I don't know what to write about tonight. I want to keep it light--otherwise, I would write some about my passion for ending human trafficking. Tonight, though, I don't want to talk about it. I feel like it's too heavy.
I had fun tonight with my Doug boy. He is a bundle of fun. We didn't find out if he was a boy or a girl while I was pregnant. We wanted to be surprised. I had to be induced (which was a very different experience from going on my own). After Doug was born, I shouted at Brian to tell me if he was a boy or a girl. Brian couldn't see initially because the doctor's arm was in the way.
When I saw him, I was taken aback. He was perfect, of course, but he bore a striking resemblance to Jeremy. I loved him immediately. There's something about the third child--with Jeremy I was so overwhelmed with the prospect of having a child that I couldn't feel the love. I took the actions every day to care for him and then, later, my mom told me that was loving him. It was wild to feel the love from the beginning.
Doug was very laid back from the beginning. I struggled to nurse him more than I had with Bekah or Jeremy. I think it was a combination of my weight and having two small kids. Doug also had a bad case of reflux. I would spend an hour feeding him, burp him and he'd spit everything up. I tried everything to help him (including medicine) and it made it a little better, but not by much.
It's tough to write about my struggles with nursing. I am mourning the loss of nursing. I want to be pregnant again so that I can be successful with nursing. I am passionate about nursing--about the health benefits for moms and the health benefits for babies. I tried attending La Leche League meetings and left feeling more frustrated and more alone than when I went. I am frustrated that I was able to nurse Jeremy for so long without issues and struggled so much with Doug.
Doug, for his part, has never minded. Even when he was categorized as Failure to Thrive, he was smiley and happy. I would take him to a monthly check-up and the doctor would tell me Doug had a double ear infection. I would be so taken aback because Doug hadn't been fussier than normal.
He laughs a lot. When you tickle him, he cackles with delight. He didn't start moving around until later than Bekah and Jeremy, but he managed to get everyone to help him. He has a modified crawl (we call it the injured soldier crawl) and it suits him just fine.
He doesn't have a word for me, but he lights up uniquely when he sees me. Tonight, he crawled up to me, patted me on my leg, said "hey," and put his arms up for me to pick him up. I tried to let my friend Lisa hold him. He took one look at her and put his arms out for me. It's tough to have a child not have a name for me, but he does everything he can to show me he loves me.
I love watching him meet new women. He does this thing where he cocks his head to the side and smiles at them. I call it flirting and all of the women at church who watch him in the nursery are smitten. He is starting to get frustrated with his sister because she manhandles him a lot. She acts as if he's her baby. She loves to comfort him when he's sad, help him when he's in trouble, and direct his activities. It makes him a little cuckoo.
My Doug is my Doug. He's a happy little man, even if he can't name any of his family members, or his dogs, or his grandma and grandpa. He loves to shake his booty to the music, investigate my cabinets and shred toilet paper. I think he's going to be a little sneaky, but overall he likes to have things in order. I enjoy having one-on-one time with him because he reciprocates. He just lights up when he and I get to be by ourselves.
I spend a lot of time feeling like I am failing him, but he does everything he can to show me how my love for him bridges the divide.
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