I put on my sweater in a huff and tied the belt around me. I stood there with my arms crossed, watching Jimmy nearly fall over with laughter. After several beats a smile broke on my face and I started chuckling.
"Okay, idiot. It's not that hilarious but it is kind of funny, I'll give you that." I studied a cuticle while Jimmy straightened up and wiped the corner of his eye.
"You have never been good at acting cool, Hannah. Just concede that. It never works, I've seen you try and it never works."
He wasn't wrong. I was a spaz at heart. It was my least favorite attribute about myself. The only time I could play it cool was with several slugs of tequila warming in my gullet. Then I was Marlene Dietrich in jeans, able to lure men in with a raised eyebrow. This was fantastic except that in the ensuing days I couldn't stay sufficiently inebriated to maintain my cool. It became an ongoing attempt to keep the spaz at bay and it was like fighting the urge to vomit when sick with the stomach flu. It was painful for me and I'm sure painful to watch.
I thought about this as we walked back toward a squat building on the edge of the campus. Jimmy occasionally let out a chuckle and shook his head. I rubbed my elbow absentmindedly and fidgeted with my pack of smokes.
Later, after dinner, I let Gina inspect my elbow in the privacy of our room. I winced as she cleaned it out, biting back tears. She filled up the time by reminding me how ill-fated she thought my relationship with Michael was going to be. There are many things I love about Gina, but this is not one of them. She has a compulsive need to be right. I felt too deflated to argue and I sat there like a balloon a week after a party, listless and flat.
My phone chimed and I grabbed it as she put the band-aid on me. It was Jimmy, wondering if I would prefer Settlers of Catan over the bonfire. Under normal circumstances I prefer dark woods and flames. I knew, though, that chances were good that Michael would be at the fire. I texted back that I would meet him in the conference room. I quickly relayed his message to Gina. I could sense the conflict flash in her eyes.
Jimmy had this effect on her and I didn't really understand it. For as much as I had acted a fool in front of Michael, Gina turned into a bigger fool around Jimmy. Much as I loved her it was painful to watch. I knew she was torn between staying by my side and saving her dignity.
"I don't mind if you go to the bonfire." I placed my hand on her knee. "Really, go. I know Shayna could use the company and it will give you a chance to catch up on gossip. Honestly, it's okay."
Her shoulders drooped with relief. "Only if you're sure?"
I knew she was being polite and I tapped her knee again. "Go, really. You know where to find me."
She spent a few minutes adjusting her hair and make-up. I couldn't understand why, as she was going to be spending time in the dark in front of a blazing fire. But then, this was the Gina that I would have previously flattened. I shook my head and pulled my boots on. We walked toward the door together. She gave my shoulder a squeeze as she set off down the trail to the bonfire.
I watched her walk away, sad that we wouldn't be spending more time together. I cursed myself for the thousandth time and headed toward the conference room. It was located in a building toward the entrance to the grounds. It had two wings heading off in different directions. The wings adjoined the building and met on the sides of the room. It had a fireplace, cement floors and an industrial grey paint on the walls. Tables lined the room and were filled with all sorts of snacks. The selection was best on Friday night. It was late Saturday and the only things left were bits and pieces of beef jerky, off-brand chips and the odd cookies in the butter cookie assortment.
My eyes browsed the tables but decided on staying away. I saw Jimmy setting up the game and noticed the usual suspects. Jack was there, his dark hair falling across his eyes. At six feet he could have been a looker except that his face was covered with acne scars. I had never heard him utter more than a few sentences at a time.
Chris, on the other hand, was always chatty. His scruffy brown hair never seemed to want to cooperate. His green eyes looked a little like marbles, always catching the light. He and I weren't close but with Jimmy being a mutual friend we ended up spending a lot of time together.
I was almost at the table before I noticed Jason. My stomach did a flip and I fought the urge to turn and run as Gina had done that morning. Jason was my kryptonite. I couldn't explain it and had endured endless ribbing from Jimmy for it. My body had an innate physical response when I was around Jason. It was annoying the way my palms started sweating, my mouth dried out and a bead of sweat broke out on my upper lip. It was as if the water in my body went haywire when I laid eyes on him.
