others at calling bullshit or pushing me to examine things more closely.
So how does this pertain to eating? I'll give an example.
I will confess that I started writing this week's protocol, got sidetracked by Brooklyn and mislaid my notebook. I have an idea in my mind of what I want the week to look like. I have stuck to my general framework and I've not strayed from the paleo-ish diet.
The weather has contributed to a general malaise. I ended up taking a short nap yesterday because I felt sapped. Today, I woke up at 5 AM again and slept fitfully until 7:45, when Bekah informed me that I needed to make lunches for everyone.
I had a choice today, as I do every day. I could have chosen to stay on the couch watching YouTube videos. I could have taken another nap. I could've decided, "hey, it's raining and I can't walk--I'll just eat all the things."
I *felt* crappy. I *felt* discouraged. I *felt* low.
But here's the thing. Those are just feelings. I can choose to feel the vibrations of them and wait for them to pass, or I can allow myself to set up camp in them and let them rule my day.
Today, I chose to keep moving. I cleaned the kitchen. I purged some things from my closet. I tried on some things from my closet. I threw out garbage. I straightened up. I went to Costco to buy more veggies. I made my salad. I baked a batch of homemade bread.
I can tell you, I am sitting here writing this and I'm still feeling a little low, a little discouraged and a little crappy. I don't think that action cures all that ails me. But today, action did prevent me from taking a detour from where I want to go into where I don't want to be.
(As an aside, I need to say that I struggle mightily with depression. That is in a different class and I don't think it should be construed that depression is just a feeling. When I am feeling legitimately depressed, I definitely take the necessary action to correct things.)
For a few weeks, I spent a few minutes every morning reading scripture and doing some other devotional readings. Once school started, it became difficult to fit that in. I used to stay up until the wee hours of the morning; now I'm in bed no later than 11. I decided that it was important that I fit my quiet time into my morning routine. So for the past couple of mornings, I've set my alarm (instead of letting myself wake up naturally around 7:30) and gotten up.
This is also not a cloak of protection against feelings that don't serve me, but it does help me get off on the right foot. I start every morning with prayer and it's a way of giving God the reins for the day and being willing to sit in the backseat. I confess that I grab the reins back several times throughout the day, but I am working hard to keep a constant dialogue with him. It helps me and it serves my family well if I am communing with God before I commune with them.
I guess what I'm trying to say is that stopping overeating or trying to change one's lifestyle is not *just* about changing the food. There is a lot of inside work that has to be done. I don't think what I am trying to do would have long-term success if I wasn't willing to do the hard work of examining my feelings. Ms. Castillo firmly believes that thoughts drive feelings, which turn into action and determine results. If I want to change the trajectory of my life, I have to start on the inside.
(And I know I said "first" earlier. I was intending to talk about how I shop with this new protocol in place. I am sitting here, though, yawning, and realizing that this is enough to talk about for one night. Stay tuned, my next post will definitely be about shopping!)
I want to try and tackle two things today. The first is feelings. It's a huge topic, I know, but I will narrow the scope to feelings as it pertains to weight loss and lifestyle changes.
I have talked before about how I grew up learning to eat my emotions. I quite excelled at it, actually. I have had periods of time in adulthood where I've done better than others.
I cringe sometimes when I flip through TimeHop and see some of the things I posted about over the years. I have aired a lot of grievances, frustrations and disappointments. I don't think there's anything wrong with that, per se, but I think it speaks to my emotional health at the time. There also seems to be some correlation between how well I was doing emotionally and how successful I was at losing weight.
I have been spending a lot of time recently listening to Brooke Castillo's podcasts. I really enjoy her. She has a lot of wisdom and the way she communicates resonates with me. I find myself nodding along a lot with her as I walk or work in the yard.
One of the repeating themes in her podcasts is that feelings are vibrations. I like this idea because it takes the value out of feelings. They are not inherently good or bad, they just are. Most feelings are temporary and not all feelings can be trusted.
I am fortunate now to have some very close friends who are good at helping me interpret my feelings. In any given day, I can be feeling highly motivated, like a failure or like a dragon momma. It has served me well to go to my friends and have them help me see the truth. I need objective people in my life because I don't perceive reality correctly. I have a warped sense of how things are and it colors everything I do. Some people are better than others at calling bullshit or pushing me to examine things more closely.
So how does this pertain to eating? I'll give an example.
I will confess that I started writing this week's protocol, got sidetracked by Brooklyn and mislaid my notebook. I have an idea in my mind of what I want the week to look like. I have stuck to my general framework and I've not strayed from the paleo-ish diet.
The weather has contributed to a general malaise. I ended up taking a short nap yesterday because I felt sapped. Today, I woke up at 5 AM again and slept fitfully until 7:45, when Bekah informed me that I needed to make lunches for everyone.
I had a choice today, as I do every day. I could have chosen to stay on the couch watching YouTube videos. I could have taken another nap. I could've decided, "hey, it's raining and I can't walk--I'll just eat all the things."
I *felt* crappy. I *felt* discouraged. I *felt* low.
But here's the thing. Those are just feelings. I can choose to feel the vibrations of them and wait for them to pass, or I can allow myself to set up camp in them and let them rule my day.
Today, I chose to keep moving. I cleaned the kitchen. I purged some things from my closet. I tried on some things from my closet. I threw out garbage. I straightened up. I went to Costco to buy more veggies. I made my salad. I baked a batch of homemade bread.
