Ugh. As I'm writing this, I'm feeling physically ill. Up to today, I had side-stepped the overeating. I had light fare Thursday, was full last night, but today...just way overdid it.
We put up our Christmas tree today. This is the first year the kids (Bekah and Jeremy) were able to help. It was a lot of fun to see them get so excited.
I haven't been feeling the seasonal jolliness, what with our housing situation being in flux. I cried myself to sleep last night, frustrated about looking at recently-painted walls that I may not enjoy long-term.
I knew that I needed to pull myself together for the kids. They needed me to be present for them. I am normally pretty gung-ho for Christmas; this depression is striking at an odd time.
So we decorated the tree. It is beautiful, really, and I know the kids were proud to be able to help.
I have been trying not to cry in front of the kids because I know it upsets them. It's been tough, though, and every once in a while I find my throat catching.
It happened today, while Bekah and I were alone together. I felt the tears coming and I asked her if she had fun decorating the tree. She nodded yes (fingers in mouth), her lips curling into a huge smile.
The tears came quietly and I told her how much I loved her. I gave her a big hug. When she saw that I was crying, she held out her hands to me and asked "Pray?"
She's seen Brian and I do this numerous times lately. I didn't think she was paying much attention; I should know the girl nicknamed "momma" would be taking it all in. That she knew praying would comfort me stretched my heart.
It's easy to go through trials and become hard-hearted toward God. It seems at times that our prayers are not matching up with what we perceived are God's answers. We pray for our children and find that one of them is terminally ill. We pray for provision and find ourselves struggling financially.
It's easy, then, to think that God has gotten so busy He's not so concerned with our well-being. It's easy to believe that God has abandoned us in the trenches.
Today, have my 3-year-old ask "Pray?," I felt like God was re-focusing me. I felt like he was showing me that he can present Himself in any situation, anywhere, to anyone. It was wonderful to join hands with Bekah and pray.
I watched the last half of 'It's a Wonderful Life' today and I was reminded that no man is poor who has friends. I could add to that, "....who has children who know the power of prayer."
We may continue to struggle for many years to come. I may have no financial inheritance to give to my children. My hope is that they can be richly blessed by a spiritual inheritance. I saw dividends paid on that today and though I am still in a funk, I know that God is listening.
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