A Series of Unfortunate Events

Yesterday was a very emotional day for me. Nothing substantial happened--it was a series of unfortunate events.

I woke up, got the kids and headed downstairs. I noticed that one of my dogs had urinated on the carpet. I wanted to clean it immediately. Unfortunately, the dogs have been doing this a lot lately and I was out of cleaning solution in the carpet cleaner. I went to fill up the reservoir and the sink was full of dishes. I had to set aside the reservoir and load the dishwasher.

Except the dishwasher was full of dirty dishes. So I had to unload it. In trying to put something away in the utensil drawer, I noticed that an errant piece of the oven door was preventing the drawer from opening. So I had to fix the oven door.

The oven door is wonky for reasons I don't quite understand. I need to call someone to come out and look at it. I use the oven at least 3 times a week, even in the summer. I need my oven (and by extension, my oven door) to be functional. Repairing the door can be tricky and usually is a two-person job. The only people I had around were small so they couldn't help.

After about 15 minutes of wrestling with the door, I was able to get it together enough that nothing extra was sticking out and preventing the utensil drawer from opening. I continued to unload the dishes, but on doing so I noticed that the trap in the dishwasher was full of junk.

I spent about 10 minutes cleaning all the gunk and food from the trap. Understand, I cook most of my meals from scratch and we eat 98% of our meals at home. It's kind of a freakish point of pride but it's also a necessity (and healthier for us and cheaper). I can sometimes run my dishwasher 3 times in one day! The trap needed to be cleaned so that the next load would actually get clean.

I cleaned the trap, reassembled the dishwasher, loaded and started running the dishwasher and then (and only then) was I able to fill the reservoir for the carpet cleaner. I then had to use the carpet cleaner to clean the spot in the toy room.

At this point, I still hadn't even gotten the kids breakfast! My plan was to take Doug to get his haircut (this would be attempt #3), run to the store for a few ingredients and then home. In between all of the crazy tasks, it started raining. I think most normal people would scratch their day and think of fun, inside activities to do.

The problem was that we had an inside day the day before. It was too hot to go to the park (Doug gets overheated very quickly), so we tried to get his haircut (unsuccessfully) and went to the grocery store. I couldn't spend all day inside with everyone or else I was going to lose my mind. I also had plans for a quadruple recipe of waffles and I needed two or three more ingredients to make it work.

Out into the rain we went. Doug's haircut was successful, we went to Jewel, got home, had lunch, put Doug down for a nap. I was exhausted, so I closed my eyes for a bit. I awoke in time to get Doug up for his speech therapy appointment. I deposited the big kids in my room with the TV on and forbade them to come downstairs until after the therapist left.

Once she was gone, I figured I would work out. Doug was a bit fussy (which makes working out difficult--I usually aim for working out when he's asleep) and I even got short with him. This resulted in him spilling an entire cup of milk on the floor. The one blessing here is that the carpet cleaner was all ready to go! I cleaned it up and got back to working out....only to remember that I had no white sugar in the house. (Throughout the day, to add to my mental clutter, Jeremy used only two volumes of speaking--loud and louder. I could not convince him to quiet down and it made it difficult to concentrate.)

I have been consuming and using a great deal less white sugar than I ever have before. I do not care for the taste of stevia or other sweeteners. I usually bake one cake or a batch of cookies every other week. I don't want the aftertaste of stevia when I'm enjoying something I don't enjoy every day. The problem is that I'm out of the habit of buying sugar (since I use it infrequently).

So here I am, at the beginning of a workout, realizing that I am missing a key ingredient to my waffles. After making two trips to two different grocery stores in two days. Seriously!!! I sent a profanity-laced text to Brian about it. I wasn't angry with him, I was angry with myself. I continued to work out the best I could, which meant I held Doug in my arms for about 20 minutes of it.

As I was finishing, I remembered that I had some packets (quite a few) of Sugar in the Raw. Aha, I said to myself! I am saved. I sent a new text to Brian with the solution and got to work on the waffles. Please note that I had a chocolate long john from Jewel that day (yesterday) and so I didn't want to eat waffles as well. I am pleased to say that I made myself a separate dinner of eggs, avocados, black beans and quinoa. Not the best-looking meal, but no sugar and lots of good protein and fat.

I can tell you with assurance that I was probably the worst mom ever yesterday. I yelled at my kids, I lost my temper, I (might) have kicked a toy or two. I am not writing about yesterday because I am trying to convince you that I'm the worst mother, though. I am writing about yesterday because I want you to know that I have grace for yesterday. My kids are not upset with me today. All was forgotten because I still made the waffles. I still held them and kissed them good night and did all the things I'm supposed to do.

I'm not trying to convince you I should win an award. I love being a mom, even in all the messiness. I love every bit of it. I try to remember, though, that even though people find ways of turning their passions into jobs they still have really bad days. Loving what you do doesn't mean I become a Stepford mom. I am human and have foibles and shortcomings and all of that. I am fortunate that on the really shitty days, I have so many really great days to balance them out. I have been working so hard at being more active with my kids! I have been working hard to make more time for them and less for myself. But I have been running on fumes for a while. The running helps because I get away and get recharged. I am hoping that there will be more of that on a preemptive basis in the future.

Of all the jobs I've held, being a mom--stay at home or otherwise--is the absolute most draining, most stressful, most chaotic job I've ever done. I wish I could undo all of the things I did and said yesterday but I can't. I can, however, work harder to make sure that before it happens again, I have a good long stretch of days with no temper, with no angry words or toys being kicked or voices being raised. I am fortunate that I can't be fired from this job. It's one I will always hold and so I have an infinite number of times to fall down and get back up. (It's really a bonus and a drawback to the job.)

Everyone in my house is asleep right now except for me. My body is aching, I have a headache, my back hurts and I need a shower. I could just lie down on the couch, turn on the TV and call it a day. But there are dishes in the sink, the laundry room floor is hidden under piles of laundry and the kitchen is a disaster area. Literally. FEMA just called. We have a day tomorrow that is packed with fun stuff for all of us. If I go to bed tonight with the mess downstairs, I know my anger and impatience will creep into my mood and destroy the day.

I will be exhausted after all the work ahead of me, but that can be cured with a couple of strong cups of coffee. Luckily, they serve those where I'll be first thing in the morning. So off I go, to clean like a fiend (and watch Project Runway) so that we can have a glorious day of family fun tomorrow.

I'll be sure to tell you all about it.