It is so cold today. Since losing some weight, I am cold a LOT. Fall is definitely here and it's probably my favorite season, but good lord, I'm freezing.
Brian is in Kenosha and Brooklyn is sleeping, so I am taking advantage of having his computer available to write a little earlier in the day than I normally would.
I listened to/watched a fascinating webinar by Bob Heilig on Saturday. He had a lot of good things to say. The one idea he discussed was about fear.
Fear and I are well-acquainted. It's been a long-term friendship, albeit a toxic one that has stunted my growth in some ways.
Bob talked about rational fear and irrational fear. Rational fear is what happens when you're in an airplane and someone is trying to push you out without a parachute. Your brain is telling you, rightly so, that you are going to die.
Irrational fear is fear that tells you you're going to die when faced with a situation that isn't life-threatening.
For example, whenever I sit down to write a blog post, my brain starts telling me, "no one wants to read what you have to say! No one is interested! Didn't you see the stats from yesterday? People aren't interested."
It can be a very palpable thing, something I absolutely feel in my chest and the pit of my stomach.
I have a choice, though, about how I'm going to handle the fear.
My first choice is to let it rule my life. I can hire it as my life's manager and allow it to make all of my decisions. Any time I'm at a crossroads, I can consult with my fear and see how it feels I should proceed. The outcome from living this way will not be good. It can rob me of rich life experiences, it can rob me of joy and it can cut me off from God.
The other choice, then, is to let faith rule my life. Faith is the opposite of fear. Having faith doesn't mean I'm an automaton. It means, quite simply, that I'm not going to let fear make my decisions. Rather, I'm going to invite God into my decision-making process. I'm going to consult with women and men who are wiser than I, who have walked my path (or a similar path) before. I'm going to ask them how they feel about the choices in front of me.
A life that is lived with faith making the decisions is a rich one. It is not always easy. It doesn't mean that I won't be rejected, that people won't choose to leave me, or that every day will be sunshine and rainbows. In my mind, this life has more peace in it because I am not fighting against God. I am trying, on a daily basis, to be a better version of myself.
Bob also talked about walking toward your fears, especially as they relate to your gifts. I firmly believe that God has given me a talent with my writing. It's a gift. I'm not bragging or being egotistical. I enjoy writing, I feel I excel at it and what I say can resonate with people.
It's really no surprise, then, that fear would attack me as I'm sitting down to write something. So Bob says I have to walk toward the fear. Sometimes, this is easier said than done.
Case in point, I had the opportunity to hang out with some women last night. I am an extrovert by nature, so normally this would have been a no-brainer. However, I didn't know these particular women very well. I love to meet new people, but I can get in my head about things in no time flat. So I made the decision to go, but I was very apprehensive. I figured if worse came to worse, I could feign an emergency with the kids and bail. Not the best solution, but it's where I was at.
When I arrived at my friend's house, I tried to settle in. I didn't feel like I immediately fit well into any of the conversations. I had brought my dinner with me, so I sat quietly and ate as everyone else arrived. One of the women was going to lead a meditation. I didn't know what to expect about that, either, but I've been trying hard to incorporate meditation into my daily routine.
By the end of my time there, I not only felt more comfortable but am even more excited to get to hang with these women again in a couple of weeks! That's not to say I'm best friends with anyone there, but it also means that the right decision was to step out of my comfort zone.
When those things happen, when I step out of my comfort zone and am rewarded (even if it's just a small reward), it makes me more willing to step out of my comfort zone again. There is a quote by Roy T. Bennett that says, "you never change your life until you step out of your comfort zone; change begins at the end of your comfort zone."
I can tell you, the radical changes I've made in the way I eat and in what I eat have not always been comfortable. I have been stepping out of my comfort zone in my business life. This is not comfortable. I would much rather just play mindless games on my phone. I would rather just eat the things I've always eaten and done the things I've always done.
The problem is that staying in the comfort means I'm staying in a place that isn't serving me. When I eat all the things and play games obsessively, I end up weighing close to 300 pounds, with Type II Diabetes, high blood pressure, high cholesterol and a bevy of other health issues.
The place I'm at now, where I'm headed toward a healthier weight and lifestyle, where I'm trying to grow my business and help more people, is serving me very well. I am off of several prescriptions, I sleep well, my clothes fit me better, I have more energy, I am much better company than I once was.
If the admission to that place, the one I'm currently occupying, is to walk through fear, then sign me up. I might still be timid and I might not gallop blindly into it, but I am ready to go. I am tired of living a small life, one with more problems than solutions. I don't expect sunshine and rainbows every day but only because that's just not realistic. Rainbows only happen after it rains. Instead of complaining about that, I'll just start carrying an umbrella.
Monday, October 23, 2017
Wednesday, October 18, 2017
Happy Exercise
I am exhausted but determined to write something tonight.
It was a long day and I started off feeling very discouraged about the state of my house. After some list-making and prayer, I got to work. I am so close to being done with laundry, yay! And I managed to do a bunch of other things that had been bugging me.
I've been wanting to talk a little bit more in detail about exercise. I feel like I touched on it in another post, but I have a few more things to say about it.
I grew up being very active. I swam on a team from the age of 6 through high school. I played soccer and softball as well. I enjoyed running around, riding my bike, playing volleyball, etc.
I was always the girl in gym who tried a little too hard. I ended up sweaty and smelly while the other girls stood around, afraid to break their nails.
Once I hit college, though, something shifted. I loathed running and wanted to swim. Without a formal team around me and a coach in front of me, though, I couldn't get myself to focus and complete a regular workout consistently.
I would walk some and I remember doing a Cindy Crawford workout with my friend Chante in her dorm room, but nothing really clicked.
Twelve or so years ago, when I first started trying to lose weight, I started small. I aimed to walk 30 minutes a day. I walked in all kinds of weather. I walked in all kinds of different places. I didn't have a heart rate monitor or GPS or anything. I just made it a daily habit to walk.
At the time, I was smoking a pack and a half of cigarettes. I knew I needed to quit, so I started taking Zyban. About six months before that, I found a Couch to 5K program online and started following it on the treadmill at the gym. I got a watch and was able to run around the track inside the gym.
My first 5K was at Northwestern in November of 2002. It was a cold day and I didn't run fast, but I did run the whole thing.
My first half marathon was in 2003, the North Shore Half Marathon in Highland Park. Everyone had failed to mention that Highland Park was built on a ravine. I couldn't walk for two days. It was brutal.
From there, I decided to tackle the marathon. I ran the Chicago Marathon for the first time in 2004. Keep in mind, I had no kids and my (then) boyfriend was working a full-time and part-time job. I had a lot of free time and very few responsibilities. I was able to take my time getting the long runs done and then had ample time for recovery.
I took most of 2005 off because we got married that year and Brian made me promise I wouldn't do any big races that year. I was the thinnest I've been in adulthood when I got married. I got down to about 178, as I recall.
Again, keep in mind I had no kids and no real responsibilities. I was eating food laden with preservatives and following the letter but not the spirit of the WW program.
In 2006 I made a fatal error and tried to train for two full marathons. By the time I ran the Chicago Marathon that fall, I was burnt out. I didn't want to run anymore. We still had a gym membership, but I had started working retail. Those hours are not conducive to a healthy schedule. I started to put the weight back on.
While I was pregnant with Jeremy (our oldest), I hardly exercised. I was working on my feet all day and was so exhausted that the thought of working out was too much.
I did not have gestational diabetes with Jeremy, but I put on a lot of weight during that pregnancy. After he was born, I still couldn't manage to get to the gym a lot. We got pregnant with Bekah pretty quickly and I did end up developing gestational diabetes during that pregnancy (and with my subsequent pregnancies).
I have to say, it was tough to reboot my workouts after Bekah was born. There was a part of me that was kind of humiliated that I let myself go. Plus, in my mind, I was a marathon runner. How could I start all over again?
Meanwhile, I was trying to track my calories and/or points, depending on what point in time it was. For a while I had the WW fitness tracker. I got pretty active (and obsessive about how many points I had earned), but I ate all the points I could.
Before getting pregnant with Brooklyn, I rediscovered my love of running. I decided to run a half marathon with Team World Vision. I had a lot of fun doing it, but then I had three kids and my recovery time was usually nil.
Due to complications, I was not able to work out very much (if at all) while pregnant with Brooklyn. I wish I could say I tried to eat well, but I wanted comfort and chose to seek it in the bottom of cookie boxes.
My point to all of this is, I have spent a lot of time exercising as a way of losing weight. I am always interested in how many calories I've burned. I'm trying to burn and expend more calories than I eat. It becomes a very legalistic, measured thing. If I don't exercise, I hate myself. I feel like crap. It darkens the mood of the whole day.
So when Kristin told me exercise should be a stress-reliever, not a stressor, my mind was blown. I decided to find a level of exercise that fit into my day, that didn't exhaust me but did help me feel good. In June I walked an obscene amount of miles as a way of kick-starting things. It was hard to see the mileage drop in July, but now I feel like I've found the level that works for me.
