The Quicksand of Consumption

So I've been reading this book. (FYI, any good blog entry begins with that sentence. Writers need to be readers.) It's called 7: An Experimental Mutiny Against Excess, by Jen Hatmaker. I am reading it because we are having book group at MOPS tomorrow morning. I read part of it a few weeks ago, but like any busy mom I read the bulk of it tonight.

This is a much different blog entry than the one I wanted to write last night. It is the week of payday. I usually get very glum the week of payday. It seems like a paradox, I know. Payday, when I was much younger, held much promise and hope. Now it seems to hold a sense of impending dread.

The week of payday is tricky emotionally. I rejoice in the fact that I will be able to tithe. We don't do a full 10% tithe. I know opinions are split on this, but we spoke with our pastor and we agreed that right now we can't do that. We do, however, want to acknowledge God as our provider, so we write a check for $10 every payday. Seems like not a lot but it's an act of obedience. I am hopeful that one day we will place a true 10% tithe in the basket and have a party (probably not in the same week, though, as this would cause a financial burden we probably couldn't bear, lol).

Don't think I'm being disingenuous because I'm not. It feels good to be doing something small to further the kingdom of God. We have already received several blessings, albeit small, that I am directly attributing to this practice. Call me crazy--you wouldn't be the first one in line.

I also get discouraged about payday. We have been living like this, from paycheck to paycheck, for quite some time. There was a time, shortly after we moved into our house, when we were able to buy some new things. The new things are now not-new and need replacing.

I'll give you a for example.

Brian and I lived together before we were married. (Gasp, shock, hand to mouth, faint) We lived in a 2-bedroom condo. After bringing Jeremy back home from the hospital, we were acutely aware of how loud everything was. We decided to start playing the sound of ocean waves on a continuous loop, so that we could watch some TV after depositing Jeremy in bed and not having to instead act like ninjas all the time.

We continued the practice at our house once we moved in. We played the ocean, every day, all day, continuously, for almost 6 years. In that span of time, we trashed several CD players. I don't believe they were meant to be used like that.

Back in December, I switched to using all cash. I felt very spiritually convicted to do so. I was spending irresponsibly and without regard. It was a painful transition and I'm still ironing out the kinks. It has, however, allowed me to save $300. I have not saved that much money for a long time. It's kind of an amazing feat, honestly.

In any case, now every dollar has an envelope. I don't have any "extra" money, per se. Once I have spent the money allotted for eating out, I don't eat out. Simple. Once I've spent the grocery money...well, you get the idea.

I developed a category called "all the things." This is the catch-all for replacing things, for birthday presents, for shoes for the kids, for everything and anything that isn't a consumable item (say, food, diapers, shampoo, etc.). That category gets $30 a pay period. If I want something that is more than $30, I have to save over multiple pay periods. This pay period, that money will be used to buy two $15 Target gift cards. That is my standard birthday party gift. Everyone, regardless of gender or closeness, gets a $15 Target gift card. We have two birthday parties this weekend, hence the 2 gift cards.

It has made me very mindful of the cost of things. I shopped long and hard (online) for new sneakers for the kids. Normally I would take them to Stride Rite during the "Buy One, Get One 1/2 Off" sale. I like buying shoes in person because I never know the kids' shoe size. I have tried buying secondhand but my kids have wide feet. I have yet to find the right-sized shoe for them in a consignment/thrift store. It's frustrating but at least I know I tried.

In any case, I even went so far as to print off a sizing chart I found online. I hoped it would be correct. I ordered the shoes. I used my debit card but made sure I had deposited the correct amount in cash I would need to cover the charge.

I had to push back the purchase of shoes because other purchases kept springing up. I started to get discouraged, looking at how worn-out my kid's old shoes were. Really, they were bought last year around this time. And they have one pair of sneakers. No joke. One pair per kid. That's it. No dress shoes for Jeremy, Bekah's dress shoes are hand-me-downs. So I was hoping and praying that their shoes would hold out until I was able to order new ones.

Guess what, they did!! It was a shoe miracle. I did make a rookie online shopping mistake. I picked shoes with shoelaces rather than velcro. So now I'm stuck in shoe-tying hell. My dad did, however, help me out by purchasing a new pair of velcro shoes for Jeremy. So now he has two pairs of sneakers. Tres fancy.

Meanwhile, sometime back in January our latest version of the CD player gave out. It would play the CD fine but it would skip every few minutes. It didn't drive me crazy until Jeremy pointed it out--then it drove me bonkers. I tried re-burning the CD, cleaning the CD, cleaning the CD player. Nothing.