I can tell you, I am sitting here writing this and I'm still feeling a little low, a little discouraged and a little crappy. I don't think that action cures all that ails me. But today, action did prevent me from taking a detour from where I want to go into where I don't want to be.
(As an aside, I need to say that I struggle mightily with depression. That is in a different class and I don't think it should be construed that depression is just a feeling. When I am feeling legitimately depressed, I definitely take the necessary action to correct things.)
For a few weeks, I spent a few minutes every morning reading scripture and doing some other devotional readings. Once school started, it became difficult to fit that in. I used to stay up until the wee hours of the morning; now I'm in bed no later than 11. I decided that it was important that I fit my quiet time into my morning routine. So for the past couple of mornings, I've set my alarm (instead of letting myself wake up naturally around 7:30) and gotten up.
This is also not a cloak of protection against feelings that don't serve me, but it does help me get off on the right foot. I start every morning with prayer and it's a way of giving God the reins for the day and being willing to sit in the backseat. I confess that I grab the reins back several times throughout the day, but I am working hard to keep a constant dialogue with him. It helps me and it serves my family well if I am communing with God before I commune with them.
I guess what I'm trying to say is that stopping overeating or trying to change one's lifestyle is not *just* about changing the food. There is a lot of inside work that has to be done. I don't think what I am trying to do would have long-term success if I wasn't willing to do the hard work of examining my feelings. Ms. Castillo firmly believes that thoughts drive feelings, which turn into action and determine results. If I want to change the trajectory of my life, I have to start on the inside.
(And I know I said "first" earlier. I was intending to talk about how I shop with this new protocol in place. I am sitting here, though, yawning, and realizing that this is enough to talk about for one night. Stay tuned, my next post will definitely be about shopping!)
Tuesday, October 10, 2017
A Treatise Against Counting Calories
I know this is going to be polarizing for some people. Let me say up front, this is something that works for me. It is purely an opinion. I have some backing from books I've read, but ultimately this is an opinion I've derived from years of experience. It may or may not work for you, my reader. I am happy to open a dialogue about it. I don't want to derail anyone's progress. If counting calories works for you (meaning you are seeing significant results, either pounds or inches lost), then read this with that frame of reference. If, however, you've been counting calories with pinpoint precision and *not* seeing results, this may be for you.
Once upon a time, my mom told me about Weight Watchers. I joined back in 2004, right around the time they launched their points program.
I had fairly remarkable success. I was able to shed about 80 or so pounds. I did it in about a year. I kept religious records, filling in all of my food journals.
After a while, I kind of knew the deal. I knew what to eat every day *in order to stay within my points.* This is important. I learned great things about portion control and the importance of eating foods high in fiber. I learned how to read a nutrition label. What I didn't learn was what food I should eat to nourish and fuel my body.
I used to go to Jewel and buy Lean Cuisine frozen dinners in bulk. I would eat one for lunch and one for dinner. I knew which ones tasted good and which ones were high in points but low on being filling. I knew I had to drink plenty of water to feel full.
Add to this the points I would "earn" by exercising. Those meant I could eat more, right? I mean, what's the point of killing myself at the gym if I can't reward myself?
Now, at the point that I was in WW, I had cut out white sugar. I think this ultimately contributed to my ability to lose weight. I understood that sugar was harmful to me, but I didn't understand the extent to which it was destroying my body.
So fast forward several years. I have since tried WW again. I joined online and tried to duplicate the results I had previously seen (this time not cutting out white sugar). I struggled, I won't lie. I saw minor fluctuations in my weight, I lost *some* weight, but really the pounds stuck to me like a toddler at the doctor's office.
I have also used MyFitnessPal. I saw about the same amount of success with that as I did with WW. Very small weight loss numbers. (I understand that it's not all about weight loss, but it is a valid measurement for progress and success.)
So here we are now. I've talked about how I'm doing the Paleo-ish diet and doing intermittent fasting.
I have been posting some big numbers as far as weight-loss is concerned. I have not been entering a single food item in MyFitnessPal (or similar apps). I feel like it would take me more time to weigh each individual ingredient in my salad, to measure all of the items I have for dinner, to search through the vast database. I also think it would tempt me to log my exercise in a way that then encourages me to eat the calories I've "earned." I don't want to sit in the app and decide how many pieces of steak I can have because I ran 5 miles today.
What's healthier for me is to serve myself dinner, sit down, use my utensils, chew slowly and drink water. I can tell you, over the past six or so weeks, I've rarely gotten up for seconds. I almost always get up to refill my water, but I hardly ever feel the need to put more food on my plate. What's more, I typically don't finish everything on my plate. So then how would I account for that? Right? I mean, it becomes this whole mental exercise for which I do not have the energy. (I mean, I have four kids, a dog, two guinea pigs and a husband. I'm short on "extra" energy.)
I also don't think all calories are created equal. I aim to eat nutrient-dense foods at both of my meals. I mean, I am going for no fillers, all nutrients. I am eating to fuel my body. If I am counting calories and the app says I have "extra" calories, I don't want that to mess with my head. I don't want to know where I am at with calorie expenditure because ultimately, it doesn't matter.
I also don't track my calories so that I'm not attempted to eat the calories I burn while exercising. I used to exercise on purpose with the intent that I would be able to eat (insert food here). I spent a lot of time hemming and hawing about my perceived exertion level. Was I out of breath? Did I start sweating immediately? Could I hold a conversation? These are all factors that have a bearing on the amount of calories I have actually expended.