God had done well with him. 6'2", dark hair, light brown eyes. Ridiculous eyelashes that were wasted on someone of his gender. He had one dimple and insisted on winking at me. I was convinced that he and Jimmy secretly guffawed over my reaction the first time he did it, thus ensuring that he would keep doing it. He was beautiful and I'm sure underneath his clothes were toned muscles. I tried to shake that image from my brain as I pulled out a chair and sat down.
"Hey, Hannah." Jack shook his hair out of his eyes as he said hello. I always thought he would benefit from a well-placed bobby pin.
"Hey, Jack. Are you enjoying the retreat?" I tried to start a conversation with him. I could feel Jason's eyes on the side of my face and I was certain there was a small smile on his lips. "I didn't see you much this afternoon."
"Yeah, I started not feeling well after breakfast and decided to go lie down for a bit." He wiped his nose with his sleeve as if on cue. "I made it to dinner and the late meeting, but I snuck in late and sat in the back."
Jimmy walked up to the table, wiping his hands with a paper towel. He pulled out a chair next to me and sat down between Jason and me. I relaxed in my seat a bit, hiding myself a little.
"Okay, everyone, lets get down to business." We all started grabbing cards and settling in for the game.
Settlers of Catan is a game most similar to Risk. It's a board game and requires some strategy. I had only started playing it at Jimmy's insistence and though much of my skill relied on chance, I enjoyed it. For the guys it sometimes became a bloodsport and that worked to my advantage. I usually hated exploiting my female traits but I wasn't above unbuttoning a button or fidgeting with my tongue ring to get what I wanted.
This usually caused Jimmy to glare at me across the table. His friends weren't attracted to me per se, but a flash of breast still reduced them to quivering masses. He considered this cheating. I enjoyed him sitting next to me because I knew he wouldn't be able to glare at me. I'm sure he would throw an elbow but I knew I could duck out of the way. Plus, with Jason on the other side of him, I wouldn't be as susceptible to the winking. This was how Jason got his way and I hated that it made my stomach do involuntary flips.
I knew the four of them got together often to play the game. I wasn't usually invited because I had the wrong parts. This was fine with me, mostly. It had become a special treat to play while at the retreat.
I reached into my pocket and put an earbud into my ear. I loved to listen to music but mostly I did it to annoy Jimmy. I hummed along with the music and it drove him to distraction. As a bonus, he was known to make poor moves as the evening (and humming) went on.
The start of the game takes a long time. I try to only stay up late one night of the retreat, the night we play the game. It was a poor move on my part to have been up so late the night before. I knew I would pay for it at work on Monday morning. There wasn't much talking as we studied the board, looking for the best place to set our pieces. Every once in a while someone entered the room trolling for snacks. Sometimes they'd even come over and watch for a few minutes, chewing as they studied the board.
Night wore on and I insisted on a smoke break. Jack rose from the table at the same time I did. Jimmy gave a loud sigh as a signal of disgust. I ignored him and followed Jack outside. The weather had turned much colder since I left our room. I pulled my sweater around me but my hands were still shaking as I tried to light my cigarette.
"Here, take my sweatshirt." I hadn't noticed Jack watching me. Really I hardly noticed Jack at all. It wasn't cruel, he just wasn't on my radar. "I insist, really."
I would have normally fought him but I was shivering hard. "Thanks so much," I mustered, as I gripped the cigarette in my teeth and slipped on his sweatshirt. My eyes started burning as I hastily zipped myself up.
"You're the best, dude," I said, and squeezed his arm. I wasn't sure because the light was bad, but I was fairly certain I saw him turn pink. I was so busy contemplating this that I almost missed the shadowy figure approaching the back porch. At the last minute, I had a flash of recognition and pushed Jack in front of me.
A sound escaped from Jack's throat but he allowed himself to be a human shield. He waved at Michael half-heartedly as Michael retreated to his room. I exhaled, realizing I had been holding my breath. I stepped away from Jack and ducked my head.
