I told her, between sobs, that I just didn't have a lullaby in me. Definitely not my proudest parenting moment. It didn't come out of nowhere, though. It was building up for quite a while. It was inevitable that it would happen, though I never thought the request for a lullaby would take me over the edge.
It all started yesterday, when some plans for a night out fell through. I had been excited to get out but my friends were exhausted. They offered to still hang out and set their exhaustion aside. I considered that noble but unnecessary.
It did get me thinking, though, about how much time Brian spends away from home everyday. When we first moved in, he worked from home. He was very disciplined about it and it worked out quite well for all of us. Upon Bekah's second birthday, his boss told him he had to start reporting to the office again.
It impacted our budget a great deal. More than I have realized, though, it has impacted the emotional health of my family.
I did the math yesterday. Let's say I go to sleep at midnight, which is fairly typical for me. I won't apologize for it and I don't feel ashamed. I love the nighttime because I have some measure of solitude.
So I fall asleep at midnight. The next time I see my husband is 18 hours later. Yep. His alarm goes off at 5:15 AM. He is gone long before my eyes open. He gets done with work at 4:30 and doesn't walk in the door until 6:00 PM (7:00 PM on Thursdays).
I am almost always antsy to get out of the house. I've never been able to figure out why. I've honestly felt guilty about it from time to time. I talk to other moms and they are never as eager to get out as I. This baffled me, frankly.
I realized today why I'm so antsy to get out. I am alone with my kids for 18 hours. Of course, they are not early risers and so it's not a true 18 hours, but ultimately I am responsible for my kids, on my own, for 18 hours.
I am an extrovert. I love to be around people. If someone asks me 10 times to hang out, I will say yes 9 times. It energizes, centers and calms me to be out among other adults.
And there's the rub.
One may point out that I am around people for 18 hours a day. One would be correct. What one doesn't understand is that the people who form my herd are not adults. They don't converse well (mostly we talk at each other, not to each other). Not only that, they are mostly dependent on me. I have to cook for them, dress them, wrangle them and amuse them (or direct them to amuse themselves).
It's exhausting.
I don't want my readers to conclude that I don't like my spouse or enjoy spending time with him. I do. We have a great time together. The problem is, at best we get an hour to an hour and a half of time together at night. Usually that time is interrupted by requests from kids up way past their bedtime. Usually I'm either working on housework or feeling guilty that I'm too tired or lazy to work on housework. Usually I'm distracted because I'm trying to finish a book (I'm not joking, I've been reading a book a day for at least two weeks).
The only way I can actually unwind and relax is to be physically removed from my home. I need to not see the dishes, clothes and clutter that glares at me all day. I need to not be grilled about the coming day's activities.
It seems logical, then, that I should find ways to get out. And I do. I run, I go to counseling, I go to the library, I go shopping. Those are solitary activities. I joined a moms group in order to have organized activities at night. I used to make it to every activity; now, I'm lucky to make it to one activity a quarter. Finances have started impeding my ability to join the other moms for the activities.
I know I need to get out and I know other moms need to as well. I couldn't understand why they don't all share the same enthusiasm as I for getting out. A couple of thoughts emerged as I pondered this dilemma.
First, only some of my friends are extroverts. Those that are extroverts may not be the same kind of "out and about" extrovert that I am. Then there are the introverts, for whom the prospect of going out is exhausting. I hadn't really factored that into the equation.
Point two is that for some people, their husbands are not gone for quite so long. Some may have their husbands home for the summer. Some might have non-traditional work schedules that allow them long, uninterrupted hours of adult interaction. They are basking in the opportunity to spend time with them, to accomplish projects around the house, to travel, etc. They are also able to get out during the day-sometimes (gasp) all my themselves!! They don't arrive at the end of the day as drained as I. (Or maybe they do but then are trying to stock up on time with their hubbies because they know it's only for a short time. Who knows.)
At the beginning of the summer, I thought husbands being home more would mean I could hang with friends more. That hasn't been the case and as I am prone to insecurity and self-doubt, I was taking this personally. Over the past few days, I've seen how childish that is. There are logical explanations for lack of time spent together that have nothing to do with me. As usual, I am always in trouble when I have unrealistic expectations. It sets me up for resentments every single time. Instead of starting off assuming people are avoiding me, I can start to understand that not everyone's day is like mine. The lack of time spent together is temporary, not permanent. It's a season (sometimes literally, sometimes not). It will pass or it will change and I will grow through it.
Maybe God has a lesson he wants me to learn and I won't be able to learn it while I'm out all the time. Who knows.
I am never sure what the solution is to my problems. I am never sure how to approach a solution. I certainly don't want to twist people's arms to spend time with me. I understand people's limitations and I don't want to impose on anyone.
Over the next week, I do have one night planned with a night out. I'm carpooling with someone, so even though it's in Woodstock it's not going to break the bank. Other than that, it's a week that will be long and mostly unbroken from my responsibility for my kids. I am anxious about a meeting next Wednesday night. It's going to be crazy and I'm dreading it.
I am committed to running three times next week. Somehow I feel like if I can focus on that for now, a solution might present itself.
One can hope.
No comments:
Post a Comment