I aim to walk 3 miles a day, 2-3 days a week. On the weekend, as time allows, I take Scout on a leisurely walk. I don't even start my Nike Run Club app. We just go for a walk and I let her stop and smell everything she wants. I don't stress that I'm not walking fast enough or far enough or whatever. I just walk. I look around. I pray. I say hello to people.
I have just added in some strength training. I use the Gorilla app. I started at the beginner level (which hurts my ego but is honest). I paid $9.99 to unlock all the workouts. I have started at the beginning of the fundamental challenge. I try not to think about how far along I was working for a year and a half with the best trainer ever. I am finding it takes me about 10 minutes to get through a workout. 10 minutes is manageable for me. Will my body be shredded in 20 workouts? Probably not, but I know building lean muscle is a good thing. I know I feel better when I am doing some strength training. So even today, when the day had gotten long in the tooth, I sucked it up and got it done.
It is humbling to walk for 3 miles when just two years ago, I ran 13.1. My brain still likes to sneer at my current effort. And that's fine, I try to manage my own expectations.
The thing is, it's so FREEING to not be putting crappy food in my body and then forcing myself to workout for an hour and a half to work off the crappy food. I am putting so much nutrient-dense food in my body that I don't feel obligated to workout. I workout because I actually enjoy it. I workout because I feel better when I work out.
Bottom line, if the exercise doesn't serve me, I toss it aside. I have spent a lot of time wasting energy trying to exercise the "right" way for the "right" amount of time. It's not gotten me anywhere in the long run. I feel like I'm much better off walking (and yes, eventually running) in a way that doesn't feel like punishment.
It was a long day and I started off feeling very discouraged about the state of my house. After some list-making and prayer, I got to work. I am so close to being done with laundry, yay! And I managed to do a bunch of other things that had been bugging me.
I've been wanting to talk a little bit more in detail about exercise. I feel like I touched on it in another post, but I have a few more things to say about it.
I grew up being very active. I swam on a team from the age of 6 through high school. I played soccer and softball as well. I enjoyed running around, riding my bike, playing volleyball, etc.
I was always the girl in gym who tried a little too hard. I ended up sweaty and smelly while the other girls stood around, afraid to break their nails.
Once I hit college, though, something shifted. I loathed running and wanted to swim. Without a formal team around me and a coach in front of me, though, I couldn't get myself to focus and complete a regular workout consistently.
I would walk some and I remember doing a Cindy Crawford workout with my friend Chante in her dorm room, but nothing really clicked.
Twelve or so years ago, when I first started trying to lose weight, I started small. I aimed to walk 30 minutes a day. I walked in all kinds of weather. I walked in all kinds of different places. I didn't have a heart rate monitor or GPS or anything. I just made it a daily habit to walk.
At the time, I was smoking a pack and a half of cigarettes. I knew I needed to quit, so I started taking Zyban. About six months before that, I found a Couch to 5K program online and started following it on the treadmill at the gym. I got a watch and was able to run around the track inside the gym.
My first 5K was at Northwestern in November of 2002. It was a cold day and I didn't run fast, but I did run the whole thing.
My first half marathon was in 2003, the North Shore Half Marathon in Highland Park. Everyone had failed to mention that Highland Park was built on a ravine. I couldn't walk for two days. It was brutal.
From there, I decided to tackle the marathon. I ran the Chicago Marathon for the first time in 2004. Keep in mind, I had no kids and my (then) boyfriend was working a full-time and part-time job. I had a lot of free time and very few responsibilities. I was able to take my time getting the long runs done and then had ample time for recovery.
I took most of 2005 off because we got married that year and Brian made me promise I wouldn't do any big races that year. I was the thinnest I've been in adulthood when I got married. I got down to about 178, as I recall.
Again, keep in mind I had no kids and no real responsibilities. I was eating food laden with preservatives and following the letter but not the spirit of the WW program.
In 2006 I made a fatal error and tried to train for two full marathons. By the time I ran the Chicago Marathon that fall, I was burnt out. I didn't want to run anymore. We still had a gym membership, but I had started working retail. Those hours are not conducive to a healthy schedule. I started to put the weight back on.
While I was pregnant with Jeremy (our oldest), I hardly exercised. I was working on my feet all day and was so exhausted that the thought of working out was too much.
I did not have gestational diabetes with Jeremy, but I put on a lot of weight during that pregnancy. After he was born, I still couldn't manage to get to the gym a lot. We got pregnant with Bekah pretty quickly and I did end up developing gestational diabetes during that pregnancy (and with my subsequent pregnancies).
I have to say, it was tough to reboot my workouts after Bekah was born. There was a part of me that was kind of humiliated that I let myself go. Plus, in my mind, I was a marathon runner. How could I start all over again?
Meanwhile, I was trying to track my calories and/or points, depending on what point in time it was. For a while I had the WW fitness tracker. I got pretty active (and obsessive about how many points I had earned), but I ate all the points I could.
Before getting pregnant with Brooklyn, I rediscovered my love of running. I decided to run a half marathon with Team World Vision. I had a lot of fun doing it, but then I had three kids and my recovery time was usually nil.
Due to complications, I was not able to work out very much (if at all) while pregnant with Brooklyn. I wish I could say I tried to eat well, but I wanted comfort and chose to seek it in the bottom of cookie boxes.
My point to all of this is, I have spent a lot of time exercising as a way of losing weight. I am always interested in how many calories I've burned. I'm trying to burn and expend more calories than I eat. It becomes a very legalistic, measured thing. If I don't exercise, I hate myself. I feel like crap. It darkens the mood of the whole day.
So when Kristin told me exercise should be a stress-reliever, not a stressor, my mind was blown. I decided to find a level of exercise that fit into my day, that didn't exhaust me but did help me feel good. In June I walked an obscene amount of miles as a way of kick-starting things. It was hard to see the mileage drop in July, but now I feel like I've found the level that works for me.
I aim to walk 3 miles a day, 2-3 days a week. On the weekend, as time allows, I take Scout on a leisurely walk. I don't even start my Nike Run Club app. We just go for a walk and I let her stop and smell everything she wants. I don't stress that I'm not walking fast enough or far enough or whatever. I just walk. I look around. I pray. I say hello to people.
I have just added in some strength training. I use the Gorilla app. I started at the beginner level (which hurts my ego but is honest). I paid $9.99 to unlock all the workouts. I have started at the beginning of the fundamental challenge. I try not to think about how far along I was working for a year and a half with the best trainer ever. I am finding it takes me about 10 minutes to get through a workout. 10 minutes is manageable for me. Will my body be shredded in 20 workouts? Probably not, but I know building lean muscle is a good thing. I know I feel better when I am doing some strength training. So even today, when the day had gotten long in the tooth, I sucked it up and got it done.
It is humbling to walk for 3 miles when just two years ago, I ran 13.1. My brain still likes to sneer at my current effort. And that's fine, I try to manage my own expectations.
The thing is, it's so FREEING to not be putting crappy food in my body and then forcing myself to workout for an hour and a half to work off the crappy food. I am putting so much nutrient-dense food in my body that I don't feel obligated to workout. I workout because I actually enjoy it. I workout because I feel better when I work out.
Bottom line, if the exercise doesn't serve me, I toss it aside. I have spent a lot of time wasting energy trying to exercise the "right" way for the "right" amount of time. It's not gotten me anywhere in the long run. I feel like I'm much better off walking (and yes, eventually running) in a way that doesn't feel like punishment.
Sunday, October 15, 2017
...but I get up again....
This weekend has been a whirlwind of activity. Yesterday was a busy day from sunup to sundown.
I started my Saturday morning in the usual way, then headed home to grab a very short nap, pick Doug up from his Saturday class and get some coffee.
I love Starbucks. I think it's an excellent company that treats its employees well and has a positive impact on the communities it serves.
I was having an issue, though. Up to about six weeks ago, I would buy iced coffee, accumulate reward stars and have a Frappucino as a reward. The problem now is that I have cut sugar out of my diet. There is so much sugar in a Frappucino! I know it won't serve me well to have one, even if it's just one a month.
So instead, I have started frequenting a coffee shop in Crystal Lake called Conscious Cup. I have started to enjoy the flavor of the coffee (versus the flavor of the creamer). Drinking one cup of full-flavored coffee versus half a pot of crappy coffee. I also stopped buying the big containers of flavored creamer. Coscto sells a box of single-serving French Vanilla creamer. There are 180 in the box. I use one of those and then two tablespoons of whole milk (the only milk we drink) per cup of coffee (keeping in mind that the mug I use is larger than a standard coffee mug.
After coffee on Saturday, I came home, put Brooklyn down for her nap and got ready for my haircut and style. I had a gala to attend that is a fundraiser for my daughter's dance company.
Shockingly, I'm not typically a gala person. I didn't attend last year, so we made sure I was able to attend this year. I am hoping to have Brian attend with me next year.
