I have been overweight for most of my life. There have been a few periods of time where I reached a healthy weight but other than that, I've weighed more than I'm supposed to. What follows is a list of things I've learned to hate about being fat.
1. Double chins are only attractive on babies. This is a universal fact. You are never going to see a Swimsuit Edition model sporting two (or more) chins. There's just something inherently unattractive about seeing an extra jiggle at the bottom of someone's face. I have hated my chins for a while. The last time I lost a significant amount of weight, I was so happy to have pictures taken of me! No longer did I have to have a weird camera angle to showcase my face! I was able to have people take pictures of me straight on and it was glorious. When I am sitting at my desk, blogging, and watching Netflix on the iPad next to me, the thing I hate most is the reflection of my double chins back at me in the iPad screen.
2. Elbow dimples are also only attractive on babies and toddlers. I know that I have made some progress in losing weight, but I hate riding in the car with Brian. As I'm driving, I can see my elbow dimples in the side view mirror. It's really unattractive. I will echo my sentiment for number 1--elbow dimples don't show up on those who are of a normal weight. (Yes, I know models are usually under a normal weight but still, they are closer to their ideal weight than I am.) I frequently will adjust the way I'm sitting in the van so that I don't have to see my elbow dimples.
3. Clothing for overweight women is simply not the same. When I had last lost weight, there was something glorious about going shopping at H & M. It was so beautiful to fit into size 14/16! I wasn't forced to shop at plus-sized stores. I could actually wear things that were fashionable and somewhat form-fitting. (I will say that I'm not one for tight-fitting clothing. Even thinner I preferred things to be a bit blousier than my actual size. I'm pretty modest when it comes to clothing choices and I also hated the muffin top that was left over after my weight loss. I think it was really just some extra skin, but it made me self-conscious. This was also before the invention of Spanx, so maybe when I lose weight this time it will be different.) Plus-sized clothing has improved over the years, I will say that. When I was growing up Lane Bryant had no cache and no style. Now, there is an attempt at bringing "normal-sized" fashion labels into plus-sized clothing--especially because most of the country is either overweight or obese. I do own a plus-sized pair of 7 brand capris. I am close to being able to fit into them again.
The bigger problem with plus-sized clothing is that most of it uses some type of Lycra/spandex fabric. This means that if I go to the store and find a pair of jeans that fits me, chances are after I wear them a few times they will be falling off of me. Typically they stretch as you wear them which is great if they're tight, but if they just fit you then it ends up looking like you can't shop for clothes appropriately. There's no chance that the lunges and squats you've sweated through are going to be highlighted because the seat of the pants ends up sagging toward the ground. Quite discouraging. Then, when you go to find the next size smaller (because that's got to be the solution) they don't quite fit you yet. Yuck.
I also have found that clothes with Lycra/spandex do not breathe at all. I sweat like a man in almost any situation, but the addition of Lycra will accelerate that condition. Consequently, I end up sweating just about anywhere that's not kept at meat locker temperatures. Super attractive.
4. Perception of the obese is still quite negative. I am not calling myself obese to be abusive to myself. Clinically, that is what I am. We could sit and parse the definition or say that the AMA has it all wrong, but I've found (for myself), it's best to call a spade a spade. My BMI is 41.79. I fit into the parameters of obese. I am working hard, on a daily basis, to lower that number and reach a weight that is healthy and doesn't complicate my health.
I am fortunate to have a bevy of friends who are (and always have been) super supportive of my journey toward healthfulness. Quite frankly, the one person who is the most negative about my weight--and always has been--has been my maternal grandmother. I could spend an entire entry talking about how destructive her language and ideas about body image have been. Aside from her, my friends don't treat me any differently.
In general, though, I know that the perception of the overweight and obese is that we are lazy and lack self-discipline and willpower. I have spent at lot of time living in that space, thinking it fit me. Upon reflection, I realized that I'm actually not lazy. I love to sleep, I will not argue that. My house is a pit, the floors have not been mopped in some time, my bathroom is a pigsty, you're not going to find an argument there. Overall, though, I am not someone whom I would consider lazy.
The reality is I have three kids 5 and under and the emotional, psychic and physical energy spent raising them is immense. I have discovered, over the past few months, that I have not been using my energy wisely. I've been trying, therefore, to work out more but also just to put more activity into my day. Can I cut out a nap? Can I clean more and spend less time on my phone? Can we walk to the park instead of driving?
