I had a sobering and convicting revelation today. I considered going live on Facebook about it, but I was afraid I would cry. I have grown to loathe crying in public. Maybe next time I have an epiphany, I will do a live video.
Let me start at the beginning.
I knew, going into today, that the day would be more stressful in general. I sit for my friends' kids in the morning before school, so I have to get up earlier than I normally do. I am so grateful for the opportunity to help my friend, I don't mind. It just adds a dimension of craziness to the morning. I try to be fully prepared for my own kids to leave for school before I leave to be with them. Again, not a big deal but it's a longer than normal day.
Aside from that, I was awake at 3 AM, 5 AM and then for the day at 6:30. I woke up at 3 to Doug being awake. I used the restroom and then realized he was up playing. This has been an ongoing issue. I know we are heading to having him on medication. I think that will solve a lot of his sleep and focus issues. Meanwhile, though, I have to deal with a 6-year-old who is fully awake at 3 AM and who doesn't see the need to go back to sleep. (More on that later.)
I woke up at 5 AM to Jeremy moaning. He started running a fever yesterday. My suspicion is that he has strep, though one of the more frustrating aspects of his personality is that he can't always tell me what hurts. I do my best to rule out emergency issues, like appendicitis. Beyond that, he never has throat pain when he has strep. He almost always throws up and/or has stomach discomfort. This never makes sense to me, but it's how it manifests for him.
In any case, he needed medication to manage his fever and headache. I did what I could to make him more comfortable, then tried to get more sleep.
I scheduled Brooklyn's well-baby check for today. I didn't think I would have a sick kid here at home or that I wouldn't have slept well the night before. I knew she was going to get her immunizations and flu shot today. I knew that would translate to a fussy, clingy baby. I did my best to mentally prepare.
In the win column, I managed to make it through the entire exam and visit without sweating at all. This is huge, because my pediatrician's office is almost always overheated.
Brooklyn has been a fussy mess all week. She has wanted to be picked up and carried around everywhere. I love my daughter and I try to soak up every moment I can. That being said, it is tough to accomplish anything while hefting around a 27 pound baby. I do my best to distract her and just let her fuss, but it's tough to accomplish anything with a whining, crying 18-month-old following you around all the time.
I knew I wouldn't have time to walk today. In addition to all of these things, I had my counseling appointment today. I screwed up last week and missed my appointment, so I knew I had to get it right this week. The saving grace about the appointment was that I sidestepped having to put Brooklyn down for a nap. It gave me a chance to unplug from her, so to speak, and kind of re-center myself.
The day went kind of downhill in the afternoon. We got a call from Doug's school that he was being uncooperative. They weren't even able to get him on the bus, could we come pick him up. I was not surprised, given his 3 AM activity. I sent Brian to get him.
Meanwhile, Bekah came home and as a natural consequence, lost her iPad privilege today. She was not happy about it (I knew this going into it) and threw a fit. Upon arriving home, Doug threw a tantrum about having lost *his* iPad privilege.
It was really when Brooklyn woke up, though, that my already thin patience started unraveling.
Owing to my protocol and other changes, I don't find it necessary to cook every night. Over the past few weeks, I've found that if I cook on 2-3 nights of the week, the rest of the nights we can eat leftovers and have plenty of food. Tonight was a cooking night. Brooklyn was just a mess. She wanted me to pick her up. So after doing most of the food prep work, I handed the reins over to Brian and sat down to snuggle with Brooklyn. She proceeded to walk over and demand that Brian pick her up. I tried to read her a book, she wasn't interested. She didn't want to play, she didn't want to snuggle, she didn't want to eat Veggie Straws. She just was unhappy.
Doug and Bekah calmed down for the most part and the rest of the evening was not eventful, but the constant fussing and whining really started taking a toll. I finally had enough and took Brooklyn upstairs, only to find that Jeremy was awake (he had dozed off) and needed ibuprofen. So while I should have just grabbed Brooklyn and taken her to bed, I worked on helping him.
By the time I got Brooklyn in her room, I was just done. I was tired, cranky and irritable. I spent some time rocking her and really trying to figure out what was going on.
Here's where I had the epiphany.
I don't drink anymore, by choice. I don't gamble, I don't stay out until all hours. I run, but I can't run in the pitch black.
My point is, I was sitting with all of these *feelings* and I wanted desperately to escape. I wanted to not feel anymore. I wanted to do whatever I could to wriggle free of the discomfort.
And it occurred to me that when God says to have no other idols, he's not just talking about golden calves and false gods. He's talking directly to me as I try to scan through the things that would make me feel instantly better. For me, when I try to short-circuit *feeling,* I am not giving those things over to God. I am saying, "here's how I can 'handle' this--I can (fill in the blank)." Then I won't feel it anymore. But nothing that could fit in that blank is going to help me handle how I feel like God is. He wants to be the one I crave, the one whose company I seek.
Like I said, it was a sobering thought. All of this work I'm doing, writing a protocol and modeling my feelings and not buffering, is leading me to Jesus' feet. Kristin says that life is 50% good, 50% not good. Nothing I have done or will ever do will get me around that fact. It just is the way of life. The goal is not to become some automaton that feels nothing--the goal is to feel things but not be derailed by them. This is really the journey I'm on.
Losing weight is fantastic. There is a measurable benefit for my body if I shed the excess pounds. My body will function more optimally, I will be more comfortable, etc. I can tell you, though, based on my past experience, that *just* losing the weight is never going to be enough. I will arrive at the number I have in my head and may have some satisfaction, but to stay at that number through the tribulations of life will be the real acid test.
Ultimately, what I want is peace. I want to be at peace with God's plan for my life. I want to be at peace with the external forces and trials and disappointments that I feel in life. I don't want to use food or gambling or whatever to stop me from feeling it. I want to be able to move through the discomfort.
I weigh in tomorrow morning. I have had 5 weeks in a row of weight loss. This hasn't happened in I can't even remember how long. Any weight loss I have will be fantastic. The bigger victory for me, though, is that though this week has been tough emotionally, I have not allowed myself to be sidetracked. I have locked arms with Kristin and others, squared my shoulders and continued to trudge along.
I hope those who are reading this article have people with whom to lock arms. It's such a huge part of being on this journey.
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