I had some anxiety going into the evening. I am an extrovert, but it's easier for me to walk into a huge room of strangers when I have a wingperson. As it turns out, one of the other moms brought her parents and her mother-in-law. I hit it off with them and we had a really lovely evening.
Meanwhile, I had posted some pictures on FB asking for people's opinion about what dress I should wear. The one option definitely screamed gala, but it was a little snug. Hesitantly, I tried it on yesterday and discovered that it fit me perfectly.
I felt silly having people take my picture, but I opted for a couple of shots because it's so seldom that I look so nice.
I had some major victories while at the gala. I stayed away from any kind of bread, be it the dinner rolls or melba toast in the appetizers. I turned down the dessert tray and gave away my truffles.
And you know what? It wasn't even a thing. Aside from needing more water (I could have gone for a carafe of it being on the table), I felt no jealousy about others eating desserts or enjoying their potatoes. For me, the desserts were not so much off limits to me (which means I'm fighting against the urge to eat them--this will eventually lead to me caving in to them) as they didn't serve me (this gives no value to the food, it's neither good or bad, so I'm not wasting energy "resisting" it.).
This was a huge accomplishment for me. I followed that up with a walk and some strength training today (even though I really wanted to take a nap).
To top it off, I ate my lunch in today. That is to say, rather than eating, I skipped a meal and let my body use the energy from my fat stores. I got to dinner feeling hungry but not starving (which always makes me shake my head in surprise. I am eating less food less frequently but am half as hungry as I used to feel all the time.
I feel like there's more to say, but I am very sleepy and need some rest! I've written my protocol down and am ready to start another week.
I started my Saturday morning in the usual way, then headed home to grab a very short nap, pick Doug up from his Saturday class and get some coffee.
I love Starbucks. I think it's an excellent company that treats its employees well and has a positive impact on the communities it serves.
I was having an issue, though. Up to about six weeks ago, I would buy iced coffee, accumulate reward stars and have a Frappucino as a reward. The problem now is that I have cut sugar out of my diet. There is so much sugar in a Frappucino! I know it won't serve me well to have one, even if it's just one a month.
So instead, I have started frequenting a coffee shop in Crystal Lake called Conscious Cup. I have started to enjoy the flavor of the coffee (versus the flavor of the creamer). Drinking one cup of full-flavored coffee versus half a pot of crappy coffee. I also stopped buying the big containers of flavored creamer. Coscto sells a box of single-serving French Vanilla creamer. There are 180 in the box. I use one of those and then two tablespoons of whole milk (the only milk we drink) per cup of coffee (keeping in mind that the mug I use is larger than a standard coffee mug.
After coffee on Saturday, I came home, put Brooklyn down for her nap and got ready for my haircut and style. I had a gala to attend that is a fundraiser for my daughter's dance company.
Shockingly, I'm not typically a gala person. I didn't attend last year, so we made sure I was able to attend this year. I am hoping to have Brian attend with me next year.
I had some anxiety going into the evening. I am an extrovert, but it's easier for me to walk into a huge room of strangers when I have a wingperson. As it turns out, one of the other moms brought her parents and her mother-in-law. I hit it off with them and we had a really lovely evening.
Meanwhile, I had posted some pictures on FB asking for people's opinion about what dress I should wear. The one option definitely screamed gala, but it was a little snug. Hesitantly, I tried it on yesterday and discovered that it fit me perfectly.
I felt silly having people take my picture, but I opted for a couple of shots because it's so seldom that I look so nice.
I had some major victories while at the gala. I stayed away from any kind of bread, be it the dinner rolls or melba toast in the appetizers. I turned down the dessert tray and gave away my truffles.
And you know what? It wasn't even a thing. Aside from needing more water (I could have gone for a carafe of it being on the table), I felt no jealousy about others eating desserts or enjoying their potatoes. For me, the desserts were not so much off limits to me (which means I'm fighting against the urge to eat them--this will eventually lead to me caving in to them) as they didn't serve me (this gives no value to the food, it's neither good or bad, so I'm not wasting energy "resisting" it.).
This was a huge accomplishment for me. I followed that up with a walk and some strength training today (even though I really wanted to take a nap).
To top it off, I ate my lunch in today. That is to say, rather than eating, I skipped a meal and let my body use the energy from my fat stores. I got to dinner feeling hungry but not starving (which always makes me shake my head in surprise. I am eating less food less frequently but am half as hungry as I used to feel all the time.
I feel like there's more to say, but I am very sleepy and need some rest! I've written my protocol down and am ready to start another week.
Friday, October 13, 2017
I Get Knocked Down....
The last few days, I have spent the whole day planning what I was going to say. Then, over the course of the day, I feel like I need to take the post in a different direction.
Today is weigh-in day. This used to be a day I would dread. I have been at this for a long time. This particular leg of my journey started six weeks ago. Most people probably wouldn't publish their actual, real live weight on a blog post.
I, of course, am not most people.
I was in Lane Bryant today (exchanging a bra I bought three weeks ago for a smaller size, no big deal). They have done an amazing job of embracing and advancing the idea of beauty at all sizes. The models they have on display are stunning, even if they don't have the typical model physique.
For me, aiming to be smaller is not about rejecting the person I am or the way I look. I think I am more beautiful now than I was at 20. I think that has a lot to do with the fact that I am more at peace with myself now than I was then.
But the fact of the matter is, weighing 278 pounds puts a tremendous strain on my body, both inside and out. It makes my heart and other organs have to work harder. My knees start to object whenever I try strenuous activity. I am winded easily. I am hot all the time. I feel hungry all the time. I am tired after I eat.
I navigated to the BMI calculator on the nih.gov website. My current weight is 248.2 (that's a whopping 30.8 pounds gone after 6 weeks). That means my current BMI is 39, which puts me in the obese range. For fun, I entered a weight of 160 and at that weight, my BMI would be 24.3, which would put me in the normal weight category, albeit at the high end.
Now, I know some of you are screaming and railing against the use of BMI as a calculation for a healthy weight. I am not saying that it's a perfect measure, but again, it's a number. It doesn't define me or negate any accomplishments I've had. It doesn't mean that once I arrive at that weight (and set up camp, I might add) that all of my problems will melt away. That's just not how life works. I accept that. I'm just trying to use a standard measurement so that I know where to aim.
I didn't do as well today as I would've liked. I ate too much at dinner. I feel slightly uncomfortable sitting here writing. It's not the worst I've ever done. In fact, the amount I ate tonight that was too much wouldn't have bothered me six weeks ago. Now, however, I feel overinflated. It is a tough feeling, to fail. I'm not saying I failed at everything, but let's be honest. I am an all-or-nothing kind of gal and so it's easy to say I should just give up.
I am grateful, though, for a fairly functional brain that tells me not to throw in the towel. It tells me I need to work the model on what happened. And I know what happened. I have developed the awful habit of eating in front of the TV. I will admit that by dinnertime, I am just done. I don't want to talk to anyone, I'm done hearing fart and knock knock jokes, I don't care about Minecraft and I don't want to be peppered with inane questions. I just want to sit in front of the TV with my plate of food, my bottle of water and not think too much.
Tonight, it was all of that compounded by a hectic evening. Bekah's dance company has a gala tomorrow. They had dress rehearsal tonight. I didn't plan well and had to run to a nearby dance store to buy her a pair of tan jazz shoes. I was disappointed because I tried Payless and the closest location that had them was in Bloomingdale, which is far away from Crystal Lake. I am not asking for sympathy, I'm just laying out the facts. I didn't plan well and paid dearly for it.
The gala is being held at the SanFilippo estate in nearby Barrington. I had never been there before, on top of the fact that navigation is not my strong suit. There were a lot of country roads with very little streetlights. Once I got onto the estate, I had no idea where I was going. I couldn't find a parking spot. You get the idea--what I thought was going to be a cut and dry thing turned into a whole production.
So by the time I got home, it was almost 8, which is my cutoff time for dinner. Again, I didn't write a specific protocol for this week. Had I sat down and planned, I could have planned to take something with me, or pushed dinner time out to 8:30, just for this one night. The protocol is as much about deciding ahead of time what I'll eat as it is about when I will eat. That way, I am making decisions about what to put in my body long before I start to feel hungry.
Upon arriving at home, I started heating up my meal. Brian had gone to take Brooklyn to bed. The boys were roughhousing with each other. I tried to keep them quiet, to no avail. I was on the edge of hangry and wasn't managing my emotions very well. (And honestly, I probably wasn't on the edge of hangry so much as I was on the edge of bedtime, a time of day that could short even Mother Theresa's fuse.) So instead of heating up my meal, assembling it all on a plate, heading over to the dining room table, taking a deep breath and starting to eat, I stood at the counter, taking bites in between trying to pick Brooklyn up (she wasn't ready to go to sleep) and/or try to stop her from grabbing food off of my plate.