There are a lot of great devices to track all of those things, but again, none of them is 100% accurate. I don't believe, then, that it serves me well to add in my exercise calories. I don't think it would help me reach my ultimate goal.
Now, saying all of that, I do keep a food journal. I write down all the things I eat and all of the liquids I consume. I make note of the amount and type of exercise I've done in a day. It's not about micromanaging. It's about awareness. I can examine my journal and see why my weight hasn't changed the way I was hoping it would.
It also works in the other way. I have been working hard to take the "should" out of exercise. I love to walk and run and have been trying to find a reasonable way to fit it into my day. It doesn't serve me to guilt myself about whether or not I was able to make it outside. It's not a positive influence on my psyche to have a workout schedule where there is no room for life not cooperating. I also have tried to let go of how exercise "should" look.
Today, for example, I knew I wanted to walk around 5 miles. I chose 5 because it's a good length of time for me to be outside. I mostly know how to travel throughout my neighborhood and make a loop that fits the mileage I want to hit. We got to about mile 5.25 and Brooklyn was done. She wanted out of her stroller.
In the past, I would have sped up. I wouldn't have let her get out. I would have fought through her whining because I had a workout to get done! I can't walk slowly because then I might not be able to eat (insert food here).
BUT. I have already decided what I'm going to eat today. I wrote it down. I don't have to think about my food at all today, I've already done that. I don't have to be concerned that I'll have too many calories. I don't have to figure out how many pieces of candy I CAN eat because I have X amount of calories left for the day.
It's so simple, but I know it's not easy. Today was an emotional day. Nothing bad happened, I just felt down in the dumps. It would have been easy to make myself a PB&J sandwich and chase it with water (or even milk). But I didn't. I know any negative feelings I have are just feelings and I can deal with them.
Please, if you are reading this and having a panic attack at the thought of just "eyeballing" it, don't worry. I'm not saying you have to let go of the app or anything. I'm just explaining what worked for me.
I need to finish up because I am falling asleep at the keyboard, lol. I hope everyone has a pleasant evning!
Once upon a time, my mom told me about Weight Watchers. I joined back in 2004, right around the time they launched their points program.
I had fairly remarkable success. I was able to shed about 80 or so pounds. I did it in about a year. I kept religious records, filling in all of my food journals.
After a while, I kind of knew the deal. I knew what to eat every day *in order to stay within my points.* This is important. I learned great things about portion control and the importance of eating foods high in fiber. I learned how to read a nutrition label. What I didn't learn was what food I should eat to nourish and fuel my body.
I used to go to Jewel and buy Lean Cuisine frozen dinners in bulk. I would eat one for lunch and one for dinner. I knew which ones tasted good and which ones were high in points but low on being filling. I knew I had to drink plenty of water to feel full.
Add to this the points I would "earn" by exercising. Those meant I could eat more, right? I mean, what's the point of killing myself at the gym if I can't reward myself?
Now, at the point that I was in WW, I had cut out white sugar. I think this ultimately contributed to my ability to lose weight. I understood that sugar was harmful to me, but I didn't understand the extent to which it was destroying my body.
So fast forward several years. I have since tried WW again. I joined online and tried to duplicate the results I had previously seen (this time not cutting out white sugar). I struggled, I won't lie. I saw minor fluctuations in my weight, I lost *some* weight, but really the pounds stuck to me like a toddler at the doctor's office.
I have also used MyFitnessPal. I saw about the same amount of success with that as I did with WW. Very small weight loss numbers. (I understand that it's not all about weight loss, but it is a valid measurement for progress and success.)
So here we are now. I've talked about how I'm doing the Paleo-ish diet and doing intermittent fasting.
I have been posting some big numbers as far as weight-loss is concerned. I have not been entering a single food item in MyFitnessPal (or similar apps). I feel like it would take me more time to weigh each individual ingredient in my salad, to measure all of the items I have for dinner, to search through the vast database. I also think it would tempt me to log my exercise in a way that then encourages me to eat the calories I've "earned." I don't want to sit in the app and decide how many pieces of steak I can have because I ran 5 miles today.
What's healthier for me is to serve myself dinner, sit down, use my utensils, chew slowly and drink water. I can tell you, over the past six or so weeks, I've rarely gotten up for seconds. I almost always get up to refill my water, but I hardly ever feel the need to put more food on my plate. What's more, I typically don't finish everything on my plate. So then how would I account for that? Right? I mean, it becomes this whole mental exercise for which I do not have the energy. (I mean, I have four kids, a dog, two guinea pigs and a husband. I'm short on "extra" energy.)
I also don't think all calories are created equal. I aim to eat nutrient-dense foods at both of my meals. I mean, I am going for no fillers, all nutrients. I am eating to fuel my body. If I am counting calories and the app says I have "extra" calories, I don't want that to mess with my head. I don't want to know where I am at with calorie expenditure because ultimately, it doesn't matter.
I also don't track my calories so that I'm not attempted to eat the calories I burn while exercising. I used to exercise on purpose with the intent that I would be able to eat (insert food here). I spent a lot of time hemming and hawing about my perceived exertion level. Was I out of breath? Did I start sweating immediately? Could I hold a conversation? These are all factors that have a bearing on the amount of calories I have actually expended.
