I am 34 years old. I weigh 290 pounds. This is not something of which I am proud. I am not looking for conciliatory remarks like, "you look great," or, "it's really not that bad." It is bad. I have high blood pressure, have had issues with Type 2 diabetes, probably have high cholesterol, experience shortness of breath when performing the simplest of tasks, and sweat profusely even after just a little bit of physical exertion.
I don't normally publish my weight. I certainly wouldn't under normal circumstances broadcast it across the Interwebs. I am doing so, though, for a few reasons. First, I need to own where I'm at. One doesn't normally weigh 290 pounds without having made poor food choices and poor decisions about self-care. It's not a secret that I am big; none of the pants I own with fasteners (snaps, zippers, etc.) fit me right now. I wear XXXL shirts and still feel like they're too tight. So I'm mentioning my weight to say mea culpa. There is a component to my current physical situation for which I am responsible. I like cakes, cookies and other sweet things. If I'm stressed, if I've had an emotional day, if I am frustrated, I reach for something sweet. I can't remember a time that I haven't.
I just started exercising again after a year and half hiatus. There are few people that I know who consume mass quantities of empty calories, don't exercise and don't gain weight. It's really not rocket science. I used to run 5 times a week; more recently, I was doing aerobics DVDs at home 4-5 times a week. It should not be shocking that, without that amount of physical exertion, I would put on the pounds at a rapid rate.
But there's another reason I'm going to let my readers in on this journey. I have been on antidepressant medications since I was 11 years old. It has been an arduous journey, trying to maintain my emotional health with (and without) the help of therapists and also with medication. Antidepressants don't make me emotionless, they don't alter my mood and they don't replace the importance of a relationship with God. They do, however, help me counteract faulty brain chemistry. I have been off of my meds for periods of time and it never goes well. Inevitably, the depression starts creeping over my mind like sunset over the horizon.
The last time I lost an enormous amount of weight, I was off of my medication. Since being on my medication (going on almost six years), I have gone through some extraordinary circumstances. The medication has helped me navigate these stormy waters, but one of the side effects is that it disallows me from being able to lose weight. So even after Bekah was born in 2009 and I was working out like crazy and eating (or trying to eat) perfectly, the weight didn't come off very easily.
I met with my surgeon today. He has already operated on me for something unrelated, but he walked me through why I'm a good candidate for this surgery. By clinical standards, I am morbidly obese. Again, this is not a fishing expedition. I own my weight, but I also know the number on the scale doesn't represent my worth, my beauty, or my identity as a redeemed child of Christ. All the same, the words are tough to hear. (The truth usually is.) I am not sure when and even if the surgery will happen. My insurance informed me that they don't cover this procedure, but Dr. Hoeltgen told me that the insurance ladies at his office have worked with them before to get it covered. I don't even know if I can afford my portion of it. There was a sense of hope, though, as I left the office today. I do not intend to stop working out and eating healthy. If anything, it encouraged me that I need to continue to do more of both. This surgery will help, but not without me following a program. I need to take the next right actions. I need to continue to pray that God will work His divine will in this situation. If He wants it to happen, he will make it happen.
The irony is that I have, up to this point, seen bariatric surgery as a cop-out. I really believed that if I worked hard enough, I could do this on my own. I am convinced, though, that along with the actions I can take on my own, I need help. I am humble enough to recognize when I can't do something on my own. This is something with which I need help.
I encourage my readers to check back; I will be keeping you posted on where this journey will take me next.
Hang in there Sue. Realizing that you need help and that you can't do it all on your own is really difficult to do for some of us. It is a struggle I take to God daily and I am so impressed that you are owning it and have taken it to Christ! Love and cheers to you!
ReplyDelete