Needless to say, a new CD player is $20. Now you know my "all the things" budget. You know this is the bulk of that budget. I used last paycheck's "all the things" budget to buy a DVD of Frozen. It was well worth it, as it has provided hundreds of hours of entertainment for both me and my kids. At the same time, we are without a CD player and also without the ocean. It would be okay except that Jeremy, who has sensory issues, is very sensitive to sound. Like dolphin sensitive. I didn't realize that listening to the ocean helped cover a lot of the sounds that bug him, sounds that I've just internalized, like the furnace kicking in or the wind blowing or a car alarm or fireworks.

This has actually translated into stress for Brian and me. We have had to deal with a lot of him coming to us and telling us he's afraid of a loud noise. We have to remind ourselves that they are, to him, loud noises that they do seem scary, that they are disruptive to him. It's tough to remember that after a long day. Buying at $20 CD player would alleviate the stress. I would love to make the purchase, but the list of things eating the "all the things" category seems to never end.

In the period of time I've been desiring a CD player, (and I'm sure some of you will file this in the TMI category), my bras have been failing me, one by one. I last bought new bras two years ago. You read that correctly, two years. In that period of time I stopped breastfeeding and lost 50 pounds. I wore them every single day, almost 24 hours a day, for two years.

The underwires have been snapping and one by one, four went down to three, then two, then none. I have a sports bra left. That's it.

Bras are expensive. I can't buy cheap ones because I'm 100 pounds overweight. The material alone costs more, but then extra stuff is needed to keep things in place. I can go to Target and try to buy one cheaply, but it will not last, it will not be comfortable and it will not work well. I spent about $100 two years ago; I'd say I got my money's worth out of that investment.

Here's the problem. It's going to take me about a month and half to save $100. Meanwhile, I have one bra. I have to pray daily that it holds out, literally (well, literally would be hold "up," but I digress). And, still no CD player, meaning Jeremy still freaking out about the loud noises.

Enter this book by Jen Hatmaker. She is a Christian author based in Austin and decided to take seven months and, in each of these seven months, attack a different area of excess in her life. Her goal was to grow herself and grow closer to God by denying herself things.

It's kind of comical because I feel like the last almost 4 years of our life have been a forced practice of this principle. One by one, we peeled away and tossed aside things that we couldn't afford. First it was our maid, then Oberweis delivery, then our lawn guy (that one we did need because Brian was fighting cancer and I was pregnant and with child, so I couldn't keep up with the lawn), then we got rid of the Odyssey for a Town & Country, etc., etc.

Jen starts with eating, then deals with clothing, spending, waste, possessions, media and stress. I will say, we are pretty nimble on spending, possessions and clothing. I own one pair of jeans that fits me appropriately. One. I bought them at a consignment shop back in December. The previous pair of jeans I bought at the same consignment shop don't fit me to the point that I'm afraid I'll end up with them around my ankles in public. Literally.

However, I'm still holding on to the other pairs of jeans. I think I'm mostly doing so for emergency purposes, but also they are pretty worn out and not even really Savers/Goodwill worthy. That's the thing--I buy clothes secondhand and I wear the crap out of them. I am still wearing t-shirts I bought when I got pregnant with Jeremy. Not joking about that either.

And yet, my closet is full. I have a lot of t-shirts that will fit me shortly, so I refuse to let go of them. I have started to let go of other stuff, shirts I don't like, stuff that is out of style, but I am a t-shirt hoarder, I'll readily admit it.

So Jen's observations are so on point to where I am. I feel like God has done for me what I could not do for myself and that's to strip the noise away. It has been painful and uncomfortable and embarrassing sometimes, but I believe it has definitely drawn me closer to God. Yet I'm still living in excess--I still have too much. Nothing of value, though, all that stuff is gone. Even still, I live in clutter each and every day. It's definitely paradoxical for me to complain about barely making ends meet and then in the same sentence, admit that my house is full of stuff.

And here's where the title to this entry comes in. Yesterday I was in a funk, thinking about all the ways that the money we have is not enough. We have medical bills stacked knee high. I started working part-time at my church and have been picking one off the pile and slowly paying it off. We have medical bills dating back to 2011 (not joking or exaggerating).

Our house needs windows. Not in a our-next-door-neighbors-just-got-windows-so-we-need-windows-way, but in a way where we can feel every breeze blow through certain windows in the house.