There are a lot of great devices to track all of those things, but again, none of them is 100% accurate. I don't believe, then, that it serves me well to add in my exercise calories. I don't think it would help me reach my ultimate goal.
Now, saying all of that, I do keep a food journal. I write down all the things I eat and all of the liquids I consume. I make note of the amount and type of exercise I've done in a day. It's not about micromanaging. It's about awareness. I can examine my journal and see why my weight hasn't changed the way I was hoping it would.
It also works in the other way. I have been working hard to take the "should" out of exercise. I love to walk and run and have been trying to find a reasonable way to fit it into my day. It doesn't serve me to guilt myself about whether or not I was able to make it outside. It's not a positive influence on my psyche to have a workout schedule where there is no room for life not cooperating. I also have tried to let go of how exercise "should" look.
Today, for example, I knew I wanted to walk around 5 miles. I chose 5 because it's a good length of time for me to be outside. I mostly know how to travel throughout my neighborhood and make a loop that fits the mileage I want to hit. We got to about mile 5.25 and Brooklyn was done. She wanted out of her stroller.
In the past, I would have sped up. I wouldn't have let her get out. I would have fought through her whining because I had a workout to get done! I can't walk slowly because then I might not be able to eat (insert food here).
BUT. I have already decided what I'm going to eat today. I wrote it down. I don't have to think about my food at all today, I've already done that. I don't have to be concerned that I'll have too many calories. I don't have to figure out how many pieces of candy I CAN eat because I have X amount of calories left for the day.
It's so simple, but I know it's not easy. Today was an emotional day. Nothing bad happened, I just felt down in the dumps. It would have been easy to make myself a PB&J sandwich and chase it with water (or even milk). But I didn't. I know any negative feelings I have are just feelings and I can deal with them.
Please, if you are reading this and having a panic attack at the thought of just "eyeballing" it, don't worry. I'm not saying you have to let go of the app or anything. I'm just explaining what worked for me.
I need to finish up because I am falling asleep at the keyboard, lol. I hope everyone has a pleasant evning!
Thursday, October 5, 2017
No Pain, No Gain (Or Loss, as it Turns Out)
I had a sobering and convicting revelation today. I considered going live on Facebook about it, but I was afraid I would cry. I have grown to loathe crying in public. Maybe next time I have an epiphany, I will do a live video.
Let me start at the beginning.
I knew, going into today, that the day would be more stressful in general. I sit for my friends' kids in the morning before school, so I have to get up earlier than I normally do. I am so grateful for the opportunity to help my friend, I don't mind. It just adds a dimension of craziness to the morning. I try to be fully prepared for my own kids to leave for school before I leave to be with them. Again, not a big deal but it's a longer than normal day.
Aside from that, I was awake at 3 AM, 5 AM and then for the day at 6:30. I woke up at 3 to Doug being awake. I used the restroom and then realized he was up playing. This has been an ongoing issue. I know we are heading to having him on medication. I think that will solve a lot of his sleep and focus issues. Meanwhile, though, I have to deal with a 6-year-old who is fully awake at 3 AM and who doesn't see the need to go back to sleep. (More on that later.)
I woke up at 5 AM to Jeremy moaning. He started running a fever yesterday. My suspicion is that he has strep, though one of the more frustrating aspects of his personality is that he can't always tell me what hurts. I do my best to rule out emergency issues, like appendicitis. Beyond that, he never has throat pain when he has strep. He almost always throws up and/or has stomach discomfort. This never makes sense to me, but it's how it manifests for him.
In any case, he needed medication to manage his fever and headache. I did what I could to make him more comfortable, then tried to get more sleep.
I scheduled Brooklyn's well-baby check for today. I didn't think I would have a sick kid here at home or that I wouldn't have slept well the night before. I knew she was going to get her immunizations and flu shot today. I knew that would translate to a fussy, clingy baby. I did my best to mentally prepare.
In the win column, I managed to make it through the entire exam and visit without sweating at all. This is huge, because my pediatrician's office is almost always overheated.
Brooklyn has been a fussy mess all week. She has wanted to be picked up and carried around everywhere. I love my daughter and I try to soak up every moment I can. That being said, it is tough to accomplish anything while hefting around a 27 pound baby. I do my best to distract her and just let her fuss, but it's tough to accomplish anything with a whining, crying 18-month-old following you around all the time.
I knew I wouldn't have time to walk today. In addition to all of these things, I had my counseling appointment today. I screwed up last week and missed my appointment, so I knew I had to get it right this week. The saving grace about the appointment was that I sidestepped having to put Brooklyn down for a nap. It gave me a chance to unplug from her, so to speak, and kind of re-center myself.
The day went kind of downhill in the afternoon. We got a call from Doug's school that he was being uncooperative. They weren't even able to get him on the bus, could we come pick him up. I was not surprised, given his 3 AM activity. I sent Brian to get him.
Meanwhile, Bekah came home and as a natural consequence, lost her iPad privilege today. She was not happy about it (I knew this going into it) and threw a fit. Upon arriving home, Doug threw a tantrum about having lost *his* iPad privilege.
It was really when Brooklyn woke up, though, that my already thin patience started unraveling.
Owing to my protocol and other changes, I don't find it necessary to cook every night. Over the past few weeks, I've found that if I cook on 2-3 nights of the week, the rest of the nights we can eat leftovers and have plenty of food. Tonight was a cooking night. Brooklyn was just a mess. She wanted me to pick her up. So after doing most of the food prep work, I handed the reins over to Brian and sat down to snuggle with Brooklyn. She proceeded to walk over and demand that Brian pick her up. I tried to read her a book, she wasn't interested. She didn't want to play, she didn't want to snuggle, she didn't want to eat Veggie Straws. She just was unhappy.
