I struggled with how to write about this topic without referencing the source material. My Facebook feed has blown up over the past week about a movie that was released last Friday. It's based on a novel that was a bestseller. It depicts a relationship that is based on BDSM.
I don't want to type the title and I am hoping that my readers will know to what work of fiction I am referring. It was pointed out, in one of the numerous posts, that any press is good press. I don't want to contribute to the press because I don't think it deserves it.
So here's the thing. I know this work of fiction has had numerous posts, articles, reviews, etc., penned about it. I've not read it (though I did read an excerpt of it and really, I suffered through the paragraph that I read), though I've read part of a detailed analysis of it. My plan is really not to talk about the book, since that would be disingenuous.
Instead, I'm going to share some thoughts on love. I won't claim originality about them because mostly there's no originality when it comes to love. Volumes have been written about the subject over the past two thousand years. Men and women better than I have spent years talking and writing about it. I am going to share a little of my own thoughts, or really my thoughts on the thoughts that are out there.
This is one of the times I wish I was more fluent in other languages. I feel like the English language falls far short when it comes to discussing love. In Greek, French and Spanish (just to name a few), there are multiple words for love and each has a different connotation. In English, we use the word love but it covers all manner of love--romantic love, familial love, love between friends, love of our pets, etc. I feel like that's not fair to the word, to make it work so hard and wear so many hats.
I grew up on a diet of romantic comedies. I was a bit young for John Hughes' creations, though I've watched most of them. If there was a chick flick released between the years of 1988 and 2000, chances are I saw it. I really enjoyed some of them (Sabrina, Say Anything, Sixteen Candles, Jerry Maguire, Never Been Kissed), despised some (Titanic, Bridges of Madison County) and tolerated others (She's All That, Can't Hardly Wait).
Here's what I will say about how movies treat love. They usually don't do it well. Movies are usually short on character development and long on fantasy. I learned, from watching the movies, that teenage boys are really just misunderstood. Go for a nerd, for the quiet guy, he's gonna be the one who will "get" you, who will know how to woo and romance you.
The reality is that teenage boys are really not that evolved. Yes, there are some that are more sensitive or thoughtful, but by and large teenage boys still find fart jokes funny. Those are not the people to be trusted to make huge romantic gestures.
I'm not being hard on teenage boys, necessarily, I'm also being hard on teenage girls. For every girl that, like me, binges on these movies, we develop standards to which no one can measure. It's unfair to teenage girls
and boys. It's really unfair to humans in general. There's a lot of smoke and mirrors in movies.
Let's face it, though, reality is not always a fantastic place to live. I'm not saying we shouldn't indulge in chick flicks or romantic comedies or movies in general. I think that there is a place in our lives for sitting in a movie theater and entering an alternate reality for two hours. Movies can change the way we look at ourselves, our situations, our lives. Movies are fun, are cheap stress relief, are (for me, at least) a vital part of who we are.
Literature is not always better in terms of how it treats love. It can create just as many false and unrealistic expectations. I have never been someone to read trashy romance novels. I actually detest most literature that can be classified as love stories or romance. I prefer action, classic literature and detective novels. I make exceptions sometimes, but usually I will choose a book about murder and mystery rather than one about love.
I'm not sure when I made the switch, from preferring "chick" literature and films to grittier and (more realistic) movies and books. In fairness, even my current choices are not based in reality. I am still finding escape in what I digest with my eyes, but now I prefer that my escapes be based in more reality, that they are grittier and dirtier, and that romance be a secondary plot line.
The things that I saw on the big screen and the things I read made it next to impossible for me to fall in love with a real, live, red-blooded human man. Really. There was no way that anything I found in real life was going to be like what I found on the page or screen. Who would want to date a human man who farts and belches over Lloyd Dobbler, for example, who stands outside my window and plays Peter Gabriel? I mean, come on! Given the choice, it would be Lloyd every time.
Yes, movie men make mistakes (forgive the alliteration). They mess up, they miss cues, they pick the wrong girl. The thing is, within a couple of hours, they come to their senses and make a huge romantic gesture. Obviously, I don't want to have to wait longer than two hours for a human man to come to his senses. I want the long speeches, the thoughtful cards, etc. I don't want to have to deal with someone who refuses to put his dishes in the dishwasher.
I mean, really.
This is why our language falls so short. These movies talk about love but they are really dealing with
infatuation. There are more movies now about married love (
Crazy. Stupid. Love., This is 40 come to mind), about how tough it is to make space for love when life is crazy. Mostly, though, movies are talking about infatuation. They are talking about the beginning of a relationship, when it's perfectly acceptable to stay up talking on the phone until 4 AM every night for a week. If I did that now, I would probably die from sleep deprivation. They are about wooing, when a couple is figuring each other out and hiding most of their more glaring character defects from one another.
Couples can't live in that phase, though. They just can't. It's unrealistic. You're eventually going to have to fart in front of your partner. You're going to have to eat messy food in front of them, have a runny nose, cough up brown stuff, wake up next to them and not have a chance to brush your teeth. That's going to happen, it just is.
Now. I am not saying that we all lower our standards to zero to accommodate the lunkhead real-life men out there. We should have standards, men and women alike. Men really are clods, to use a word my eighth-grade English teacher loved to use. That's really how they were made. Some actually are clued in to how to woo and romance but more often than not, they need to be coached on that. It's not that they don't care--it's that they didn't grow up on the same diet of movies we did. We need to have realistic (based in reality) expectations of the person for whom we are looking and the person with whom we want to spend our lives.
