Can't figure out why I've been so dizzy this past week. I started a new antidepressant on Monday night last week. I am not sure if the dizziness is a side effect of the new medication or a side effect of not being on the old medication.
I am not sure why big pharma hasn't come up with a way to help with depression and weight at the same time. I'm not asking for a weight-loss drug--those have long-term proven detrimental to the heart. I'm saying, you have a huge portion of the population (women) who are struggling with depression. There are many reasons for the struggle. But overall, I would say that if they are struggling with depression, they may also be struggling with their weight. So to treat their depression with a medication that causes them to gain weight seems counter-productive. Maybe that's just me.
I ran my first race in six years yesterday. It went well overall. I finished and ran the whole time, the two things I was hoping to do. It's funny, though, because I was hoping to run with my friends. We all got their together. I had told them, several times, that I am not a fast runner. I ran yesterday 3 (barely) sub 15 minute miles. I'm not ashamed about this, but it is reality.
We were all standing at the start line together and next thing I know, the race starts and my friends disappear! As it was, I enjoyed running without being jostled by people. When I ran the Chicago Marathon in 2004, I kept waiting for a point in the course where there would be less people. It never happened. Yesterday's race, with 500 people, was probably crowded toward the front of the pack. It's one of my favorite benefits of being a back-of-the-pack runner; solitude.
I got cheered on by the course volunteers and a spattering of people who were sitting in their front yards, watching people go by. The beauty of running, for me, is that I'm triumphing by just being out there. The physics of a 290-pound person running is pretty impressive. I'm not ashamed of my weight, I'm just saying, it's an accomplishment that I even tried to run. That I run at all, really.
I had put together a playlist of songs for the race. I wanted to make sure I had some fast-paced music to keep me going. There were a few times I was glad for the music. I know some people run without music, but for me it helps me not focus on the recurrent thought that says, "what, are you crazy? stop running already, we're dying out here." The thought that was running through my mind yesterday was "some days you're the hare, some days you're the tortoise." It's a play on the phrase "some days you're the bug, some days you're the windshield."
That thought spun through my head on repeat. I know it seems like a de-motivating thought, but it's not; it's reality. Even world-class runners have bad days, days when their legs feel like lead and they can't find their rhythm. If it's true for them, then it's true for me and that actually elevates me. I took my friend's advice and didn't worry about who was behind or in front of me. I didn't judge myself harshly if people were walking faster than I was running. I didn't beat myself up for not being able to sprint to the finish.
What I didn't anticipate (and couldn't have, really) was that my ending song choice-Queen's We Will Rock You/We are the Champions would elicit such an emotional response! My brother, who had finished long before I got there, crossed the field to help me run into the finish chute. The two factors together caused a catch in my throat.
I had to will myself not to cry! It is nearly impossible to run and cry at the same time--they both consume a lot of oxygen and I was really at my limit already. I turned the corner to the finish chute and had the same feeling I did when I saw the marathon finish line. I couldn't believe I did it. I couldn't believe I had done spiritual battle consistently for 5 months to train for this race. I couldn't believe I had enough humility to run a 5K when I've run such long distances in the past. And really, I couldn't believe how wonderful it felt, in that moment, to experience a spiritual victory that was a long time coming.
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