Doug and Bekah calmed down for the most part and the rest of the evening was not eventful, but the constant fussing and whining really started taking a toll. I finally had enough and took Brooklyn upstairs, only to find that Jeremy was awake (he had dozed off) and needed ibuprofen. So while I should have just grabbed Brooklyn and taken her to bed, I worked on helping him.
By the time I got Brooklyn in her room, I was just done. I was tired, cranky and irritable. I spent some time rocking her and really trying to figure out what was going on.
Here's where I had the epiphany.
I don't drink anymore, by choice. I don't gamble, I don't stay out until all hours. I run, but I can't run in the pitch black.
My point is, I was sitting with all of these *feelings* and I wanted desperately to escape. I wanted to not feel anymore. I wanted to do whatever I could to wriggle free of the discomfort.
And it occurred to me that when God says to have no other idols, he's not just talking about golden calves and false gods. He's talking directly to me as I try to scan through the things that would make me feel instantly better. For me, when I try to short-circuit *feeling,* I am not giving those things over to God. I am saying, "here's how I can 'handle' this--I can (fill in the blank)." Then I won't feel it anymore. But nothing that could fit in that blank is going to help me handle how I feel like God is. He wants to be the one I crave, the one whose company I seek.
Like I said, it was a sobering thought. All of this work I'm doing, writing a protocol and modeling my feelings and not buffering, is leading me to Jesus' feet. Kristin says that life is 50% good, 50% not good. Nothing I have done or will ever do will get me around that fact. It just is the way of life. The goal is not to become some automaton that feels nothing--the goal is to feel things but not be derailed by them. This is really the journey I'm on.
Losing weight is fantastic. There is a measurable benefit for my body if I shed the excess pounds. My body will function more optimally, I will be more comfortable, etc. I can tell you, though, based on my past experience, that *just* losing the weight is never going to be enough. I will arrive at the number I have in my head and may have some satisfaction, but to stay at that number through the tribulations of life will be the real acid test.
Ultimately, what I want is peace. I want to be at peace with God's plan for my life. I want to be at peace with the external forces and trials and disappointments that I feel in life. I don't want to use food or gambling or whatever to stop me from feeling it. I want to be able to move through the discomfort.
I weigh in tomorrow morning. I have had 5 weeks in a row of weight loss. This hasn't happened in I can't even remember how long. Any weight loss I have will be fantastic. The bigger victory for me, though, is that though this week has been tough emotionally, I have not allowed myself to be sidetracked. I have locked arms with Kristin and others, squared my shoulders and continued to trudge along.
I hope those who are reading this article have people with whom to lock arms. It's such a huge part of being on this journey.
Let me start at the beginning.
I knew, going into today, that the day would be more stressful in general. I sit for my friends' kids in the morning before school, so I have to get up earlier than I normally do. I am so grateful for the opportunity to help my friend, I don't mind. It just adds a dimension of craziness to the morning. I try to be fully prepared for my own kids to leave for school before I leave to be with them. Again, not a big deal but it's a longer than normal day.
Aside from that, I was awake at 3 AM, 5 AM and then for the day at 6:30. I woke up at 3 to Doug being awake. I used the restroom and then realized he was up playing. This has been an ongoing issue. I know we are heading to having him on medication. I think that will solve a lot of his sleep and focus issues. Meanwhile, though, I have to deal with a 6-year-old who is fully awake at 3 AM and who doesn't see the need to go back to sleep. (More on that later.)
I woke up at 5 AM to Jeremy moaning. He started running a fever yesterday. My suspicion is that he has strep, though one of the more frustrating aspects of his personality is that he can't always tell me what hurts. I do my best to rule out emergency issues, like appendicitis. Beyond that, he never has throat pain when he has strep. He almost always throws up and/or has stomach discomfort. This never makes sense to me, but it's how it manifests for him.
In any case, he needed medication to manage his fever and headache. I did what I could to make him more comfortable, then tried to get more sleep.
I scheduled Brooklyn's well-baby check for today. I didn't think I would have a sick kid here at home or that I wouldn't have slept well the night before. I knew she was going to get her immunizations and flu shot today. I knew that would translate to a fussy, clingy baby. I did my best to mentally prepare.
In the win column, I managed to make it through the entire exam and visit without sweating at all. This is huge, because my pediatrician's office is almost always overheated.
Brooklyn has been a fussy mess all week. She has wanted to be picked up and carried around everywhere. I love my daughter and I try to soak up every moment I can. That being said, it is tough to accomplish anything while hefting around a 27 pound baby. I do my best to distract her and just let her fuss, but it's tough to accomplish anything with a whining, crying 18-month-old following you around all the time.
I knew I wouldn't have time to walk today. In addition to all of these things, I had my counseling appointment today. I screwed up last week and missed my appointment, so I knew I had to get it right this week. The saving grace about the appointment was that I sidestepped having to put Brooklyn down for a nap. It gave me a chance to unplug from her, so to speak, and kind of re-center myself.
The day went kind of downhill in the afternoon. We got a call from Doug's school that he was being uncooperative. They weren't even able to get him on the bus, could we come pick him up. I was not surprised, given his 3 AM activity. I sent Brian to get him.
