Seeking Independence

The other night, I didn't know what I was going to write. Tonight, I know what I'm going to write and I don't really want to.

The past couple of days, I've been very busy with dog walks. This is a good thing for which I am really grateful. It's also done a good job of keeping me distracted.

I took a walk last night at a time I normally don't take walks. I explained last night, in a rambling way, that I work very hard to protect my bedtime. I operate better when I get a prescribed number of hours of sleep.

When my sleep suffers, my mood stuffers. I tend to start to droop, like a plant that's not been watered enough. Normally, a good nights' sleep will help me perk back up. I'm hoping that's the case here. I am hoping that I wake up tomorrow morning with more pep in my step.

It's hard to droop at any point, but especially on a holiday. I've purposely kept off FB today. Holidays are different when you are struggling financially or have kids with special needs.

For us, fireworks are problematic. In addition to being loud and having to endure throngs of people, both of which are unpleasant for my boys, they take place outside. My boys have a tremendous phobia about bugs. (I honestly can't blame them and feel like it's not so much a phobia as an understanding about how gross and unpredictable bugs can be.) We are really a resort family, despite much encouraging from people about how wonderful and inexpensive camping can be.

When you are a resort family but there aren't funds available for a resort, you find cheap, local things to do. Hence our frequent visits to the public library, parks and other amenities maintained by the city of Crystal Lake.

We also don't really do overt patriotism. We don't have matching patriotic outfits, we honestly have taken maybe one or two family photos over the past dozen or so years. I avoid FB because holidays seem to mean an uptick in the number of highly-coordinated, posed portraits of familial joy. I won't lie, I am envious of those families.

I also mourn because we just don't have that family. We don't hang with a lot of people as a family. I think part of that is our size--trying to hang out with a family of four kids takes up a lot of space. It can be very loud. Not everyone is willing or able to accommodate us. I totally get it and am not begrudging a lack of invitations.

I'm going to say that again.

I am not whining about not being invited places or not being included. I am, quite frankly, grateful when we are excluded because it stresses me out having to take the boys places. We have two parties coming up with really the only two families with whom we gel well. That is just fine with me.

That doesn't mean that it's easy for me to scroll FB during holidays and not mourn a little that our family isn't like others. I think it's easy when one is droopy to scroll FB and get even droopier.

So I've kept myself busy today, with crocheting and reading and playing Wizards Unite. I had two dog walks. I hit my step goal.

I ate some things that I don't normally eat. Part of it was for comfort, part of it was because between yesterday and today, the heat has been oppressive and I needed the salt.

I hope someday I can celebrate my independence (see what I did there) from these expectations I put on myself about how the holidays *should* look. I know the people that care about me and my family are not judging me. Those that are, they are in luck. We live in a free country, where people are allowed to think as they please.

This year, we are going to try the fireworks. We are able to watch them from a relative distance, which minimizes both the noise and the crowds. It gives us a way to make a fast exit in case things get hairy. I can guarantee that there will be discord and discontent, both about the bugs, the heat, the proximity of one sibling to another, the list stretches on.

I would write more, but Doug has just informed me that Jeremy broke the protective shield (after more investigation, he means the curtains) in my room. I'm positive it's not going to improve my mood, but the silver lining is that bedtime looms near.