MOTN (Middle of the Night)

I am not normally awake at 3 AM anymore. This was going to be a FB post, but I thought it would go faster if I sat at the keyboard and typed.

A couple of years ago, I was very angry with God. There was a lot going on in my life that was not great. We were struggling as a family. We had a lot of illness. There was just a lot of external circumstances that weren't great.

I spent a lot of time feeling sorry for myself. I spent a lot of time shaking my fist at God and asking,
"why us?"

Over the past few months, as I have set about trying to change the way I think, I have come to discover that life is about 50/50. Half is good, half is not so good. I have worked hard at taking my emotions out of play when it comes to eating. I have learned how to work on the thoughts that are negative. Sometimes, it means I just let them go. Other times, I have to combat negative thoughts with truth.

In any case, our lives in general have gotten less chaotic. We are not living without problems, but the problems we have today aren't awful.

I have stayed up late a few nights lately, mostly to read. I love to read a good book, but I'm awful at pacing myself. John Sandford novels, in particular, take hold of me and preclude me from putting them down.

Last night, to remedy the previous night's late hour for bedtime, I went to bed early. I was asleep before 10 PM. I was excited to get a good night's sleep.

It's a busy week. Bekah, who dances with Summers Academy of Dance, is performing in the Nutcracker this weekend. She has been preparing for months and is very excited. We have drilled into her the importance of going to bed early and getting plenty of rest. The other three kids all got diagnosed with strep over the weekend. She seemed to sidestep that and I breathed a sigh of relief.

Alas, though, she sidestepped the strep but has fallen to the stomach flu. She woke me at 1 AM to tell me that she had thrown up.

In the past, this would have set off a sequence of events and feelings. I would have been angrily posting on FB or messaging someone or feeling frustrated.

Not one of those things happened.

I navigated over to a group on FB that is one of my tribes of prayer warriors. I posted there asking for prayers. Brian woke up and we prayed together. I didn't freak out or get angry or anything. I surveyed the hallway bathroom where she had missed the toilet. I shut the door and went back to bed.

Then I realized, dried-up vomit is harder to clean than new vomit. So I went downstairs, gathered supplies and cleaned the bathroom. While I was on my knees scrubbing, it occurred to me that I could be praying for people, so I did. After getting everything cleaned up, I realized I didn't have any heavy whipping cream for my coffee in the morning. Brian is headed to Kenosha for a meeting first thing.

So at 2:50 AM, I headed to Jewel. I grabbed some flowers for Bekah, in case she misses her performance this weekend. I remembered that I have a friend celebrating a birthday on Saturday. I got her a card and before I left Jewel, I mailed it off.

I am not typically a sunshine, rainbows and unicorn girl. I have been crabby and short-tempered this week. I don't normally see the glass as half full.

But here's the thing. I feel confident that she will perform this weekend. I have faith that this is a short-acting bug. At the same time, I have absolute peace that if she doesn't perform, it's going to be okay. There will be so many opportunities for her to be in the Nutcracker in the coming years.

I feel this overwhelming sense of peace that I can only attribute to God. I don't see a point in getting all riled up. I hope no one else in the cast falls ill. I hope I can post on Sunday that another Nutcracker is in the books.

I had to write this because I am so baffled by all of this. I feel almost like I'm having an out-of-body experience. This is not fundamentally who I am, and yet I am so comfortable feeling like this.

I am not even sure I will feel like this in 12 hours (or like 4, when my alarm goes off). It might be a very rough day, where I am crabby and short-tempered and get bad news. But I'm not going to live there. I'm going to live in the feelings that I'm having now.

If you're reading this, please say a prayer for Bekah's speedy recovery. I cleaned every surface in the bathroom and every other surface that she could have touched. I have washed my hands and realize there's nothing more I can do but wait and see. Thank you for taking the time to read this and for praying!

Hump Day, Schlump Day

I have been exhausted since I woke up this morning.

Doug's sleep continues to be an issue, which means it's an issue for me. He falls asleep with no major problem, but then wakes up around 2-4 AM, as in wide awake, talking and playing. Today I met with his psychologist who tested him. (I found out at the appointment that he does have ADHD and will need medication. Now the next hurdle is to get him in to see a child psychiatrist, but I've got an appointment set for January.)

Anyway, I woke up to use the bathroom and discovered Doug in bed with us, playing with a plastic shovel. I don't know what he was playing (there are a lot of great narratives in his head) and I didn't care to ask. I did my thing, came back to bed, put my mask back on and started watching YouTube.

Here's the thing. 2-4 AM is not a great time of day for me. My brain, which up to that point in the evening has been playing crazy things in my head. Sometimes those dreams wake me up in a panic or cause me to feel very unsettled.

But once I'm awake, it's like the deejay in my brain switches. It goes from crazy to the oldies. What I mean by that is, I start reliving any painful, embarrassing, uncomfortable experience I have had at any time over the past 39 years of life on Earth. It plays in slow-motion, there's instant replay and even color commentary.

Just for fun, it's also a time when my brain likes to play the ever-popular "What If?" game. This means that I lie in bed and consider all the awful things that could happen. I worry about concrete things, like what if the bathtub from our hallway bathroom falls into the TV room. I also worry about emotional things, like what will happen if the person I said I was going to talk to doesn't talk to me or decided (s)he hates me?

So, really, good, good times. So much fun.

When I finally drift back to sleep, it is under the veil of the negative feelings I get from playing these two games (I hardly ever win). Any sleep I get is minimal and fractured.

But I'm a mom and so I don't get to sleep in or parent from my bed. I have to get up and get going right away, which I did this morning.

The problem was, the morning took a sideways turn before I could even get downstairs.

Jeremy, who is normally dressed immediately upon awakening, was still not dressed at 8:10, when I descended the stairs. I knew this because I heard Brian (my husband) shouting at him at least once to get dressed. I had to yell at him two more times before 8:30 (when my kids leave for school).

Meanwhile, he let me know that he lost his medicine. When pressed, he couldn't tell us what had happened or which medicine he had lost. I called Brian back down (he manages Jeremy's medicine) to determine what medicine Jeremy had lost.

At the same time, I have to get out of the house around 8:30 to get Doug to his therapy (play therapy) appointment. Doug has come downstairs, but is in a pull-up and groggy. I employ Bekah to help me distribute lunch boxes to everyone's backpack. I manage to send her off to school. Jeremy, who has been yelled at about a dozen different times, ends up with a nosebleed. I send him off to school with a wad of tissues and a directive to seek out the nurse if he needs her.

Then it's time for me to take Doug. This means I have to change Brooklyn's diaper, get a coat on her, get her in her carseat, get my lemon and ice water, get graham crackers and get in the van.

The therapy appointment went okay, but afterwards Doug left the building without waiting for me, which didn't make me happy. I dropped him off at school and headed home.

I had volunteer duties at Jeremy and Bekah's school today. I hadn't showered since Sunday (possibly Monday, but I really think it was Sunday), so I felt like I needed to shower. I figured I'd put something on TV for Brooklyn, sneak up, take a shower and dry my hair (cause it's cold outside). (Um, I am shaking my head at 11:00 AM me for thinking I would have time to dry my hair. Bless.)

After showering, I went downstairs and decided I should unload and reload the dishwasher. No biggie, takes me hardly any time. Except that there was standing water in the bottom of my dishwasher. Like, a lot. No biggie, I'll run the garbage disposal, it's probably backed up. Nope, that does nothing. So I start scooping water with a ladle into a bowl and pouring it into the sink. Which is fine, until water starts spilling out of the cabinet directly under the sink. In no time flat, there is water starting to spread all over my kitchen floor.

It is now 11:30. I need to be at school at 11:45. I have no time for this horsecrappery. I urgently call Brian down, we empty the entire cabinet and start trying to dry it out. I am trying to gauge how long I have to wait with him until I can discreetly leave for school.

(Luckily, we have a plan with Nicor where things like this are covered, so we just have to call and start a claim. The process is tedious but manageable and far cheaper than having to pay for crises out of our own pocket.)

After volunteering, I head to see the psychologist who evaluated Doug. Then I find out the plumber can't come out until Tuesday.

You guys.

I cook in my kitchen almost every single day. I make lunches for the kids, I make myself a salad and I cook dinner. I make bread. I make sauce. In short, my kitchen is not for show. I definitely am a heavy kitchen user. I can't wait until next Tuesday to discover the source of the issue (that's not even to fix it, it's just for them to come out and figure out what went wrong).

As I'm leaving the doctor's office, I notice that the gas light has come on, indicating that I am low on fuel. I know Brian has to take Bekah and a friend to dance class, but guys, I'm not kidding. I was so tired and I hadn't eaten lunch and so I just went home. I figured he could work out the gas situation on his own time.

I got home, had lunch and laid down for like 25 minutes.

The rest of the day went off without a hitch, but the string of bad luck made me seriously doubt we were done having our hats handed to us.

Now, I felt down in the dumps and mopey all day long. I can normally rally and send an encouraging text to someone to jump start my own good feelings, but today I just didn't have it.

It is 9:48 and I am absolutely exhausted and sleepy.

The big victory, though, is that none of these bad things that happened caused me to eat outside of my protocol. I felt bloated and gross for part of the day, but even that didn't make me feel poorly enough to dive into the kids' buckets of Halloween candy. So guess what, Wednesday? Suck it, cause I didn't let you completely defeat me.

Primary Purpose

I have a little fear about writing this post. I'm predicting that what I am going to say will not be very popular. Please know that this is a subject about which my views have evolved. I am not sharing it to be preach-y or judge-y. I am sharing in the hopes that it resonates with some, convicts others and helps even one person.

So we're on the eve of one of the biggest holidays of the year, Halloween. Doug, Bekah and I went to a trunk-or-treat event at a local church. This was our second year attending. The trunks were well-decorated and the crowd was bigger than last year.

I have had a love/hate relationship with Halloween. I have been known to have years of abstinence and overindulgence with Halloween candy. My mom reminded me today that one year in particular, I overindulged to the point of illness. I don't remember that, but probably for good reason.