For. Real. It was like I was in a hidden camera show called "How Not to Eat," specifically, the before segment. I managed to drink a lot of water, but rather than skipping the couscous (I was eating a sweet potato), I ate my half of a sweet potato and the couscous. Again, not a heinous amount of extra food, but enough to put me past the point of satiety. Because I've been aiming to stop eating just as I'm starting to feel full, it felt uncomfortable.
However, I didn't just throw up my hands, say "eff it" and dive into a bowl of popcorn. I took Brooklyn to her room and rocked and nursed her to sleep. I've decided I am actually quite happy that lunch is so far away. It will give my body a chance to finish digesting what I've eaten tonight.
I am not going to let myself be derailed because of one bad meal. I have a long way to go, that is for sure. My short-term goal is to be able to wear my wedding ring by the time Christmas rolls around. It might be a bit of a stretch, but I feel up to the challenge.
Speaking of Christmas, I have spent the past couple of days researching recipes for the holidays. I plan to do a test run on a couple of them to see if the family objects. I know if I show up with untested dishes or dishes with too many exotic ingredients, everyone will balk. I already know I do not want to eat foods that don't serve me, even on a holiday.
I feel like I have spent a lot of my life using food to celebrate things. It's part of our culture, right? Jim Gaffigan, one of my all-time favorite comedians, riffs on this idea. He asks, "how should we celebrate our independence day? Well, by eating a brat and a burger. And then some pie." Right? I mean, it's the way we do it, but it doesn't seem to be serving us well as a country.
So I have decided not to do pumpkin pie or pecan pie or Christmas cookies or really, December cookies, because who just bakes and eats Christmas cookies only on Christmas? (Similar to my idea that Halloween candy purchased and/or eaten before Halloween is just single serve candy in a fancy package.)
I am stepping out of the stream of thought that it's okay "just this once" or "hey, you gotta live a little." For me, the new way I'm doing things is serving me really well. I feel amazing. I have energy. I have clarity of mind. I am not in a constant brain fog, or constantly tired, or running around like a chicken with its head cut off. I am able to sleep well and wake up ready to hit the ground running. My skin looks amazing, my hair is shiny, my head doesn't hurt all the time.
In short, I have worked very hard over the past six weeks to heal my body. I have spent time considering what I will eat and drink (water--lots and lots and lots of water), when and how often I will exercise, how much I will sleep, etc. It may seem like a chore, or that I'm not having any fun, but really the opposite is true. I don't spend hours thinking about food. I already know what I'm going to eat for the day, so there's no need to spend time thinking about it. It's already written down. I've already decided when I'm going to have my one serving of dark chocolate, and what's more, if I feel like it won't serve me well, I decide not to have it and I don't feel bummed at all.
Why, then, would I choose to go back? I have nothing to gain back where I was. The only option, then, is to pick myself up, take stock of what went wrong, and aspire to make better choices in the future.
Today is weigh-in day. This used to be a day I would dread. I have been at this for a long time. This particular leg of my journey started six weeks ago. Most people probably wouldn't publish their actual, real live weight on a blog post.
I, of course, am not most people.
I was in Lane Bryant today (exchanging a bra I bought three weeks ago for a smaller size, no big deal). They have done an amazing job of embracing and advancing the idea of beauty at all sizes. The models they have on display are stunning, even if they don't have the typical model physique.
For me, aiming to be smaller is not about rejecting the person I am or the way I look. I think I am more beautiful now than I was at 20. I think that has a lot to do with the fact that I am more at peace with myself now than I was then.
But the fact of the matter is, weighing 278 pounds puts a tremendous strain on my body, both inside and out. It makes my heart and other organs have to work harder. My knees start to object whenever I try strenuous activity. I am winded easily. I am hot all the time. I feel hungry all the time. I am tired after I eat.
I navigated to the BMI calculator on the nih.gov website. My current weight is 248.2 (that's a whopping 30.8 pounds gone after 6 weeks). That means my current BMI is 39, which puts me in the obese range. For fun, I entered a weight of 160 and at that weight, my BMI would be 24.3, which would put me in the normal weight category, albeit at the high end.
Now, I know some of you are screaming and railing against the use of BMI as a calculation for a healthy weight. I am not saying that it's a perfect measure, but again, it's a number. It doesn't define me or negate any accomplishments I've had. It doesn't mean that once I arrive at that weight (and set up camp, I might add) that all of my problems will melt away. That's just not how life works. I accept that. I'm just trying to use a standard measurement so that I know where to aim.
I didn't do as well today as I would've liked. I ate too much at dinner. I feel slightly uncomfortable sitting here writing. It's not the worst I've ever done. In fact, the amount I ate tonight that was too much wouldn't have bothered me six weeks ago. Now, however, I feel overinflated. It is a tough feeling, to fail. I'm not saying I failed at everything, but let's be honest. I am an all-or-nothing kind of gal and so it's easy to say I should just give up.
I am grateful, though, for a fairly functional brain that tells me not to throw in the towel. It tells me I need to work the model on what happened. And I know what happened. I have developed the awful habit of eating in front of the TV. I will admit that by dinnertime, I am just done. I don't want to talk to anyone, I'm done hearing fart and knock knock jokes, I don't care about Minecraft and I don't want to be peppered with inane questions. I just want to sit in front of the TV with my plate of food, my bottle of water and not think too much.
Tonight, it was all of that compounded by a hectic evening. Bekah's dance company has a gala tomorrow. They had dress rehearsal tonight. I didn't plan well and had to run to a nearby dance store to buy her a pair of tan jazz shoes. I was disappointed because I tried Payless and the closest location that had them was in Bloomingdale, which is far away from Crystal Lake. I am not asking for sympathy, I'm just laying out the facts. I didn't plan well and paid dearly for it.
The gala is being held at the SanFilippo estate in nearby Barrington. I had never been there before, on top of the fact that navigation is not my strong suit. There were a lot of country roads with very little streetlights. Once I got onto the estate, I had no idea where I was going. I couldn't find a parking spot. You get the idea--what I thought was going to be a cut and dry thing turned into a whole production.
So by the time I got home, it was almost 8, which is my cutoff time for dinner. Again, I didn't write a specific protocol for this week. Had I sat down and planned, I could have planned to take something with me, or pushed dinner time out to 8:30, just for this one night. The protocol is as much about deciding ahead of time what I'll eat as it is about when I will eat. That way, I am making decisions about what to put in my body long before I start to feel hungry.
Upon arriving at home, I started heating up my meal. Brian had gone to take Brooklyn to bed. The boys were roughhousing with each other. I tried to keep them quiet, to no avail. I was on the edge of hangry and wasn't managing my emotions very well. (And honestly, I probably wasn't on the edge of hangry so much as I was on the edge of bedtime, a time of day that could short even Mother Theresa's fuse.) So instead of heating up my meal, assembling it all on a plate, heading over to the dining room table, taking a deep breath and starting to eat, I stood at the counter, taking bites in between trying to pick Brooklyn up (she wasn't ready to go to sleep) and/or try to stop her from grabbing food off of my plate.
For. Real. It was like I was in a hidden camera show called "How Not to Eat," specifically, the before segment. I managed to drink a lot of water, but rather than skipping the couscous (I was eating a sweet potato), I ate my half of a sweet potato and the couscous. Again, not a heinous amount of extra food, but enough to put me past the point of satiety. Because I've been aiming to stop eating just as I'm starting to feel full, it felt uncomfortable.
However, I didn't just throw up my hands, say "eff it" and dive into a bowl of popcorn. I took Brooklyn to her room and rocked and nursed her to sleep. I've decided I am actually quite happy that lunch is so far away. It will give my body a chance to finish digesting what I've eaten tonight.
I am not going to let myself be derailed because of one bad meal. I have a long way to go, that is for sure. My short-term goal is to be able to wear my wedding ring by the time Christmas rolls around. It might be a bit of a stretch, but I feel up to the challenge.
Speaking of Christmas, I have spent the past couple of days researching recipes for the holidays. I plan to do a test run on a couple of them to see if the family objects. I know if I show up with untested dishes or dishes with too many exotic ingredients, everyone will balk. I already know I do not want to eat foods that don't serve me, even on a holiday.
I feel like I have spent a lot of my life using food to celebrate things. It's part of our culture, right? Jim Gaffigan, one of my all-time favorite comedians, riffs on this idea. He asks, "how should we celebrate our independence day? Well, by eating a brat and a burger. And then some pie." Right? I mean, it's the way we do it, but it doesn't seem to be serving us well as a country.
So I have decided not to do pumpkin pie or pecan pie or Christmas cookies or really, December cookies, because who just bakes and eats Christmas cookies only on Christmas? (Similar to my idea that Halloween candy purchased and/or eaten before Halloween is just single serve candy in a fancy package.)
I am stepping out of the stream of thought that it's okay "just this once" or "hey, you gotta live a little." For me, the new way I'm doing things is serving me really well. I feel amazing. I have energy. I have clarity of mind. I am not in a constant brain fog, or constantly tired, or running around like a chicken with its head cut off. I am able to sleep well and wake up ready to hit the ground running. My skin looks amazing, my hair is shiny, my head doesn't hurt all the time.
