Try, Try Again...

I have made no secret of the fact that I have struggled (and continue to struggle) with body image issues and weight issues. Really, at the bottom of it, I am not trusting that God will fill the God-shaped hole in my heart. It's been something with which I have struggled a long time.

I started this blog talking about my journey to gastric bypass surgery. I was hopeful, back in July of this year, that I would be able to use that surgery as a stepping stool toward a healthier lifestyle. I spoke with a surgeon and had the full support of Brian and my friends.

In the months since that point, I found out that I have a rare insurance plan that doesn't cover this type of surgery. I will note that the plan is geared toward middle-aged white men (that's the main demographic of my husband's company's board of directors). If he worked for a bigger company with a more diverse demographic, I have a feeling it would be included in the plan.

That's neither here nor there, though. I have to believe that God has a plan for me. I am not sure why, but it doesn't include gastric bypass. To be sure, there were people who were skeptical of the surgery, who warned me of potential complications. I know someone who had some devestating physical affects stemming from a gastric bypass surgery.

Since finding out I'm not able to have the surgery, I have floundered. It has become nearly impossible to conduct consistent workouts at my house. I have had a lot of success using Leslie Sansone's Walk at Home DVDs. They're great because it's a true aerobic workout and it incorporates strength training. I managed to lose 50 pounds from the time I delivered Bekah to the time I got pregnant with Doug.

The problem has been trying to find the time to work out. Having three small children isn't conducive to being able to complete these routines consistently. I have tried a bunch of different things to keep them occupied while I work out, but none have been successful.

I also have not been consistently keeping track of my food intake. I have ebbed and flowed with my Diet Coke intake. For me, I need to be accountable to someone or something (an app, a person, an online community) about my food choices. If I know I'm being accountable, I'm less likely to make a poor food choice.

For example, if I'm not tracking what I'm eating (either calories or points or just making a list of foods), then if the idea strikes me to eat a donut, I eat a donut. If I'm craving something sweet, I give in to it. Yes, I remember that I had two donuts for breakfast and Reese's peanut butter cups for lunch, but I want sugar and I'm going to eat it.

There is a component of willpower, to be sure. When I am eating clean--meaning, when I have cut out most white flour, white sugar and Diet Coke, I find that I crave sugar less. If I am well-rested, have eaten enough protein and veggies, have had enough water, I don't find myself fantasizing about sugar as much. I am able to say "no" if offered something sweet and am not consumed with it.

There is also, for me at least, a component of addiction. Once I have had a sugary snack--donut, candy, cake, cookie--the phenomena of craving kicks in. All of a sudden, I want more. I am not really good at having one cookie or donut or whatever it is. I am more likely to have 4 or 5 donuts, or cookies, or candy. I can try different strategies--eating with a fork, drinking water in between bites, cutting it in half, etc., but as soon as I walk away from my first serving, I start to obsess about when I can have more.

I did, for a while, stop eating white sugar all together. I lost some weight but I was emotionally a mess. I started eating it again and gained all the weight back plus some extra. I know that it can be said I just had a baby, but that's been 16 months ago (almost 17). Yes, I know it takes a while for the weight to come off but I have to take responsibility for my part in my predicament.

All this being said, I've started participating in Weight Watchers again. I had some success with WW back in the early to mid 2000s. Since then, I've been participating in fits and starts. I was paying for the online program earlier in the year but not adhering strictly to it. I have been losing a bit of weight here and there, but it's been inconsistent and patchy at best.

For me, losing the weight is not about looking a certain way or being able to fit into my skinny jeans. It's about my kids, my health and my future. I am currently battling high blood pressure and high cholesterol. Heart disease and diabetes run rampant through my family. This has to be about getting healthier. This has to be about showing my kids the importance of making healthy choices. Bekah especially watches me like a hawk. If I'm having junk food, she wants junk food. (I'm hoping that the reverse is true as well.)

I am ashamed that I keep having to return to WW. I know it's about continuing to try; I know when I stop making an effort that I will have failed. There is a bit of bruised ego in admitting that although I've been able to accomplish mighty things physically, I am still broken when it comes to overcoming my food issues.

As I said at the beginning of this post, this all comes down to trusting God. I have to trust that He is going to fill me up. Food is important to sustain my life and help me get from point A to point B; God helps sustain my spirit. I will say that I started blogging tonight specifically because I am craving something sweet. I no longer have that craving. It seems like when I shine the light of truth on my cravings for unhealthy things, they are dispelled. Now let's hope I can continue to let His light shine into those crevices where the cravings hide.