Time is (not) On My Side

I just stood at my daughter's bedside, tears streaming down my face, begging her to let me be. She was still up as of 9:45 and wanting a lullaby. I have been doing a little better the past couple weeks but this week has been rough. 

I told her, between sobs, that I just didn't have a lullaby in me. Definitely not my proudest parenting moment. It didn't come out of nowhere, though. It was building up for quite a while. It was inevitable that it would happen, though I never thought the request for a lullaby would take me over the edge. 

It all started yesterday, when some plans for a night out fell through. I had been excited to get out but my friends were exhausted. They offered to still hang out and set their exhaustion aside. I considered that noble but unnecessary. 

It did get me thinking, though, about how much time Brian spends away from home everyday. When we first moved in, he worked from home. He was very disciplined about it and it worked out quite well for all of us. Upon Bekah's second birthday, his boss told him he had to start reporting to the office again. 

It impacted our budget a great deal. More than I have realized, though, it has impacted the emotional health of my family. 

I did the math yesterday. Let's say I go to sleep at midnight, which is fairly typical for me. I won't apologize for it and I don't feel ashamed. I love the nighttime because I have some measure of solitude. 

So I fall asleep at midnight. The next time I see my husband is 18 hours later. Yep. His alarm goes off at 5:15 AM. He is gone long before my eyes open. He gets done with work at 4:30 and doesn't walk in the door until 6:00 PM (7:00 PM on Thursdays). 

I am almost always antsy to get out of the house. I've never been able to figure out why. I've honestly felt guilty about it from time to time. I talk to other moms and they are never as eager to get out as I. This baffled me, frankly. 

I realized today why I'm so antsy to get out. I am alone with my kids for 18 hours. Of course, they are not early risers and so it's not a true 18 hours, but ultimately I am responsible for my kids, on my own, for 18 hours. 

I am an extrovert. I love to be around people. If someone asks me 10 times to hang out, I will say yes 9 times. It energizes, centers and calms me to be out among other adults. 

And there's the rub. 

One may point out that I am around people for 18 hours a day. One would be correct. What one doesn't understand is that the people who form my herd are not adults. They don't converse well (mostly we talk at each other, not to each other). Not only that, they are mostly dependent on me. I have to cook for them, dress them, wrangle them and amuse them (or direct them to amuse themselves). 

It's exhausting. 

I don't want my readers to conclude that I don't like my spouse or enjoy spending time with him. I do. We have a great time together. The problem is, at best we get an hour to an hour and a half of time together at night. Usually that time is interrupted by requests from kids up way past their bedtime. Usually I'm either working on housework or feeling guilty that I'm too tired or lazy to work on housework. Usually I'm distracted because I'm trying to finish a book (I'm not joking, I've been reading a book a day for at least two weeks). 

The only way I can actually unwind and relax is to be physically removed from my home. I need to not see the dishes, clothes and clutter that glares at me all day. I need to not be grilled about the coming day's activities. 

It seems logical, then, that I should find ways to get out. And I do. I run, I go to counseling, I go to the library, I go shopping. Those are solitary activities. I joined a moms group in order to have organized activities at night. I used to make it to every activity; now, I'm lucky to make it to one activity a quarter. Finances have started impeding my ability to join the other moms for the activities. 

I know I need to get out and I know other moms need to as well. I couldn't understand why they don't all share the same enthusiasm as I for getting out. A couple of thoughts emerged as I pondered this dilemma. 

First, only some of my friends are extroverts. Those that are extroverts may not be the same kind of "out and about" extrovert that I am. Then there are the introverts, for whom the prospect of going out is exhausting. I hadn't really factored that into the equation. 

Point two is that for some people, their husbands are not gone for quite so long. Some may have their husbands home for the summer. Some might have non-traditional work schedules that allow them long, uninterrupted hours of adult interaction. They are basking in the opportunity to spend time with them, to accomplish projects around the house, to travel, etc. They are also able to get out during the day-sometimes (gasp) all my themselves!! They don't arrive at the end of the day as drained as I. (Or maybe they do but then are trying to stock up on time with their hubbies because they know it's only for a short time. Who knows.)