A month after Halloween is Thanksgiving and then it's Christmas. All three holidays have evolved to become food-centric. It's fascinating to walk through WalMart (or any similar store) around this time of year. Front and center are mixes, candy and similar items for each holiday. Then, come January 1, everything switches to healthy eating, healthy food ideas and the like.

Here's my two cents. I will speak about my experience because that's the thing about which I know the most.

Food was designed (or evolved, however you want to look at it) to nourish our bodies and supply it with the necessary energy to function at optimum levels. We all get hungry. It's biological. Our brains have to remind us to eat sometimes if we are overscheduled or stressed out.

As a Christian, I am told in the Bible that my body is a temple. In my mind, that means that my body is supposed to be viewed with reverence. I'm not supposed to idolize my body, but I feel like the idea is that I should treat it with respect. When I don't, my experience has been that it doesn't function well.

I used to smoke. At the end of my smoking tenure, I was smoking a pack and a half of cigarettes a day. My body was not happy with me. I suffered from recurrent migraines, I was overweight and out of breath. That, to me, was not me treating my body like a temple.

For me, any time I use food as anything other than nourishment, I am not treating my body the way God intended me to treat it.

This includes using food to soothe myself, celebrate something, mourn something, get angry about something....you get the idea. Somewhere along the way, I learned that food was the perfect way to do any or all of those things. The point is, that's not what food is meant to do. God is very specific that I am to go to Him with those feelings (good or bad).

I am sure that some might consider me a stick-in-the-mud for asserting that the holidays shouldn't be about food. I get it. I love to bake and I am in my glory (usually) at Christmas. I love to make all different kinds of Christmas cookies. I love to make pumpkin pie and cheesecake and all sorts of sweets. The problem is, I end up eating a lot of the stuff I bake. My body does not respond kindly at all. I usually end up gaining a bunch of weight and spending a lot of time awash in guilt and remorse.

I am finding, the longer I am abstinent from sugar, that sugar is not kind to my body. It doesn't serve me well. Any sugar I ingest usually leads me to ingest more sugar. This ends up not serving me in any kind of positive way. I become sluggish and irritable and obsessed with sugar.

I am not meaning to sound melodramatic. This is actually what happens to me when I consume sugar. For those that are able to consume sugar in normal amounts, my hats are off to you. It's never been kind to my body.

I have also had to become better at monitoring my levels of fullness. In the past, even when I was eating healthy, I would eat too much at mealtimes. Again, this is outside of food's primary purpose. I am not meant to feel bloated, sleepy and guilty after a meal. This has meant altering my eating habits. I now drink a lot of water with my meals. I try to put my fork down between bites. I wait before I take a second helping of something. I try not to let myself get too hungry.

All of these practices serve me well. Writing down what I'm going to eat before I eat serves me well. It means I have to be planful and mindful. It means I am not going to eat emotionally. I don't have to spend a lot of time considering my food because I already know what I'm going to eat.

This also means that I have more free time to focus on God. Eating is not about celebrating, so I celebrate with God. If I'm angry, I pray. If I'm sad, I cry and then I pray. If I'm feeling anxious, I practice some deep breathing and I pray. The point is, when I am not treating my body like a temple, I am usually also not putting God at the center of my day and my life. Food can become an idol just like anything else. God doesn't appreciate us having idols, even if it's one that society tells us is okay.

I plan, this holiday season, to celebrate with friends and family by being present. That means continuing to do what I've already been doing. I will have Thanksgiving dinner planned ahead of time--that way, when the meal happens I won't be focused on the food, I'll be focused on the people around my table. I might bake a few cookies for Santa, but I won't spend hours baking and I won't triple the recipe.

My plan is to reach December 31 weighing less than I do right now. My plan is to continue to follow the protocol I've been following. I want to keep food in it's rightful place, as a fuel to power my body.

False Evidence Appearing Real

It is so cold today. Since losing some weight, I am cold a LOT. Fall is definitely here and it's probably my favorite season, but good lord, I'm freezing.

Brian is in Kenosha and Brooklyn is sleeping, so I am taking advantage of having his computer available to write a little earlier in the day than I normally would.

I listened to/watched a fascinating webinar by Bob Heilig on Saturday. He had a lot of good things to say. The one idea he discussed was about fear.

Fear and I are well-acquainted. It's been a long-term friendship, albeit a toxic one that has stunted my growth in some ways.

Bob talked about rational fear and irrational fear. Rational fear is what happens when you're in an airplane and someone is trying to push you out without a parachute. Your brain is telling you, rightly so, that you are going to die.

Irrational fear is fear that tells you you're going to die when faced with a situation that isn't life-threatening.

For example, whenever I sit down to write a blog post, my brain starts telling me, "no one wants to read what you have to say! No one is interested! Didn't you see the stats from yesterday? People aren't interested."

It can be a very palpable thing, something I absolutely feel in my chest and the pit of my stomach.

I have a choice, though, about how I'm going to handle the fear.

My first choice is to let it rule my life. I can hire it as my life's manager and allow it to make all of my decisions. Any time I'm at a crossroads, I can consult with my fear and see how it feels I should proceed. The outcome from living this way will not be good. It can rob me of rich life experiences, it can rob me of joy and it can cut me off from God.

The other choice, then, is to let faith rule my life. Faith is the opposite of fear. Having faith doesn't mean I'm an automaton. It means, quite simply, that I'm not going to let fear make my decisions. Rather, I'm going to invite God into my decision-making process. I'm going to consult with women and men who are wiser than I, who have walked my path (or a similar path) before. I'm going to ask them how they feel about the choices in front of me.

A life that is lived with faith making the decisions is a rich one. It is not always easy. It doesn't mean that I won't be rejected, that people won't choose to leave me, or that every day will be sunshine and rainbows. In my mind, this life has more peace in it because I am not fighting against God. I am trying, on a daily basis, to be a better version of myself.

Bob also talked about walking toward your fears, especially as they relate to your gifts. I firmly believe that God has given me a talent with my writing. It's a gift. I'm not bragging or being egotistical. I enjoy writing, I feel I excel at it and what I say can resonate with people.

It's really no surprise, then, that fear would attack me as I'm sitting down to write something. So Bob says I have to walk toward the fear. Sometimes, this is easier said than done.

Case in point, I had the opportunity to hang out with some women last night. I am an extrovert by nature, so normally this would have been a no-brainer. However, I didn't know these particular women very well. I love to meet new people, but I can get in my head about things in no time flat. So I made the decision to go, but I was very apprehensive. I figured if worse came to worse, I could feign an emergency with the kids and bail. Not the best solution, but it's where I was at.

When I arrived at my friend's house, I tried to settle in. I didn't feel like I immediately fit well into any of the conversations. I had brought my dinner with me, so I sat quietly and ate as everyone else arrived. One of the women was going to lead a meditation. I didn't know what to expect about that, either, but I've been trying hard to incorporate meditation into my daily routine.

By the end of my time there, I not only felt more comfortable but am even more excited to get to hang with these women again in a couple of weeks! That's not to say I'm best friends with anyone there, but it also means that the right decision was to step out of my comfort zone.

When those things happen, when I step out of my comfort zone and am rewarded (even if it's just a small reward), it makes me more willing to step out of my comfort zone again. There is a quote by Roy T. Bennett that says, "you never change your life until you step out of your comfort zone; change begins at the end of your comfort zone."

I can tell you, the radical changes I've made in the way I eat and in what I eat have not always been comfortable. I have been stepping out of my comfort zone in my business life. This is not comfortable. I would much rather just play mindless games on my phone. I would rather just eat the things I've always eaten and done the things I've always done.

The problem is that staying in the comfort means I'm staying in a place that isn't serving me. When I eat all the things and play games obsessively, I end up weighing close to 300 pounds, with Type II Diabetes, high blood pressure, high cholesterol and a bevy of other health issues.

The place I'm at now, where I'm headed toward a healthier weight and lifestyle, where I'm trying to grow my business and help more people, is serving me very well. I am off of several prescriptions, I sleep well, my clothes fit me better, I have more energy, I am much better company than I once was.

If the admission to that place, the one I'm currently occupying, is to walk through fear, then sign me up. I might still be timid and I might not gallop blindly into it, but I am ready to go. I am tired of living a small life, one with more problems than solutions. I don't expect sunshine and rainbows every day but only because that's just not realistic. Rainbows only happen after it rains. Instead of complaining about that, I'll just start carrying an umbrella.

Happy Exercise

I am exhausted but determined to write something tonight.

It was a long day and I started off feeling very discouraged about the state of my house. After some list-making and prayer, I got to work. I am so close to being done with laundry, yay! And I managed to do a bunch of other things that had been bugging me.

I've been wanting to talk a little bit more in detail about exercise. I feel like I touched on it in another post, but I have a few more things to say about it.

I grew up being very active. I swam on a team from the age of 6 through high school. I played soccer and softball as well. I enjoyed running around, riding my bike, playing volleyball, etc.

I was always the girl in gym who tried a little too hard. I ended up sweaty and smelly while the other girls stood around, afraid to break their nails.

Once I hit college, though, something shifted. I loathed running and wanted to swim. Without a formal team around me and a coach in front of me, though, I couldn't get myself to focus and complete a regular workout consistently.

I would walk some and I remember doing a Cindy Crawford workout with my friend Chante in her dorm room, but nothing really clicked.

Twelve or so years ago, when I first started trying to lose weight, I started small. I aimed to walk 30 minutes a day. I walked in all kinds of weather. I walked in all kinds of different places. I didn't have a heart rate monitor or GPS or anything. I just made it a daily habit to walk.

At the time, I was smoking a pack and a half of cigarettes. I knew I needed to quit, so I started taking Zyban. About six months before that, I found a Couch to 5K program online and started following it on the treadmill at the gym. I got a watch and was able to run around the track inside the gym.

My first 5K was at Northwestern in November of 2002. It was a cold day and I didn't run fast, but I did run the whole thing.

My first half marathon was in 2003, the North Shore Half Marathon in Highland Park. Everyone had failed to mention that Highland Park was built on a ravine. I couldn't walk for two days. It was brutal.

