Anger, I Loathe Thee

Ho boy. I don't really want to write this post. Honestly, I'm kind of tired and all cried out. I had therapy tonight and it was probably the toughest, emotionally speaking, I've had since I started.

I was doing fine today. Well, mostly fine. It's been a few days since I've seen the sun. This is no good for me. I need at least a peek of sun, even if it's in an obnoxious, streaming-into-my-eyes-while-I'm-cooking-lunch way. Last night, Tuesday, Doug decided he would both not stay in his crib and stay up until 11:30 PM. It was really awesome.

Then this morning, my kids forgot again how to get ready for school. I had to tell them basic things like, "get dressed, put your snow pants and boots on, eat your breakfast, don't forget to take your shoes with you." Oh, and I told them each line at least 4 times. Each. Good times.

I had to run a bunch of errands, which I hate doing as a general rule. I don't like to spend money and I especially hate to travel to multiple stores to do so.

The really bad part of the day started when I made an attempt to complete my Bible study homework.

(As an aside, I am a quick study in profanity. This is not something I advertise. There are a few friends who know that about me. I clean up my act for appropriate company, but there are times when "shut the front door" and "gee whiz" just don't cut it. This will be an important point in a few minutes.)

So I started on my homework. It was a nightmare. I tried to take a nap, which was a fail. I started doing the homework when the big kids got home. Doug hadn't napped, so he was a pill. The big kids were all over me, I had to start dinner, etc., etc. I have been doing this Bible study since September, but I've only been present in class twice. I've missed it all other times due to illness of either my children or myself.

Consequently, I've not kept up with my homework. I haven't seen a need since I've not been there. Every time I stare at the cover of my binder, my scalp prickles. It's a precept study on Philippians and the tag line is, "how to have joy."

I typically like Philippians. A lot of my favorite verses are contained in Philippians. Seems like a nice enough book of the Bible.

The problem is that the chapters for today were talking about suffering, how really God uses suffering for good, how it produces good things.

Yeah.

My family and I have been suffering/struggling/fighting and clawing for almost 7 years. It has been at turns humiliating, depressing, soul-crushing and just plain awful. We have been praying for Brian to get a new job, a better-paying job, for five solid years. We have been praying for provision, for all sorts of things.

Our friends and family have been incredibly generous with us. We have had our basic needs met. I understand that we live better than most of the people in the world. In my logical mind, I can see some blessings.

It. Has. Been. Painfully. Slow. Progress. Back. To. Normal.

I was reading these scriptures today and getting more and more frustrated. The text was referring to Jesus, who came to earth as a man, suffered and died and was raised again. I get all of that. I believe all of that. It talked about Jesus' suffering. My issue is that Jesus had to know what the grand plan was. He had to know that he would be suffering, but in the end his death would mean that millions of people would be able to be redeemed. So it sucked, but the whole time he knew that there was a purpose and what the purpose was.

Yeah, I don't know the big picture of my life. I don't see any grand plan. I have no idea what the purpose is for any of what I'm going through. In the moment, as I was reading through all the scriptures, I felt like God had abandoned us. I felt like all of the goodwill he tries to convey in the text was like a taunt. Like Jeremiah 29:11, "for I know the plans I have for you, plans to prosper you..."

We have not prospered for at least 7 years. I don't see that we will be prospering in the foreseeable future. I'm sure that "prosper" doesn't mean financially, but really, in 2015, there is no way to prosper if you don't have money. Any idea I can come up with for my family to do/enjoy/see/etc. this year involves money in some way, shape or form. I have no intention of selling all of my possessions and moving overseas. My place is here in Crystal Lake, where they take dollars, not goats, for goods and services.

Am I prospering spiritually? Not so much. I am feeling angry and bitter with a God who seems to be hearing my prayers and doing nothing more than holding his finger in the universal sign of "wait one minute, I'll be right with you." It seems like he is interested in doing nothing more than giving us dribs and drabs of provision. I can't imagine that God, in his infinite wisdom and knowledge, can't find another job for my husband. Or help in any other measurable way.

And now the swearing. The question in the study, which I don't really remember but was somewhat condescending and rose-colored, talked about what reading all of these texts meant to us. I will paraphrase my answer, but basically I said that I think it's all bullshit. God says in Matthew that he wants to give rest to those who are weary. I tell you what. My family and I are weary. We are heavy-burdened. We have been given brief, momentary rest. Not anywhere close to the magical rest God seems to promise.

I feel like we have been asking God for water to slake our thirst and in response, he's been giving us water from a dirty stream.

I am sick of platitudes, of "hang in there" and "it's gonna all work out, just wait and see." I am livid at God right now, for being mute and unmoved when I am begging him, pleading with him, to show up not for me but for my husband. It's true that I would benefit financially from my husband getting a better job, but that doesn't mean it's a selfish prayer. I think it's unselfish to ask that my husband, who is giving maximum effort, would be able to see some more fruit from his labor.

I have had to scrimp and save for a long time. It's taught me a lot, like how to go to direct marketing parties and not buy anything. Or how to rarely go on a date with my husband, or how to never ever go on vacation with my family (in fairness, that last one is probably for the best--my kids are nuts and I don't have enough energy).

I was never a clothes horse, but all of this has meant that I very, very rarely get new clothes. Then, when I do, they are from a consignment shop. (I have tried to go to Savers but it always seems like a sad garage sale. Can't do it.) I last purchased jeans in December of 2013, also consignment. I have worn them almost every day since then, even in the summer. They are fraying at the cuffs, thinning out in the legs and are now baggy.

The thing is, I feel guilty for going to get new jeans. I feel like I shouldn't do it, that I'm wasting money that could be better spent elsewhere. Every financial decision that I have to make causes anxiety and stress. I have to make sure I make exactly the right decision, I do the right thing, I choose wisely. There are no margins for error. It is frustrating and feels sisyphus-ian. I feel like no matter how wise I try to be, it's just never going to be enough. I'm trying to put together a 1000 piece puzzle with only 900 pieces.

It's exhausting. All of it, the day-in, day-out practice of working at 100% power and not getting anywhere, is exhausting. I feel like I am walking the wrong way on a moving sidewalk without any hope of getting where I need to go.

I don't want to keep doing this Bible study. I feel lied to and betrayed by a God who I have learned my whole life is never far away. I don't want to go tomorrow and hear about how much God loves all the people in my study. I feel like I am set apart from the rest of the class, on the outside looking in. Everyone else seems to be basking in the glow of God's love and I am out in the cold.

I want to rest. I want to work 100% power and get 100% results. I was taught that if I worked hard, things would work out. God doesn't close a door without opening a window. I have to say, we've been sitting in the dark for so long the light, when it does finally come shining in, is going to burn my corneas. Not that I'm holding my breath.

I hate to write like this. I guess I'm hoping that in twenty years, when we maybe start to see some relief, I can look back on this and laugh at my former self.

Okay, forty.

I plan on attending this Bible study. I will not read the comment where I use the word "bullshit" (or even the one where I used #sarcasmfont). I will probably sit there, quietly, while trying to bite back the urge to yell and scream at how angry I am at God right now.

And probably swearing under my breath.