I'll admit it, I was set up to fail today. Over the past week of vacation my bedtime has been stretching later and later into the wee hours. I've not been really accomplishing anything constructive, like writing purposefully or working on setting goals or anything like that. Nope, I've been catching up on last season's episodes of Mad Men and playing SimCity obsessively.
I knew, when I went to bed last night, that I was going to have to wake up and immediately bake a batch of bread. I usually bake two batches of bread a week. Last week was a little unusual because we had the stomach flu. Typically, when that hits, we eat less of my fiber-rich bread. In any case, we made up for lost time this past weekend.
In a perfect world, I would have been in bed by 11 PM and ready to start my day at like 7 AM. Unfortunately, I went to bed a wee bit later than 11 and my sleep was jostled by the addition of Bekah and Jeremy to our bed. We do not co-sleep, but lately the bad dreams have been hitting Bekah hard. If I'm sleeping and she climbs in bed, I usually don't put her back in her bed.
I will say I'm a little suspicious of the bad dream scenario. Bekah knows this is the foolproof way to gain and keep access to our bed. She is world-renowned at manipulating circumstances to her benefit. The logical conclusion is that, when pressed, she is in our bed because of bad dreams.
I have a hard time sleeping in general, so the addition of another body hampers my ability to sleep even more. Then, for reasons I don't know, Jeremy joined us. Chances are he awoke to find himself alone in his room, got freaked out and came to sleep with us.
By sunrise I had only gotten a fraction of the sleep I should have. The kids were seemingly refreshed, but breakfast had to be delayed so I could make bread (which is what they normally eat for breakfast). On top of this, my brother invited us to go to Monkey Joe's (on his dime) and then we were going to head to Bekah's dance class.
It was going to be a full day but I was excited not to have the kids climb the walls. Monkey Joe's went reasonably well. Bekah and Jeremy love all of the "jumpees," as they call them. Doug spent the whole time walking back and forth among the jumpees. He was happy to have so much open space available to him.
The first sign that something was off should have been that Bekah insisted I watch her on every jumpee. Typically I spend my time at Monkey Joe's chasing Doug; the other two run off and burn energy. Today, she needed to have my full attention. She's always been the hungriest for my attention and the clingiest to me. It's a blessing and a curse, honestly. I am grateful that she wants to be so close to me; at the same time, it's tough to have someone be your shadow all day. I try to remember that one day she'll not want anything to do with me. This usually buys me 5 more minutes of patience.
There were problems when we tried to leave Monkey Joe's. It's not always an issue, but today she was upset that she had to leave to go to dance class. I didn't anticipate this; I figured it would be the perfect impetus to get her out the door. She threw a fit in the bathroom while I was trying to change her.
We arrived at the dance studio and she started telling me she was still hungry. Now, after I finished making the bread, I packed a quite sizable snack/lunch to take with to Monkey Joe's. I had apple slices, veggies, pretzels and peanut butter sandwiches. I also took sippy cups of everyone's beverage. She sat for a while and ate half a peanut butter sandwich, some apple slices, some veggies and pretzels. This is typically how much lunch she eats. I knew she didn't eat breakfast but that usually consists of half a piece of toast.
I told her that she could eat after dance class. Well, I might as well have told her that I was going to drown one of her dogs. She proceeded to start a fit that lasted for about 15-20 minutes. I tried everything, cajoling, bargaining, threatening, everything to get her to participate in dance class. Her dance instructor (whom she loves) also tried to get her involved. Bella, the other student in class, tried to get her involved.
It was no use. I fumed around the studio (because I had to keep an eye on Doug). One of her requests was that I come in and sit in her class with her. This would have been impossible because I still had to keep an eye on Doug and Jeremy. I was furious with her. Not only that, I was starving myself. I had a few veggies and apple slices at Monkey Joe's, but other than that I only had a protein shake for breakfast.
Bella's mom tried to talk to me because she could sense I was overwhelmed. I started crying (I hate crying in public) and just explaining how tough spring break had been. We didn't get out much because 4 of the 5 of us were struck with the stomach flu. We had one playdate and then spent the rest of the week recuperating from the flu. I didn't go out for coffee with anyone, didn't have Bible study, didn't have small group, etc. It was, socially, a drought of a week.
Bekah seemed to calm down but then the wailing increased in volume. Kim (the instructor) didn't know what to do with her. It's not typical Bekah behavior--usually she is super excited to be at and involved in dance class. April offered to drive Bekah home and let me leave but I didn't want to leave Bekah when she was so upset.
So I pulled her out of the class. She's been attending dance for a year and this is the first time I've pulled her out of class. I agonized about it because I wanted her to finish. I want to teach her that we sometimes have to do things even when we don't feel like it. That's been a valuable lesson with many different applications for me. At 4, though, it's tough to try and power through so much emotion.
We left and the anger swelled over. April was nice enough to get Bekah ready to go for me. I loaded Doug into the van, went back and got the big kids and off we went. The kids have been watching How to Train Your Dragon in the van for a few weeks (nonstop). I pulled the DVD out, turned the radio on and ordered Bekah to be quiet.
I don't know if I was more angry with myself or with her. Typically I feel it's foolish to be angry with a 4-year-old. I find that it's my expectations that cause me to get angry. I know that there are some things I can expect from her; my expectations tend to reach over her abilities. I try to find the balance between pushing her to do better (because I know she can) and not setting the bar too high.
It's a tough job and one at which I often fail. I am not sure if Monkey Joe's was the best call or not. If I was basing it on past experience alone, I don't think I made a poor decision. We don't typically stay more than an hour or so--today was no different. The kids were hungry--I brought plenty of food and drink to make sure they got filled up. Bekah was needy--luckily, my brother was there to help keep an eye on Doug so I could pay attention to her.
Was Bekah's mood at the dance studio hampered by my fuming? Could I have done a better job defusing the situation if I used tenderness instead of anger? Was the underlying issue a lack of sleep, would more sleep have caused me to have better perspective? I don't know. Should I have let April bring Bekah home?
Yeah, I would have to mark "I don't know" to all of those questions. I have no idea what precipitated her outburst today and I probably won't ever know. I am sure, though, that next week I will make sure we all have plenty of sleep and plenty to eat before we try to tackle dance class again.
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