Meanwhile, Bekah came home and as a natural consequence, lost her iPad privilege today. She was not happy about it (I knew this going into it) and threw a fit. Upon arriving home, Doug threw a tantrum about having lost *his* iPad privilege.
It was really when Brooklyn woke up, though, that my already thin patience started unraveling.
Owing to my protocol and other changes, I don't find it necessary to cook every night. Over the past few weeks, I've found that if I cook on 2-3 nights of the week, the rest of the nights we can eat leftovers and have plenty of food. Tonight was a cooking night. Brooklyn was just a mess. She wanted me to pick her up. So after doing most of the food prep work, I handed the reins over to Brian and sat down to snuggle with Brooklyn. She proceeded to walk over and demand that Brian pick her up. I tried to read her a book, she wasn't interested. She didn't want to play, she didn't want to snuggle, she didn't want to eat Veggie Straws. She just was unhappy.
Doug and Bekah calmed down for the most part and the rest of the evening was not eventful, but the constant fussing and whining really started taking a toll. I finally had enough and took Brooklyn upstairs, only to find that Jeremy was awake (he had dozed off) and needed ibuprofen. So while I should have just grabbed Brooklyn and taken her to bed, I worked on helping him.
By the time I got Brooklyn in her room, I was just done. I was tired, cranky and irritable. I spent some time rocking her and really trying to figure out what was going on.
Here's where I had the epiphany.
I don't drink anymore, by choice. I don't gamble, I don't stay out until all hours. I run, but I can't run in the pitch black.
My point is, I was sitting with all of these *feelings* and I wanted desperately to escape. I wanted to not feel anymore. I wanted to do whatever I could to wriggle free of the discomfort.
And it occurred to me that when God says to have no other idols, he's not just talking about golden calves and false gods. He's talking directly to me as I try to scan through the things that would make me feel instantly better. For me, when I try to short-circuit *feeling,* I am not giving those things over to God. I am saying, "here's how I can 'handle' this--I can (fill in the blank)." Then I won't feel it anymore. But nothing that could fit in that blank is going to help me handle how I feel like God is. He wants to be the one I crave, the one whose company I seek.
Like I said, it was a sobering thought. All of this work I'm doing, writing a protocol and modeling my feelings and not buffering, is leading me to Jesus' feet. Kristin says that life is 50% good, 50% not good. Nothing I have done or will ever do will get me around that fact. It just is the way of life. The goal is not to become some automaton that feels nothing--the goal is to feel things but not be derailed by them. This is really the journey I'm on.
Losing weight is fantastic. There is a measurable benefit for my body if I shed the excess pounds. My body will function more optimally, I will be more comfortable, etc. I can tell you, though, based on my past experience, that *just* losing the weight is never going to be enough. I will arrive at the number I have in my head and may have some satisfaction, but to stay at that number through the tribulations of life will be the real acid test.
Ultimately, what I want is peace. I want to be at peace with God's plan for my life. I want to be at peace with the external forces and trials and disappointments that I feel in life. I don't want to use food or gambling or whatever to stop me from feeling it. I want to be able to move through the discomfort.
I weigh in tomorrow morning. I have had 5 weeks in a row of weight loss. This hasn't happened in I can't even remember how long. Any weight loss I have will be fantastic. The bigger victory for me, though, is that though this week has been tough emotionally, I have not allowed myself to be sidetracked. I have locked arms with Kristin and others, squared my shoulders and continued to trudge along.
I hope those who are reading this article have people with whom to lock arms. It's such a huge part of being on this journey.
Wednesday, October 4, 2017
Growing Pains
Today has been a rollercoaster of a day for me. I don't know that I woke up thinking I would get all the things done, but I had a couple of things I really wanted to do.
One of the hardest things about being a mom is having to change horses midstream. The level of activity I can or can't have is dictated by Brooklyn. Today, for example, she was clingy and whiny and clumsy. She wanted me to carry her everywhere. She wouldn't be redirected and wouldn't take no for an answer.
I have tried to roll with the punches, but there are some days when I am not feeling it. Today was that day. I wasn't expecting to clean the house from top to bottom, but I also didn't want to sit around all day looking at a mess.
Meanwhile, I am still learning and growing every single day. This does not come without some pain. I have been working very hard at stepping out of my comfort zone. God doesn't want me to be comfortable. He never promises me a life free from pain (emotional, physical, or mental).
I am working hard at being humble, which is to say I am seeking guidance and wisdom from Godly women and then asking God for the strength to put that into action in my life. I don't always like people's suggestions. I think about what Brooke Castillo says, that our brain likes to seek pleasure, avoid pain and be efficient (which is to say do nothing). I am fighting strong biology when I try to become more Christlike.
I am also still vulnerable to all-or-nothing thinking. After listening to the whining and complaining for the better part of the morning, a friend suggested that I take Brooklyn for a walk. I knew at that point in the morning, my normal 5 miles would screw up my schedule. I decided to take Scout and do two miles. The way it sounded in my brain, though, was "*just* two miles? really? okay, slacker."
Yeah, so I definitely am not 100% well. I probably ate about 5 bites too many at dinner and though that is far less than I used to eat, I still had to endure mental finger wagging from my inner voice.
All this being said, I feel very fulfilled today. I had one person ask me to be their accountability partner. I feel like that's high praise. I had another I was able to bless in a very tangible way. I don't say these things to toot my own horn, but rather to demonstrate what can happen when I live a life that is others-focused.