In short, I have worked very hard over the past six weeks to heal my body. I have spent time considering what I will eat and drink (water--lots and lots and lots of water), when and how often I will exercise, how much I will sleep, etc. It may seem like a chore, or that I'm not having any fun, but really the opposite is true. I don't spend hours thinking about food. I already know what I'm going to eat for the day, so there's no need to spend time thinking about it. It's already written down. I've already decided when I'm going to have my one serving of dark chocolate, and what's more, if I feel like it won't serve me well, I decide not to have it and I don't feel bummed at all.
Why, then, would I choose to go back? I have nothing to gain back where I was. The only option, then, is to pick myself up, take stock of what went wrong, and aspire to make better choices in the future.
Thursday, October 12, 2017
How to Shop Without Losing Your Mind (well, without losing more of it)
Good evening, faithful readers! I hope all is well on your end of the screen. Today started off in a rough way for me, but the day seems to be ending a bit better.
Doug's sleep problems persist. We had received a recommendation for a psychiatrist in Crystal Lake, so I made an appointment for him...in January. Meanwhile, his neurologist wanted him to get tested...in Park Ridge. It's a lovely town, but far away from Crystal Lake.
This morning, he was awake before 5 AM (for how long no one knows), fiddling with our vacuum cleaner. It's not the ideal way to wake up, especially when it's two hours before I *actually* have to get up.
We went through this same situation with Jeremy. After he was diagnosed with ASD, ADHD and SPD, he was given medication to help regulated the ADHD and also to help him sleep at night. I usually don't sing Big Pharma's praises, but in Jeremy's case it has helped him tremendously. When Jeremy was struggling with sleep, it wasn't affecting as many people. Now when Doug doesn't sleep, it has the potential to negatively impact the entire household.
So I made an appointment at the office where Jeremy and I see (different) psychiatrist(s). I will be taking Doug tomorrow and though it will be a few weeks before we arrive at answers, I'm optimistic that the sleep issue will be resolved before Christmas.
Aside from that, Brooklyn seems to be cutting all the remaining teeth in her mouth at once. She is a snotty, congested mess. It's been tough to adjust my expectations about having "just" Brooklyn at home. I had a vision of getting all the things done, but I'm finding it's almost tougher to complete things when it's just her.
I try to remember that my main job is to be a mom, not a household manager. When I keep my focus there, I have a lot more peace and serenity.
Okay, so now on to shopping.
One of the things I struggle with when someone mentions a new way of eating is how do I shop? I am a creature of habit. I have my pre-determined route through the supermarket hardwired into my brain. God forbid they change the layout of my favorite store! It can take weeks before I re-learn my path. Those weeks' trips involve a lot of circling back and muttering things under my breath.
Then I struggle with the menu. I have two kids (the boys) who have sensory issues. I can't just upend the entire menu or I'm cooking multiple meals a night.
But I am an all-or-nothing person, so I spend the most time fighting against my own brain. That is the beginning of what, in the past, has triggered a shut down. Instead of figuring all this out, I scroll through Pinterest recipes and eat pizza. (This may or may not have happened when I made the ill-advised decision to be a vegetarian.)
So I have to keep it simple. I'd like to make zoodles or whatever, but mostly I'd like it in a world where I have endless time and every major pot and pan from the Williams-Sonoma catalog. The reality for me is four children, a dog, two guinea pigs and a revolving door of characters from the neighborhood. I need my food to be simple.
I also need my food to taste good. Not in a heavily processed, store-bought way, but in a flavorful way. I don't want to eat kale and celery all the time. I don't think that ends up being sustainable (for me, anyway). I would love to try bok choy and fennel and other mysterious veggies, but my husband and kids balk at my ideas to introduce brussel sprouts, which is one of my favorite things (true story, no one else eats them and I can't eat an entire pan of brussel sprouts without severe gastrointestinal consequences).
But I digress.
I am also crazy busy and don't have time to hit more than a few stores. I have tweaked my shopping experience and narrowed it down to two main stores. I do a Target run every other week for diapers and other random bits as needed.
So I shop at two stores, Costco and Aldi. I used to shop for most of my produce at Aldi, but with my recent shift in protocol, I'm finding it more cost effective to get (most) of my produce at Costco.
I hit Costco pretty hard. I buy their organic ground beef, ground turkey (they come in multipacks, where each of the packs is one pound), skirt steak (which we use for fajitas or just for a delicious meal), chicken breasts (they come in a similar multipack and are the thicker kind), then a bag of frozen chicken breasts (these ones are in a 10-lb bag in the freezer section). I also buy a pack of sliced cheese and some lunch meat for Brian.
Then I head over to produce. I grab a bag of lemons (for my daily warm lemon water), a bag of sweet potatoes, a bag of avocados. Then I head into the refrigerator and grab two bags of romaine hearts (this is the most I can fit in my refrigerator. I chop up one romaine heart per day for my salad, so I end up coming back before the 2-week mark to get one more). I also grab a package of the tri-colored peppers, baby portabella mushrooms, cherry tomatoes and the veggie platter. I love the veggie platter because the veggies are chopped up and easy to throw into the microwave in a steam bag (check them out in the food storage section at Target or WalMart--they are major time savers) for dinner. At $9.99, it's an amazing value. We go through two every two weeks. For real, it's a lifesaver.
I usually don't buy fruit at Costco. I don't eat any fruit on my current protocol and Brian only eats a small amount. The kids eat some fruit, but we have never been able to eat through a Costco-sized portion of fruit before some of it goes bad. The only exception to this is apples, which Jeremy eats like most kids eat candy.
I then head over to the freezer section to buy the aforementioned chicken breasts, popcorn chicken (a necessary evil in my house). Then it's on to string cheese, Mexican shredded cheese, eggs, milk, butter. I just discovered, on my last pass through Costco, hardboiled eggs that are already peeled. For. Real. Gamechanger. I don't care how many articles I read on Pinterest, boiled eggs are my Everest. It may be a little costly, but because I won't be standing over a sink of mangled eggs swearing at the idea of boiling them, it's well worth it.
I do pick up some Veggie Straws and assorted chips, but those are for Brian and the kids.
At Aldi, I buy green bell peppers, spinach (the container at Costco is too big for my refrigerator), grapes, dark chocolate, lunch meat for the kids, oatmeal for Brian, garbanzo beans, couscous and any spices I know I've run out of. I also buy hot dogs (you can clutch your pearls, I get it, they're the worst and I agree with you), tortillas, salsa, or whatever other small cans of things I need. I don't shop for those things at Costco because I have a major storage issue at my house (or lack thereof). I may also buy bacon and sour cream at Aldi. Aside from that, like I said, I buy most of my things at Costco.
Now, when I get home I do not make salads in mason jars or pickling jars or any other kind of jar. Again, I have a side-by-side refrigerator that is original to my house (which was built in the early 90s). I have been informed by multiple repairmen that it will probably last forever. Our precarious financial situation has made replacing a working refrigerator just a pipe dream. I have just enough room to store the bounty from Costco and Aldi. I did just do a major purge of the freezer, where I found artifacts predating Doug's birth (he's 6). After clearing a lot of that out, I am happy to report that the only thing in my freezer is meat, onions, dark chocolate and some baby food trays filled with frozen lemon juice.
Every morning at around 11:00 AM, as I am sipping my coffee, I pull out all the relevant ingredients for my salad, chop them up and throw them in my 2.5 cup Rubbermaid bowl. I stick it back in the refrigerator until about 1:45 (or when I am hungry), pull it out, drizzle some salad dressing, put the lid on, shake it up, voila! Salad!
I have been finding that if I do plan well, I only have to actually cook 3-4 nights a week. I tend to only eat one serving of whatever meal I have (plus 1/2 a sweet potato or some couscous) at a meal. This means that even if everyone else eats one serving, there are typically enough for one or two night's worth of leftovers. The chili recipe I found (which is amazing) will last us almost all week. I can only eat a bowl full of it before I am really full.
Ultimately, I want to cook simply but cook food that is full of flavor. I have had some meals flop while others are wildly successful. I made meatballs today and everyone (boys included) were over the moon for them. I don't take it personally if people don't like what I cook. Typically, my chicken dishes have fallen flat, but then that becomes chicken I add to my salads.
We throw out a very, very small amount of food. We have gotten in a good routine with leftovers. I try to cook on nights that are not chock full of activity, so on the nights we are busy we can just pull things out and heat them up.
I don't think I intended to write this much about shopping, but I hope that it helps! I don't feel like it needs to be fancy or expensive--in fact, I think those two things can make the whole thing unsustainable.
Please drop a comment if you have any questions, I'd love to answer them! Thanks for reading!
Doug's sleep problems persist. We had received a recommendation for a psychiatrist in Crystal Lake, so I made an appointment for him...in January. Meanwhile, his neurologist wanted him to get tested...in Park Ridge. It's a lovely town, but far away from Crystal Lake.