Unfortunately, as it has taken me several years to get to this weight, having a spike in physical activity over the past four months has not translated to a 100-pound weight loss. This is where I think pop culture is fighting against those of us who are obese. Shows like The Biggest Loser and Extreme Weight Loss highlight and applaud significant amounts of weight loss. On it's face, this is probably a good thing. But there have been times I sit and watch these shows and curse my paltry 1-pound a week weight loss.
The reality is that losing a pound to a pound and a half a week is healthy, manageable and sustainable. I am not lazy because I didn't work out for four hours. It is okay that I'm eating more than 1200 calories a day. I cannot afford a trainer. I work out at home and have had to accept that I might not always look like the person starring in the DVD. If my kids need something, I step away from the DVD. That doesn't mean I missed out on the workout! I am still moving, even if it's just to go to the kitchen and get a cup of milk for someone.
It's frustrating to feel judged. I'm not saying I never judge people, but I will say that my journey has led me to want to roll the window down on my van and cheer for people who are running. I especially want to cheer on the people who look like me--red-faced, teeth gritted, fists clenched. They make me feel energized because I know that they are on the same journey I am and are fighting to stay focused.
5. Health problems abound for me when I am obese. I have made some great strides towards eliminating some medications and lowering my risk factors for heart attack, diabetes and stroke. I am hopeful that by this time next year, I can be off at least two of the three daily medications I take. (One is an anti-depressant and I don't hope to be done with that, which is perfectly acceptable and fine with me.) It is expensive to be obese. I spend a lot of money on medications that I never had to spend before. I have to go to the doctor more often than I did when I was at a healthy weight. I had gestational diabetes for my last two pregnancies, which ended up costing more than my first pregnancy (to be fair, this was for a number of factors but I'm strictly talking about the cost of extra medications and extra doctor's office visits).
I would love, love, love to be spending the money I spend on medications on other things, like new running shoes, new workout DVDs and, frankly, new (smaller) clothes! It's frustrating to see the dollars Brian works so hard to earn being siphoned off to big pharma and big insurance. I work harder because I know I want that money to be kept in my family's pocket, where it can actually have a bigger positive impact.
This list is not exhaustive, but these are the things that are currently plaguing me about my obesity. I'm not trying to be morose or anything. Rather, this is something I hope will motivate me to keep working toward my goals. I was teased mercilessly by my male peers about my weight while I was growing up. Those are the voices I continue to hear as I'm sweating in front of the TV. I used to think that the word fat was so ugly, but I've really changed my perspective on it. I know it's not for everyone, but here's how I look at it.
If I'm not fat, if I think I'm really a healthy weight or I'm just fine the way I am (as countless girlfriends have told me over the years), then what power do I have in that? I can wear bigger, blacker clothing (black is always slimming, right?), I can deny that tying my shoes is causing me to have to catch my breath, I can worry about the tingling feeling I have after climbing the stairs. If I'm not fat, if I'm just the way I'm supposed to be, then that's a pretty crappy life to have.
If I am fat, if a series of circumstances, poor choices and setbacks have caused my current situation, there's power in that for me. I can't do anything about what the circumstances have been. I can't change the deluge of shit that has happened to my family since we moved to Crystal Lake. I can, on the other hand, decide to put that down and walk past it. I can make better choices about what I do and don't put in my body. I can reframe setbacks and turn them into positive learning experiences.
In short, if I accept that I am fat I know I can work hard enough to get healthy. I am not a victim, I am not someone to be pitied, I am not weak or lacking in discipline. It will take me some time, but I will move beyond this physical experience I'm having. I will forge a new path, with new choices and new possibilities. My kids are watching me on this journey. I have never called myself fat or ugly in front of any of them. When I exercise, I am trying to be healthier. When I say "no" to junk food (for me and them), I explain to them about making healthy choices, about sometimes foods and all-the-time foods. This is empowering them.
I will not be around all the time to help them make the right choices, but I can help make sure they don't develop oversized appetites for unhealthy foods. I can help them now to choose the right things at school, when I'm not around. I can make sure that they get enough physical activity, that the TV isn't on all day (I'm still working on this one), that they are bathed and read to and cared for. Because, you see, I don't want them to end up like me. I want them to be able to focus the bulk of their attentions on achieving their goals, not on having to correct health problems.
All those boys out there who teased me, who mocked me, who called me names, I am turning your words of hurt into words of empowerment. I refuse to be defined by my weight but I will own what I weigh so that I can move past it. If I am not seeking the truth in all aspects of my life, I am going to be fooled by the lies.
Yes, I am fat. Luckily, that's a temporary condition.
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