Do It Anyway

I am beyond exhausted. I am in bed with Brooklyn and Doug. Brooklyn is on her tablet, Doug is watching one more episode of Team Umizoomi.

I would rather be asleep already. I have to be up early-ish tomorrow to check on my parents' dogs. I had all intentions of writing a blog post about my encounter with Crystal Lake's finest a couple of weeks ago. However, I spent a lot of time in the early evening running a taxi service.

It meant I didn't get to eat dinner until close to 8:45, which is less than ideal. After I finally finished my dinner, I wanted a chance to just sit by myself and breathe for a minute.

I had a friend send me an excerpt from a book today. It was very convicting. I am hoping to get my hands on a copy of it. (Meanwhile, I need to get cracking on the pile of unread books on my bookshelf. It's tough to crochet and read at the same time.)

The excerpt referenced the idea I tried to flesh out last night, namely that I am feeling like I'm chasing a feeling I used to have. I'm doing my best to make lists and plans and set expectations for myself. The problem is, I feel like the line is constantly moving. This means that the idea of success becomes quite elusive, like chasing a rainbow. It's always just a little beyond my reach.

It didn't help that I didn't like the number I saw on the scale this morning. Or that I can't seem to break the habit of getting on the scale every morning. I understand that the scale is just one measurement (among many) that can provide a snapshot of how I'm doing. As a wise friend pointed out a couple of weeks ago, the overall trend in my weight is still down.

I also did a lot of things today that I didn't really want to do. I took an extra dog walk. I've been quite busy watching my parents' dogs, so I've hesitated to take on any new walks. I was forced to be outside in the sun.

When I came home from that, I wanted to just sit on the couch. Instead, I did a short workout and lifted some weights.

I know that I shouldn't be measuring the success of the day by the things I've accomplished. That brings me back to this book, The Joy Project by Tony Reinke. The excerpt that my friend sent me says, "what if joy is not found at the end of a to-do list?" I see the logic there, that it creates the situation I described earlier--this philosophy that completing tasks is important to my sense of self-worth.

I think there is a middle ground, though. I mentioned last night that I'm 104 days behind in my Bible-reading plan. I felt guilty about that. Guilt isn't a tool God uses. He uses conviction, which is a nudge about a specific sin or situation. Guilt uses a much broader brush and isn't from God. So while I knew the guilt wasn't coming from God, I used it to push myself to start trying to catch up.

I was reasonable about what I did. Reading 2-3 days' worth of readings per day is a decent amount. I didn't work out for two hours, but I did cardio and some strength training. I drank more water. I made chicken to put on my salads over the next couple of days.

I am writing something. It's not what I set out to write today, but it is still something.

I am not measuring my worth by what I've accomplished, but I do feel like accomplishing something has helped my mental health today. I feel like I'm always on a razor's edge in that struggle. If I rest and take it easy, the house descends into chaos. This, in turn, stresses me out. That leads to higher anxiety. But if I am constantly going, trying to clean, trying to work out, trying to do all the things, I drive myself crazy because of my unrealistic expectations.

One thing I will say is that I have started to push harder on the kids to help out around the house. At the prompting of a friend a few months ago, I had the kids start doing and folding their own laundry. I had to resign myself to the fact that it wasn't going to be done to my exacting standards. To be fair, my exacting standards meant that, frequently, the laundry sat clean (but unfolded) in baskets for about a week. Since handing off the task, laundry gets put away much more quickly.

Today, I outsourced cleaning the bathrooms to the kids. I will probably need to go back and clean a toilet or two and mop the floor, but in all, that's work I didn't have to do. I ask Bekah to help with the dishwasher. I ask Jeremy to take things out to the garbage cans.

It has not been without bumps. I have had to speak rather sternly with all of the kids. I tried to explain to them that a messy house stresses me out. I am not a magician (honestly, this is kind of my mantra) and I can't do all the things on my own. I need their help. They are not always cheerful about helping. They frequently tell me they don't want to. I have had to tell them, firmly but kindly, that I don't always want to cook, clean, take them places and otherwise maintain the household.

I am glad I wrote something tonight. I strive to do the things that are opposite of my nature. It's a good bet that there is something that is good for me to do that I'd prefer not to do. Sometimes, when I am fighting back the depression, just doing one thing opposite of what I want to do can make a big difference.