At the beginning of the summer, I thought husbands being home more would mean I could hang with friends more. That hasn't been the case and as I am prone to insecurity and self-doubt, I was taking this personally. Over the past few days, I've seen how childish that is. There are logical explanations for lack of time spent together that have nothing to do with me. As usual, I am always in trouble when I have unrealistic expectations. It sets me up for resentments every single time. Instead of starting off assuming people are avoiding me, I can start to understand that not everyone's day is like mine. The lack of time spent together is temporary, not permanent. It's a season (sometimes literally, sometimes not). It will pass or it will change and I will grow through it. 

Maybe God has a lesson he wants me to learn and I won't be able to learn it while I'm out all the time. Who knows. 

I am never sure what the solution is to my problems. I am never sure how to approach a solution. I certainly don't want to twist people's arms to spend time with me. I understand people's limitations and I don't want to impose on anyone. 

Over the next week, I do have one night planned with a night out. I'm carpooling with someone, so even though it's in Woodstock it's not going to break the bank. Other than that, it's a week that will be long and mostly unbroken from my responsibility for my kids. I am anxious about a meeting next Wednesday night. It's going to be crazy and I'm dreading it. 

I am committed to running three times next week. Somehow I feel like if I can focus on that for now, a solution might present itself. 

One can hope. 

Sum, Sum, Summertime

Oh, my. This summer is blazing by very quickly. I spent some time today really cleaning the house. Picked up my bedroom, did some laundry, vacuumed, put laundry away, had the kids clean their bedroom. I feel like it was a very productive day.

I have been trying to run at least twice a week (really I aim for three times, but am happy with two). I am moving into the last third of a training program on my phone. It's running punctuated by some sprinting. I like it because it's laid out so specifically. Every segment is announced as I'm running, so I know exactly what I'm supposed to be doing.

The other night, though, I had a rough go of things. It was more humid than it's been for most of the summer. I have a water belt but it doesn't fit me yet. It fit me at one time but now it doesn't. I refuse to get rid of it because I'm hopeful that by next summer it will fit me.

Meanwhile, I have been running without water. It's not ideal, even on a cool day. On a humid day where the sun is blazing, it's really quite dangerous.

I tend to run in the evening, around 6, after Brian gets home from work. On Wednesdays I go out at about 7:30. Sometimes, if I'm very ambitious, I go on a Sunday night, usually a bit earlier. I don't like to eat a lot before I go but that gets tricky, too.

I am at a point where I need new shoes. I am planning on making a stop at The Running Depot in downtown Crystal Lake. I have wide feet and typically wear New Balance stability shoes, owing to the orthotics I wear to correct pronation. I haven't changed my brand of shoe in a few years and I think it's time to get reevaluated. The problem is of course the finances. I spend more money on my running shoes than I spend on clothes and shoes combined for a year. And I buy at least 4-5 pairs a year. In fact, I've not bought a pair of shoes (new or otherwise) aside from running shoes for at least 3 years. I'm actually quite proud of that, owing to the fact that I have several pairs of pretty nice shoes in my closet. Maybe they're in style, maybe they're not. It used to be quite an addiction for me and so I'm glad I've been able to quit it.

I see buying high-quality running shoes as a worthy investment. I spend a lot of time on my feet, even when I'm not running. I need the extra support in general, but you add in my burgeoning back problems and I need them even more. I have some things in the pipeline that should enable me to buy a new pair of shoes before mid-August. I'm a little excited about that, honestly.

Meanwhile, Jeremy's birthday is upon us. Last year we weren't able to give him any kind of party. We just didn't have the budget for it. He told us he wanted a party at Monkey Joe's. We were determined to do just that for him this year.

Then a funny thing happened. Monkey Joe's closed and Jeremy decided he wanted a party at our house. That, in my opinion, is a double jackpot. Parties at Monkey Joe's cost $150-200 easy. I can produce a very nice party at our house for a fraction of that cost. Second, I liked Monkey Joe's okay but there were limits to how many kids you could invite. That's always a tricky thing. Now, we can invite everyone he wants (I'm sure some won't be able to make it) and not have to worry about the extra cost.