From there, I decided to tackle the marathon. I ran the Chicago Marathon for the first time in 2004. Keep in mind, I had no kids and my (then) boyfriend was working a full-time and part-time job. I had a lot of free time and very few responsibilities. I was able to take my time getting the long runs done and then had ample time for recovery.

I took most of 2005 off because we got married that year and Brian made me promise I wouldn't do any big races that year. I was the thinnest I've been in adulthood when I got married. I got down to about 178, as I recall.

Again, keep in mind I had no kids and no real responsibilities. I was eating food laden with preservatives and following the letter but not the spirit of the WW program.

In 2006 I made a fatal error and tried to train for two full marathons. By the time I ran the Chicago Marathon that fall, I was burnt out. I didn't want to run anymore. We still had a gym membership, but I had started working retail. Those hours are not conducive to a healthy schedule. I started to put the weight back on.

While I was pregnant with Jeremy (our oldest), I hardly exercised. I was working on my feet all day and was so exhausted that the thought of working out was too much.

I did not have gestational diabetes with Jeremy, but I put on a lot of weight during that pregnancy. After he was born, I still couldn't manage to get to the gym a lot. We got pregnant with Bekah pretty quickly and I did end up developing gestational diabetes during that pregnancy (and with my subsequent pregnancies).

I have to say, it was tough to reboot my workouts after Bekah was born. There was a part of me that was kind of humiliated that I let myself go. Plus, in my mind, I was a marathon runner. How could I start all over again?

Meanwhile, I was trying to track my calories and/or points, depending on what point in time it was. For a while I had the WW fitness tracker. I got pretty active (and obsessive about how many points I had earned), but I ate all the points I could.

Before getting pregnant with Brooklyn, I rediscovered my love of running. I decided to run a half marathon with Team World Vision. I had a lot of fun doing it, but then I had three kids and my recovery time was usually nil.

Due to complications, I was not able to work out very much (if at all) while pregnant with Brooklyn. I wish I could say I tried to eat well, but I wanted comfort and chose to seek it in the bottom of cookie boxes.

My point to all of this is, I have spent a lot of time exercising as a way of losing weight. I am always interested in how many calories I've burned. I'm trying to burn and expend more calories than I eat. It becomes a very legalistic, measured thing. If I don't exercise, I hate myself. I feel like crap. It darkens the mood of the whole day.

So when Kristin told me exercise should be a stress-reliever, not a stressor, my mind was blown. I decided to find a level of exercise that fit into my day, that didn't exhaust me but did help me feel good. In June I walked an obscene amount of miles as a way of kick-starting things. It was hard to see the mileage drop in July, but now I feel like I've found the level that works for me.

I aim to walk 3 miles a day, 2-3 days a week. On the weekend, as time allows, I take Scout on a leisurely walk. I don't even start my Nike Run Club app. We just go for a walk and I let her stop and smell everything she wants. I don't stress that I'm not walking fast enough or far enough or whatever. I just walk. I look around. I pray. I say hello to people.

I have just added in some strength training. I use the Gorilla app. I started at the beginner level (which hurts my ego but is honest). I paid $9.99 to unlock all the workouts. I have started at the beginning of the fundamental challenge. I try not to think about how far along I was working for a year and a half with the best trainer ever. I am finding it takes me about 10 minutes to get through a workout. 10 minutes is manageable for me. Will my body be shredded in 20 workouts? Probably not, but I know building lean muscle is a good thing. I know I feel better when I am doing some strength training. So even today, when the day had gotten long in the tooth, I sucked it up and got it done.

It is humbling to walk for 3 miles when just two years ago, I ran 13.1. My brain still likes to sneer at my current effort. And that's fine, I try to manage my own expectations.

The thing is, it's so FREEING to not be putting crappy food in my body and then forcing myself to workout for an hour and a half to work off the crappy food. I am putting so much nutrient-dense food in my body that I don't feel obligated to workout. I workout because I actually enjoy it. I workout because I feel better when I work out.

Bottom line, if the exercise doesn't serve me, I toss it aside. I have spent a lot of time wasting energy trying to exercise the "right" way for the "right" amount of time. It's not gotten me anywhere in the long run. I feel like I'm much better off walking (and yes, eventually running) in a way that doesn't feel like punishment.

...but I get up again....

This weekend has been a whirlwind of activity. Yesterday was a busy day from sunup to sundown.

I started my Saturday morning in the usual way, then headed home to grab a very short nap, pick Doug up from his Saturday class and get some coffee.

I love Starbucks. I think it's an excellent company that treats its employees well and has a positive impact on the communities it serves.

I was having an issue, though. Up to about six weeks ago, I would buy iced coffee, accumulate reward stars and have a Frappucino as a reward. The problem now is that I have cut sugar out of my diet. There is so much sugar in a Frappucino! I know it won't serve me well to have one, even if it's just one a month.

So instead, I have started frequenting a coffee shop in Crystal Lake called Conscious Cup. I have started to enjoy the flavor of the coffee (versus the flavor of the creamer). Drinking one cup of full-flavored coffee versus half a pot of crappy coffee. I also stopped buying the big containers of flavored creamer. Coscto sells a box of single-serving French Vanilla creamer. There are 180 in the box. I use one of those and then two tablespoons of whole milk (the only milk we drink) per cup of coffee (keeping in mind that the mug I use is larger than a standard coffee mug.

After coffee on Saturday, I came home, put Brooklyn down for her nap and got ready for my haircut and style. I had a gala to attend that is a fundraiser for my daughter's dance company.

Shockingly, I'm not typically a gala person. I didn't attend last year, so we made sure I was able to attend this year. I am hoping to have Brian attend with me next year.

I had some anxiety going into the evening. I am an extrovert, but it's easier for me to walk into a huge room of strangers when I have a wingperson. As it turns out, one of the other moms brought her parents and her mother-in-law. I hit it off with them and we had a really lovely evening.

Meanwhile, I had posted some pictures on FB asking for people's opinion about what dress I should wear. The one option definitely screamed gala, but it was a little snug. Hesitantly, I tried it on yesterday and discovered that it fit me perfectly.

I felt silly having people take my picture, but I opted for a couple of shots because it's so seldom that I look so nice.

I had some major victories while at the gala. I stayed away from any kind of bread, be it the dinner rolls or melba toast in the appetizers. I turned down the dessert tray and gave away my truffles.

And you know what? It wasn't even a thing. Aside from needing more water (I could have gone for a carafe of it being on the table), I felt no jealousy about others eating desserts or enjoying their potatoes. For me, the desserts were not so much off limits to me (which means I'm fighting against the urge to eat them--this will eventually lead to me caving in to them) as they didn't serve me (this gives no value to the food, it's neither good or bad, so I'm not wasting energy "resisting" it.).

This was a huge accomplishment for me. I followed that up with a walk and some strength training today (even though I really wanted to take a nap).

To top it off, I ate my lunch in today. That is to say, rather than eating, I skipped a meal and let my body use the energy from my fat stores. I got to dinner feeling hungry but not starving (which always makes me shake my head in surprise. I am eating less food less frequently but am half as hungry as I used to feel all the time.

I feel like there's more to say, but I am very sleepy and need some rest! I've written my protocol down and am ready to start another week.

I Get Knocked Down....

The last few days, I have spent the whole day planning what I was going to say. Then, over the course of the day, I feel like I need to take the post in a different direction.

Today is weigh-in day. This used to be a day I would dread. I have been at this for a long time. This particular leg of my journey started six weeks ago. Most people probably wouldn't publish their actual, real live weight on a blog post.

I, of course, am not most people.

I was in Lane Bryant today (exchanging a bra I bought three weeks ago for a smaller size, no big deal). They have done an amazing job of embracing and advancing the idea of beauty at all sizes. The models they have on display are stunning, even if they don't have the typical model physique.

For me, aiming to be smaller is not about rejecting the person I am or the way I look. I think I am more beautiful now than I was at 20. I think that has a lot to do with the fact that I am more at peace with myself now than I was then.

But the fact of the matter is, weighing 278 pounds puts a tremendous strain on my body, both inside and out. It makes my heart and other organs have to work harder. My knees start to object whenever I try strenuous activity. I am winded easily. I am hot all the time. I feel hungry all the time. I am tired after I eat.

I navigated to the BMI calculator on the nih.gov website. My current weight is 248.2 (that's a whopping 30.8 pounds gone after 6 weeks). That means my current BMI is 39, which puts me in the obese range. For fun, I entered a weight of 160 and at that weight, my BMI would be 24.3, which would put me in the normal weight category, albeit at the high end.

Now, I know some of you are screaming and railing against the use of BMI as a calculation for a healthy weight. I am not saying that it's a perfect measure, but again, it's a number. It doesn't define me or negate any accomplishments I've had. It doesn't mean that once I arrive at that weight (and set up camp, I might add) that all of my problems will melt away. That's just not how life works. I accept that. I'm just trying to use a standard measurement so that I know where to aim.

I didn't do as well today as I would've liked. I ate too much at dinner. I feel slightly uncomfortable sitting here writing. It's not the worst I've ever done. In fact, the amount I ate tonight that was too much wouldn't have bothered me six weeks ago. Now, however, I feel overinflated. It is a tough feeling, to fail. I'm not saying I failed at everything, but let's be honest. I am an all-or-nothing kind of gal and so it's easy to say I should just give up.

I am grateful, though, for a fairly functional brain that tells me not to throw in the towel. It tells me I need to work the model on what happened. And I know what happened. I have developed the awful habit of eating in front of the TV. I will admit that by dinnertime, I am just done. I don't want to talk to anyone, I'm done hearing fart and knock knock jokes, I don't care about Minecraft and I don't want to be peppered with inane questions. I just want to sit in front of the TV with my plate of food, my bottle of water and not think too much.

Tonight, it was all of that compounded by a hectic evening. Bekah's dance company has a gala tomorrow. They had dress rehearsal tonight. I didn't plan well and had to run to a nearby dance store to buy her a pair of tan jazz shoes. I was disappointed because I tried Payless and the closest location that had them was in Bloomingdale, which is far away from Crystal Lake. I am not asking for sympathy, I'm just laying out the facts. I didn't plan well and paid dearly for it.