I love to encourage people, but I have also been bowled over by the amount of love, support and encouragement I have received. It is incredibly humbling to have people showering me with compliments. I am grateful that God has helped me have a glimpse of the person he's molding me into. Armed with that knowledge, I am able to graciously accept the compliments but pass the glory on to God.
And to the friend who sent me a picture of the ocean today, it was such a small thing but it was so amazing for me. A friend had traveled to L.A. and I texted her to ask her if she would send me a picture of the ocean. She happily obliged and though I felt silly for making the request, I am glad I did.
One of the hardest things about being a mom is having to change horses midstream. The level of activity I can or can't have is dictated by Brooklyn. Today, for example, she was clingy and whiny and clumsy. She wanted me to carry her everywhere. She wouldn't be redirected and wouldn't take no for an answer.
I have tried to roll with the punches, but there are some days when I am not feeling it. Today was that day. I wasn't expecting to clean the house from top to bottom, but I also didn't want to sit around all day looking at a mess.
Meanwhile, I am still learning and growing every single day. This does not come without some pain. I have been working very hard at stepping out of my comfort zone. God doesn't want me to be comfortable. He never promises me a life free from pain (emotional, physical, or mental).
I am working hard at being humble, which is to say I am seeking guidance and wisdom from Godly women and then asking God for the strength to put that into action in my life. I don't always like people's suggestions. I think about what Brooke Castillo says, that our brain likes to seek pleasure, avoid pain and be efficient (which is to say do nothing). I am fighting strong biology when I try to become more Christlike.
I am also still vulnerable to all-or-nothing thinking. After listening to the whining and complaining for the better part of the morning, a friend suggested that I take Brooklyn for a walk. I knew at that point in the morning, my normal 5 miles would screw up my schedule. I decided to take Scout and do two miles. The way it sounded in my brain, though, was "*just* two miles? really? okay, slacker."
Yeah, so I definitely am not 100% well. I probably ate about 5 bites too many at dinner and though that is far less than I used to eat, I still had to endure mental finger wagging from my inner voice.
All this being said, I feel very fulfilled today. I had one person ask me to be their accountability partner. I feel like that's high praise. I had another I was able to bless in a very tangible way. I don't say these things to toot my own horn, but rather to demonstrate what can happen when I live a life that is others-focused.
I love to encourage people, but I have also been bowled over by the amount of love, support and encouragement I have received. It is incredibly humbling to have people showering me with compliments. I am grateful that God has helped me have a glimpse of the person he's molding me into. Armed with that knowledge, I am able to graciously accept the compliments but pass the glory on to God.
And to the friend who sent me a picture of the ocean today, it was such a small thing but it was so amazing for me. A friend had traveled to L.A. and I texted her to ask her if she would send me a picture of the ocean. She happily obliged and though I felt silly for making the request, I am glad I did.
Tuesday, October 3, 2017
An FAQ for Y-O-U
I keep thinking that I want to write about Rascal, but I am not yet ready to do it. I will, before too much time gets away from me, sit down and write a tribute to him. His crate is still up in our dining room. I find myself swept away with grief in the most random moments. The weather has helped because I can be outside. I took Scout for a walk around the block last night and it felt bizarre to just have one dog with me.
I am continuing to have amazing success with my new way of doing things. I thought I would address a couple of questions that people have asked me.
Q: "Are you hungry?"
A: The short answer is no. The longer answer is that I do have days where I am more hungry than others. I write my protocol out for the week on Saturday. I even plan my evenings--some nights I have tea, on a couple of nights I have one serving of dark chocolate. I have been taking regular walks, sometimes up to 5 miles. On those days, I find I will eat almost my entire salad at lunch. Other days, when I'm less active, I get about halfway into it and lose interest.
I have changed the manner in which I eat. I still mostly eat in front of the TV (not the best, but it is what it is for now), but I eat much, much more slowly. I set my fork down between bites. I have a 32 ounce water bottle and I will drink one full water bottle, set my dinner down, go refill it, come back and keep eating. I typically go through two full bottles of water during a meal. If I have finished my plate of food, I sit for a minute or two before I get up for seconds. I typically find that waiting even a few minutes enables my brain to receive the signal that I'm full.
Q: "Is this sustainable?"
A: Yes, *because I am not hungry all the time.* I am eating foods that are incredibly nutrient dense--chickpeas, avocado, eggs, chicken, cheese, tomatoes, etc. There are no "filler" foods or starchy side dishes. The food I am choosing to eat is food that my body can use efficiently. I don't grab a protein bar and then stare at the clock until mealtime. I have trained my body that there are specific times during the day when I eat. If it's not the right time, I drink water or coffee (I have that written on my protocol) and start prepping my salad or meal for the evening.
It's also sustainable because I am making a plan. This helps me be prepared. I'm not arriving at 3 PM worried about what's for dinner. I've already decided what's for dinner, I have all the ingredients, the meat is thawed (or thawing), etc. I am not having to put extra brain power into it. As a byproduct, I have freed up a ton of time and energy! I am able to roll with the punches.
Q: "Do you count calories?"
A: Nope, not even a little bit. I am not worried about caloric intake because again, I am eating foods that are very dense nutritionally. I am only eating until I am full and I am only eating during the hours I've prescribed myself. For me, focusing on the calories would be counterproductive. I don't have time to calculate how many calories are in my salad or in my portions for dinner. I don't sweat it, though, because I know I'm not eating past the point where I *start* to feel full.