"I am sorry about that, Jack. I didn't...." I wasn't even sure how to finish the sentence. "Thank you. I appreciate you letting me hide. I'm not usually such a mess."
His eyes were kind, I realized, as I let a steady stream of blue smoke wisp into the night. He shrugged and turned pink again. We stood there, smoking, listening to the crickets and the distant happy noises of the bonfire.
I made a move to give him his sweatshirt back as we returned to the game. He put his hand up and shook his head. I gave him a quick hug and sat back down.
The game progressed, slowly, until Jimmy dominated most of the board. A few bad trades perpetrated by Jason's winking meant I probably wasn't going to win. This upset me. I had grown up a tomboy. I played on all-male sports teams. Boys (or men) usually didn't cause me to lose my edge. I had always been competitive, on the field or at board games. I hated to lose and so I was fuming, angry at myself for allowing Jason's stupid dimple and eyelashes to unnerve me.
It was after 3 when Jimmy finally won. I excused myself as I had spent the previous half-hour yawning non-stop. I knew the guys would probably be up a couple more hours but appreciated that they needed me not to be there.
I smoked another cigarette on the way back to my dorm. We weren't supposed to smoke and walk but it was late and I figured no one would know. I realized I still had Jack's sweatshirt and made a mental note to return it in the morning. I pulled it around me as I looked up at the sky. Out here, away from the cars, the sky seemed to work harder at showing off. I didn't know many constellations but searched for one of the dippers. I contemplated smoking a second cigarette but could barely feel my fingers.
After brushing my teeth and pulling on my pajamas, I padded softly into the room I was sharing with Gina. She was already hidden beneath blankets and I could hear her snore gently. I crossed over to my bed and pulled my covers up to my chin. Mercifully, sleep was on me before I could spend too much time thinking about Michael.
Sunday morning came too quickly. I always skipped breakfast on Sunday morning, opting for a cup of coffee and a quiet cigarette instead. People bustled around me, preparing to go home. Upon returning from the cafeteria I found Gina in front of the mirror, hair wet.
"Hey, you. I didn't hear you come in last night."
"Nope. The game took forever and I was beat. You were already asleep when I crawled into bed." I started pulling my clothes out of drawers and shoving them into my duffel bag. Gina's suitcase was laid out on her bed, neatly packed.
"Thanks again for insisting I go to the bonfire. We had a great time. I missed you, but it was still fun." She turned back to the mirror.
I curled up on my bed and laid my head on the pillow.
"Oh, no. Don't you dare. Get up right now. Keep moving. You can sleep tonight." She stood over me, hands on her hips.
I slogged through the end of the retreat. Two late nights had done me in. I did my best to shake hands and give out hugs, but mostly I hid behind my sunglasses and kept checking the time on my phone. Gina noticed and swatted my hand. I sighed, rubbing my temples.
I tried to keep an eye out for Jack. I had his sweatshirt draped over my arm and my eyes roved the crowd of people saying goodbye. I caught a glimpse of Jimmy and started over to see him. Out of the corner of my eye I spotted Michael coming toward me. I grimaced and dove into a gaggle of people. I hoped Michael was on the hunt for someone else and doubled back to meet up with Gina.
"What was that about? Whose sweatshirt is that?" Her eyebrows were raised above her oversized sunglasses. The effect was comical.
"Bah. It's Jack's sweatshirt. He let me use it last night because I was cold. I saw Jimmy, so I was going to walk over and hand it off to him. On my way over, I caught a glimpse of Michael and didn't want to deal with him." I was glad for my sunglasses as I felt a catch in my throat and my eyes threatened to tear. I stroked my elbow absentmindedly as I told Gina the story about the night before.
"Wow. Jack saved your ass. Knowing you? My god, you would have ended up with a broken leg." She smiled wide and stepped back to avoid a swat on the arm.
"Shut up. I just didn't want to deal with him is all. Jack was a gentleman and now I've absconded with his sweatshirt."
"No one says absconded." She jutted out her hip and crossed her arms.
"Apparently, I do." I stuck my tongue out at her.
