Caught Looking

I spend most of my time paying attention to Doug and Jeremy. Between keeping track of them physically, keeping track of their therapy appointments and managing their outbursts, they are on my mind most of the time.

Bekah, however, doesn't require a lot of my time. Lately, I've had to keep more of an eye on her. She has started insisting that she is big and strong enough to carry Doug around. The phrase I say most at my house is "Bekah, put your brother down. Rebekah! Put him down!"

Bekah has one appointment to remember--dance class. We started last year at Summers Academy in Crystal Lake. Her class is named Baby Starrs. They spend the sessions learning tap, jazz and ballet. It's an hour and she loves it.

Her first recital was last year. She did a jazz routine to the song "Sugar Pie, Honey Bunch." It was a jazz routine. By recital time, even I knew the routine. She asked me all the time to play the song for her. She practiced all the time. It was adorable, to have her do the routine at my parent's house, at our house, at the park.

We were all excited about it, but I think Brian was the most excited. He loves having a daughter and absolutely treats her like the princess that she is. For him, the dance recital was the pinnacle of being the daddy with a daughter. He was looking forward to the pink costume, to the flowers, to the frivolity.

And then tragedy struck. His Uncle Rick passed away suddenly. He had been unwell for a while, but we weren't expecting him to pass. Uncle Rick was like a father to Brian. Stacey, Brian's cousin, asked Brian to be a pallbearer. So he made the trek to Michigan to pay his final respects to Rick. He was happy to be present for that event, but he was devastated to miss Bekah's dance recital.

It threw us all for a loop, him not being here. I was able to take Bekah to her friend's house. She was also in the recital and so we got the girls ready together. The lights went down in the auditorium and when Bekah and her classmates came onstage, there were oohs and aahs from everyone in the crowd.

She did great, although there was a spot in the routine where she got distracted by the lights on the back of the stage. It was so cute, though, to see her taking in the whole stage. She was darling and everyone clapped and it was a great time.

This year was a bit different. Bekah only had one other classmate. Actually, for a while there were two other girls but by the beginning of this year it was just Bekah and Bella. They were in the same class at their preschool as well. Bella's mom and I got a chance to know each other better. It was really quite nice to have have semi-private lessons for both the girls.

This year was different in other ways. Kym, the girls' teacher, decided that this year's routine would be a tap routine to the tune "New York, New York." Bekah, who is usually unflappable in dance class, spent a few dance classes being ornery and emotional. I didn't know (and still don't) what was going on. I did my best to console her. We even left early from class one day.

She never asked for me to play her music, to practice, to do the routine in front of anyone. She seemed distracted in class and seemed to struggle to remember her routine.

There was a lot of excitement about her recital this year, but honestly I was worried too. They hold the recital at the Raue Theater in Crystal Lake. It's an actual theater, with a big stage and everything. It's intimidating for me and I've never even performed on a stage before.

Dress rehearsal was a few days ago and they were able to run through the routine a few times. Bekah seemed okay but distracted. I get choked up when I see her go through the routine. I am amazed that at 4 years old she can learn and remember the moves to an entire routine. We're not talking a complicated routine, but still!

Kym kept telling the girls, just keep dancing. Even during class she would tell them to just keep dancing--if they forgot the moves they should just keep moving. The girls did so with varying results. Usually they just looked like deer frozen in the headlights.

Leading up to her recital, I took her to the Cosmetology school in town to get her hair and makeup done. I had muddled through for dress rehearsal, but I wanted her to look professional. After she was done, I sent her to my parent's house so she wouldn't get mussed fighting with her brother. I had to drive Doug to my friend Lisa's house. She had volunteered to watch Doug so we wouldn't have to pay for a ticket for him.

We had talked to Jeremy about the recital. He knew that he was going to have to at least see Bekah. We promised him that after Bekah performed he could leave and play on the iPad. He at first wasn't keen on it at all but grew to be okay with it. We traded Bekah for Jeremy and went to take her to the recital.