This morning, he was awake before 5 AM (for how long no one knows), fiddling with our vacuum cleaner. It's not the ideal way to wake up, especially when it's two hours before I *actually* have to get up.
We went through this same situation with Jeremy. After he was diagnosed with ASD, ADHD and SPD, he was given medication to help regulated the ADHD and also to help him sleep at night. I usually don't sing Big Pharma's praises, but in Jeremy's case it has helped him tremendously. When Jeremy was struggling with sleep, it wasn't affecting as many people. Now when Doug doesn't sleep, it has the potential to negatively impact the entire household.
So I made an appointment at the office where Jeremy and I see (different) psychiatrist(s). I will be taking Doug tomorrow and though it will be a few weeks before we arrive at answers, I'm optimistic that the sleep issue will be resolved before Christmas.
Aside from that, Brooklyn seems to be cutting all the remaining teeth in her mouth at once. She is a snotty, congested mess. It's been tough to adjust my expectations about having "just" Brooklyn at home. I had a vision of getting all the things done, but I'm finding it's almost tougher to complete things when it's just her.
I try to remember that my main job is to be a mom, not a household manager. When I keep my focus there, I have a lot more peace and serenity.
Okay, so now on to shopping.
One of the things I struggle with when someone mentions a new way of eating is how do I shop? I am a creature of habit. I have my pre-determined route through the supermarket hardwired into my brain. God forbid they change the layout of my favorite store! It can take weeks before I re-learn my path. Those weeks' trips involve a lot of circling back and muttering things under my breath.
Then I struggle with the menu. I have two kids (the boys) who have sensory issues. I can't just upend the entire menu or I'm cooking multiple meals a night.
But I am an all-or-nothing person, so I spend the most time fighting against my own brain. That is the beginning of what, in the past, has triggered a shut down. Instead of figuring all this out, I scroll through Pinterest recipes and eat pizza. (This may or may not have happened when I made the ill-advised decision to be a vegetarian.)
So I have to keep it simple. I'd like to make zoodles or whatever, but mostly I'd like it in a world where I have endless time and every major pot and pan from the Williams-Sonoma catalog. The reality for me is four children, a dog, two guinea pigs and a revolving door of characters from the neighborhood. I need my food to be simple.
I also need my food to taste good. Not in a heavily processed, store-bought way, but in a flavorful way. I don't want to eat kale and celery all the time. I don't think that ends up being sustainable (for me, anyway). I would love to try bok choy and fennel and other mysterious veggies, but my husband and kids balk at my ideas to introduce brussel sprouts, which is one of my favorite things (true story, no one else eats them and I can't eat an entire pan of brussel sprouts without severe gastrointestinal consequences).
But I digress.
I am also crazy busy and don't have time to hit more than a few stores. I have tweaked my shopping experience and narrowed it down to two main stores. I do a Target run every other week for diapers and other random bits as needed.
So I shop at two stores, Costco and Aldi. I used to shop for most of my produce at Aldi, but with my recent shift in protocol, I'm finding it more cost effective to get (most) of my produce at Costco.
I hit Costco pretty hard. I buy their organic ground beef, ground turkey (they come in multipacks, where each of the packs is one pound), skirt steak (which we use for fajitas or just for a delicious meal), chicken breasts (they come in a similar multipack and are the thicker kind), then a bag of frozen chicken breasts (these ones are in a 10-lb bag in the freezer section). I also buy a pack of sliced cheese and some lunch meat for Brian.
Then I head over to produce. I grab a bag of lemons (for my daily warm lemon water), a bag of sweet potatoes, a bag of avocados. Then I head into the refrigerator and grab two bags of romaine hearts (this is the most I can fit in my refrigerator. I chop up one romaine heart per day for my salad, so I end up coming back before the 2-week mark to get one more). I also grab a package of the tri-colored peppers, baby portabella mushrooms, cherry tomatoes and the veggie platter. I love the veggie platter because the veggies are chopped up and easy to throw into the microwave in a steam bag (check them out in the food storage section at Target or WalMart--they are major time savers) for dinner. At $9.99, it's an amazing value. We go through two every two weeks. For real, it's a lifesaver.
I usually don't buy fruit at Costco. I don't eat any fruit on my current protocol and Brian only eats a small amount. The kids eat some fruit, but we have never been able to eat through a Costco-sized portion of fruit before some of it goes bad. The only exception to this is apples, which Jeremy eats like most kids eat candy.
I then head over to the freezer section to buy the aforementioned chicken breasts, popcorn chicken (a necessary evil in my house). Then it's on to string cheese, Mexican shredded cheese, eggs, milk, butter. I just discovered, on my last pass through Costco, hardboiled eggs that are already peeled. For. Real. Gamechanger. I don't care how many articles I read on Pinterest, boiled eggs are my Everest. It may be a little costly, but because I won't be standing over a sink of mangled eggs swearing at the idea of boiling them, it's well worth it.
I do pick up some Veggie Straws and assorted chips, but those are for Brian and the kids.
At Aldi, I buy green bell peppers, spinach (the container at Costco is too big for my refrigerator), grapes, dark chocolate, lunch meat for the kids, oatmeal for Brian, garbanzo beans, couscous and any spices I know I've run out of. I also buy hot dogs (you can clutch your pearls, I get it, they're the worst and I agree with you), tortillas, salsa, or whatever other small cans of things I need. I don't shop for those things at Costco because I have a major storage issue at my house (or lack thereof). I may also buy bacon and sour cream at Aldi. Aside from that, like I said, I buy most of my things at Costco.
Now, when I get home I do not make salads in mason jars or pickling jars or any other kind of jar. Again, I have a side-by-side refrigerator that is original to my house (which was built in the early 90s). I have been informed by multiple repairmen that it will probably last forever. Our precarious financial situation has made replacing a working refrigerator just a pipe dream. I have just enough room to store the bounty from Costco and Aldi. I did just do a major purge of the freezer, where I found artifacts predating Doug's birth (he's 6). After clearing a lot of that out, I am happy to report that the only thing in my freezer is meat, onions, dark chocolate and some baby food trays filled with frozen lemon juice.
Every morning at around 11:00 AM, as I am sipping my coffee, I pull out all the relevant ingredients for my salad, chop them up and throw them in my 2.5 cup Rubbermaid bowl. I stick it back in the refrigerator until about 1:45 (or when I am hungry), pull it out, drizzle some salad dressing, put the lid on, shake it up, voila! Salad!
I have been finding that if I do plan well, I only have to actually cook 3-4 nights a week. I tend to only eat one serving of whatever meal I have (plus 1/2 a sweet potato or some couscous) at a meal. This means that even if everyone else eats one serving, there are typically enough for one or two night's worth of leftovers. The chili recipe I found (which is amazing) will last us almost all week. I can only eat a bowl full of it before I am really full.
Ultimately, I want to cook simply but cook food that is full of flavor. I have had some meals flop while others are wildly successful. I made meatballs today and everyone (boys included) were over the moon for them. I don't take it personally if people don't like what I cook. Typically, my chicken dishes have fallen flat, but then that becomes chicken I add to my salads.
We throw out a very, very small amount of food. We have gotten in a good routine with leftovers. I try to cook on nights that are not chock full of activity, so on the nights we are busy we can just pull things out and heat them up.
I don't think I intended to write this much about shopping, but I hope that it helps! I don't feel like it needs to be fancy or expensive--in fact, I think those two things can make the whole thing unsustainable.
Please drop a comment if you have any questions, I'd love to answer them! Thanks for reading!
Wednesday, October 11, 2017
Feelings (What are They Good For?)
It has been a long day. I am looking forward to putting my head on the pillow tonight. I feel like I earned rest today.
I want to try and tackle two things today. The first is feelings. It's a huge topic, I know, but I will narrow the scope to feelings as it pertains to weight loss and lifestyle changes.
I have talked before about how I grew up learning to eat my emotions. I quite excelled at it, actually. I have had periods of time in adulthood where I've done better than others.
I cringe sometimes when I flip through TimeHop and see some of the things I posted about over the years. I have aired a lot of grievances, frustrations and disappointments. I don't think there's anything wrong with that, per se, but I think it speaks to my emotional health at the time. There also seems to be some correlation between how well I was doing emotionally and how successful I was at losing weight.
I have been spending a lot of time recently listening to Brooke Castillo's podcasts. I really enjoy her. She has a lot of wisdom and the way she communicates resonates with me. I find myself nodding along a lot with her as I walk or work in the yard.
One of the repeating themes in her podcasts is that feelings are vibrations. I like this idea because it takes the value out of feelings. They are not inherently good or bad, they just are. Most feelings are temporary and not all feelings can be trusted.
I am fortunate now to have some very close friends who are good at helping me interpret my feelings. In any given day, I can be feeling highly motivated, like a failure or like a dragon momma. It has served me well to go to my friends and have them help me see the truth. I need objective people in my life because I don't perceive reality correctly. I have a warped sense of how things are and it colors everything I do. Some people are better than others at calling bullshit or pushing me to examine things more closely.
