"Those things'll kill you, you know that?"
The sun was in my eyes but I knew who it was. I shook my head as I exhaled, a cloud of blue smoke trailing into the morning haze. He was wearing his lopsided grin and carrying two cups of coffee. As I studied him I could see my friend Gina walk up behind him, bleary-eyed. Once she realized who it was, she scurried back to our room.
I accepted the coffee, glad for something warm, and flicked ash off the side of the porch.
"Why are you up so early?" I asked, taking a sip of coffee.
"Unlike you, I didn't stay up all night talking. I went to sleep at a reasonable hour and got up early. Chris and I went for a hike." He took a sip of coffee and brushed the smoke away with his hand.
I took a drag and leaned my head against his shoulder. "I was all set to go to bed. Had to have one more smoke before brushing my teeth. Ended up in a long-term conversation with some of the girls."
"Any of it about me?" The lopsided grin was back, his hazel eyes twinkling. Some of it had been but I wasn't going to give him the satisfaction.
Jimmy and I had known each other for several years. He was someone new friends would frequently lust after. I could see it. Dirty blond hair, just shy of six feet, an easy smile and he was in decent shape. There had been a time, maybe, that I could have seen it but now he was more a brother than anything else.
Gina, on the other hand, would rather have been sucked into a wormhole than have him see her looking disheveled and freshly awakened. I shook my head just thinking about it.
"No, stupid, none of it about you. It was all important, meaningful conversation."
The reality was that it had mostly been fits of giggles, the four of us doubled over reliving painful memories. It seemed crazy that pain made us giggle but it worked. One of the girls, Shayna, had started off in tears and by the end her abs hurt from laughing so hard.
Jimmy took another sip of coffee, then made a motion to leave. I held his arm. "Don't leave. Just sit here until I wake up a bit."
He pointed to my smoke. "Put it out, then. The smoke is awful."
I crushed the rest of the cigarette into the steps, blowing one more steady stream of smoke into the morning. I half-stood and tossed my butt into the coffee can, which was already overflowing.
"Done." I sat back down next to him, cupping my coffee. The weather had started to change from languid to crisp. I relished this time of year, loved starting to add layers to my wardrobe. I wore a strict uniform of comfy jeans and t-shirts, sometimes punctuating my outfit with an oversized sweater. I never had been comfortable with the curves my body sprouted so I liked to keep bulky clothes on to hide things away.
I am not obese but I refuse to starve myself to lose the last 15 pounds. I lost a lot of weight but realized I hated fashion for the thin. I still wore jeans and t-shirts a size too big.
We were on a retreat that weekend, away from the suburbs but not away from civilization. I had planned to go for a run that morning but crashing at 3 AM meant my phone was abused for ringing the alarm at 7. I know it's foolish to smoke and run but I never do it at the same time.
Jimmy is the only one who laughs at that joke.
"I thought you quit smoking. I thought we went out for ice cream to celebrate that you were quit for 3 months." His voice whined a bit and he tried to disguise it with a cough. I knew he worried about me and it made me feel even guiltier for having started again.
"I did quit smoking. We did celebrate. Then that jerk...." My voice trailed off. I kicked the stairs for emphasis. "I figured it was the lesser of two evils that I pick these back up again."
The silence was strained. I knew he remembered the texts he got from me after Michael had left. (Michael, he insisted I couldn't call him Mike. I laughed when I first heard that until I realized his brown eyes were not.) He wasn't my usual type and I thought that was in his favor. We were on our third break-up. Ridiculous, I know. Very Sweet Valley High.
"I hope that's the last time I'll get those kind of texts from you." He was laser-focused on his coffee but I could see his jaw tighten. I rubbed his back, feeling his muscles tense.
"I hope so, too," I said quietly, staring off into the distance. "I hope so, too."
We sat there for a few moments, our knees touching, my hand on his back. More people started pouring out of their rooms. I didn't know how to fill up the silence, so I sipped my coffee and played with my pack of smokes.
