In the Desert

I am frustrated and so I'm writing. I hope this eases my frustration and helps me sleep.

For years, I have felt like a stranger in a strange land. From 2003 to 2004, I lost about 60-70 pounds. I went from smoking a pack and a half of cigarettes to running marathons. I went from being extremely sedentary to extremely active.

I never reached my goal weight-I couldn't lose the last 30 or so pounds. At that time, I had no kids, a gym membership and time to burn. My downfall started in 2006, when I committed to running two full and two half marathons in one year.

It seemed like a good idea at the time, but what happened was I got burnt out. I lost my passion for running. I also started working retail-the odd schedule wasn't conducive to a healthy lifestyle.

So here I am, blogging, feeling uncomfortable. When I lost that weight, it was invigorating. I felt energized, I felt light, I felt joyful. Making smart food choices was key, but without the healthy movement, I don't think I would have lost that much weight.

I've started and stopped eating plans (I don't diet, but I do try to make better choices with my food). I have refocused my eating plan recently to include freshly-ground wheat. I bought the tools that I would need to make bread for my family. For three months, I've not bought a single loaf of bread from the store.

About a week ago, I started a few more habits. I am drinking 16 ounces of water before I eat anything in the morning, I am taking a fish oil and vitamin D supplement, I'm avoiding distractions while I'm eating.

But I'm stymied with movement. I discovered early into my running career that I have very low arches. It means I wear orthotics and need to spend more money to have specific shoes. Investing in my feet has paid off in that I've stayed largely injury-free, but in times of financial difficulty I struggle to buy new shoes.

The last couple of years, I have purchased two pairs of shoes at tax return time and those have been my shoes all year. The problem is that this last year, I started running again. This caused my shoes to wear more quickly. In December, I started working out again only to also start experiencing back pain. My shoes need replaced and I've no resources to replace them.

It is what it is, though. I'm not trying to get someone to buy me new shoes; I'm just saying, it's frustrating. For me, a healthy lifestyle has to include healthy movement. It's not just about weight-loss; it is about good mental health.

I am a better mom, wife, daughter, etc., when I work out. I am frustrated because I'm impatient; I wish the weight were coming off faster. I am frustrated because I can't believe I've been on this journey for so long. I learned this week about how Abram's impatience with God caused strife with Sarai, Hagar and himself.

Hagar means flight. My notes say, "Perhaps she represents those, who, because of others or because of their own shortcomings, find life increasingly unpleasant. They try to escape from their difficulty instead of facing it with God's help and trusting Him to make a way for him."

So maybe God wants me just to wait for my new shoes. I want to finagle them as an early birthday gift. I want to eat rice and beans for four weeks straight (exaggeration) to afford my shoes. But from what am I running? Maybe God is simply telling me, "wait, Sue. Wait and see what I have for you. It's so much better than finagling shoes. Travel with me; even if the journey is longer than you expect, the outcome is so much better than you could ever imagine."

Maybe I'll just stay frustrated and uncomfortable. I may not be cheerful about it, but I'll do it.