Q: "Are you allowed to eat _____?"
A: Listen. I am a grown adult. I am allowed to eat anything within reason. It's not about whether I am being given permission. Kristin made some suggestions for me and I chose to follow them. I evaluate what I eat with the question--'does this food serve me well?' If the answer is no, then it doesn't go into my body. I don't think it does me any good to think of food as being forbidden. Mentally, the minute I think of something as forbidden, it becomes a mental obsession for me. I can't think about anything else. I have the dark chocolate because I can eat one serving and it doesn't trigger anything in my mind that wants me to eat more. There may come a time, though, when eating a single serving of dark chocolate may not serve me. I have decided that if I've written it into my protocol and I'm having a rough day, I will skip it. My goal is not to use food as a buffer. Food is fuel for my body, it should not be used to celebrate, drown my sorrows, etc.
Look, I know the way I'm doing things is not for everyone. I keep thinking of Oprah in the Weight Watchers commercial saying, "I love bread." I recently read in a NY Times article that before Oprah became their spokesperson, the company had been in a bit of a tailspin. They had not seen their typical trend, which is that after the first of the year there is a sharp increase in enrollment. I have done Weight Watchers before and had success on the scale, but I don't think I was making the best choices for myself.
For me, I had to start healing my gut first. I don't think I would be able to dismiss a tray full of sweets if my gut was a mess. There's a lot of emerging science about the brain/gut health connection. It seems to be working for me. The combination of new eating habits and my Plexus products has me down about 25 pounds in a month.
I am continuing to have amazing success with my new way of doing things. I thought I would address a couple of questions that people have asked me.
Q: "Are you hungry?"
A: The short answer is no. The longer answer is that I do have days where I am more hungry than others. I write my protocol out for the week on Saturday. I even plan my evenings--some nights I have tea, on a couple of nights I have one serving of dark chocolate. I have been taking regular walks, sometimes up to 5 miles. On those days, I find I will eat almost my entire salad at lunch. Other days, when I'm less active, I get about halfway into it and lose interest.
I have changed the manner in which I eat. I still mostly eat in front of the TV (not the best, but it is what it is for now), but I eat much, much more slowly. I set my fork down between bites. I have a 32 ounce water bottle and I will drink one full water bottle, set my dinner down, go refill it, come back and keep eating. I typically go through two full bottles of water during a meal. If I have finished my plate of food, I sit for a minute or two before I get up for seconds. I typically find that waiting even a few minutes enables my brain to receive the signal that I'm full.
Q: "Is this sustainable?"
A: Yes, *because I am not hungry all the time.* I am eating foods that are incredibly nutrient dense--chickpeas, avocado, eggs, chicken, cheese, tomatoes, etc. There are no "filler" foods or starchy side dishes. The food I am choosing to eat is food that my body can use efficiently. I don't grab a protein bar and then stare at the clock until mealtime. I have trained my body that there are specific times during the day when I eat. If it's not the right time, I drink water or coffee (I have that written on my protocol) and start prepping my salad or meal for the evening.
It's also sustainable because I am making a plan. This helps me be prepared. I'm not arriving at 3 PM worried about what's for dinner. I've already decided what's for dinner, I have all the ingredients, the meat is thawed (or thawing), etc. I am not having to put extra brain power into it. As a byproduct, I have freed up a ton of time and energy! I am able to roll with the punches.
Q: "Do you count calories?"
A: Nope, not even a little bit. I am not worried about caloric intake because again, I am eating foods that are very dense nutritionally. I am only eating until I am full and I am only eating during the hours I've prescribed myself. For me, focusing on the calories would be counterproductive. I don't have time to calculate how many calories are in my salad or in my portions for dinner. I don't sweat it, though, because I know I'm not eating past the point where I *start* to feel full.
Q: "Are you allowed to eat _____?"
A: Listen. I am a grown adult. I am allowed to eat anything within reason. It's not about whether I am being given permission. Kristin made some suggestions for me and I chose to follow them. I evaluate what I eat with the question--'does this food serve me well?' If the answer is no, then it doesn't go into my body. I don't think it does me any good to think of food as being forbidden. Mentally, the minute I think of something as forbidden, it becomes a mental obsession for me. I can't think about anything else. I have the dark chocolate because I can eat one serving and it doesn't trigger anything in my mind that wants me to eat more. There may come a time, though, when eating a single serving of dark chocolate may not serve me. I have decided that if I've written it into my protocol and I'm having a rough day, I will skip it. My goal is not to use food as a buffer. Food is fuel for my body, it should not be used to celebrate, drown my sorrows, etc.
Look, I know the way I'm doing things is not for everyone. I keep thinking of Oprah in the Weight Watchers commercial saying, "I love bread." I recently read in a NY Times article that before Oprah became their spokesperson, the company had been in a bit of a tailspin. They had not seen their typical trend, which is that after the first of the year there is a sharp increase in enrollment. I have done Weight Watchers before and had success on the scale, but I don't think I was making the best choices for myself.
For me, I had to start healing my gut first. I don't think I would be able to dismiss a tray full of sweets if my gut was a mess. There's a lot of emerging science about the brain/gut health connection. It seems to be working for me. The combination of new eating habits and my Plexus products has me down about 25 pounds in a month.
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)