Ho hum

I don't want to write today. I don't have anything rattling around my skull. I haven't had any epiphanies. I am tired and emotionally spent. I am crying and have been weepy, but there's no underlying reason.

I filled up my gas tank tonight. I usually don't, especially right before Brian gets paid. I usually put just enough gas to get through to payday. That leaves me margins to shop or whatever I need to do.

I drifted off mentally. I took a second to blank out and when I returned, the pump said $75. It was not supposed to.

Ultimately, it's not bad to have a full tank of gas. That is what I have to remember. I worked hard planning meals and so my refrigerator is full. That is a good thing.

My kids are not demanding. They don't want expensive toys or outings. Their biggest demand is for a donut. I stocked my cabinet well. I can make cookies. Then we aren't stopping everyday to buy a donut. That means I'm not tempted to buy something else. That's a good thing.

I am going to have to spend the next 5 days saying "no" a little bit more. I don't like to say no. I don't like the fallout from the kids hearing know. It makes me feel afraid. I am afraid of rejection. I could stand to say no more. That's a good thing.

It's really just five days. The thing that bothers me is that I hate living without margins. I know where my boundaries are, but I am human. I am still making mistakes, still saying yes when I should say no.

I am sad both that I have limitations and that I don't know my limitations sometimes. I am bemoaning that which we don't have (more money) instead of rejoicing in what we do have; a full gas tank, full cabinets and full hearts.

Thankfully, I am a work in progress. God is not done with me. I don't need to internalize criticism about lazy people because I am not lazy. Are we struggling? Yes. Do I hate it? Yes. But I've never worked harder at life in my life.

So maybe that's the lesson. I need to be trusting God, not myself, to meet our needs; I just need to be working on drawing closer to Him. I need to remember that his sacrifice meant there is abundant grace for me. And He will meet all my needs according to His riches in glory.

I guess I know why I'm crying. I'm overwhelmed.