Nerves

I am taking a shortcut for this blog entry. There is a writing contest being held for a mother's group to which I belong. I am going to substitute a normal blog entry for this essay. I'm a bundle of nerves right now. The prizes for the contest are major and would go a long way in helping along my book project. Eek.

The focus of the essay is supposed to be "the memories that shaped your ideas about money." I'm quoting from the website press release. Now I'm even more anxious because I don't feel like what I've written has the right focus. I will say, though, that I prayed over it before I sent it. I thought I had sent it and started futzing around with this entry. When I tried to open the Word document file to cut and paste, it brought up the wrong version of the essay. Panicked, I opened my e-mail account only to find I hadn't yet sent the e-mail. After a couple more failed attempts to get the right file, I figured it out and sent the right one. Maybe that's an omen.

(As a side note, I hate these things because I spend time in false hope. I know my writing is strong but I'm also not the only strong writer entering the contest. I psych myself out and usually end up a nervous ball of energy until I find out the results. It's partly why I never did genetic testing for my kids. I had no desire to spend any of my pregnancies in any more discomfort than I needed to be.)

I did not intend to spend my retirement money by the age of 33. I began contributing to my 401k on my dad’s advice, even though I was sometimes struggling to afford groceries. I had a great job at a wonderful company, and retirement seemed like less than a haze at the edge of the horizon. I remember getting statements about my 401k and it was exciting to see the projections--little bars lined up neatly, one taller than the next. I was let go in 2004 but was proud of the money that had accumulated.        

By 2007 Brian and I were married and had our first baby, Jeremy. 2008 held high hopes for our family.  We purchased a home using some of the money I had accumulated and by mid-year were pregnant with Bekah. 2008 also held some lows. Jeremy took a harrowing ride on a Flight for Life helicopter and Brian was diagnosed with kidney cancer.

In 2011, the rest of my 401k paid the filing fees for Chapter 7 bankruptcy. The downturn in the economy and staggering medical bills meant leaning on credit cards. There was no other alternative. I have watched people on TV return to their homes after a tornado has leveled it. As we drove home from bankruptcy court, I had the same despair in my gut that I saw on their faces.

Over the years I’ve observed many natural disasters on TV. It seems like the disasters expose weaknesses in infrastructure. Rebuilding often means that stronger, more durable structures are erected. I’m hopeful the same is true of my disaster. I’ve not started saving again for retirement, but I am building a strong foundation. In time, I will rebuild and this time I’m confident it won’t all come tumbling down.