So how does this pertain to eating? I'll give an example.
I will confess that I started writing this week's protocol, got sidetracked by Brooklyn and mislaid my notebook. I have an idea in my mind of what I want the week to look like. I have stuck to my general framework and I've not strayed from the paleo-ish diet.
The weather has contributed to a general malaise. I ended up taking a short nap yesterday because I felt sapped. Today, I woke up at 5 AM again and slept fitfully until 7:45, when Bekah informed me that I needed to make lunches for everyone.
I had a choice today, as I do every day. I could have chosen to stay on the couch watching YouTube videos. I could have taken another nap. I could've decided, "hey, it's raining and I can't walk--I'll just eat all the things."
I *felt* crappy. I *felt* discouraged. I *felt* low.
But here's the thing. Those are just feelings. I can choose to feel the vibrations of them and wait for them to pass, or I can allow myself to set up camp in them and let them rule my day.
Today, I chose to keep moving. I cleaned the kitchen. I purged some things from my closet. I tried on some things from my closet. I threw out garbage. I straightened up. I went to Costco to buy more veggies. I made my salad. I baked a batch of homemade bread.
I can tell you, I am sitting here writing this and I'm still feeling a little low, a little discouraged and a little crappy. I don't think that action cures all that ails me. But today, action did prevent me from taking a detour from where I want to go into where I don't want to be.
(As an aside, I need to say that I struggle mightily with depression. That is in a different class and I don't think it should be construed that depression is just a feeling. When I am feeling legitimately depressed, I definitely take the necessary action to correct things.)
For a few weeks, I spent a few minutes every morning reading scripture and doing some other devotional readings. Once school started, it became difficult to fit that in. I used to stay up until the wee hours of the morning; now I'm in bed no later than 11. I decided that it was important that I fit my quiet time into my morning routine. So for the past couple of mornings, I've set my alarm (instead of letting myself wake up naturally around 7:30) and gotten up.
This is also not a cloak of protection against feelings that don't serve me, but it does help me get off on the right foot. I start every morning with prayer and it's a way of giving God the reins for the day and being willing to sit in the backseat. I confess that I grab the reins back several times throughout the day, but I am working hard to keep a constant dialogue with him. It helps me and it serves my family well if I am communing with God before I commune with them.
I guess what I'm trying to say is that stopping overeating or trying to change one's lifestyle is not *just* about changing the food. There is a lot of inside work that has to be done. I don't think what I am trying to do would have long-term success if I wasn't willing to do the hard work of examining my feelings. Ms. Castillo firmly believes that thoughts drive feelings, which turn into action and determine results. If I want to change the trajectory of my life, I have to start on the inside.
(And I know I said "first" earlier. I was intending to talk about how I shop with this new protocol in place. I am sitting here, though, yawning, and realizing that this is enough to talk about for one night. Stay tuned, my next post will definitely be about shopping!)
I want to try and tackle two things today. The first is feelings. It's a huge topic, I know, but I will narrow the scope to feelings as it pertains to weight loss and lifestyle changes.
I have talked before about how I grew up learning to eat my emotions. I quite excelled at it, actually. I have had periods of time in adulthood where I've done better than others.
I cringe sometimes when I flip through TimeHop and see some of the things I posted about over the years. I have aired a lot of grievances, frustrations and disappointments. I don't think there's anything wrong with that, per se, but I think it speaks to my emotional health at the time. There also seems to be some correlation between how well I was doing emotionally and how successful I was at losing weight.
I have been spending a lot of time recently listening to Brooke Castillo's podcasts. I really enjoy her. She has a lot of wisdom and the way she communicates resonates with me. I find myself nodding along a lot with her as I walk or work in the yard.
One of the repeating themes in her podcasts is that feelings are vibrations. I like this idea because it takes the value out of feelings. They are not inherently good or bad, they just are. Most feelings are temporary and not all feelings can be trusted.
I am fortunate now to have some very close friends who are good at helping me interpret my feelings. In any given day, I can be feeling highly motivated, like a failure or like a dragon momma. It has served me well to go to my friends and have them help me see the truth. I need objective people in my life because I don't perceive reality correctly. I have a warped sense of how things are and it colors everything I do. Some people are better than others at calling bullshit or pushing me to examine things more closely.
So how does this pertain to eating? I'll give an example.
I will confess that I started writing this week's protocol, got sidetracked by Brooklyn and mislaid my notebook. I have an idea in my mind of what I want the week to look like. I have stuck to my general framework and I've not strayed from the paleo-ish diet.
The weather has contributed to a general malaise. I ended up taking a short nap yesterday because I felt sapped. Today, I woke up at 5 AM again and slept fitfully until 7:45, when Bekah informed me that I needed to make lunches for everyone.
I had a choice today, as I do every day. I could have chosen to stay on the couch watching YouTube videos. I could have taken another nap. I could've decided, "hey, it's raining and I can't walk--I'll just eat all the things."
I *felt* crappy. I *felt* discouraged. I *felt* low.
But here's the thing. Those are just feelings. I can choose to feel the vibrations of them and wait for them to pass, or I can allow myself to set up camp in them and let them rule my day.
Today, I chose to keep moving. I cleaned the kitchen. I purged some things from my closet. I tried on some things from my closet. I threw out garbage. I straightened up. I went to Costco to buy more veggies. I made my salad. I baked a batch of homemade bread.
I can tell you, I am sitting here writing this and I'm still feeling a little low, a little discouraged and a little crappy. I don't think that action cures all that ails me. But today, action did prevent me from taking a detour from where I want to go into where I don't want to be.
(As an aside, I need to say that I struggle mightily with depression. That is in a different class and I don't think it should be construed that depression is just a feeling. When I am feeling legitimately depressed, I definitely take the necessary action to correct things.)
For a few weeks, I spent a few minutes every morning reading scripture and doing some other devotional readings. Once school started, it became difficult to fit that in. I used to stay up until the wee hours of the morning; now I'm in bed no later than 11. I decided that it was important that I fit my quiet time into my morning routine. So for the past couple of mornings, I've set my alarm (instead of letting myself wake up naturally around 7:30) and gotten up.
This is also not a cloak of protection against feelings that don't serve me, but it does help me get off on the right foot. I start every morning with prayer and it's a way of giving God the reins for the day and being willing to sit in the backseat. I confess that I grab the reins back several times throughout the day, but I am working hard to keep a constant dialogue with him. It helps me and it serves my family well if I am communing with God before I commune with them.
I guess what I'm trying to say is that stopping overeating or trying to change one's lifestyle is not *just* about changing the food. There is a lot of inside work that has to be done. I don't think what I am trying to do would have long-term success if I wasn't willing to do the hard work of examining my feelings. Ms. Castillo firmly believes that thoughts drive feelings, which turn into action and determine results. If I want to change the trajectory of my life, I have to start on the inside.
(And I know I said "first" earlier. I was intending to talk about how I shop with this new protocol in place. I am sitting here, though, yawning, and realizing that this is enough to talk about for one night. Stay tuned, my next post will definitely be about shopping!)
Tuesday, October 10, 2017
A Treatise Against Counting Calories
I know this is going to be polarizing for some people. Let me say up front, this is something that works for me. It is purely an opinion. I have some backing from books I've read, but ultimately this is an opinion I've derived from years of experience. It may or may not work for you, my reader. I am happy to open a dialogue about it. I don't want to derail anyone's progress. If counting calories works for you (meaning you are seeing significant results, either pounds or inches lost), then read this with that frame of reference. If, however, you've been counting calories with pinpoint precision and *not* seeing results, this may be for you.
Once upon a time, my mom told me about Weight Watchers. I joined back in 2004, right around the time they launched their points program.
I had fairly remarkable success. I was able to shed about 80 or so pounds. I did it in about a year. I kept religious records, filling in all of my food journals.
After a while, I kind of knew the deal. I knew what to eat every day *in order to stay within my points.* This is important. I learned great things about portion control and the importance of eating foods high in fiber. I learned how to read a nutrition label. What I didn't learn was what food I should eat to nourish and fuel my body.
I used to go to Jewel and buy Lean Cuisine frozen dinners in bulk. I would eat one for lunch and one for dinner. I knew which ones tasted good and which ones were high in points but low on being filling. I knew I had to drink plenty of water to feel full.
Add to this the points I would "earn" by exercising. Those meant I could eat more, right? I mean, what's the point of killing myself at the gym if I can't reward myself?
Now, at the point that I was in WW, I had cut out white sugar. I think this ultimately contributed to my ability to lose weight. I understood that sugar was harmful to me, but I didn't understand the extent to which it was destroying my body.
So fast forward several years. I have since tried WW again. I joined online and tried to duplicate the results I had previously seen (this time not cutting out white sugar). I struggled, I won't lie. I saw minor fluctuations in my weight, I lost *some* weight, but really the pounds stuck to me like a toddler at the doctor's office.
