The Old Switcharoo

Bekah and Jeremy, my two older kids, are 16 months apart in age. The phrase we have used is "Irish twins." Oddly enough, I had more people than I could count ask if they were *actually* twins.

Jeremy stayed in his crib until he was almost three. He had no earthly desire to climb out. We used to joke because at bedtime, he would ask us to put all of his toys in his crib with him. We would oblige and say goodnight. Minutes later, we would start to hear small thuds as he tossed the items back out, one by one.

Bekah, on the other hand, was a ninja. She started crawling out of her crib very early. She was the reason we had to put child locks on our cabinets. We didn't have baby gates up until Bekah. She was a one-woman wrecking ball.

When we found out we were expecting Doug, we figured it would be easiest to combine Bekah and Jeremy into one room. That was back in 2007.

We always knew there would be a point that the arrangement would stop working. We kept putting off switching things around. Something would come up, or we wouldn't have the energy, or we would all get sick.

It all came to a head this past week. Brooklyn got potty trained and that was the last piece of the puzzle. We didn't want to put her in a big-girl bed (a twin-sized bed) until we knew she was potty-trained. We jumped that last hurdle. A couple of generous friends donated two twin mattresses and we were in business.

We started moving smaller things on Friday night. Yesterday, Brian worked in the evening. I wanted to keep the momentum going, so I buckled down and took on a big task, moving the boys' bunk beds. That was a huge undertaking. As it turns out, the only way to move them is to deconstruct them and then reconstruct them.

Today, Bekah and I served in childcare at church for the first time. Once we got home, we resumed the project.

By the end (we still have some minor projects to complete, but the vast majority is complete), we had 5-6 kitchen-sized garbage bags full, 4-5 garbage bags full for donation, we gave away the crib, the toddler bed and the crib mattress. I vacuumed every one of the rooms. I must've gathered up at least five pounds of dust and dog hair. It was crazy.

I was a little sad to say goodbye to the crib, but honestly, it was time. I didn't feel like we went beyond the expiration date. I was honestly sadder about Jeremy and Bekah not rooming together anymore. It feels like the end of an era.

I am excited for this next chapter. I am also excited to get some rest.

Insomnia Won't Win

It's been a long five months of waiting. I don't do patience very well. I tend to go a bit batty.

Today, I dealt with insomnia. I was up from 2-5 AM for no real stated purpose. I did managed to throw a load of laundry in the dryer and start a load of dishes.

Aside from that, I've had a nagging headache.

But today, I embraced action.

We are working to switch the kids' rooms around. It's time for the kids to be separated on the basis of gender.

Bekah has been lobbying for the change for quite some time. We have had to wait for Brooklyn to potty train, which I mentioned she finally has.

We started in earnest yesterday, cleaning up and dismantling the crib. It's really the end of an era, to not have someone in a crib.

Even though I didn't get very much sleep, I pushed through today. I wanted to get things done. After five months of being in a permanent limbo, there is something empowering about having and executing a plan of action.

I vacuumed corners of rooms today that I've not cleaned in months and/or years.

Tomorrow, I will set the kids on their room to clean up all the flotsam and jetsam that's accumulated over the past several years.

But forgive me, I'm exhausted and need to get some rest. I will share more tomorrow.

Fri-yay

My time to write this evening is incredibly limited. Brooklyn is tired. If she was child number one, I would tell her to go up and lie in her bed.

She is not child number one. She is child number four.

Truthfully, we had hoped that she'd basically be raising herself at this point. We claim no credit in the fact that she is able to hold her pencil the correct way. She knows some letters. That also has nothing to do with us.

Happily, she is potty-trained. That, I will say, is on us. We had to be a bit firm, but she caught onto it quite quickly.

In any case, she is number four. That means we have lost the ability and energy to be as firm with her as we were with Jeremy. She has developed the bad habit of falling asleep next to either Brian or me. We are in the process of switching around the rooms so that she shares a room with Bekah. It's going to be a lot easier to tell her to go get in her bed. Up to now, she's been in a crib.

She crawled in and out of her crib at will, but the funniest thing was that she would wake up in the morning and cry for someone to get her. She is the consummate youngest child.

So right now, she is sitting on the couch. She wants me to sit next to her. I know the deal, I know she's exhausted. Right now, her crib mattress is on the floor of the kids' room (which will soon be her and Bekah's room). I'm almost positive she will end up sleeping with us tonight.

I am tired myself, having been up since 6 AM this morning. I had a productive day. Worked out with Kate. Learned that I really don't like goblet squats. I used a 20-pound weighted ball. It was bearable, but they went by much more slowly than I thought they would. I'm grateful I wasn't hobbling out of there.

