Recovering Packrat

I am a recovering packrat. I come from a long line of packrats. Now, I think that packrat can be a euphemism for hoarder and I think hoarding more accurately describes my predecessors' behavior. That being said, I have worked long and hard against fully embracing that trait.

I remember from a young age that I had a tough time throwing things out. I tended to attach emotion to items and then couldn't bring myself to throw out the item. In high school physics, we had to make a bridge out of pasta that had to bear a certain amount of weight. It was a project I left to the last minute and my mom, God bless her, helped me build it anyway.

The next day in class, everyone took turns with their bridges. The rest of the class took joy in seeing what the breaking point was for their bridges. Not me. When I saw that it bore the correct amount of weight, I stopped adding weight. I kept that bridge for several years and it gathered dust in my room. My mom (as I remember it) didn't have a lot of patience for my brother and me. She has taught first grade for 20+ years and it seemed like she expended all of her patience with those kids. That she took the time to build the pasta bridge with me made a big impression.

I kept notes of all varieties from middle school rolled up and bound with a rubber band. I kept papers from high school that I just knew would turn into great term papers in college (they didn't). I kept drafts upon drafts of papers from different English classes, I held onto different school projects, I kept all sorts of momentos.

My mom will tell you this is perfectly normal behavior. My dad, on the other hand, tosses things out without compunction. Growing up, he would let the paper avalanche in our kitchen reach fever pitch and then, with impunity, would start throwing things away.

I grew up in this dueling atmosphere, where my mom accused my dad of throwing everything away and my dad grew increasingly frustrated with the clutter. It was an interesting dichotomy and I felt an internal struggle for a long time.

After college, I read a book about feng shui and that started to shift my attitude about "stuff." It was also around that time that Peter Walsh started hosting a show on TLC about helping people with their clutter. I started reading different books about organization and de-cluttering. I discovered, through a friend, www.flylady.net, a website created by Marla Cilley. All of these people and books agreed on one thing; the "stuff" is a symptom of something deeper. The "stuff" has more to do with what's going on internally than most realize.

So I went into a huge purge cycle. I cleared out something like 13 garbage bags of stuff from my room at my mom's house. It started a journey that I'm still travelling today.

You see, I'm also a perfectionist. I've not found recovery from that, though, and so as I'm writing this entry, I'm sitting at a desk that is full of "stuff." There is a barette of Bekah's, stickers, blank CDs, bills, address labels, scrapbooking stuff, etc. It is not organized, it is not pretty and it is overwhelming my life and my sense of self.

I am now more like my dad in that I don't hold onto every little thing. I got the idea to take pictures and then throw away/recycle/Goodwill the items. The problem is, I haven't been able to keep up with it for some time. It's overwhelming and discouraging and it's preventing me from experiencing peace.

FLYlady is great because she encourages baby steps. Her idea is that if you work 15 minutes a day, you will eventually organize your entire house. The problem is budgeting 15 minutes every day to do it. I bought a timer that she sells on her website so I could do it the "right" way. I lost the timer; of course, this means I can't do it--nevermind that I've got a timer on my stove and my iPhone.

Peter Walsh is a little harsher and/or more realistic. He also suggests taking baby steps in trying to tackle the clutter problem. In "Does This Clutter Make my Butt Look Fat," he suggests trying to conceptualize what the purpose is for each room in the house. He thinks it's okay to set a boundary with the kids that toys don't belong in mommy and daddy's room. He suggests talking with your partner/spouse about what their expectation is for each space in your house.

I have even helped other people get organized! I have been paid by friends to help them streamline, declutter and simplify. It's easier for me to help other people because I have no emotional involvement in the "stuff."

So I took some drastic measures. Last year, a lady named Stacey from Ace of Space spoke to a mother's group in which I'm involved. I wasn't able to make the meeting, but I knew that I wanted to contact her and ask for her help. She came over last week and I knew I had made the right decision. She wasn't judgemental in the least. I felt at ease with her, I didn't feel shame in showing her around the house, and she was great in dealing with multiple interruptions from Bekah.

She is going to start coming over every week for a few hours to help me. It will probably take a long time to complete the task, but even having her over felt like a burden had been lifted from my shoulders. The extent to which my house is cluttered is embarrassing and does weigh on me in a very real way. I cannot scrapbook because my scrapbooking desk is completely covered in "stuff." Laundry is unmanageable because my laundry room is cramped and filled with clothing of all shapes and sizes. My kids' closets are all stuffed with clothes, their dressers are stuffed and clothes, sheets and assorted other items are spilling out from every corner.

I can't relax at night becuase I feel like the clutter is threatening to attack me. I will say, though, that I have a much lower tolerance than I used to for clutter. My house is not going to be featured in an episode of "Hoarders." I am not someone who frequents thrift stores or buys organizational stuff that just sits, unused. Peter Walsh's philosophy that we don't need more organization, we need less stuff, is a philosophy that I've adopted.

I do make multiple trips to Savers on a monthly basis. I am trying to teach my kids about how important it is that we share our toys with kids who don't have any. I put away our coffeemaker because I don't drink coffee. I try to make small steps, but it's so far gone that small steps just aren't cutting it.

I am hoping, though, that with Stacey's help and with regular work on my part, I will be able to share before and after pictures in a few months that will make me feel lighter. I'm hopeful that clearing the clutter from my house will also clear away "body clutter" (FLYlady's language). I know that one of the reasons I'm carrying extra weight is that the clutter in my house is masking emotions I'm not ready to face.

I'm grateful, too, that the de-cluttering is going to start in February. I hate doing what is expected and I know that most stores cater to those who want to finally get organized. How fortunate that I'm not going to start adopting these philosophies until after the organization pandemonium at stores has died down.

I would hate to be like everyone else.