I have also used MyFitnessPal. I saw about the same amount of success with that as I did with WW. Very small weight loss numbers. (I understand that it's not all about weight loss, but it is a valid measurement for progress and success.)
So here we are now. I've talked about how I'm doing the Paleo-ish diet and doing intermittent fasting.
I have been posting some big numbers as far as weight-loss is concerned. I have not been entering a single food item in MyFitnessPal (or similar apps). I feel like it would take me more time to weigh each individual ingredient in my salad, to measure all of the items I have for dinner, to search through the vast database. I also think it would tempt me to log my exercise in a way that then encourages me to eat the calories I've "earned." I don't want to sit in the app and decide how many pieces of steak I can have because I ran 5 miles today.
What's healthier for me is to serve myself dinner, sit down, use my utensils, chew slowly and drink water. I can tell you, over the past six or so weeks, I've rarely gotten up for seconds. I almost always get up to refill my water, but I hardly ever feel the need to put more food on my plate. What's more, I typically don't finish everything on my plate. So then how would I account for that? Right? I mean, it becomes this whole mental exercise for which I do not have the energy. (I mean, I have four kids, a dog, two guinea pigs and a husband. I'm short on "extra" energy.)
I also don't think all calories are created equal. I aim to eat nutrient-dense foods at both of my meals. I mean, I am going for no fillers, all nutrients. I am eating to fuel my body. If I am counting calories and the app says I have "extra" calories, I don't want that to mess with my head. I don't want to know where I am at with calorie expenditure because ultimately, it doesn't matter.
I also don't track my calories so that I'm not attempted to eat the calories I burn while exercising. I used to exercise on purpose with the intent that I would be able to eat (insert food here). I spent a lot of time hemming and hawing about my perceived exertion level. Was I out of breath? Did I start sweating immediately? Could I hold a conversation? These are all factors that have a bearing on the amount of calories I have actually expended.
There are a lot of great devices to track all of those things, but again, none of them is 100% accurate. I don't believe, then, that it serves me well to add in my exercise calories. I don't think it would help me reach my ultimate goal.
Now, saying all of that, I do keep a food journal. I write down all the things I eat and all of the liquids I consume. I make note of the amount and type of exercise I've done in a day. It's not about micromanaging. It's about awareness. I can examine my journal and see why my weight hasn't changed the way I was hoping it would.
It also works in the other way. I have been working hard to take the "should" out of exercise. I love to walk and run and have been trying to find a reasonable way to fit it into my day. It doesn't serve me to guilt myself about whether or not I was able to make it outside. It's not a positive influence on my psyche to have a workout schedule where there is no room for life not cooperating. I also have tried to let go of how exercise "should" look.
Today, for example, I knew I wanted to walk around 5 miles. I chose 5 because it's a good length of time for me to be outside. I mostly know how to travel throughout my neighborhood and make a loop that fits the mileage I want to hit. We got to about mile 5.25 and Brooklyn was done. She wanted out of her stroller.
In the past, I would have sped up. I wouldn't have let her get out. I would have fought through her whining because I had a workout to get done! I can't walk slowly because then I might not be able to eat (insert food here).
BUT. I have already decided what I'm going to eat today. I wrote it down. I don't have to think about my food at all today, I've already done that. I don't have to be concerned that I'll have too many calories. I don't have to figure out how many pieces of candy I CAN eat because I have X amount of calories left for the day.
It's so simple, but I know it's not easy. Today was an emotional day. Nothing bad happened, I just felt down in the dumps. It would have been easy to make myself a PB&J sandwich and chase it with water (or even milk). But I didn't. I know any negative feelings I have are just feelings and I can deal with them.
Please, if you are reading this and having a panic attack at the thought of just "eyeballing" it, don't worry. I'm not saying you have to let go of the app or anything. I'm just explaining what worked for me.
I need to finish up because I am falling asleep at the keyboard, lol. I hope everyone has a pleasant evning!
Once upon a time, my mom told me about Weight Watchers. I joined back in 2004, right around the time they launched their points program.
I had fairly remarkable success. I was able to shed about 80 or so pounds. I did it in about a year. I kept religious records, filling in all of my food journals.
After a while, I kind of knew the deal. I knew what to eat every day *in order to stay within my points.* This is important. I learned great things about portion control and the importance of eating foods high in fiber. I learned how to read a nutrition label. What I didn't learn was what food I should eat to nourish and fuel my body.
I used to go to Jewel and buy Lean Cuisine frozen dinners in bulk. I would eat one for lunch and one for dinner. I knew which ones tasted good and which ones were high in points but low on being filling. I knew I had to drink plenty of water to feel full.
Add to this the points I would "earn" by exercising. Those meant I could eat more, right? I mean, what's the point of killing myself at the gym if I can't reward myself?
Now, at the point that I was in WW, I had cut out white sugar. I think this ultimately contributed to my ability to lose weight. I understood that sugar was harmful to me, but I didn't understand the extent to which it was destroying my body.
So fast forward several years. I have since tried WW again. I joined online and tried to duplicate the results I had previously seen (this time not cutting out white sugar). I struggled, I won't lie. I saw minor fluctuations in my weight, I lost *some* weight, but really the pounds stuck to me like a toddler at the doctor's office.
I have also used MyFitnessPal. I saw about the same amount of success with that as I did with WW. Very small weight loss numbers. (I understand that it's not all about weight loss, but it is a valid measurement for progress and success.)
So here we are now. I've talked about how I'm doing the Paleo-ish diet and doing intermittent fasting.
I have been posting some big numbers as far as weight-loss is concerned. I have not been entering a single food item in MyFitnessPal (or similar apps). I feel like it would take me more time to weigh each individual ingredient in my salad, to measure all of the items I have for dinner, to search through the vast database. I also think it would tempt me to log my exercise in a way that then encourages me to eat the calories I've "earned." I don't want to sit in the app and decide how many pieces of steak I can have because I ran 5 miles today.
What's healthier for me is to serve myself dinner, sit down, use my utensils, chew slowly and drink water. I can tell you, over the past six or so weeks, I've rarely gotten up for seconds. I almost always get up to refill my water, but I hardly ever feel the need to put more food on my plate. What's more, I typically don't finish everything on my plate. So then how would I account for that? Right? I mean, it becomes this whole mental exercise for which I do not have the energy. (I mean, I have four kids, a dog, two guinea pigs and a husband. I'm short on "extra" energy.)
I also don't think all calories are created equal. I aim to eat nutrient-dense foods at both of my meals. I mean, I am going for no fillers, all nutrients. I am eating to fuel my body. If I am counting calories and the app says I have "extra" calories, I don't want that to mess with my head. I don't want to know where I am at with calorie expenditure because ultimately, it doesn't matter.
I also don't track my calories so that I'm not attempted to eat the calories I burn while exercising. I used to exercise on purpose with the intent that I would be able to eat (insert food here). I spent a lot of time hemming and hawing about my perceived exertion level. Was I out of breath? Did I start sweating immediately? Could I hold a conversation? These are all factors that have a bearing on the amount of calories I have actually expended.
There are a lot of great devices to track all of those things, but again, none of them is 100% accurate. I don't believe, then, that it serves me well to add in my exercise calories. I don't think it would help me reach my ultimate goal.
Now, saying all of that, I do keep a food journal. I write down all the things I eat and all of the liquids I consume. I make note of the amount and type of exercise I've done in a day. It's not about micromanaging. It's about awareness. I can examine my journal and see why my weight hasn't changed the way I was hoping it would.
It also works in the other way. I have been working hard to take the "should" out of exercise. I love to walk and run and have been trying to find a reasonable way to fit it into my day. It doesn't serve me to guilt myself about whether or not I was able to make it outside. It's not a positive influence on my psyche to have a workout schedule where there is no room for life not cooperating. I also have tried to let go of how exercise "should" look.
Today, for example, I knew I wanted to walk around 5 miles. I chose 5 because it's a good length of time for me to be outside. I mostly know how to travel throughout my neighborhood and make a loop that fits the mileage I want to hit. We got to about mile 5.25 and Brooklyn was done. She wanted out of her stroller.
In the past, I would have sped up. I wouldn't have let her get out. I would have fought through her whining because I had a workout to get done! I can't walk slowly because then I might not be able to eat (insert food here).
BUT. I have already decided what I'm going to eat today. I wrote it down. I don't have to think about my food at all today, I've already done that. I don't have to be concerned that I'll have too many calories. I don't have to figure out how many pieces of candy I CAN eat because I have X amount of calories left for the day.
It's so simple, but I know it's not easy. Today was an emotional day. Nothing bad happened, I just felt down in the dumps. It would have been easy to make myself a PB&J sandwich and chase it with water (or even milk). But I didn't. I know any negative feelings I have are just feelings and I can deal with them.
Please, if you are reading this and having a panic attack at the thought of just "eyeballing" it, don't worry. I'm not saying you have to let go of the app or anything. I'm just explaining what worked for me.
I need to finish up because I am falling asleep at the keyboard, lol. I hope everyone has a pleasant evning!
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