The gala is being held at the SanFilippo estate in nearby Barrington. I had never been there before, on top of the fact that navigation is not my strong suit. There were a lot of country roads with very little streetlights. Once I got onto the estate, I had no idea where I was going. I couldn't find a parking spot. You get the idea--what I thought was going to be a cut and dry thing turned into a whole production.

So by the time I got home, it was almost 8, which is my cutoff time for dinner. Again, I didn't write a specific protocol for this week. Had I sat down and planned, I could have planned to take something with me, or pushed dinner time out to 8:30, just for this one night. The protocol is as much about deciding ahead of time what I'll eat as it is about when I will eat. That way, I am making decisions about what to put in my body long before I start to feel hungry.

Upon arriving at home, I started heating up my meal. Brian had gone to take Brooklyn to bed. The boys were roughhousing with each other. I tried to keep them quiet, to no avail. I was on the edge of hangry and wasn't managing my emotions very well. (And honestly, I probably wasn't on the edge of hangry so much as I was on the edge of bedtime, a time of day that could short even Mother Theresa's fuse.) So instead of heating up my meal, assembling it all on a plate, heading over to the dining room table, taking a deep breath and starting to eat, I stood at the counter, taking bites in between trying to pick Brooklyn up (she wasn't ready to go to sleep) and/or try to stop her from grabbing food off of my plate.

For. Real. It was like I was in a hidden camera show called "How Not to Eat," specifically, the before segment. I managed to drink a lot of water, but rather than skipping the couscous (I was eating a sweet potato), I ate my half of a sweet potato and the couscous. Again, not a heinous amount of extra food, but enough to put me past the point of satiety. Because I've been aiming to stop eating just as I'm starting to feel full, it felt uncomfortable.

However, I didn't just throw up my hands, say "eff it" and dive into a bowl of popcorn. I took Brooklyn to her room and rocked and nursed her to sleep. I've decided I am actually quite happy that lunch is so far away. It will give my body a chance to finish digesting what I've eaten tonight.

I am not going to let myself be derailed because of one bad meal. I have a long way to go, that is for sure. My short-term goal is to be able to wear my wedding ring by the time Christmas rolls around. It might be a bit of a stretch, but I feel up to the challenge.

Speaking of Christmas, I have spent the past couple of days researching recipes for the holidays. I plan to do a test run on a couple of them to see if the family objects. I know if I show up with untested dishes or dishes with too many exotic ingredients, everyone will balk. I already know I do not want to eat foods that don't serve me, even on a holiday.

I feel like I have spent a lot of my life using food to celebrate things. It's part of our culture, right? Jim Gaffigan, one of my all-time favorite comedians, riffs on this idea. He asks, "how should we celebrate our independence day? Well, by eating a brat and a burger. And then some pie." Right? I mean, it's the way we do it, but it doesn't seem to be serving us well as a country.

So I have decided not to do pumpkin pie or pecan pie or Christmas cookies or really, December cookies, because who just bakes and eats Christmas cookies only on Christmas? (Similar to my idea that Halloween candy purchased and/or eaten before Halloween is just single serve candy in a fancy package.)

I am stepping out of the stream of thought that it's okay "just this once" or "hey, you gotta live a little." For me, the new way I'm doing things is serving me really well. I feel amazing. I have energy. I have clarity of mind. I am not in a constant brain fog, or constantly tired, or running around like a chicken with its head cut off. I am able to sleep well and wake up ready to hit the ground running. My skin looks amazing, my hair is shiny, my head doesn't hurt all the time.

In short, I have worked very hard over the past six weeks to heal my body. I have spent time considering what I will eat and drink (water--lots and lots and lots of water), when and how often I will exercise, how much I will sleep, etc. It may seem like a chore, or that I'm not having any fun, but really the opposite is true. I don't spend hours thinking about food. I already know what I'm going to eat for the day, so there's no need to spend time thinking about it. It's already written down. I've already decided when I'm going to have my one serving of dark chocolate, and what's more, if I feel like it won't serve me well, I decide not to have it and I don't feel bummed at all.

Why, then, would I choose to go back? I have nothing to gain back where I was. The only option, then, is to pick myself up, take stock of what went wrong, and aspire to make better choices in the future.

How to Shop Without Losing Your Mind (well, without losing more of it)

Good evening, faithful readers! I hope all is well on your end of the screen. Today started off in a rough way for me, but the day seems to be ending a bit better.

Doug's sleep problems persist. We had received a recommendation for a psychiatrist in Crystal Lake, so I made an appointment for him...in January. Meanwhile, his neurologist wanted him to get tested...in Park Ridge. It's a lovely town, but far away from Crystal Lake.

This morning, he was awake before 5 AM (for how long no one knows), fiddling with our vacuum cleaner. It's not the ideal way to wake up, especially when it's two hours before I *actually* have to get up.

We went through this same situation with Jeremy. After he was diagnosed with ASD, ADHD and SPD, he was given medication to help regulated the ADHD and also to help him sleep at night. I usually don't sing Big Pharma's praises, but in Jeremy's case it has helped him tremendously. When Jeremy was struggling with sleep, it wasn't affecting as many people. Now when Doug doesn't sleep, it has the potential to negatively impact the entire household.

So I made an appointment at the office where Jeremy and I see (different) psychiatrist(s). I will be taking Doug tomorrow and though it will be a few weeks before we arrive at answers, I'm optimistic that the sleep issue will be resolved before Christmas.

Aside from that, Brooklyn seems to be cutting all the remaining teeth in her mouth at once. She is a snotty, congested mess. It's been tough to adjust my expectations about having "just" Brooklyn at home. I had a vision of getting all the things done, but I'm finding it's almost tougher to complete things when it's just her.

I try to remember that my main job is to be a mom, not a household manager. When I keep my focus there, I have a lot more peace and serenity.

Okay, so now on to shopping.

One of the things I struggle with when someone mentions a new way of eating is how do I shop? I am a creature of habit. I have my pre-determined route through the supermarket hardwired into my brain. God forbid they change the layout of my favorite store! It can take weeks before I re-learn my path. Those weeks' trips involve a lot of circling back and muttering things under my breath.

Then I struggle with the menu. I have two kids (the boys) who have sensory issues. I can't just upend the entire menu or I'm cooking multiple meals a night.

But I am an all-or-nothing person, so I spend the most time fighting against my own brain. That is the beginning of what, in the past, has triggered a shut down. Instead of figuring all this out, I scroll through Pinterest recipes and eat pizza. (This may or may not have happened when I made the ill-advised decision to be a vegetarian.)

So I have to keep it simple. I'd like to make zoodles or whatever, but mostly I'd like it in a world where I have endless time and every major pot and pan from the Williams-Sonoma catalog. The reality for me is four children, a dog, two guinea pigs and a revolving door of characters from the neighborhood. I need my food to be simple.

I also need my food to taste good. Not in a heavily processed, store-bought way, but in a flavorful way. I don't want to eat kale and celery all the time. I don't think that ends up being sustainable (for me, anyway). I would love to try bok choy and fennel and other mysterious veggies, but my husband and kids balk at my ideas to introduce brussel sprouts, which is one of my favorite things (true story, no one else eats them and I can't eat an entire pan of brussel sprouts without severe gastrointestinal consequences).

But I digress.

I am also crazy busy and don't have time to hit more than a few stores. I have tweaked my shopping experience and narrowed it down to two main stores. I do a Target run every other week for diapers and other random bits as needed.

So I shop at two stores, Costco and Aldi. I used to shop for most of my produce at Aldi, but with my recent shift in protocol, I'm finding it more cost effective to get (most) of my produce at Costco.

I hit Costco pretty hard. I buy their organic ground beef, ground turkey (they come in multipacks, where each of the packs is one pound), skirt steak (which we use for fajitas or just for a delicious meal), chicken breasts (they come in a similar multipack and are the thicker kind), then a bag of frozen chicken breasts (these ones are in a 10-lb bag in the freezer section). I also buy a pack of sliced cheese and some lunch meat for Brian.

Then I head over to produce. I grab a bag of lemons (for my daily warm lemon water), a bag of sweet potatoes, a bag of avocados. Then I head into the refrigerator and grab two bags of romaine hearts (this is the most I can fit in my refrigerator. I chop up one romaine heart per day for my salad, so I end up coming back before the 2-week mark to get one more). I also grab a package of the tri-colored peppers, baby portabella mushrooms, cherry tomatoes and the veggie platter. I love the veggie platter because the veggies are chopped up and easy to throw into the microwave in a steam bag (check them out in the food storage section at Target or WalMart--they are major time savers) for dinner. At $9.99, it's an amazing value. We go through two every two weeks. For real, it's a lifesaver.

I usually don't buy fruit at Costco. I don't eat any fruit on my current protocol and Brian only eats a small amount. The kids eat some fruit, but we have never been able to eat through a Costco-sized portion of fruit before some of it goes bad. The only exception to this is apples, which Jeremy eats like most kids eat candy.

I then head over to the freezer section to buy the aforementioned chicken breasts, popcorn chicken (a necessary evil in my house). Then it's on to string cheese, Mexican shredded cheese, eggs, milk, butter. I just discovered, on my last pass through Costco, hardboiled eggs that are already peeled. For. Real. Gamechanger. I don't care how many articles I read on Pinterest, boiled eggs are my Everest. It may be a little costly, but because I won't be standing over a sink of mangled eggs swearing at the idea of boiling them, it's well worth it.

I do pick up some Veggie Straws and assorted chips, but those are for Brian and the kids.

At Aldi, I buy green bell peppers, spinach (the container at Costco is too big for my refrigerator), grapes, dark chocolate, lunch meat for the kids, oatmeal for Brian, garbanzo beans, couscous and any spices I know I've run out of. I also buy hot dogs (you can clutch your pearls, I get it, they're the worst and I agree with you), tortillas, salsa, or whatever other small cans of things I need. I don't shop for those things at Costco because I have a major storage issue at my house (or lack thereof). I may also buy bacon and sour cream at Aldi. Aside from that, like I said, I buy most of my things at Costco.