We gathered our things and made our way to the parking lot. After packing our things in her trunk, we rolled down the windows and turned up the music. I leaned my head back and let Jem, Vampire Weekend and Kimya Dawson wash over me. I loved Gina but was glad for a respite from talking.
I spent most of the car ride home trying to organize my thoughts about Michael. I closed my eyes and enjoyed a montage of shared moments. There had been some good things, but mostly it was glimmers of good in a thick, brambly forest of bad. I was grateful that I had figured it out in less than a year. It was frustrating to find myself so emotional about such a poor pairing. I tried to decide what was causing the hangup but the thought played at the outer ring of my thoughts, a mosquito buzzing in my ear.
I must have dozed off because Gina nudged me. I opened my eyes and realized we were parked in front of my building. I got out of the car and stretched, giving a big yawn. She walked around to the trunk and helped me grab my bag.
We gave each other a quick hug and promised to talk soon. I walked to the glass door and then stopped to grab my keys. I live above an ice cream store, downtown in a suburb that is Chicago in a microcosm. I only drive back and forth from work; otherwise, my car stays parked in my building's postage-stamp sized parking lot.
I fumbled at the door and waved to Gina over my shoulder. I set down my bag so I could check my mail, then draped my bag over my shoulder and thumbed through the mail as I walked upstairs. I let myself in and dropped my keys in the bowl by the door.
I loved my apartment. It was one bedroom with a galley kitchen and a generous living room. The kitchen didn't bother me since the extent of my culinary skills involved heavy use of my microwave. I had salvaged a couch from a tenant who had been moving out. A TV stand stood opposite the couch, overflowing with DVD cases. My one obsession--cinema.
Other than that the decor was mismatched. My kitchen table was a hand-me-down, as were the chairs. Neither matched but it didn't look bad. I crossed over to my bedroom and opened my closet door. I dumped the contents of my duffel bag into my laundry hamper, then turned off the light and closed the door. I groaned when I realized I was going to have to do laundry soon.
I glanced at the bed. It was inviting, my one splurge item. I loved sleep in the way some people enjoy good food. I had shopped for months, searching for the perfect mattress and bedding. Gina, a champion shopper, had actually grown tired of my pickiness. I didn't care. I wasn't going to be rushed.
I had pillows stacked haphazardly across the bed. I loved to burrow into them. This had been a point of contention with Michael. He loved to snuggle. I had a firm no-snuggle policy when it came time to sleep. He would insist and so I would lie there, watching the waning light from the streetlights play across the ceiling. I waited for the moment his breath regulated so I could slip out from underneath his arm and cross to the other side of the bed. I made the mistake of moving too soon on several occasions and had to endure his injured look as I rolled my eyes and pinned myself back under his arm.
My bed was beckoning me but I knew I couldn't lie down. Walter would be sad if I didn't go pick him up that day. I pictured his furry face and smiled. I decided to make an evening of it and stuffed my dirty laundry into a bag. I retraced my steps, grabbed my keys and locked the door. I waved to a neighbor as I started down the hall.
My car was not fancy but it got the job done. I did my best to keep up maintenance on it. The payoff was that the car functioned well and got me from point A to point B. I loved muscle cars but felt it impractical to have one without a garage.
I started off toward an adjacent suburb and my parent's house. Walter, my mutt of a dog, had bunked there for the weekend. My parents were so grateful that I had abandoned tequila that they were too happy to watch him on an occasional weekend. It gave me an excuse to see them and have a hot meal not baked in a microwave.
I turned into my parent's neighborhood and observed, for the millionth time, how easy it would be to mistake one house for the other. The houses were all variations on the brick bungalow. It wasn't the house of my youth. My parents downsized after I moved out. I was the youngest of three and they were relieved when I found the apartment. I loved the house they picked and the little square of grass that sat in front of it. I pulled up to the curb and sat for a minute, finishing my cigarette.
They didn't like my smoking. My dad had smoked for years and I had pointed out the hypocrisy. It didn't matter. I knew it was a nasty habit but better than a habit that caused me to wake up in strange places. They tacitly agreed to leave me alone about the smoking and I returned the favor by not smoking around them.
(To be continued...dinner has to be started.)
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