Tonight was one such instance. It was the second week of AWANA. I have been anxious about it all week. Jeremy and I have been talking about it. His reaction last Thursday was that he had a great time. After all he had endured, I was taken aback but accepted what he said.
I have been trying to talk quietly about this all week with a few confidantes. I am so out of my depth in dealing with Jeremy and his condition. It's tough, I've decided, because 95% of the time, there's no physical manifestation of his SPD. He appears, for all intents and purposes, to be a fully functioning 6-year-old. It's not until you add loud noises that the cracks in his armor appear.
Tonight's arrival at AWANA was 1000% calmer, more organized and smoother. I was correct in my assessment that the chaos from last week can be attributed to it being the first week of club. I totally get that. I never expected the process to be perfect out of the gate.
I will say, though, that a lot about last week was about my own expectations. It gets me every time--if I have unrealistic expectations then most likely I'll end up being disappointed.
This week I aimed a little lower and I was pleasantly surprised. The youth pastor, a friend's husband, pulled me aside and had a chat with me. He had read my blog post from last week and wanted me to know he had heard me. I got a bit defensive because I felt spied on, but then I realized that the blog post opened a dialogue that probably wouldn't have been opened otherwise. This man (can't remember his name for the life of me) was humble enough to acknowledge that there were rough edges. He asked for some grace, which I am happy to extend, and he apologized.
I had hoped, when I started blogging, that I would be able to add income to my family's bottom line. That has not happened. Yet, anyway. I also wanted a voice.
It's tough, as a stay-at-home mom, to feel like you have a voice. I know people slam moms who are glued to the screen of their smartphones. I am guilty of that on occasion, but smartphones and technology allow me to connect with the world around me. Play dates have almost become obsolete. I can get out in the evenings but not always. Social media allows me to interact more freely, especially with other friends who have kids. I can connect with friends whom I can't see all the time. I can see pictures of extended family members. The world gets smaller and more manageable for me everyday. It still surprises me, though, that people are listening to what I have to say.
To that end, though, I have tried to use my power for good and not evil. There are things, events, situations, about which I choose not to write. I do not want to alienate people, groups of people, family members, etc. It is never my intention to cast aspersions anywhere; rather, I am trying to share the world from my (and my kids' perspective). I do not want people to shrink away from me out of fear of being skewered in cyberspace.
Blogging, for me, is therapeutic. I can talk about the things that bug me, that give me pause, that perplex me. I have connected with people from across the globe (I have some readership in the Ukraine, which just blows my mind) and there's something so common about the human experience. I don't end up feeling over-important but I do feel like there are people hearing what I have to say. And really, that's like money in the bank.
Week 2 of AWANA? Much better. Still a little squidgy, but Jeremy was allowed to do crafts all night (versus crafts and games). He came home seeming in good spirits. We are going to try again next week. We are going to bring some headphones for Jeremy to wear and try out for council time. I feel much better this week than last and my kudos to all the staff at LGCC at their handling of Jeremy, myself and his accommodations. I'm going to pray like crazy that every week just keeps getting better!!
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