Now, when I get home I do not make salads in mason jars or pickling jars or any other kind of jar. Again, I have a side-by-side refrigerator that is original to my house (which was built in the early 90s). I have been informed by multiple repairmen that it will probably last forever. Our precarious financial situation has made replacing a working refrigerator just a pipe dream. I have just enough room to store the bounty from Costco and Aldi. I did just do a major purge of the freezer, where I found artifacts predating Doug's birth (he's 6). After clearing a lot of that out, I am happy to report that the only thing in my freezer is meat, onions, dark chocolate and some baby food trays filled with frozen lemon juice.

Every morning at around 11:00 AM, as I am sipping my coffee, I pull out all the relevant ingredients for my salad, chop them up and throw them in my 2.5 cup Rubbermaid bowl. I stick it back in the refrigerator until about 1:45 (or when I am hungry), pull it out, drizzle some salad dressing, put the lid on, shake it up, voila! Salad!

I have been finding that if I do plan well, I only have to actually cook 3-4 nights a week. I tend to only eat one serving of whatever meal I have (plus 1/2 a sweet potato or some couscous) at a meal. This means that even if everyone else eats one serving, there are typically enough for one or two night's worth of leftovers. The chili recipe I found (which is amazing) will last us almost all week. I can only eat a bowl full of it before I am really full.

Ultimately, I want to cook simply but cook food that is full of flavor. I have had some meals flop while others are wildly successful. I made meatballs today and everyone (boys included) were over the moon for them. I don't take it personally if people don't like what I cook. Typically, my chicken dishes have fallen flat, but then that becomes chicken I add to my salads.

We throw out a very, very small amount of food. We have gotten in a good routine with leftovers. I try to cook on nights that are not chock full of activity, so on the nights we are busy we can just pull things out and heat them up.

I don't think I intended to write this much about shopping, but I hope that it helps! I don't feel like it needs to be fancy or expensive--in fact, I think those two things can make the whole thing unsustainable.

Please drop a comment if you have any questions, I'd love to answer them! Thanks for reading!

Feelings (What are They Good For?)

It has been a long day. I am looking forward to putting my head on the pillow tonight. I feel like I earned rest today.

I want to try and tackle two things today. The first is feelings. It's a huge topic, I know, but I will narrow the scope to feelings as it pertains to weight loss and lifestyle changes.

I have talked before about how I grew up learning to eat my emotions. I quite excelled at it, actually. I have had periods of time in adulthood where I've done better than others.

I cringe sometimes when I flip through TimeHop and see some of the things I posted about over the years. I have aired a lot of grievances, frustrations and disappointments. I don't think there's anything wrong with that, per se, but I think it speaks to my emotional health at the time. There also seems to be some correlation between how well I was doing emotionally and how successful I was at losing weight.

I have been spending a lot of time recently listening to Brooke Castillo's podcasts. I really enjoy her. She has a lot of wisdom and the way she communicates resonates with me. I find myself nodding along a lot with her as I walk or work in the yard.

One of the repeating themes in her podcasts is that feelings are vibrations. I like this idea because it takes the value out of feelings. They are not inherently good or bad, they just are. Most feelings are temporary and not all feelings can be trusted.

I am fortunate now to have some very close friends who are good at helping me interpret my feelings. In any given day, I can be feeling highly motivated, like a failure or like a dragon momma. It has served me well to go to my friends and have them help me see the truth. I need objective people in my life because I don't perceive reality correctly. I have a warped sense of how things are and it colors everything I do. Some people are better than others at calling bullshit or pushing me to examine things more closely.

So how does this pertain to eating? I'll give an example.

I will confess that I started writing this week's protocol, got sidetracked by Brooklyn and mislaid my notebook. I have an idea in my mind of what I want the week to look like. I have stuck to my general framework and I've not strayed from the paleo-ish diet.

The weather has contributed to a general malaise. I ended up taking a short nap yesterday because I felt sapped. Today, I woke up at 5 AM again and slept fitfully until 7:45, when Bekah informed me that I needed to make lunches for everyone.

I had a choice today, as I do every day. I could have chosen to stay on the couch watching YouTube videos. I could have taken another nap. I could've decided, "hey, it's raining and I can't walk--I'll just eat all the things."

I *felt* crappy. I *felt* discouraged. I *felt* low.

But here's the thing. Those are just feelings. I can choose to feel the vibrations of them and wait for them to pass, or I can allow myself to set up camp in them and let them rule my day.

Today, I chose to keep moving. I cleaned the kitchen. I purged some things from my closet. I tried on some things from my closet. I threw out garbage. I straightened up. I went to Costco to buy more veggies. I made my salad. I baked a batch of homemade bread.

I can tell you, I am sitting here writing this and I'm still feeling a little low, a little discouraged and a little crappy. I don't think that action cures all that ails me. But today, action did prevent me from taking a detour from where I want to go into where I don't want to be.

(As an aside, I need to say that I struggle mightily with depression. That is in a different class and I don't think it should be construed that depression is just a feeling. When I am feeling legitimately depressed, I definitely take the necessary action to correct things.)

For a few weeks, I spent a few minutes every morning reading scripture and doing some other devotional readings. Once school started, it became difficult to fit that in. I used to stay up until the wee hours of the morning; now I'm in bed no later than 11. I decided that it was important that I fit my quiet time into my morning routine. So for the past couple of mornings, I've set my alarm (instead of letting myself wake up naturally around 7:30) and gotten up.

This is also not a cloak of protection against feelings that don't serve me, but it does help me get off on the right foot. I start every morning with prayer and it's a way of giving God the reins for the day and being willing to sit in the backseat. I confess that I grab the reins back several times throughout the day, but I am working hard to keep a constant dialogue with him. It helps me and it serves my family well if I am communing with God before I commune with them.

I guess what I'm trying to say is that stopping overeating or trying to change one's lifestyle is not *just* about changing the food. There is a lot of inside work that has to be done. I don't think what I am trying to do would have long-term success if I wasn't willing to do the hard work of examining my feelings. Ms. Castillo firmly believes that thoughts drive feelings, which turn into action and determine results. If I want to change the trajectory of my life, I have to start on the inside.

(And I know I said "first" earlier. I was intending to talk about how I shop with this new protocol in place. I am sitting here, though, yawning, and realizing that this is enough to talk about for one night. Stay tuned, my next post will definitely be about shopping!)

A Treatise Against Counting Calories

I know this is going to be polarizing for some people. Let me say up front, this is something that works for me. It is purely an opinion. I have some backing from books I've read, but ultimately this is an opinion I've derived from years of experience. It may or may not work for you, my reader. I am happy to open a dialogue about it. I don't want to derail anyone's progress. If counting calories works for you (meaning you are seeing significant results, either pounds or inches lost), then read this with that frame of reference. If, however, you've been counting calories with pinpoint precision and *not* seeing results, this may be for you.

Once upon a time, my mom told me about Weight Watchers. I joined back in 2004, right around the time they launched their points program.

I had fairly remarkable success. I was able to shed about 80 or so pounds. I did it in about a year. I kept religious records, filling in all of my food journals.

After a while, I kind of knew the deal. I knew what to eat every day *in order to stay within my points.* This is important. I learned great things about portion control and the importance of eating foods high in fiber. I learned how to read a nutrition label. What I didn't learn was what food I should eat to nourish and fuel my body.

I used to go to Jewel and buy Lean Cuisine frozen dinners in bulk. I would eat one for lunch and one for dinner. I knew which ones tasted good and which ones were high in points but low on being filling. I knew I had to drink plenty of water to feel full.

Add to this the points I would "earn" by exercising. Those meant I could eat more, right? I mean, what's the point of killing myself at the gym if I can't reward myself?

Now, at the point that I was in WW, I had cut out white sugar. I think this ultimately contributed to my ability to lose weight. I understood that sugar was harmful to me, but I didn't understand the extent to which it was destroying my body.

So fast forward several years. I have since tried WW again. I joined online and tried to duplicate the results I had previously seen (this time not cutting out white sugar). I struggled, I won't lie. I saw minor fluctuations in my weight, I lost *some* weight, but really the pounds stuck to me like a toddler at the doctor's office.

I have also used MyFitnessPal. I saw about the same amount of success with that as I did with WW. Very small weight loss numbers. (I understand that it's not all about weight loss, but it is a valid measurement for progress and success.)

So here we are now. I've talked about how I'm doing the Paleo-ish diet and doing intermittent fasting.

I have been posting some big numbers as far as weight-loss is concerned. I have not been entering a single food item in MyFitnessPal (or similar apps). I feel like it would take me more time to weigh each individual ingredient in my salad, to measure all of the items I have for dinner, to search through the vast database. I also think it would tempt me to log my exercise in a way that then encourages me to eat the calories I've "earned." I don't want to sit in the app and decide how many pieces of steak I can have because I ran 5 miles today.

What's healthier for me is to serve myself dinner, sit down, use my utensils, chew slowly and drink water. I can tell you, over the past six or so weeks, I've rarely gotten up for seconds. I almost always get up to refill my water, but I hardly ever feel the need to put more food on my plate. What's more, I typically don't finish everything on my plate. So then how would I account for that? Right? I mean, it becomes this whole mental exercise for which I do not have the energy. (I mean, I have four kids, a dog, two guinea pigs and a husband. I'm short on "extra" energy.)

I also don't think all calories are created equal. I aim to eat nutrient-dense foods at both of my meals. I mean, I am going for no fillers, all nutrients. I am eating to fuel my body. If I am counting calories and the app says I have "extra" calories, I don't want that to mess with my head. I don't want to know where I am at with calorie expenditure because ultimately, it doesn't matter.

I also don't track my calories so that I'm not attempted to eat the calories I burn while exercising. I used to exercise on purpose with the intent that I would be able to eat (insert food here). I spent a lot of time hemming and hawing about my perceived exertion level. Was I out of breath? Did I start sweating immediately? Could I hold a conversation? These are all factors that have a bearing on the amount of calories I have actually expended.

