Hostages

I am an extrovert. I love to talk to people, I love to be around people, I love to meet new people, I love being out of my house among people. If I am tired before doing any of these things, I am energized afterward. If I am gloomy or depressed or overwhelmed, doing any of these things will temporarily lift my mood and set me on a better path. If I have anxiety or am nervous, doing any of these things will help ease that out of my being.

As a mom of three small kids, though, I am not able to get out to do these things on my own. I am fortunate to have a husband who understands me. He is great about letting me out of the house to go for a run, meet a friend for coffee or attend a meeting with my moms group. However, he is only home for a couple of hours a day. He works quite a distance from our home and his commute is quite long.

Meanwhile, if I want to be among other adult people I have to take my small people along with me. I have been on countless play dates to different locations. I always enjoy meeting a friend and her kids at a park and chatting while the kids play.

The fly in the ointment has always been Jeremy. I have discussed at length how his diagnosis and symptoms can seem anti-social, even aggressive. I have witnessed them first-hand. We were at a friend's house a few years ago and he threw a train at one of his friends. In Jeremy's mind it was justifiable. I obviously corrected the behavior but the damage was done. A few months after that, while at his other friend's birthday party, he scratched his friend's face. We didn't know about this incident until later so we were unable to correct the behavior immediately. This was, according to Jeremy, one of his best friends.

Over the past couple of years, we have explained to Jeremy time and again that his behavior was going to lead to him not being invited places. This is something he couldn't understand, something I couldn't convince him of.

I, on the other hand, have seen the invitations to play dates all but dry up. I'm Jeremy's mom. He is my flesh and blood. It absolutely breaks my heart that we are not invited to people's houses as frequently anymore. My feelings absolutely get hurt because I know he's not being invited to parties. I absolutely want to knock on people's doors and beg for another chance, beg for them to see past his behaviors.

But I don't. And I can't. And that breaks my heart even more. I love these friends of his and their families. I have spent time with their children and have affection for them. If my son was having a train chucked at him, I wouldn't rush to invite that friend over again. I would avoid any attempt to cultivate future play dates. It would break my heart to have to explain that, for my son's safety, I can't allow him to play with your child.

There is a part of me that wishes Jeremy could correlate the consequences of the lack of play dates with his negative behavior. In the past week, he has gotten two notes sent home because of extremely negative behavior. Today the note explained that he pushed his friends. When I asked him which friend, he mentioned the name of a girl who has been very kind to him both at school and AWANA. I was outraged! I admonished him for what he did, I sent him to his room (away from me and Bekah, which is where he always wants to be) and I had to stop myself from digging out the e-mail address of the girl's mom, to apologize to her for Jeremy's behavior.

I can't learn that lesson for him, though. It's going to be one he'll hopefully figure out on his own. It's unfortunate that he's already burned so many bridges because he's only in kindergarten. My hope is that as he continues to receive help, he will be able to change his behavior and seek to mend relationships.

Meanwhile, I have had an epiphany. It's tough to be Jeremy's mom in this situation. I am 35 and I understand, sometimes slowly, when I am getting the brush-off. This is not about how other moms have treated me--this post is speaking to the realization that Jeremy's behavior is robbing me of opportunities to be social. I see now that it must be difficult to tell a friend that you can't allow your child to be around their child. It's easier to just avoid eye contact, make bland excuses, to be cordial but detached.

It's because the time we spend alone, just as moms, is so brief that makes this situation difficult for someone like me. If I want to spend more time with another mom, more than likely I'm going to spend time with a mom whose kids are compatible with mine. Time spent out after hours, if you will, with other moms is going to grow out of the time you spend with those same moms.

Anyone who talks to me knows I'm insanely scheduled. I am a part of the McHenry Chapter of Mothers & More, attend MOPS, attend church and am part of another fellowship. I am connected in every possible way. There are few nights, if any, in a week when I am not busy. I do this because it gives me more opportunities to meet other moms, to get out of the house, to do the things that energize, calm and focus me. Now that Jeremy is in school all day, I figure it's more likely that I can fellowship with other moms. It's still a tough thing because Bekah attends preschool 5 days a week, but it gives me more chances to get out of the house and at interacting with other adults.

This is not meant to be a morose post. I am just starting to understand that while the consequences of Jeremy's behavior effect me, they are not caused by me. I am not Jeremy's puppetmaster. I can't control him or his behavior. I am seeing this more clearly than I ever have before.

I will not, however, let Jeremy's behavior take me completely hostage. I treasure the friendships I've made over the past couple of years. I appreciate that not everyone is going to be a confidante. I have taken even more advantage of the moms programs offered locally. I get out at night whenever I can.

Tonight was a great example. Jeremy came home with this note about his behavior. He was acting surly and brooding and I felt really overwhelmed. I talked to Brian about it for a while. I brooded about it for a while. Then, I was fortunate enough to have to attend a budget meeting for one of my mom's groups. I was afraid I wasn't going to be able to maintain my composure. I don't have answers about Jeremy's behavior and I feel powerless and weak.

The reality was I never mentioned Jeremy while at this meeting. I was happy to have a distraction, to have two other adult women with whom to interact. I was grateful I didn't have to put my own kids to bed. I was grateful to see my friend and her husband struggle (a bit) to get their kids to bed. I was able to have a conversations that wasn't punctuated with screams and fighting for which I was responsible to quell.

It was a little slice of heaven, honestly. I am already counting the hours until Friday night when I will join other moms to play Bunco. Hopefully I'll have my voice back by then (my real voice, not my sultry French-cafe singing voice). I will continue to pray fervently that Jeremy can make a connection between his behavior and it's consequences. I will pray that God will bring someone into his life who can help him. I will pray that God will give his educators and Brian and me wisdom about how to deal with him.

Meanwhile, I will spend as much time as possible with other moms not talking about him. I will go out and not worry about how bedtime goes. I will enjoy my friends' company and not apologize for the umpteenth time for my son's behavior. When I do have the chance to take him on a playdate, I will pray for peace. I will do what I can to help mitigate Jeremy's behavior but otherwise I will let him be and I will chat.

It's taken me a long time to articulate all of this. I've come to some peace about it but that doesn't entirely remove the sting of Jeremy being rejected. I guess I'll have to pray about that as well.