Oh, August. Every year it's the same thing. Money starts evaporating. Maybe it's the humid climate we inhabit, I'm not sure. I'm exhausted tonight from walking the kids to the park and back, mowing the lawn and working out. My activity tracker says I've been moving (collectively) for 176 minutes today. That's a lot.
Between the financial struggles and the physical exhaustion, I'm kind of at my breaking point. It's responsible to be on a budget, but it's tough to have to weigh each item that goes into your shopping cart. There are no margins, financially, for us in August and September.
We made a plan at tax time, when we got our refund. We set aside money so that when August hit it wouldn't be quite as bad as last year. Then Jeremy got his diagnosis and we started with Occupational Therapy. It has been a godsend, but it's weighed heavy on our bottom line. Our health insurance allowed us this year to set aside money in an FSA--two years ago we didn't have that option. Jeremy and I took trips to the ER this year that ate up a lot of that money.
This is not a post about how awful our financial situation is, though. This is about how much better we are than we have been. Two Augusts ago, we had just finished filing bankruptcy. We weren't paying the mortgage on our house, we had no extra money to speak of, no FSA, a newborn and we were visiting the food pantry on a monthly basis.
One August ago, we weren't paying the mortgage (we had paid briefly but then had to stop because of Brian's surgery) but we weren't visiting the food pantry.
This August, we are paying the mortgage (although we aren't sure why, as we owe more than the place is worth and have *never* seen a cent of equity), are not visiting the food pantry and our collective health is excellent. My cholesterol took a huge dip, from 374 early in the year to 230 now. My blood pressure has stabilized and I have lost almost 30 pounds.
Brian has started exercising with me in the evenings. (He's exercising now and I would normally join him except that I've already been moving for almost 3 hours.) He is starting to see some benefits as well. He is due for an ultrasound this October to make sure he's still cancer-free.
We are visiting Jeremy's cardiologist next Friday, but then we are hopeful that we can *not* see him again until 2015, which is when Jeremy's electrophysiologist wants to see him again. That would be a *tremendous* financial relief for us. His cardiology appointments, while necessary and in-network, are quite pricey. He's already almost met his part of the deductible, so hopefully the visit will be covered at a higher benefit than it normally is.
My point is, August has made us it's bitch for several years. I could have very well been writing this exact post last year. It's a tough situation, one that has made for some tense conversations and sniping at one another. Gladly, it's also made the way for lots of prayer. Brian and I pray more together as a couple when we are struggling than at any other time. Even when Brian loses his temper with me, we pray. If I'm in tears because I'm (still) not sure we can stay in the house, we pray.
We got a bill today from the kids' doctor for their annual physicals. We were floored because we thought that was covered at 100%. Brian opened the bill as soon as he walked in from work and was pretty upset. I was heading out the door to have dinner with friends (mostly on someone else's dime). I paused, in the midst of the emotion, and we prayed together.
Don't get me wrong, I am a wreck about this stuff. I became a demonstrator for the Grain Pantry this summer, something I thought would help our family. What I'm realizing is that it's taking me some time to get going. It's really been costing us more than I've made (if only slightly). The fact that I'm not making oodles of money right away is a huge stressor.
Here's the thing, though. I feel like God led me to do this. I am excited to teach other people about how to eat healthy. I know, that if God led me to do it, it will produce fruit and bless my family. It's just not going to happen on my timetable. Honestly, though, I've found that mostly God's timetable is better. Whatever plans or designs for my life that I have, he has something infinitely better planned.
I didn't want to go out tonight. I have been on the verge of tears for the past few days. I hate, hate, hate, crying in public. I went tonight to do the opposite of my nature. I figured it was best for me to get out among other adult moms and ask about how they are doing. I have spent enough time in my own head and know how *I'm* doing, so there's no need to talk about it with anyone.
I know, in my heart, that by November this will all be a distant memory. Things will work out (as they always do) and we will have our normal, modest Christmas. We will enjoy Thanksgiving in the bosom of our family. The kids will continue to not understand why we can't get chicken nuggets and fry-fries all the time, but they haven't ever understood that. God has this tremendous way of working things out in unexpected but deliriously good ways. Not dump-lotto-money-in-your-lap good, but in a way where we become more spiritually enriched and less materially entangled.
And really, I think that's the point.
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