Gina reappeared, looking more like she normally did; hair done, make-up in place, jeans and a t-shirt. We even each other out because she usually wears clothes that accentuate the curves she has. It works for her, really. She and I had known each other since we both dried out. We both had brown hair and eyes but other than that we looked nothing alike. We really would never have been friends before, we say that all the time. When she talks about what she was like, I am certain I would have kicked her skinny ass multiple times.
She walked up to us wearing a huge smile. "Good morning, guys, how are you doing?" I was pretty sure Jimmy knew she was trying too hard but to his credit he let it go.
"Good morning, Gina," he said, unbending his legs and standing up. I followed suit.
"Morning, Gina. Don't you look lovely this morning." My voice was syrupy and it had the effect I wanted--Gina turned a bright crimson. Her eyes narrowed as Jimmy turned to look at me.
"I'll see you later. Hope we end up in breakout groups together." I watched him walk away, then realized Gina was watching me.
"You're such a bitch." She punched me in the arm as we started walking toward the mess hall. We fell into step together, listening to the crunch of leaves beneath our feet. "Why do you have to torture me?"
"Because it's fun and because you're ridiculous. If you want, I can ask him after study hall if he likes you." I took a wide step away from her to avoid being punched again.
We ate breakfast in silence, both of us trying to wake up and knock the cobwebs loose. Other women sat down at our table and we participated in conversation in monosyllabic tones. I have never enjoyed mornings, though to be fair usually I had still been out when morning was breaking.
It had been bizarre to see dawn sober. The first time was with Jimmy, at another retreat. We started sharing our stories and then started talking about our families. I had fought back yawns until I looked at my phone and realized it was almost five in the morning. I remember startling, thinking I had to hurry home. He laughed at me, reminding me that I wasn't in trouble and hadn't blacked out. Sheepishly, I sat back down and we watched the sun start to peek out over the treeline.
I had seen other sunrises, mostly with Michael, mostly after long nights of arguing and talking. I am still not sure why I had thought it would work with him. I felt like I had something to prove. I had serially dated before I met him. I am snobbish when it comes to men. They must have an advanced handle on the English language, they have to have an extensive knowledge of indie rock, they must have a steady paying job (musicians were out by default) and they must have a sense of humor.
I let Michael slide on a few categories. I convinced myself I was being too elitist. It had been pointed out to me, first by my sponsor and then by Gina that the list of men who met those criteria was minuscule. I agreed to go out on a date with Michael almost as a dare.
He hadn't been all bad but the good stuff was few and far between. I'm not self-loathing but I am an optimist, so I stuck with him thinking I would miss the good stuff if I left too soon. I realized I didn't like myself when I went back to him the third time. There was no good reason. I was horny and he was there. I ran into him at the grocery store and we both abandoned our carts to go to my place.
It was the worst feeling, waking up in bed next to him stone cold sober. I couldn't blame my poor judgement on the drink because there hadn't been any. I made a mental note to take more cold showers and watch fewer hot male celebrities on TV and in films.
I think we both knew it had been a royal mistake. The man had no sense of humor to speak of, his texts were full of errors and he had fallen asleep during a performance of Edward Sharp and the Magnetic Zeros. It was more than I could handle.
It got ugly that time, though, as we sat across from each other in my breakfast nook. I had made scrambled eggs and toast for breakfast (I figured it was the least I could do). We spoke in clipped sentences, the words falling hard and flat between us.
What killed me was that he had trolled for me. He let it slip that he had broken up with someone and in his sorrow went to the grocery store, knowing I would be there. It wasn't kismet, as I had stupidly thought. It was desperation and I was so pissed that I hadn't smelled it on him.
It was more than I could handle and I kicked him out before he could finish his coffee. I threw his boot at the wall opposite my door for emphasis. I slid down the door after I slammed it and started sobbing. I hate to cry and I hated that I was crying over such a stupid man.
