Into Every Life, A Little Rain Must Fall

I am exhausted tonight. I did a cardio kickboxing class with my friend Kate. I love it. The time passes quickly and I get tired afterward, but a good tired, like I've accomplished something.

Brian doesn't work a lot of evenings this week. This helps my mood a lot. It's one thing for him to be gone eight hours during the day. It's another for him to be gone during the end of the day.

I am also tired because I cried today.

Let me preface that by saying, I have always been overly concerned with what other people think of me. I could fill reams of paper talking about just that very subject. Suffice to say, I worry especially that people will think I'm whiny or complaining or both.

I've been told, multiple times, by multiple people, that what other people think about me is none of my business. It's a valid point, but one that I've failed to internalize.

I've tried very hard to keep a positive outlook on all the things. Job, weight, kids, house, etc. All the things. I have kept my whining and complaining to a minimum. I have two or three friends who get to hear it. To the public, to the people who are FB friends, I've kept a stiff upper lip.

Here's the thing. It occurred to me today that I can be two things at once. I can hold two thoughts in my head at once. I can be incredibly grateful for the outpouring of love and support we've received over the past five months. I can also be sad because of the season we are in right now.

Brian spent a long time being underemployed prior to being unemployed. Being underemployed is tough. It means an utter lack of financial margins. We have no credit cards and while that ultimately is good, it also requires a lot more strategic thinking. Brain power can be in short supply when one's time is spent constantly trying to strategize.

For example.

I go to Costco every two weeks. I mostly know how much I spend there. I am not swayed by the economy packs of Sharpie markers because it's not on my route through the store. I like to eye crazy things, like a gazebo that has speakers, but it's nothing more than eyeing because it's so ridiculously out of our reach.

There are things that we buy like clockwork--bags of salad mix, hot dogs, waffles. Then there are things like Cascade, paper towels, toilet paper, garbage bags. I probably buy those things every few months. I try, as much as possible, to spread out those purchases. Yes, it's cheaper to buy those things at Costco, but the cash outlay for buying them cuts into the other purchases I have to make. So sometimes, I'll buy toilet paper but will grab two rolls of paper towels on a trip through Walmart. Or vice versa.

Again, it seems like a small problem and it is, but it compounds quickly. Every trip I make to the store, whichever store, I am always running the numbers. I am always having to consider how my purchases will impact future produce runs to Aldi or wherever. I have visited the food pantry in the past, but my kids have very specific tastes. There are only three or four vegetables that my kids eat--green pepper, cucumber, baby carrots and red/yellow/orange pepper. Trying to vary from those veggies will mean that I have rotten veggies in my refrigerator.

I'm always, always, calculating the cost of things in my head. If I make a misstep, I beat myself up for it for days.

For example.

Jeremy recently complained about not having any shorts. We went to Walmart, where Brian has a discount. I made the mistake of listening to Jeremy tell me what size he was, versus having him try the shorts on. I spent a total of $20 on his shorts.

None of them fit. Even after buying a belt with my dad, they don't fit.

It's $20, no big deal. Except, $20 has almost always been a big deal for us. It's not the end of the world, but it's frustrating and I end up feeling defeated.

I shared this experience with someone today. They told me Savers has clothes half-price on Mondays. I went after meeting with friends and spent $5 on three pairs of shorts for Jeremy. Score!! (Don't worry, I'll still beat myself up about the squandered $20 on shorts, but at least now I won't have Jeremy walking around, belt tightened as far as it goes, shorts bunched up all around his waist, as evidence of my failure.)

It's just a tough thing. There are so many things I want to do for the kids, things they could benefit from, and I just have to say no. I have had to say no a lot. I don't think saying no to my kids is a bad thing, but there's something about saying no because you *have* to versus saying no because it's the better option. (If that makes sense.)

A lot of being underemployed, or living paycheck to paycheck, is about a lack of choices. Yes, I have food in my fridge or clothes on my back. I am grateful. But it's also a little sad that I don't always get to choose the food or clothes. I graciously accept both and thank my lucky stars, but it's also disappointing sometimes not to have more autonomy.

I will admit, I'm not praying as much as I should. I've started to feel like God has to be annoyed with me for praying the same thing over and over again, kind of like I feel when Doug asks me the same question over and over again (even after I've answered it). I have done my best to get out of myself, to focus on helping other people. I try to remind myself that it could always be worse.

I am glad that the shorts I bought at Savers seem to fit better than the ones I bought at Target. It is hard to dress Jeremy sometimes. He is long and thin, like a string bean, but with broad shoulders. I always hoped he would join the swim team. I guess there's still time for that particular dream to come true.