There are a lot of great devices to track all of those things, but again, none of them is 100% accurate. I don't believe, then, that it serves me well to add in my exercise calories. I don't think it would help me reach my ultimate goal.

Now, saying all of that, I do keep a food journal. I write down all the things I eat and all of the liquids I consume. I make note of the amount and type of exercise I've done in a day. It's not about micromanaging. It's about awareness. I can examine my journal and see why my weight hasn't changed the way I was hoping it would.

It also works in the other way. I have been working hard to take the "should" out of exercise. I love to walk and run and have been trying to find a reasonable way to fit it into my day. It doesn't serve me to guilt myself about whether or not I was able to make it outside. It's not a positive influence on my psyche to have a workout schedule where there is no room for life not cooperating. I also have tried to let go of how exercise "should" look.

Today, for example, I knew I wanted to walk around 5 miles. I chose 5 because it's a good length of time for me to be outside. I mostly know how to travel throughout my neighborhood and make a loop that fits the mileage I want to hit. We got to about mile 5.25 and Brooklyn was done. She wanted out of her stroller.

In the past, I would have sped up. I wouldn't have let her get out. I would have fought through her whining because I had a workout to get done! I can't walk slowly because then I might not be able to eat (insert food here).

BUT. I have already decided what I'm going to eat today. I wrote it down. I don't have to think about my food at all today, I've already done that. I don't have to be concerned that I'll have too many calories. I don't have to figure out how many pieces of candy I CAN eat because I have X amount of calories left for the day.

It's so simple, but I know it's not easy. Today was an emotional day. Nothing bad happened, I just felt down in the dumps. It would have been easy to make myself a PB&J sandwich and chase it with water (or even milk). But I didn't. I know any negative feelings I have are just feelings and I can deal with them.

Please, if you are reading this and having a panic attack at the thought of just "eyeballing" it, don't worry. I'm not saying you have to let go of the app or anything. I'm just explaining what worked for me.

I need to finish up because I am falling asleep at the keyboard, lol. I hope everyone has a pleasant evning!

No Pain, No Gain (Or Loss, as it Turns Out)

I had a sobering and convicting revelation today. I considered going live on Facebook about it, but I was afraid I would cry. I have grown to loathe crying in public. Maybe next time I have an epiphany, I will do a live video.

Let me start at the beginning.

I knew, going into today, that the day would be more stressful in general. I sit for my friends' kids in the morning before school, so I have to get up earlier than I normally do. I am so grateful for the opportunity to help my friend, I don't mind. It just adds a dimension of craziness to the morning. I try to be fully prepared for my own kids to leave for school before I leave to be with them. Again, not a big deal but it's a longer than normal day.

Aside from that, I was awake at 3 AM, 5 AM and then for the day at 6:30. I woke up at 3 to Doug being awake. I used the restroom and then realized he was up playing. This has been an ongoing issue. I know we are heading to having him on medication. I think that will solve a lot of his sleep and focus issues. Meanwhile, though, I have to deal with a 6-year-old who is fully awake at 3 AM and who doesn't see the need to go back to sleep. (More on that later.)

I woke up at 5 AM to Jeremy moaning. He started running a fever yesterday. My suspicion is that he has strep, though one of the more frustrating aspects of his personality is that he can't always tell me what hurts. I do my best to rule out emergency issues, like appendicitis. Beyond that, he never has throat pain when he has strep. He almost always throws up and/or has stomach discomfort. This never makes sense to me, but it's how it manifests for him.

In any case, he needed medication to manage his fever and headache. I did what I could to make him more comfortable, then tried to get more sleep.

I scheduled Brooklyn's well-baby check for today. I didn't think I would have a sick kid here at home or that I wouldn't have slept well the night before. I knew she was going to get her immunizations and flu shot today. I knew that would translate to a fussy, clingy baby. I did my best to mentally prepare.

In the win column, I managed to make it through the entire exam and visit without sweating at all. This is huge, because my pediatrician's office is almost always overheated.

Brooklyn has been a fussy mess all week. She has wanted to be picked up and carried around everywhere. I love my daughter and I try to soak up every moment I can. That being said, it is tough to accomplish anything while hefting around a 27 pound baby. I do my best to distract her and just let her fuss, but it's tough to accomplish anything with a whining, crying 18-month-old following you around all the time.

I knew I wouldn't have time to walk today. In addition to all of these things, I had my counseling appointment today. I screwed up last week and missed my appointment, so I knew I had to get it right this week. The saving grace about the appointment was that I sidestepped having to put Brooklyn down for a nap. It gave me a chance to unplug from her, so to speak, and kind of re-center myself.

The day went kind of downhill in the afternoon. We got a call from Doug's school that he was being uncooperative. They weren't even able to get him on the bus, could we come pick him up. I was not surprised, given his 3 AM activity. I sent Brian to get him.

Meanwhile, Bekah came home and as a natural consequence, lost her iPad privilege today. She was not happy about it (I knew this going into it) and threw a fit. Upon arriving home, Doug threw a tantrum about having lost *his* iPad privilege.

It was really when Brooklyn woke up, though, that my already thin patience started unraveling.

Owing to my protocol and other changes, I don't find it necessary to cook every night. Over the past few weeks, I've found that if I cook on 2-3 nights of the week, the rest of the nights we can eat leftovers and have plenty of food. Tonight was a cooking night. Brooklyn was just a mess. She wanted me to pick her up. So after doing most of the food prep work, I handed the reins over to Brian and sat down to snuggle with Brooklyn. She proceeded to walk over and demand that Brian pick her up. I tried to read her a book, she wasn't interested. She didn't want to play, she didn't want to snuggle, she didn't want to eat Veggie Straws. She just was unhappy.

Doug and Bekah calmed down for the most part and the rest of the evening was not eventful, but the constant fussing and whining really started taking a toll. I finally had enough and took Brooklyn upstairs, only to find that Jeremy was awake (he had dozed off) and needed ibuprofen. So while I should have just grabbed Brooklyn and taken her to bed, I worked on helping him.

By the time I got Brooklyn in her room, I was just done. I was tired, cranky and irritable. I spent some time rocking her and really trying to figure out what was going on.

Here's where I had the epiphany.

I don't drink anymore, by choice. I don't gamble, I don't stay out until all hours. I run, but I can't run in the pitch black.

My point is, I was sitting with all of these *feelings* and I wanted desperately to escape. I wanted to not feel anymore. I wanted to do whatever I could to wriggle free of the discomfort.

And it occurred to me that when God says to have no other idols, he's not just talking about golden calves and false gods. He's talking directly to me as I try to scan through the things that would make me feel instantly better. For me, when I try to short-circuit *feeling,* I am not giving those things over to God. I am saying, "here's how I can 'handle' this--I can (fill in the blank)." Then I won't feel it anymore. But nothing that could fit in that blank is going to help me handle how I feel like God is. He wants to be the one I crave, the one whose company I seek.

Like I said, it was a sobering thought. All of this work I'm doing, writing a protocol and modeling my feelings and not buffering, is leading me to Jesus' feet. Kristin says that life is 50% good, 50% not good. Nothing I have done or will ever do will get me around that fact. It just is the way of life. The goal is not to become some automaton that feels nothing--the goal is to feel things but not be derailed by them. This is really the journey I'm on.

Losing weight is fantastic. There is a measurable benefit for my body if I shed the excess pounds. My body will function more optimally, I will be more comfortable, etc. I can tell you, though, based on my past experience, that *just* losing the weight is never going to be enough. I will arrive at the number I have in my head and may have some satisfaction, but to stay at that number through the tribulations of life will be the real acid test.

Ultimately, what I want is peace. I want to be at peace with God's plan for my life. I want to be at peace with the external forces and trials and disappointments that I feel in life. I don't want to use food or gambling or whatever to stop me from feeling it. I want to be able to move through the discomfort.

I weigh in tomorrow morning. I have had 5 weeks in a row of weight loss. This hasn't happened in I can't even remember how long. Any weight loss I have will be fantastic. The bigger victory for me, though, is that though this week has been tough emotionally, I have not allowed myself to be sidetracked. I have locked arms with Kristin and others, squared my shoulders and continued to trudge along.

I hope those who are reading this article have people with whom to lock arms. It's such a huge part of being on this journey.

Growing Pains

Today has been a rollercoaster of a day for me. I don't know that I woke up thinking I would get all the things done, but I had a couple of things I really wanted to do.

One of the hardest things about being a mom is having to change horses midstream. The level of activity I can or can't have is dictated by Brooklyn. Today, for example, she was clingy and whiny and clumsy. She wanted me to carry her everywhere. She wouldn't be redirected and wouldn't take no for an answer.

I have tried to roll with the punches, but there are some days when I am not feeling it. Today was that day. I wasn't expecting to clean the house from top to bottom, but I also didn't want to sit around all day looking at a mess.

Meanwhile, I am still learning and growing every single day. This does not come without some pain. I have been working very hard at stepping out of my comfort zone. God doesn't want me to be comfortable. He never promises me a life free from pain (emotional, physical, or mental).

I am working hard at being humble, which is to say I am seeking guidance and wisdom from Godly women and then asking God for the strength to put that into action in my life. I don't always like people's suggestions. I think about what Brooke Castillo says, that our brain likes to seek pleasure, avoid pain and be efficient (which is to say do nothing). I am fighting strong biology when I try to become more Christlike.

I am also still vulnerable to all-or-nothing thinking. After listening to the whining and complaining for the better part of the morning, a friend suggested that I take Brooklyn for a walk. I knew at that point in the morning, my normal 5 miles would screw up my schedule. I decided to take Scout and do two miles. The way it sounded in my brain, though, was "*just* two miles? really? okay, slacker."

Yeah, so I definitely am not 100% well. I probably ate about 5 bites too many at dinner and though that is far less than I used to eat, I still had to endure mental finger wagging from my inner voice.

All this being said, I feel very fulfilled today. I had one person ask me to be their accountability partner. I feel like that's high praise. I had another I was able to bless in a very tangible way. I don't say these things to toot my own horn, but rather to demonstrate what can happen when I live a life that is others-focused.