Jimmy texted me a half-hour later. I had already been out to buy cigarettes and was sitting on my balcony when I got the message. I texted him back and we made plans to go out to dinner that night to chat. He ended up spending the night, insisting after I broke down in tears because the restaurant was out of feta cheese. He tucked me in and I heard him stretch out on my couch.
It was a weak moment and I almost called out to him. I was lonely and sad and wanted affection. It took all my remaining energy to quash the urge. I knew that wasn't fair to him or to me.
I contemplated all of this as I nibbled on a piece of toast and studied him across the cafeteria. He caught me staring and half-waved.
"C'mon, Gina, let's go have a smoke." I looked at Gina and then realized she had been in the middle of a conversation. I sat back down, feeling my face start to burn. "Sorry, I didn't realize you were talking."
"I'll be there in a minute, " she said, flicking her eyes toward a slight woman sitting at her side.
I gathered up our plates and headed up to the counter. I sorted everything into it's receptacle, then fished in my sweater pocket for my smokes and lighter. I headed outside, put a cigarette to my lips and flicked my lighter.
I sat on a picnic table and smoked, watching people exit the mess hall. Some of them smiled and waved. I waved back, inhaling every once in a while. The sun had started warming up and I slid my sweater off, laying it across my lap. I looked up to see Michael walking toward me. I did my best to study the pills on my sweater but my ears started turning red.
"Hi, Hannah." His voice was soft but it made my muscles tense.
I looked away. "Hello, Michael." I put out my cigarette and stood up.
I had known he was going to be here. I had talked extensively to Gina about it and decided I wasn't going to let him being there keep me away. This is why I had wanted her to come with me and why I insisted that Jimmy sit with me that morning. I was terrified that I would start crying. I didn't want to give him the satisfaction.
"How are you doing?" He cocked his head and put his hand on my arm. My stomach dropped and started churning. I wanted to light another cigarette but didn't want to signal I was anxious.
I wasn't sure how to answer his question. I still didn't completely understand why I had been so upset by our break-up. I was frustrated that my emotions were all out of whack. I felt like some lovelorn teenager and there wasn't really any reason. We weren't compatible. It wasn't his fault, it was mine. I was stupid, I was vulnerable, I let my hormones rule. I tried to brush off his hand while wracking my brain for a good response.
"Um, I'm okay. Been busy with work. Tried to make sure I was all caught up before I headed up here. I wanted to make sure I didn't have any outstanding issues before I left. I mean, outstanding work issues. Work. I didn't want to have work on my mind." Fantastic. Rather than sounding confident I sounded like a nervous teenager. It was as if I was walking into a lake and discovered a steep drop-off. All of a sudden I was flailing my arms and gasping for air. Wonderful.
He let his fingers slip a bit and I took the opportunity to take a step back, forgetting that the picnic table was just behind me. I toppled backwards and ended up falling on my ass, scraping my elbow on the table on the way down.
Luckily, before he could swoop in to save me Jimmy strode up to the table. I could tell that he wanted to laugh but was biting his lip to stop himself. I made eye contact as a way to plead with him to save me.
"All right, lady, on your feet." He pulled me up and nudged Michael out of the way all at the same time. I could've kissed him.
Michael attempted to intervene but Jimmy manhandled me away. I stopped him twenty feet away so I could inspect my elbow and brush the leaves and debris off my butt. It wasn't until I looked up again that I realized he was silently shaking.
"Oh, laugh it up creep! I can't believe you're laughing at my pain." My emotions were twisted and I fought back tears. I knew it was funny but my ego had suffered more than my elbow. My pride was trying to convince me to stomp off but I reached out and punched him instead. I winced and this just made him laugh harder.
"Hannah, seriously, you can't fault me for this. I come walking out of the cafeteria and all I see is you falling ass first off the picnic table. I knew I had to save you from him but I was trying so hard not to laugh out loud."
I pouted. "Blah. Asshole cornered me. I was trying to act cool and I end up falling on my ass."
(Okay, I'm not sure where this is going but I will have to continue it another night.)
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