I went on two Wag! walks today, which is good. This week has been much slower than last. I haven't wanted to go out of my way to take a walk, but I had hoped to get a few more.

As I write this, I'm fairly convinced that Brooklyn is asleep. She hasn't been calling out for me since I started writing.

I love my kids and I love my life with them. It's busy and my hands are full, but my heart is even fuller.

Thankful Thursday

Mercy. 

It is almost 10 PM. 

It was a quiet day today. I felt oddly unsettled all day. It was like I was carrying around my umbrella, expecting it to rain. 

And then it didn’t. 

But I still felt like I needed to carry the umbrella. 

Maybe not the best analogy, but I’m pretty exhausted. 

Grateful for so much. Bekah is sleeping comfortably on her new (to her) mattress. I consider that a win. 

I don’t like all the “hurry up and wait” we’re experiencing during this season, but even in the midst of it, I know God is providing for us abundantly. 

If you’re so inclined, please send up a prayer for our little family. We’d surely appreciate it. 

Love and peace. 

Hump Day, Schlump Day

I just got done watching Bohemian Rhapsody with Brian. I am up way past my bedtime. I made a special dispensation about bedtime so that we could watch it together. He threatened to watch it without me. I had wanted to see it, it's just so tough to jockey for TV time in our house.

We also have plans to watch Stranger Things. The new season just hit Netflix. I used to be all about binging shows after the kids went to bed. Now, the kids usually end up asleep either just before me or just after me. I have no energy to be up late to watch TV.

I spent the day at the lake today with a friend. It was a blast, aside from getting some sunburn. I should know better by now, I know. I am outside walking dogs all the time, but I always have a short-sleeved t-shirt on. Today, at Brookie's insistence, I got my bathing suit on and waded into the lake. The sun was brutal and I got burnt in the spots on my upper body that aren't already tan. 

Aside from that, like I said, I had a really good time. This is a good friend of mine, someone who is a faithful reader of my blog (which, you have to understand, is rare). Our kids are similar in age and get along really well (aside from an incident last summer where are two youngest fought incessantly over a ball). 

It was good to get out of the house, even better to be in the sun and passing time with a good friend. Brian's work schedule at Walmart is very wonky. Some weeks, he's home four nights in a row. Others, only one or two. My bedtime doesn't change much. This is something I've learned as I've gotten older--I need to have a consistent bedtime. It doesn't have to be rigidly so, but I need to get enough rest. So when he is *not* working, I try to go to bed even earlier to buffer for those nights when I stay up later to deal with the kids.

I also feel sometimes like I'm a permanent Debby Downer. I hate showing up to things and when people ask how I'm doing, I want to say okay but my face fights me. So I tend to avoid and cancel last-minute, which I also hate and am also worried that people are judging me for. Again, I'm continuing to learn that what people think of me is none of my business. It's a tough lesson, but it's an important one to try and master.

In any case, we had fun at the beach. We were generously gifted a twin-sized mattress, so we went and picked that up. I finally evicted the items that had been traveling with me for the last few weeks. They are now living happily at the Savers in town. I didn't make it to the food pantry to donate a few things, but there's always tomorrow for that.

We hit Costco and Aldi and headed back home. Dinner was easy-rotisserie chicken from Costco. I went for a walk, played a little Wizards Unite, then back home to eat dinner and watch the movie.

I continue to be grateful for the friends I have who are walking this path alongside me. I love their senses of humor and the way they show their support. I know that God put these people in my life specifically to help me make it through. 

Busy day again tomorrow, but beyond grateful to have four beautiful kiddos who I'm able to shuttle around to their different activities. 

The One About How Tired I Am

I just heard the oven timer beep, signifying dinner being ready. Tuesday nights are always killer. It's been a long day, lots of schlepping kids from one place to another. Heavy emphasis on transportation to and from the dance studio.

I worked out with Kate today. Hours later, I went to scratch my head and my arm protested. It was an incredibly difficult routine, from the mountain climbers to the TRX planks, BOSU burpees and wall sit with bicep curls.

I checked all the boxes for things I wanted to do today. I didn't have a chance to return a phone call. The Toyota doesn't have BlueTooth and I don't need a ticket for using my phone while driving. That can wait for tomorrow.

I've sent a list of interview questions to one of the three women I'll be interviewing. I'm almost done with the second set of questions, but literally, sitting here and typing is making my arms hurt.

I am hoping to have the second set off tomorrow.

Found a twin-sized mattress for Bekah, so that's good. Didn't eat any food until about 6:45 PM--I need to work on that tomorrow.

Now I'm off to eat dinner, take some ibuprofen and read until I can't keep my eyes open anymore.