I love to encourage people, but I have also been bowled over by the amount of love, support and encouragement I have received. It is incredibly humbling to have people showering me with compliments. I am grateful that God has helped me have a glimpse of the person he's molding me into. Armed with that knowledge, I am able to graciously accept the compliments but pass the glory on to God.

And to the friend who sent me a picture of the ocean today, it was such a small thing but it was so amazing for me. A friend had traveled to L.A. and I texted her to ask her if she would send me a picture of the ocean. She happily obliged and though I felt silly for making the request, I am glad I did.

An FAQ for Y-O-U

I keep thinking that I want to write about Rascal, but I am not yet ready to do it. I will, before too much time gets away from me, sit down and write a tribute to him. His crate is still up in our dining room. I find myself swept away with grief in the most random moments. The weather has helped because I can be outside. I took Scout for a walk around the block last night and it felt bizarre to just have one dog with me.

I am continuing to have amazing success with my new way of doing things. I thought I would address a couple of questions that people have asked me.

Q: "Are you hungry?"
A: The short answer is no. The longer answer is that I do have days where I am more hungry than others. I write my protocol out for the week on Saturday. I even plan my evenings--some nights I have tea, on a couple of nights I have one serving of dark chocolate. I have been taking regular walks, sometimes up to 5 miles. On those days, I find I will eat almost my entire salad at lunch. Other days, when I'm less active, I get about halfway into it and lose interest.

I have changed the manner in which I eat. I still mostly eat in front of the TV (not the best, but it is what it is for now), but I eat much, much more slowly. I set my fork down between bites. I have a 32 ounce water bottle and I will drink one full water bottle, set my dinner down, go refill it, come back and keep eating. I typically go through two full bottles of water during a meal. If I have finished my plate of food, I sit for a minute or two before I get up for seconds. I typically find that waiting even a few minutes enables my brain to receive the signal that I'm full.

Q: "Is this sustainable?"
A: Yes, *because I am not hungry all the time.* I am eating foods that are incredibly nutrient dense--chickpeas, avocado, eggs, chicken, cheese, tomatoes, etc. There are no "filler" foods or starchy side dishes. The food I am choosing to eat is food that my body can use efficiently. I don't grab a protein bar and then stare at the clock until mealtime. I have trained my body that there are specific times during the day when I eat. If it's not the right time, I drink water or coffee (I have that written on my protocol) and start prepping my salad or meal for the evening.

It's also sustainable because I am making a plan. This helps me be prepared. I'm not arriving at 3 PM worried about what's for dinner. I've already decided what's for dinner, I have all the ingredients, the meat is thawed (or thawing), etc. I am not having to put extra brain power into it. As a byproduct, I have freed up a ton of time and energy! I am able to roll with the punches.

Q: "Do you count calories?"
A: Nope, not even a little bit. I am not worried about caloric intake because again, I am eating foods that are very dense nutritionally. I am only eating until I am full and I am only eating during the hours I've prescribed myself. For me, focusing on the calories would be counterproductive. I don't have time to calculate how many calories are in my salad or in my portions for dinner. I don't sweat it, though, because I know I'm not eating past the point where I *start* to feel full.

Q: "Are you allowed to eat _____?"
A: Listen. I am a grown adult. I am allowed to eat anything within reason. It's not about whether I am being given permission. Kristin made some suggestions for me and I chose to follow them. I evaluate what I eat with the question--'does this food serve me well?' If the answer is no, then it doesn't go into my body. I don't think it does me any good to think of food as being forbidden. Mentally, the minute I think of something as forbidden, it becomes a mental obsession for me. I can't think about anything else. I have the dark chocolate because I can eat one serving and it doesn't trigger anything in my mind that wants me to eat more. There may come a time, though, when eating a single serving of dark chocolate may not serve me. I have decided that if I've written it into my protocol and I'm having a rough day, I will skip it. My goal is not to use food as a buffer. Food is fuel for my body, it should not be used to celebrate, drown my sorrows, etc.

Look, I know the way I'm doing things is not for everyone. I keep thinking of Oprah in the Weight Watchers commercial saying, "I love bread." I recently read in a NY Times article that before Oprah became their spokesperson, the company had been in a bit of a tailspin. They had not seen their typical trend, which is that after the first of the year there is a sharp increase in enrollment. I have done Weight Watchers before and had success on the scale, but I don't think I was making the best choices for myself.

For me, I had to start healing my gut first. I don't think I would be able to dismiss a tray full of sweets if my gut was a mess. There's a lot of emerging science about the brain/gut health connection. It seems to be working for me. The combination of new eating habits and my Plexus products has me down about 25 pounds in a month.

Intermittent Fasting: A Primer

I have been so busy lately, but wanted to write a little bit about intermittent fasting. I have been doing it regularly for three weeks. I do not say this lightly, it has TRANSFORMED the arc of my weight loss journey, it has helped me feel better and given me freedom.

Fasting is biblical, for those of you who are into that stuff. It’s something we are admonished to do. People in the Bible did it when they were seeking God’s wisdom about different situations. I have fasted before, but it’s never been with any kind of purpose or focus.

Meanwhile, the stark truth is that in general, humans eat too much. Specifically, we eat too much food that is heavily processed and stripped of important nutrients. When we eat food that our bodies were not designed to eat, it short-circuits the wiring in our brain. It makes it difficult for our brain to receive and interpret signals. Frequently, we *feel* hungry when we are, in fact, thirsty. We eat when we are bored or happy or sad. Food has ceased being what it was designed to be—fuel for our bodies.

So, then, what is intermittent fasting? According to Nerd Fitness, “intermittent fasting is not a diet, but rather an eating pattern.” It’s not about going all day denying yourself all the food. I do not follow a set calorie plan per day. At the beginning of the week, I set a protocol. Big word for eating plan. I decide what I’m going to eat everyday. I include snacks. (Snacks during the fasting period should be 50 calories or fewer.) If I am not hungry, I don’t eat my snack.

The next question is, how much do I eat? I aim to eat when I am kind of hungry, kind of not. I aim to stop eating when my stomach feels comfortable.

I know. Not much of an answer. Honestly, it took me a little time to figure this out. I don’t do it perfectly at every meal. I have had a couple of meals where I have ended up eating too much. I aim for progress, not perfection.

Okay, so then what? I have two meals a day and I eat well at both those meals. Here is what my day typically looks like:

7-8 AM wake up

7:30 AM drink 8-12 ounces of warm lemon water

8:00 AM Slim

11:00-Noon Coffee with 2 tablespoons of whole milk

2:00-2:30 Salad—romaine lettuce, cherry tomatoes, 1/2 an avocado, cheese, red bell peppers, chick peas

3-4 Slim

6-8 Dinner—(as a for example) chicken breast, 1/2 sweet potato, veggies


I can tell you, I do not walk around hungry. I typically have far less food than I used to eat. I have had to downgrade to half a sweet potato because I was throwing most of my potato out.

Now. I sometimes have one serving of dark chocolate, but I plan that as well. I have eliminated sugar and flour from my diet. I honestly don’t miss it.

I do use other Plexus supplements. I haven’t listed them because they don’t add to my caloric load.

I will also say, I haven’t felt tempted to eat sugar, even when I’ve been around it. That has never happened before.

I'm So Tired.

I feel like I have been going nonstop for two weeks. Saturday was the pinnacle of this busyness--I spent almost all day shuttling one or two or more children from activity to activity. It was stressful but fulfilling.

So one of the things I'm working on right now is not using food to buffer my feelings. (Buffer meaning avoid/escape/postpone dealing with.) It's not a brand-new practice for me, though it's been a long time since I've tried to process my emotions before sticking food in my mouth.

Today was a stressful day for me. I don't know if it was because it was Monday or because it was a busy weekend. I snapped at the kids as I worked to make lunches. I had a good walk with a friend, but then I feel like I had no patience for Brooklyn. All in all, I was just irritable.

This is life. It happens. Even if I'm eating 100% clean and sticking to my protocol, life is going to happen. Part of having a protocol is to make decisions about what to eat before I'm hungry. I am much more inclined to make healthy food choices when I am not starving.

My goal this week is to go from 270.2 to 265. This is a very manageable goal, but for whatever reason, I'm stuck on the idea that I won't lose any weight this week. I am trying hard to not let that thought manifest negatively in my life. I am praying and doing the things I need to do.

Bekah has caught on to the fact that I'm losing weight, even though I'm fairly certain I didn't even mention that I was trying to lose weight. I work so hard not to disparage myself in front of her, but somehow she knows.

She wanted to take pictures of me, so I let her. It's tough, because I see some definite transformation, but of course not as dramatic as I wanted it.

One way I'm combatting this kind of negative thinking is to list the non-scale goals I've had over the past few days. First, I had nothing sweet at Bunco on Saturday. This was huge. And I didn't get home from Bunco and fill my face with any food, either. I had one plate of food (that I didn't finish, this is starting to be a thing) and plenty of water. Other than that, nothing.

Second, I'm getting to small for my britches. That's kind of scale-related, but separate. I now own no pants that fit me well--either they are way too big or just a smidgen too small. I'm hoping by the end of October to be able to wear a pair of jeans I've not worn since spring of 2015.

Third, I am not angry or resentful about food. I am not silently cursing the plate of sweets for "calling" to me. I didn't feel one bit tempted by the Klondike bars my brother bought for my kiddos.

Lastly, I went shopping in my closet. I wore a shirt that I've not been able to wear for at least two years. This is huge!

My eyes are droopy and I have so much more I want to write, but it will have to wait.

Sue and -ish, A Love Story

Last night I couldn't come up with anything to write. Of course tonight, when I am dying to write something, I can't get to the computer fast enough. Go figure.

I've been talking in broad terms about this new protocol I'm following. I haven't been wanting to label it because it's going well and I don't want anyone to rain on my parade. I don't even really think it has a specific name, but if I were forced to give it a name, I would call it Paleo-ish.

I'm very fond of the -ish because I feel like it's the English language's way of shrugging it's shoulders and throwing up it's hands. It's the equivalent of wiggling your hand back and forth with your palm parallel to the floor.