I've already decided we are getting pizzas from Little Caesar's. I personally can't stand them and think they taste like crap. The kids, though, don't have quite as discerning palates as I. It's really the $5 price that I like the best. Throw in some snacks, a homemade cake, juice boxes and decorations and I'd say we'll spend no more than $75. Phew!!

Jeremy has been a handful at times this summer. It has been tough to manage the emotions I know got managed by his teachers over the school year. The bright spot has been that he's been invited to 3 different birthday parties. It makes me happy because it reminds me that though he drives me nuts, he has some friends. He has kids in his life who are willing to look past the quirks and tics and see that he's a good kid. He had a meltdown the other day at a play date. There were about 10 kids and they were picking teams. He was upset not because he didn't get picked but because he and his sister (his best friend, according to him) weren't put on the same team.

It's hard sometimes to separate the autism from Jeremy. It seems like they are inexorably enmeshed in one another. I have to remember that he doesn't get embarrassed about his behavior the way I do. I won't apologize and I don't feel ashamed about that. It's tough to admit but it's the truth. I get embarrassed when he flings himself down on the ground, screams or in other ways makes a scene.

Oddly enough, he doesn't.

I prayed all summer last year that God would send kids into his life that would be good to him. I have seen a few kids treat Jeremy as inferior. For the most part, though, I have seen kids embrace him and welcome him into their lives. It helps me to remember that God has his hand on Jeremy. I picked his name before we ever got pregnant. I found out later that it means "God will exalt."

And really, He has.

Month in Review

I haven't blogged in a month. I was starting to get tired of seeing myself write about depression so much. I decided to take a break until I didn't feel quite so bad. 

That was actually a few weeks ago, but then life got in the way. I'm not really complaining because we have been very busy in a good way. 

I am in week 4 of an 8 week training program called Running for Weight Loss Pro. I made an attempt to complete it last year but got bronchitis and then the weather got real cold real fast. This made it impossible for me to finish it. 

I decided to start back at the beginning. It had been a while since I had been running and I wanted to ease back into it. I feel like I made the right decision. It is just starting to be mostly running (it started as running/walking). 

I love running, I've mentioned that before. It's always been the thing that winds my clock. I had an epic run last Wednesday night. Over the past couple of years, I've managed to shave close to 4 minutes off my mile pace. 

I wish every run was epic but it's not. There are ones like Monday where I plod through, my legs heavy and uncoordinated. It seemed like every stretch of road was uphill. I finished strong but I didn't hear Chariots of Fire playing at any point during the 45 minutes I was running. 

Luckily, I know not to throw in the towel because of a run like that. My FB fanbase likes to cheer me on and I appreciate it because I draw a lot of strength from the positive words. 

In other news, I have started seeing a counselor. I am going to give a shout-out to EFCCL once again. This is the first time in years that I've found a Christian counselor with hours that fit my schedule and isn't costing a fortune. It's kind of a miracle. 

I have seen her three or four times and I'm enjoying it immensely. She is a counselor with the added benefit of being a Biblical scholar. It is helpful because I've had many questions about my faith lately. I'm not considering another faith, but I am trying to mature and it's tough. I've spent a long time being angry with God. Luckily, He's big enough to take my anger and my questions. My counselor is helping clarify doctrine and I really appreciate having someone willing to do that with me one-on-one. 

Meanwhile, we are still struggling financially. I am encouraged lately because I feel like the job market is starting to loosen a bit. I just confirmed that I would work childcare for an event at The Chapel-Barrington. That will be a nice bump in funds for my semi-annual KidStuff Resale trip. My mom is helping me a bit with school supplies. I am starting to find deals for other things I will need. All in all, while things haven't changed drastically for the better, they've also not changed drastically for the worse. 

Finally, I need to give a shout-out to my FB friends. I had three different people (who know me from three different places) share the Weird Al song Word Crimes with me. It warms my heart! It means I've done a good job communicating my hatred of word and grammar abuse. 

Word. 

(Drops microphone and walks away.)