Brian is driving a car that is 17-years-old and has over 200k miles on it. He drives it back and forth to Northbrook every day and we pray and cross our fingers that it doesn't die, because we really can't afford a new(er) car.

I started thinking yesterday that our troubles would be solved if there was more money coming in. I have several friends whose pitch to get me to do direct marketing is "wouldn't it be nice to have extra money to pay bills, go on vacation, tithe, etc.?" I have heavily considered starting to work for one of these companies.

Here's the problem. There will never be enough money. Ever. There will always be something clamoring for money to be thrown at it. I have a list on my cabinet of things I'd like to buy. It has little things (storage bins, to store the kids' clothing, about $15), to medium things (an ottoman for in front of our couch) to big things (a new grill). That list could be infinitely long.

One thing I discovered was that when we had money, it wasn't enough. We racked up the credit card bills. Not on extravagant vacations or upgrades to our house but on diapers and food and essentials (really, essentials). Now we have less money and no credit cards and it still doesn't seem like enough, but we aren't as hungry for more.

I am not salivating over the latest Smart TV because, quite frankly, it would take me two years to save up the cash for one. It's impractical and foolish to even consider buying one. I spend little time shopping because all that does is seem to create a craving for more things. The less time I spend in stores, the less I ache for new bedding, or new lamps or that perfect piece of decor for my living room. Having less money has actually quelled the thirst I used to have for new things.

I own one pair of new shoes--my running shoes. Other than that, the most recently purchased pair of shoes I own was purchased for me by my mother in December of the year Jeremy was born (2007). I am not worried about having leather boots because they would look dumb with the one pair of jeans I own that fit me. I don't spend hours pouring over shoe websites because there's no need. The shoes I have are enough for the clothes I have. Don't need more than a few pairs of shoes when don't have more than a few pairs of bottoms to wear.

We have a Wii but the kids don't play it a lot. I am not worried about them having a DS or LeapPad or any other gizmo. We were blessed by a generous gift of a first generation iPad. It is almost 5 years old and holding up just fine. We would love to have a newer one but at $300-400 (used), I need to buy new bras before I buy a new iPad. I have glanced at websites like www.newegg.com, but our one PC works just fine, inconvenient as it may seem.

My point is that not having extra has stopped me from thinking about extra and has helped me focus on how there's really enough. My bedding is getting a bit threadbare but it covers me just fine at night. There are no holes in it, no major stains, etc. It's perfectly adequate. I don't need new bedding, I want it. Okay, so it sucks to have to stare at the same bedspread for nine years but some people have no bedspread. It's still serving it's purpose and therefore it never even occurs to me to search for new bedding.

Brian and I, when we had money, never talked about money. We never had a plan, we never discussed financial decisions. We now talk about it a lot. We know where every penny is going. We agonize over all the things we wish we could do. It has brought us closer. We pray together more. We fight less. I worry less about Brian chastising me for spending too much (that hasn't happened since December, I'm not kidding).

There is an incredible amount of freedom in not having money. I don't have to be anxious that I can't buy the newest toy for my kid. I'm not wasting money on myself versus spending it on them. Instead, it just isn't there. I have money put into categories. Once that category is spent, it's spent. I can buy Frozen, but then that means we can't go to open gym at Elite Kids. I'm not neglecting them by not taking them to Elite Kids. I've given them Frozen and we can enjoy that as a family, but the money can't be spent twice. I'm not going to use grocery money to take them to Elite Kids, that would be foolish. There is no worry that I'm misappropriating the money because I'm not. I am teaching my kids the valuable lesson that money is finite. Planning is not evil or constricting but gives much freedom.

I don't want to work for a direct marketing company because I would have to convince people that their lives would be better if they spent money on the stuff I'm selling. Some of it is better than others, but ultimately it's still stuff, noise as Ms. Hatmaker would categorize it. A lot of these companies offer all-expense paid trips if you hit a sales incentive. Fantastic, except I have three kids and two dogs. I don't have anyone to watch everyone. I'm okay with that. The alternative to the trip? More stuff from the company. No thanks, I have enough of that already.

It's a noble idea to think that I could get into one of these companies, make enough money to say, pay off 2011's medical bills and just walk away. The problem is, I know myself well enough to know it would be agony all the way. I am a type-A personality. I am driven and get obsessed. I would get a taste of "more" and want what? You guessed it, more. I might earn a new car but then I would have to be consumed selling what, yes MORE in order to keep said car. The pitches I have heard never talk about ENOUGH, about when it's okay to just sit back and enjoy what you've earned. Nope, it's all about the next level, the next incentive, the next you name it. I think it works for some people but for me it's a thirst that could never be quenched.