There is a huge disconnect and while I'm not blaming Hollywood, I'm saying Hollywood played a part. I played a part, too. Parents who let their kids watch these movies play a part. I'm not absolving anyone of their personal responsibility. I know Hollywood is vilified for what they put out, but that's not really fair to them.
And here's the thing. This latest movie, the one that some have called "soft-core porn for women," wouldn't have been made without women buying the book in bulk. Hollywood didn't make the movie in a vacuum. They would never have made the movie if they thought it wouldn't make money. That's just not how they operate. So yes, Hollywood produced and released a film about BDSM, but only because there was a demand for it.
I find that really unfortunate. I don't think it's an original love story--there are whole websites dedicated to this practice, honestly. The writing, in my opinion, is piss poor. It's drivel. There is no depth to the characters (something I can forgive in movies but absolutely not in a novel). The plot makes no sense. It's garbage! I'm actually kind of pissed off that so many women would be willing to read garbage. I am all for a novel about love and romance, don't get me wrong. I just can't subject myself to a poorly-written novel.
For example, I read Patricia Cornwell novels for a few years. I enjoyed her main character, Kay Scarpetta. I found her intelligent and human and thought she had great depth. I didn't care for all of the novels equally, but I enjoyed most of them. Then, shee released a novel called
Blowfly. I read one page, put the book down and have never read another of her novels. I just didn't like how it was written. I am not going to subject myself to something that's not worth my time, even if it fits into a genre I enjoy.
I hate to judge a whole class of women. I am pretty evolved when it comes to women's issues. I think women need to be empowered. I think women should be paid equally. I think women should always have choices. I have a good number of close women friends, some of whom chose to read this book. I love those friends and all women in general. I am disappointed sometimes in what people choose as entertainment (I also loathed the
Twilight series), but heck, we have all made poor decisions, right?
I know people will probably be offended in reading this. Please know that the beauty of living in the United States is that we are all allowed our opinions. If any of my readers chose to experience the book and the movie, congratulations! You have exercised your right to free speech and I will always applaud that.
There are, however, larger issues addressed in this particular novel that have a lot of women up in arms. I feel like that could fill a whole other blog post. I have learned more and more about human trafficking in recent years. I am sickened the more that I learn, because I hate thinking about the millions of women around the world who are not given choices. They are kidnapped and systematically raped and tortured to satiate the demands of men who devalue them.
This book doesn't talk about human trafficking, but I think it does touch the issue tangentially. From what I understand, the main female character is a virgin before connecting with the main male character. She engages in BDSM to please the male character, who, incidentally, stalks and dominates her. Again, all women should have choices about how they practice love with partners of their choice.
That being said, I think the book serves to desensitize rather than empower women. If millions of women are reading a book about another woman engaging in BDSM in an attempt to placate and ultimately heal/fix a man, I think it is dangerous. It can send the message that this is always the case. My husband/boyfriend is goading me to try this? Well, maybe engaging in this behavior will stop them from terrorizing/stalking/brutalizing me.
Yes, as educated women we can separate fiction from reality. We can read it and say, "hmmm, that was a good escape." For women who don't have good role models in their lives, though, this book can do nothing but further erode their idea of appropriate sexual relations. I think it's similar to the movie
Pretty Woman. In the movie, Julia Roberts is a prostitute. We never find out why or how she became a prostitute, but we are lead to believe she chose the lifestyle (most women don't). Then, she decides to go home with Richard Gere. In a week, she woos Mr. Gere and ends up being rescued from the life by him. (This is of course after she is sexually assaulted by Jason Alexander.)
Maybe that plot line has happened in real life. Maybe most people can watch that movie and realize, "hey, that was a good way to escape life for a couple of hours, but it's not based in reality." The problem is that it desensitizes us to the bigger issue, that prostitution is not usually a choice, it's not at all glamorous and it's a billion dollar industry that is growing every year. It sends the wrong message to broken women who are looking for someone to love them.
Like I said, read the book, don't read the book. See the movie, don't see the movie. We live in a country where we are all, men and women alike, allowed to make choices like that. Enjoy that freedom. All I ask is that you spend some time researching how to help trafficked women. Have conversations with your daughters about real love, not love found in books or movies. Think about whether you'd be okay with your daughters reading this novel when they grow up. Think about whether your sons should read a book like this.
As for me, I'm currently nursing an infatuation for broad-shouldered Englishmen. I will be going to see
Kingsmen, starring Colin Firth, later this week. I'm looking forward to hearing his beautiful voice recite lines, to seeing him kick some butt, and then coming home to my husband, who burps and farts and usually falls asleep on the couch. I'm a firm believer in having my head in the clouds and feet on the ground.
P.S., I could also spend a whole blog post decrying Nicholas Sparks or the recent new genre of movies made about love and tailor-made for Christians. I also can't stand any of that. I love my husband. We went to one marriage retreat. We will not be going back, like ever. We giggled through the whole thing and have never once practiced anything we learned that weekend. (We also strained our eyes because we rolled them so much at each other.) I hate cheese, be it Christian or secular. I don't like Kirk Cameron at all and don't want to seem him act poorly in a movie. So rest assured, I am an equal opportunity critic. That is all.