Into Every Life, A Little Rain Must Fall

I am exhausted tonight. I did a cardio kickboxing class with my friend Kate. I love it. The time passes quickly and I get tired afterward, but a good tired, like I've accomplished something.

Brian doesn't work a lot of evenings this week. This helps my mood a lot. It's one thing for him to be gone eight hours during the day. It's another for him to be gone during the end of the day.

I am also tired because I cried today.

Let me preface that by saying, I have always been overly concerned with what other people think of me. I could fill reams of paper talking about just that very subject. Suffice to say, I worry especially that people will think I'm whiny or complaining or both.

I've been told, multiple times, by multiple people, that what other people think about me is none of my business. It's a valid point, but one that I've failed to internalize.

I've tried very hard to keep a positive outlook on all the things. Job, weight, kids, house, etc. All the things. I have kept my whining and complaining to a minimum. I have two or three friends who get to hear it. To the public, to the people who are FB friends, I've kept a stiff upper lip.

Here's the thing. It occurred to me today that I can be two things at once. I can hold two thoughts in my head at once. I can be incredibly grateful for the outpouring of love and support we've received over the past five months. I can also be sad because of the season we are in right now.

Brian spent a long time being underemployed prior to being unemployed. Being underemployed is tough. It means an utter lack of financial margins. We have no credit cards and while that ultimately is good, it also requires a lot more strategic thinking. Brain power can be in short supply when one's time is spent constantly trying to strategize.

For example.

I go to Costco every two weeks. I mostly know how much I spend there. I am not swayed by the economy packs of Sharpie markers because it's not on my route through the store. I like to eye crazy things, like a gazebo that has speakers, but it's nothing more than eyeing because it's so ridiculously out of our reach.

There are things that we buy like clockwork--bags of salad mix, hot dogs, waffles. Then there are things like Cascade, paper towels, toilet paper, garbage bags. I probably buy those things every few months. I try, as much as possible, to spread out those purchases. Yes, it's cheaper to buy those things at Costco, but the cash outlay for buying them cuts into the other purchases I have to make. So sometimes, I'll buy toilet paper but will grab two rolls of paper towels on a trip through Walmart. Or vice versa.

Again, it seems like a small problem and it is, but it compounds quickly. Every trip I make to the store, whichever store, I am always running the numbers. I am always having to consider how my purchases will impact future produce runs to Aldi or wherever. I have visited the food pantry in the past, but my kids have very specific tastes. There are only three or four vegetables that my kids eat--green pepper, cucumber, baby carrots and red/yellow/orange pepper. Trying to vary from those veggies will mean that I have rotten veggies in my refrigerator.

I'm always, always, calculating the cost of things in my head. If I make a misstep, I beat myself up for it for days.

For example.

Jeremy recently complained about not having any shorts. We went to Walmart, where Brian has a discount. I made the mistake of listening to Jeremy tell me what size he was, versus having him try the shorts on. I spent a total of $20 on his shorts.

None of them fit. Even after buying a belt with my dad, they don't fit.

It's $20, no big deal. Except, $20 has almost always been a big deal for us. It's not the end of the world, but it's frustrating and I end up feeling defeated.

I shared this experience with someone today. They told me Savers has clothes half-price on Mondays. I went after meeting with friends and spent $5 on three pairs of shorts for Jeremy. Score!! (Don't worry, I'll still beat myself up about the squandered $20 on shorts, but at least now I won't have Jeremy walking around, belt tightened as far as it goes, shorts bunched up all around his waist, as evidence of my failure.)

It's just a tough thing. There are so many things I want to do for the kids, things they could benefit from, and I just have to say no. I have had to say no a lot. I don't think saying no to my kids is a bad thing, but there's something about saying no because you *have* to versus saying no because it's the better option. (If that makes sense.)

A lot of being underemployed, or living paycheck to paycheck, is about a lack of choices. Yes, I have food in my fridge or clothes on my back. I am grateful. But it's also a little sad that I don't always get to choose the food or clothes. I graciously accept both and thank my lucky stars, but it's also disappointing sometimes not to have more autonomy.

I will admit, I'm not praying as much as I should. I've started to feel like God has to be annoyed with me for praying the same thing over and over again, kind of like I feel when Doug asks me the same question over and over again (even after I've answered it). I have done my best to get out of myself, to focus on helping other people. I try to remind myself that it could always be worse.

I am glad that the shorts I bought at Savers seem to fit better than the ones I bought at Target. It is hard to dress Jeremy sometimes. He is long and thin, like a string bean, but with broad shoulders. I always hoped he would join the swim team. I guess there's still time for that particular dream to come true.