In the course of talking about my struggle toward healthfulness, I remembered some things that have stayed with me over the years. Two of them came from books, one from TV.
I started reading Sweet Valley High books when I was in 4th or 5th grade. I don't know why I started reading the books. I was always an advanced reader. The material for my age group was too easy, so I started reading what was challenging. In any case, I read (I'm sure) every SVH book I could get my hands on. (In researching for this entry, I discovered that there was an expanded line of SVH about when the girls got older.)
Anyway, the thing that intrigued me most about this series was Elizabeth's friend, Enid. In the original series, her backstory is that she used to be chubby. One day, she decided to change things. She started eating salad and walking around the school's track. She managed to lose the weight and that idea stuck with me.
My weight really ballooned between my sophomore and junior years in high school. I was still on the swim team, but I was eating way more than I needed to. I felt almost permanently bloated, gross and worthless.
There were no weight-loss support groups back then, at least for teens. I have known several teens recently who have decided to do Weight Watchers. I was happy for them but sad that it was unavailable to me.
In any case, reading about Enid gave me a glimmer of hope. I knew that if I used her story as a primer, I might have some success. The problem was that my resolve to change my eating habits never lasted the night. I would stay up late, dreaming about my life as a thin person. I was going to show the people who had been cruel to me. I was going to crush them.
My dreams of revenge would evaporate into the morning mist, though. I would oversleep and the lack of sleep, unbeknownst to me, would cause me to crave sugar. I would start eating sugar for breakfast and wouldn't stop all day.
Phen-fen came onto the market in my senior year of high school. I was desperate at this point for something, anything to help stop the weight gain. It was also around this time that I discovered an author by the name of Alice Hoffman. She writes fiction that I would classify as magical realism (think Like Water for Chocolate). In its simplest form, magical realism is storytelling infused with odd or inexplicable events. While the events appear extraordinary, they are treated as normal and mundane. Imagine reading a story and the main characters are sitting in a café drinking coffee. During their coffee date, frogs start dropping out of the sky. Rather than panicking or running for the hills, the characters simply pick any errant frogs up and set them aside.
Alice Hoffman wrote Practical Magic, which was turned into a movie. I loved the book and enjoyed the movie, but the two were more like half-related than a true adaptation. In any case, my favorite Hoffman novel is called Seventh Heaven. It's set in the 60s and tells the story of a single mom who moves into a very traditional neighborhood. It's a clash of cultures and it's very well-done.
The main character wasn't what most caught my attention. Nora Silk, with her red hair, beautiful nails and sense of style, that didn't connect with me. I connected with Donna Durgins. She lived in the neighborhood, was married and had two boys. She was chubby and she hated it.
Now, this is the 50s. She started drinking shakes and taking diet pills. There is a scene in the book when she is walking through the grocery store and her pants fall down around her ankles. Embarrassed, she picks up her pants and races out of the store.
Eventually, she leaves her family and moves to an adjacent town. Nora stumbles upon her one day and immediately recognizes her. She compliments Donna and they have coffee to talk about Donna's decision. In the end, Nora convinces her to at least reconnect with her family (even if it's not in the same way she had connected with them in the past).
Phen-fen, as it turns out, was not as great as everyone thought it was. I am grateful that I never took it, but as a teenager reading that book and seeing the immediate results of Phen-fen, I was mesmerized.
I have to admit, I still wish for Donna Durgins' experience. There have been times during my journey that my jeans have started to sag. I have two pairs of jeans right now that are incredibly saggy. I know it would be initially humiliating, but there's a part of me that would love to have that happen to me!!
The last piece I'll talk about is from TV culture. Almost anyone my age knows Monica Geller. She is the anal-retentive member to the Friends clan. Of course, her secret is that in high school she was obese. There are classic flashback episodes with Courtney Cox in fat suits to illustrate how she looked.
Obviously, this is a TV show, not reality. Courtney Cox was herself always a pixie-person, as most of the actors in Hollywood are. I got that part of it. My point is that I crave that experience, of being known as the "fat girl," and turning into the "thin girl."
I have not been to any of my high school reunions because I don't want anyone to see me until I've lost weight!! What I will add is that I wasn't super close with anyone during high school and have only stayed connected with high school friends through FB. I think it would be great to re-connect with people, especially because so many of us have ended up living in the same area. I'm just saying that I am still hoping to make a triumphant return as a thin person.
I realize that sharing all of this may make me seem a bit maladjusted. I'm not going to argue. If you're thin and have always been thin, most of this might as well have been written in a language with which you're not familiar. For those of my readers that have struggled with this their whole lives, I know you know what I'm talking about. For the rest of you, thanks for peering into my brain and continuing to make eye contact with me. I appreciate your understanding.
No comments:
Post a Comment