Can You Hear Me Now?

What a crazy weekend. I am feeling pretty worn out right now. Would like to go to bed except that Bekah is still awake. We made an attempt to go to Randall Oaks petting zoo today. As we arrived, we did a group bathroom break. We staggered it and I was actually able to go to the bathroom on my own (a rarity).

While in the bathroom I got a visitor in the form of Bekah. I exited the bathroom to find Brian standing with Doug in the stroller. Unfortunately, Bekah's trip to the bathroom had no authorization from Brian. After that, we made a not-so-graceful exit (without seeing the animals).

The kids have really been struggling to listen lately. I know for Jeremy there's a component of his sensory issues that impacts his ability to listen. Bekah has no such issues. She has a compulsion to be near me at all possible times. It's been like that since she was a baby. She has always wanted to "keep an eye on me" or "keep me company" (her words). It is cute but can be cloying and annoying as well.

I have been told (ad nauseum) that these years will pass soon, that the kids are no longer going to want to be with me. I try, as much as possible, to live in the moment. I hold them when I can, even if I've got laundry to do or the kitchen is being a mess. I read to them unless I'm in the middle of working or cooking a meal.

It's a tough thing to do, though, day-to-day. It's even tougher when I feel like I'm talking and no one is listening. I am at the root of this problem, though. Today was the first time we actually left a place because they didn't listen. I suck, I fall short, I don't excel at setting and keeping boundaries with the kids. I overthreaten and lack in follow through. I know this is ultimately hurting them.

The problem is, I'm almost chronically exhausted. I don't get enough sleep, my energy has a million demands on it, the list of things to do is neverending. Trying to impose boundaries, rules, consequences, is one more demand. Though it's important, it takes resolve and consistency, two things lacking in the life of the chronically tired.

I need to be better, though. It's not fair to expect that my kids should listen if I don't require it all the time. If I'm spotty in requiring it, they will be spotting in fulfilling my requests. Yes, it takes some extra work. Yes, most kids this age struggle with listening. I know when I talk about this with other moms, it's a pretty common complaint. I don't mean to make it sound like my kids are good-for-nothing hooligans. They aren't. They are human beings with shortcomings just like me.

Maybe that's what makes it so tough to be their mom. It would be easier if they acted like robots, always listening to what I said and mechanically carrying out my requests. The flip side is I'd miss out on the humor. They really do say some funny things. In the end, I'm grateful for their humanity because it stretches me to be a better person.