We got our programs and found out that she wasn't performing until close to intermission. We weren't sure how Jeremy was going to act but honestly, he was a champ. He did exclaim rather loudly at one point that he thought everyone was going to be bad. It was pretty funny. He kept looking for her to come out on stage. I had butterflies for her; I'm not sure how she felt because I had to leave her backstage with the teachers and other dancers.

And then the time came. Out walked Kym, in the darkness, leading Bekah and Bella to their spots. The lights came up and the music started playing. Bella froze (I found out later she was frustrated by her gloves. They had feathers on them and she was really bothered by them), but Bekah danced.

She was amazing.

She remembered a lot of the dance and what she didn't remember she improvised. The crowd responded by applauding wildly for her. It was one of the best moments parenting Bekah. Ever. She tried, at the appropriate point in the routine, to get Bella to do a kick line with her. Bella couldn't be convinced, so Bekah soldiered on by herself.

She absolutely killed it. I was laughing and crying and clapping and hugging Brian and generally just soaking in one of the happiest moments of my life. Everyone around us was complimenting her. It was so wild to witness this moment in her life. She was unflappable. There was a moment in the routine when I could tell she had forgotten the moves. I don't think anyone else in the room noticed, but she stopped and looked down at her shoes. I knew, then, that she had forgotten what came next. She could have run off the stage but she didn't. She added in a few repeated steps until she could remember what came next. It was unbelievable.

I could barely stay in my seat after that and I still had the rest of the recital to sit through. I sent Brian and Jeremy off after the intermission. They had to go retrieve Doug and get him to bed. I went to visit the ladies' room and I had to stop myself from telling everyone that the little girl who stole the show was my daughter. I wasn't claiming the glory. I simply wanted people to know how proud I was of her.

That wasn't even the coolest part.

Nope, that happened at the end of the show. After the finale everyone came out and took a final bow--all of the classes, one by one, paraded out and took a bow. When Bekah and Bella came out, the applause was thunderous. It was bigger applause than any other class had received. I was a crazy mess, clapping and crying and shouting. I couldn't wait to go retrieve her.

And then, I got her. I immediately told her how proud I was of her. She had been most excited about getting flowers after the show. She's actually been practicing receiving flowers. She's been putting on piano recitals (really, plunking at the keys and singing Twinkle, Twinkle Little Star loudly and off-key) at my parent's house. After she's done, she asks that we throw a fake rose at her when she's taking a bow.

Understandably, she was even more aware of and excited for flowers after her actual recital. Brian and I bought her some roses and my parents bought her a big bouquet as well. Weighted down by her bouquets, we started making our way out of the theater. No less than 10 people stopped her to tell her what a great job she did. She smiled and handled it like a pro. I had her say "thank you," but she was too busy beaming from ear to ear.

It didn't stop there. She asked that I take her picture with her flowers, so I did. We walked outside and I took more pictures. We walked to my parent's car and while we were driving home we chatted. She wanted to know why I wasn't sitting in front of her while she danced. I explained to her that I wasn't in the front row but I was in front of her. I told her that I clapped so loud for her, that I was shouting and crying and so proud of her.

I'm crying now, thinking about it. I was giddy for a long time last night. I couldn't stop smiling and loving on her. I gave her a big hug and Jeremy managed to snap a picture of it on my phone. It's an awesome picture because not only was I hugging her but she was clinging to me. It was better than the dancing, better than the applause. It was a girl and her momma loving each other.

I can't take credit for any of it. I was never a performer, I never had "grease paint in my veins," as my dad so aptly put it. This is something I don't understand but I completely respect. I am happy to be able to facilitate the development of this wonderful talent. I am happy to drive her to dance class and get her hair and makeup done. I am happy to help but I can't take any credit. All I can do is cry and clap and act like a fool.

Luckily, it seems like I'm really good at that.