I don't mean to paint all of these companies or people who are representatives of these companies poorly. I know some of them have used it well and been good stewards of the money they've earned. More often than not, though, I hear stories of "oh, I used to sell that and now I have all of this stuff that I want to get rid of." It is not scientific but anecdotal, so I'm sure I will have people telling me I'm wrong. I could be, but I have to follow my heart on this one. I have spent a long time getting to know myself and God has helped me tremendously toward that end.

In the end, the answer for me is not more. Not more stuff, not more money, not more (fill in the blank). It's putting my hands up and saying, "God, you're enough. You are my portion." If I'm looking at him, I'm not so worried about what people think when they see me in the same pair of jeans everyday, or the same tired t-shirt, or the ill-fitting t-shirt, or the ill-fitting maternity clothes. It's not really what I want, but it's okay for right now. If I have to live with less to feel like I am richly blessed, bring it on.

This is not a plea for money or gift cards. This is not a wish list of things. This is my reality. It's not pretty and I'm sure most are tired of me talking about it, but it's where we are. The interesting thing is that Brian and I talk about having a little more, just enough to maybe order out once in a while. I always point out that I think it would be tough to draw the line. How many times a week would be okay? Really, ordering out? We don't tolerate takeout well. We eat so cleanly that eating away from home usually ends poorly. Which brings us back to, we have enough. It's kind of boring to eat at home every day, but we feel better, we both have lost weight, our blood pressure is better, etc., etc. Again, more may help but it's not really the right answer.

I'm of the opinion that the medical bills will be paid off when they are paid off. I don't get anxious about bill collectors calling to harass us because I know we are being honest. We are not walking around living a flashy lifestyle and shirking our bills. We live a meager existence and we are doing what we can to satisfy our outstanding debt.

Brian has a different sense about our financial struggles, but that's because as a man his sense of self-worth is directly tied to his ability to provide heartily for his family. I have no compunction about it because I believe it's God's job to provide heartily for our family and I've seen him do it faithfully, month after month. I don't love my husband less because we struggle; that would be ridiculous.

Finally, living a meager lifestyle has made me pretty creative. I have bartered my homemade bread for veggies from someone's garden and for clothes for Bekah. I sold cinnamon rolls over Thanksgiving and Christmas. I know how to navigate my way through medical debt--I never pay the bill that's sent. I know the tricks--call and ask for a discount, for charity, for whatever. We have had thousands of dollars removed from bills just by making a few phone calls.

I have used Freecycle heavily. Our nightstands are hideous and not my taste but they are functional and were free. We made our headboard using borrowed materials and tools. We have two TVs in the house and we paid for neither--one was a gift from my brother and one was given to us by a high-school acquaintance who lives in the area and was getting rid of it.

I cook from scratch. A lot. I didn't grow up knowing how to cook. I've learned a lot about cooking by reading books and blogs and listening to speakers and asking friends. We have pared down our grocery bill by eliminating processed foods. If we weren't broke, I never would have made that change. Pain is the great motivator, or it has been for me.

We have always had enough, and that's really what God promises us. I haven't been able to keep up with the neighbors and it's such a relaxing thing!!

I don't know, I'm feeling a lot happier today than I was yesterday and the situation really hasn't changed. It's payday tomorrow. Our refrigerator is bare. I don't mean first-world bare, I mean bare. There are one and half slices of lunch meat, just enough to make Jeremy's sandwich tomorrow, two bags of mostly empty shredded cheese, some garlic and peppers, milk, and lots of condiments. My freezer? Same story. No meat to speak of, no soup, nothing. That's how it always is the Wednesday night before payday. There is always just enough to get us by, about which I feel strangely proud. There is not food spoiling in my refrigerator and that's quite a feat.

I crafted a meal yesterday using a pound of ground beef, a can of mushroom soup (that had been sitting in my cabinet for at least a year and a half), a can of green beans (that's at least three years old) and jasmine rice. It's not a meal I would repeat, but it sustained Brian and me. Tonight? Pancakes, made with flour I milled here at home and using the last three eggs we had. I used my savings to buy the milk and I will replenish the money tomorrow when I head to the bank and withdraw the money I'm given by Brian every two weeks.

Not glamorous but joyful, and for that I'm truly grateful.