I'm a very all-or-nothing kind of person, so I tend to struggle with most eating plans. I've never done well giving up food groups or food types. Ultimately, I find myself covered in Ding Dong wrappers with a massive headache.

I like food. I like food that has flavor. I don't want to eat exactly the same thing every day.

My problem with counting calories is I also want to count my exercise and then eat my exercise. As so many trainers and doctors say, it's all about expending more calories than you're eating. Which is true, but has never really translated to a decent amount of weight loss for me. I think there are people for whom it works well, and I am glad for them. It just turns into this game I play about how much I can or can't eat at any given meal. I spend a lot of time angry and hating MyFitnessPal, and really, what did the app ever do to me?

Meanwhile, I've been taught in church basements that goes like this, "There is a principle which is a bar against all information, which is proof against all arguments, and which cannot fail to keep a man in everlasting ignorance--that principle is contempt prior to investigation."

I have been guilty of that in several instances. It has usually not worked out well for me. I have learned that it is best for me to keep an open mind. That's not to say that when people make suggestions I don't internally roll my eyes, but I need to be willing to listen and give people the benefit of the doubt.

So a couple of weeks ago, when my friend Kristin reached out to me and asked if I was willing to follow her suggestions, I said yes. I didn't even know what I was agreeing to, but I had an open mind. I decided that my best thinking has gotten me here. Why don't I, one more time, listen to someone who has more wisdom than I?

As she laid out her suggested plan, I was both excited and skeptical. It seemed sound. I had heard a lot of evidence (before talking to Kristin) that seemed to match what Kristin was saying. I have been trying for years to back away from processed foods and try to eat foods in their natural state.

The skepticism came as she laid out for me *when* and *how* she wanted me to eat.

She suggested that I skip breakfast. The breakfast I had been eating (yogurt and homemade granola) was full of a lot of sugar. She suggested instead that I dine in on my own fat reserves. (Insert eye roll here.)

For lunch, a salad with some protein and lots of veggies. Skip the fruit (except for apples on occasion). This tracked with what the diabetic counselor had told Brian--even the natural sugar will spike blood sugar. Even though I have not been formally diagnosed with Type II diabetes, I'm right on the border, so I'd been following Brian's suggested plan, modified for a woman. (This just means I get fewer carbs at meals.)

For dinner, lean protein, veggies, a sweet potato or couscous.

So it's Paleo-ish. Not really Paleo because they say no dairy. I do a small amount of dairy, but not a lot. The list of things on my protocol is slightly more generous than the list of foods that are Paleo-approved, hence the ish.

I will tell you, for years I have railed (mostly silently) against Paleo. In my mind, for whatever reason, I equated it with Atkins. I didn't think you could have a sustainable eating plan where so many things were not included.

So here's the other component. Emotions. Because let's face it, I am a person with a lot of emotions and I tend to eat when any of those emotions run over. So when I get hangry or down or whatever, I have to stop and write about it. There is a whole model. Kristin's coach, Brooke Castillo, has a book. It's good. I am going to be reading it. But in any case, I am not using food to buffer my emotions. If I am feeling sad, I need to sit with that feeling. If I'm pissed off because I've had a fight with Brian, the solution to the feeling is not food.

For me, the solution is God. And here's where this dovetails nicely with Lysa Terkeurst's book that I mentioned the other day. God wants to be our solution. He wants us to come to him with everything. He promises us that anything we seek to be higher than him, we will find lacking.

As someone who has spent years putting other things above God, I can tell you that's true.

So then the last piece. Once dinner is over, the kitchen is closed. No nighttime snack. I will tell you, I have been finding myself having a single serving of dark chocolate on some evenings. I am not sure yet how I feel about that and how it fits into what I'm trying to do. I will report more on that as it unfolds. But the big thing for me is, once dinner is done, I'm done until lunch the next day.

Here again, I've been having a mid-morning cup of coffee with a very, very small amount of cream in it. I might find in a few weeks that it's no longer serving me. I don't know. For now, it helps a bit.

I weigh in on Friday morning, but as of last Friday, after only 5 days of following Kristin's suggestions, I lost 7 pounds.

Bigger than that, though, is I do not feel like I'm starving. I don't feel deprived. I start eating when my hunger is -2 and I stop when I am at +2. (-10 is I'm ready to start eating my own foot, +10 is I'm so full I'm going to puke.) I feel like I am still learning this scale. I am not used to eating when I start to feel full. It's tricky. It's made me slow down when I eat. I drink a LOT of water. I have a 32 ounce water bottle from Contigo and I drink at least 48 ounces of water during dinner. (Same for lunch.) I drink a lot of water between meals. A lot. No, like a whole bunch.

What's most tremendous for me is that I do not, not one little bit, feel like I'm depriving myself. I don't feel like I'm pining after things. I have started thinking about a piece or two of pumpkin pie for Thanksgiving, but I have time to work through that.

Have I followed my own protocol 100%? Nope. Right now, I have peace about that. I don't feel like this plan is stringent. I don't want to beat myself up for not walking as much as I wanted to in a given day. I want peace. I want peace about food in the worst way, and I can tell you that this plan, so far, is giving me lots of peace.

I've been trying to figure out how to modify recipes to be more Paleo while also not trying to insist that everyone in the house eat like me. What follows is a modification of a recipe I found Googling "ground beef paleo recipes." It was for beef stroganoff, but it called for cubed meat, which I didn't have, and suggested using a cast iron skillet, which I have but can't figure out how to use.

This is the recipe, it's still beef stroganoff, just with ground beef and turkey. I should have taken pictures of it before we ate, but I didn't have the presence of mind.

Ingredients:
1 lb. lean ground beef (I use Costco's grass fed/organic beef)
1 lb. ground turkey (also Costco)
8 oz. mushrooms, sliced
4-5 garlic cloves, minced
1 small onion, chopped
1/4 c. dry white wine
1 c. coconut milk
1 c. beef broth
2-4 tbsp. light sour cream

Directions:
1. Heat a skillet, toss some butter in the skillet (I can't remember how much I used, maybe 2-3 tablespoons). Throw in the mushrooms, let them cook until they start to shrink (not scientific or precise, forgive me, this is the first time I've ever written a recipe. Remove the mushrooms, set aside.
2. Pour some olive oil (just a dollop will do ya) into the skillet. Add the garlic and onion. Cook until the onion is translucent.
3. Add the white wine and let the alcohol cook off.
4. Add the ground beef and turkey. Sprinkle with a fair amount of salt and freshly ground pepper (also Costco). Drain any fat you can.
5. Once the meat is browned evenly, add the coconut milk, beef broth and (if you want) the sour cream. Let it come to a boil, then simmer for about 10 minutes.

I ate this with a sweet potato--I prepared egg noodles for Brian. It's up to you. I know they probably make a Paleo-acceptable egg noodle, but I was happy with just the meat and sweet potato. I finished up my salad from lunch and Brian had some veggies from the veggie platter (also Costco).

From start to finish, the meal took me about 30ish minutes to prepare. It had a great flavor to it and Brian and I enjoyed it--Brooklyn, too, though Bekah was offended that there were mushrooms and the boys don't like their food to be so mixed up.

So there you have it! My first ever (mostly) made-up recipe! I was getting really tired of burgers, tacos and meatloaf, I'm not going to lie. I bought some beans today and am going to bust out the Crock Pot for some chili on Sunday or Monday.

I may be hating all of this in six months, but I'm not going to worry about that. For now, I'm going to get some sleep and be ready to get back at it tomorrow.

Just a Little Diddy

I am tired, but am determined to write more regularly, so here I am. I am not even sure what to write about, honestly.

I had another wonderful weekend in Oregon, IL. I walked a lot, talked a lot, laughed A LOT. Cards Against Humanity, while it is R-rated and highly inappropriate, is also really fun to play with friends.

I am reminded after weekends like this one (similar to the reminder I had in June) how important it is for me to have a tribe and to stick with that tribe. I love my friends in my moms groups, I love my friends at church, I love all of the wonderful friends I am privileged to know. There is something special, however, about connecting with people who speak your specific language.

It was great to reconnect with people, some of whom I've not caught up with in a long time. I am disappointed that Bekah's dance recital conflicts with the women's retreat next June. I have managed to get the okay from Brian, though, to have a girl's weekend and possibly travel to AZ to see a close friend of mine.

The other wild thing about this weekend is that I was blessed in physical ways. One of the women I drove home with offered me her TV that she's not used in 4 years. It's an upgrade from our current tube TV and it's in really good shape. A TV! Seriously! Then another friend offered to get me dance items for Bekah on the cheap (she's a dancer and receives a discount). (That offer made me burst into tears. I love Bekah and we make sacrifices for her to be able to pursue her passion. It's so humbling to have someone see the sacrifices and hard work we are making/doing and want to help out.)

Then, as I went to finish unpacking today (which, actually, is a record for me), I found $60 in my bag that I'd never seen before.

Meanwhile, I still have all of my hands and feet. I have managed to stick to the protocol Kristin laid out for me. I didn't die from the cold I had (it was touch-and-go there for a while).

As of last Friday, the end of the first 5 days of the protocol, I lost 7 pounds! I am very close to being under 270 and that hasn't happened for a while. I am not feeling deprived or hungry or anything like that. I have lots of energy, get plenty to eat and aside from drinking a bit less coffee, haven't had to make huge adjustments.

Doug fought getting on the bus yesterday. Today he did a lot better. The kids were driving me nuts after dinner, but I was glad they were doing their best to play together.

Had a good counseling session today. I am reminded that I need to work every day at my faith. I am not working to secure my salvation, but I am training my mind and my body to be more like Christ. It takes an effort to pray, read, meditate, etc. I don't do a perfect job every day, but I do my best to practice these principles in all my affairs.

I am doing my best to combat negative self-talk, which seems to crop up at random times. Like, for example, the current lie being told in my head, that if I don't get up tomorrow at the butt crack of dawn and run/walk before Doug's therapy appointment, I'm a failure. I know that's not true, but it's one of a hundred little blurbs I fight mentally on a daily basis.

I'm hoping to be able to sit down and write more this week, but I'm not sure time will permit me.